What Are You, Man Or Mouse?
by fatsally
2008-07-06
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: science, scientists, mouse, mice, health, medical, research, humour, humor, satire
An interesting item in the Sunday Times. A scientist from the Roger Abdelmassih Clinic research centre in Sao Paolo, Brazil, claims it is possible to produce human sperm from mice.
With the help of Jenny, Boggartblog's CEO, science correspondant Enniol Bollocks was able to secure an interview with the first human to be conceived using human sperm generated in a rodent's testicles.
Enniol: Good afternoon, Mr. Mauser. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me... er would you mind not getting so close to my face?
Mr. M.: Oh, I do beg your pardon. I can't help it, it's like a nervous twitch, I just have to keep sniffing everything, especially new things. I can't help it. Oh and you can call me Mickey.
Enniol: Mickey eh? Is that after someone special to the family?
Mickey: No, it's my father's idea of a joke. He didn't want my mother to use mouse grown sperm. Our surname is Mauser, which as you know is German, but my Dad couldn't resist the pun. He said everyone should know where I came from, so if they didn't think anything odd about the surname, or the twitching, they'd certainly know when they heard my first name.
Enniol: So your father was against this pioneering treatment?
Mickey: Yes he said it was too experimental. He was worried about things he felt the scientists hadn't taken into consideration, hidden traits that might suface, like the twitching.
Enniol: And are there any other peculiarites which could be put down to your mouse forbears?
Mickey: Well I do like cheese. I mean really like cheese. And when I get frightened I'm prone to scurrying into small spaces.
Enniol: Do you get frightened often?
Mickey: It depends where I am. If I'm in a hardware store and I see a mousetrap I find that quite upsetting, I just want to run and hide.
If I go to the pet shop and see all the different kinds of rodents in their cages, that worries me too, I have been known to try and hide under the counter.
But the worst thing is cats. It gives me the shivers just to say the name. Look I've come out in goosebumps just saying it. Can you see my fur , er sorry, hair bristling? And I'm twitching more than ever. If a C-A-T came into this room now I would probably run around in a frenzy trying to find a corner to hide in. If it started to stalk me I should probably have to try and squeeze behind the radiator or climb the curtains and stay there until I was sure it was gone.
I nearly got run over last week. I was just walking down the pavement, minding my own business, when all of a sudden this cat jumped up onto the wall. Well I just squeaked and bolted, straight into the road, didn't even think to look for cars. Luckily the driver was alert and he managed to avoid me, but it was a big shock for both of us. And the cat just sat there, looking smug. I could feel its eyes following me as I scurried away. Oh, it's a really big thing this fear of C-A-T-S.
Enniol: That must be quite an impediment to leading an ordinary life. Do you manage to hold down a steady job?
Mickey: Yeah. I was very fortunate. The research clinic put me in touch with a pet toy producer and I hold quite a good position. I design and test the new toys for the rodents. It's quite fun actually, a bit like being let loose in one of those soft play areas. I think of the things I like to do, running around a wheel and crawling through tubes, you know, just ordinary things, and then I adapt them to suit the rodents. First of all I build a human sized proto-type and give it a good shakedown, ironing out any glitches, you know, places you could get a paw caught or whiskers bent back, then we reduce it to the appropriate size and go into production.
Enniol: Any hobbies?
Mickey: I love mazes. everywhere I go, if there's a maze I've got to give it a try. And I keep on trying until I've hacked it. Fantastic places. A true test of my intellect I think.
Enniol. Well that's great Mickey. I'm really glad you're doing well for yourself, and enjoying life. I wish you all the best for the future. Thank you. Oh, is that another twitch, keep rubbing your cheeks with your paws, er sorry, hands?
RELATED POSTS:
Cryptozoology For Sceptics
Science & Technology Menu
Science Can Damage Mental Health
Lack Of Imagination And Merit
Madness Gone Politically Correct
Legacy
Human Mothers To Bear Intelligent Mouse Babies
Demented Mouse Science
Baby Born On The Bog
Come Back Jaques Cousteau
Daredevil Duiners Of Tsuruoka
It Was The Drunken Elk In The Orchard
Forward Psychic Soldiers
Here Be Dragons
Psychological Warfare
Rat Arsed Badger
Wallabies Have Been At The Opium
True Tale Of The Easter Bunny
Did You See That
Peacock Rescue
Pebbles The Cat
Bring On The Racing Tortoises
Skin Up A Toad
What Are You, Man Or Mouse?
At 4:30 am No One Can Hear You Scream
The Green And Black's Of Chocolate Fireguards
Pigeon Racing - Sport Or Business
Finnish Your Treat
Scientists Reinvent The Wheel
Scientists Have Not Made Sperm
Stone Throwing Chimp Shocks Scientists
Crocodile Snack Science
Pavlov's Cat
Fish Science
Scientists Have Not Made Sperm
Western Monkeys
