"Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

(from Macbeth by Willian Shakespeare.)

Creative Commons: Some rights reserved (non commercial, attrib, no derivs.
All reproductions in whole or in part should acknowledge Greenteeth Multi Media as publisher of these works and link to Greenteeth Multi Media Productions http://www.greenteeth.com/index

greenteeth home

THIS ITEM Dubai and Hubris

Mary Seacole Primary School

Not Democratic

666 Squadron

Drunk On The Job

Kiwis Creep up On Aussies

Lonesome George Or Randy Reptile

Swamp Soccer

Helpful Bankers
Trumped by The Court Cards
They Do It For The Buzz
This Wine Tastes Like Piss
The Truth About The Missing Link
Batter Than WWF
May The Force be With You
Curl Up And Dye
Good Work Boys
Obsessive Compulsive Divorce
Yellow Carded by his own petard
Scientists fade to grey
Bullshit or no bullshit?
Express Your Political Opinions
Pine Cone In Her Vagina
Nosey Sandwich Stuffer
Monkey Maths
WARNING: Dairy Milk chocolate contains milk
Britain's Tallest Trees
Oswald's Window
Poles Driving The Paddy Wagon.
Joe King By Name and Joe King by Nature
A Song For Oscar
The Dudley Moore Of Venice
Gene Is Genetically Shy
How Far From A Rat Are You
Spaghetti Racists
A Stupid Criminal
Death by Exploding Phone
Happy Cows
News From The Recession
NHS Meats Target
Belt and Braces For You My Boy
Did The Bionic Woman Have Knitted Tits
You can keep your hat on
Better Late Than Never
Drunk In Charge Of A Mobility Scooter
Lighter Jail Terms For The Overweight
Bumper Sticker Philosophy
Happy Birthday Little Hitler
He's behind You
WLTM Sexy Robot
University Challenged
Sniping at Santa
Speaking In Tongues
The Most Unwanted Title
Old Cheese
michelles dress
Consumer Madness
A Koala is For Life
Reassuring Scotland
Carla's Corner
Healthy Hand Relief?
What a bunch of Bankers
French Films Are A Joke
Batman Sues

Life's a bitch, even more so without silliness. There can never be enough silliness in the world. A Tale Told by An Idiot is a celebration of silliness and a protection against the frustrations of everyday life and those little absurdities that are happening all around us all the time. Don't get mad at the stupid, small minded, self important people we all have to endure, ridicule is much more hurtful to them and more satisfying for us .
TO LINK TO an item in this page right click the "permalink" button and copy the shortcut. Then paste it on the page you want to link from.

Life Is A Tale Told By An Idiot

Dubai and hubris get their just des(s)erts... by ianrthorpe
from Boggart Blog
Now we are not cruel people who write Boggart Blog, nor are we the types to indulge ourselves with schadenfreude. But sometime you've just gotta, haven't you?

Remember that archepelago of artificial islands that was constructed off the coast of Dubai a few years ago, where all the super rich people bought houes to take advantage of Dubai's tax haven status. The one where they did not build on bedrock or coral reef but simply pumped up sand from the sea bed and put houses and roads on it?

We were treated to television documentaries about all these smug twats sitting in their five million pound pads saying things like "Ya, well the best think abite it apart from the climate and the tax free status is we never have to look at pooah people."

Yeah, now you remember...

Well it's sinking. The sand islands are collapsing back into the Red Sea and the navigation channels are silting up. Oh Joy!

If this news makes you think, "Maybe there is a God after all," you have to ask yourself why He did not remind the civil engineers of that stuff about "houses that are builded on sand."

The answer may be of course that He works for Told By An Idiot

Australians To Vote On Recognising Aboriginies
Australians will be given the chance to vote on whether the country's original inhabitants should be formally acknowledged in the constitution, Aussie Prime Minister Julia Gillard has announced.

Apparently the ballot paper with offfer vots three options:

Strewth, they all look the same to me mate.

(read full story)

Water From Potatoes Will Solve Water Crisis
It has been known for many years we faced a ground water crisis that could threated domestic supplies. As if to prove what we have always said about scientists, that they are madder than a mad monk who has spent all his life in a monatry of the Madminican order of Madness, they have come up with a plan to solve the problem by extracting water from potatoes. And where do they think the water in potatoes comes from? (full story)

Barack Obama Tells Us Why His Party Is About To Be Obliterated

In a speech in Massachusetts the first Black and Green President said:

"Part of the reason that our politics seems so tough right now and facts and science and argument does not seem to be winning the day all the time is because we're hardwired not to always think clearly when we're scared,” Obama said Saturday evening in remarks at a small Democratic fundraiser Saturday evening. “And the country's scared.”

No Barry, it's not because they're scared, it's because they hate you. What's so hard to understand about that?

Obie went on to say "Obama explained that Only a person gripped by fear and unable to think clearly could have believed in "shovel-ready" projects." Actually it was the President himself who announced there were dozens of shovel ready projects just waiting for stimulus money before they could get started on building roads and bridges to nowhere and appointing three million community organisers. Nobody except the President believed this of course so who was unable to think clearly?

Woman Repels Bear Amed With Only A Courgette Not an earth shattering news item maybe but it reminded us of a Monty Python sketch

If only the poor bear had attended this self defence class. Monty Python on You Tube - Self Defence Against Fruit

Soul Singer Shocks American Political Establishment
We are trying to stay off politics right now as everyone is sick of it all. We are especially trying to stay off American politics as that will not be interesting to us British again until 2012. But I had to blog this story.

Last Tuesday was a big day for primaries for the United States Congress mid term elections and for many state assemblies. As the election results came in they threw up (sic) some interesting results. None was better than the battle for the Democratic nomination for South Carolina which was won by an unknown, unemployed guy with no political background, who raised no money for adverts, did not campaign and yet ended up winning by a clear 20 percentsge points.

Embarrassed Democratic Party officials put the shock defeat of their favoured candidate down to his opponent's name appearing first on the ballot paper. We think however that Alvin Green won because people confused him with soul music legend Al Green, a native of South Carolina.

Ain't democracy a wonderful thing?

Read more about dole bluder and wannabe politician Alvin Green or have a listen to the legendary Al Green

Hot Asian Bum Action?
We loved this story in The Sun today:

A CROSSWORD fan aged 89 used an internet search to solve a clue about a donkey - and was bombarded with hard-core porn. Jack Sedgewick got stuck on 14 across: "Wild asian ass." The great-grandad typed "asian ass" into Yahoo's search engine in the hope of finding the answer to the newspaper poser.

But he was stunned when it threw up dozens of porn sites displaying photos of naked Asian girls. One offered "the hottest spicy asian ass you'll ever see". Ex-engineer Jack said: "I was shaken. The images were horrendous. I didn't know this sort of stuff existed."

Serves the old guy right for cheating. He should have used his brain...

Stupid Criminal Of The Week - German Bank, Italian Doors
Bank robbers who targeted the bank in Malliss, a small town in northern Germany had planned their crime meticulously in every detail but for one. They had not checked the explosives man's credentials carefully enough.

The dynamite man it turned out was a bozo. He hugely miscalculated the amount of explosive needed for the bank job but also put the charge in the wrong place. The resulting explosion reduced the bank buiding to a pile of rubble. Cars and buildings a hundred metres away were damaged by the blast.

When the dust cleared the only thing still intact among the smouldering wreckage was the safe.

Anyone know how to say "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off," in German?

Alcohol Shock!

Well done to alcohol abuse charity Drinkaware for bringing this to the atttention of Boggart Blog readers. Apparently Drinkaware commissioned a survey of 1,000 people about drink problems and their booze consumption habits.

The results show 520,000 people go to work each day with a hangover.

Every day? Fuck me! That's over half a million people who are having more fun than us.

For full story go to Booze Matters at Nanny Knows Best

Turning The (Cork)ScrewDick Puddlecoat on the growing Politically Correct Thought Police campaign to demonise alcohol

Before The Pubs Close
Teen Binge Drinking Crisis
You Live, You Die, And In Between...
A Career In Substance Abuse
Inspirational Old Queen

The Amazing Brain
Scientists studying the human brain claim by using a very expensive piece of electronic kit they can swith off our morals. Great, but most of is can switch off our morals for the price of a few drinks...

Childhood Drinking Put Us On The Slippery Slope

[ permalink] ... [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] ... [ The Daily Stirrer ] ... [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ] Mary Seacole Primary School
How Long Befoore Local School Is Named After Mary Seacole?
Ed West complains that steets and public buildings are now only named after black, leftist, non - British heroes. He has a point, recently named or re-named streets include:
Martin Luther King, the American civil rights leader,
Mary Seacole, the Jamaican nurse famed for her work during the Crimean War
and Julius Nyerere, the first president of Tanzania now have streets named after them in Huntingdon, Swindon and Islington, north London, respectively.

Desmond Tutu Drive, in Lewisham, south London, honours the South African cleric who helped to bring an end to the apartheid system. Sentamu Close, in Lambeth, is named after Archbishop of York, the Ugandan-born John Sentamu, who was a vicar in south London. Kwesi Mews, in Lambeth, marks Linton Kwesi Johnson, the Jamaican-born dub poet.

There is nothing wrong with most of these though Nyerere was a genocidal tyrant. Whether Johnson is a distinguished enough literary figure to me recognised above Dylsn Thomas, Robert Graves or Ted Hughes is arugable. Still at leasy Mary Seacole would not be handing out neclaces to the local kids as did Winnie Mandela in whose honour so many streets and public buildings were named not long ago.

Case Of Reverse Racism

[ permalink] ... [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] ... [ The Daily Stirrer ] ... [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ] Not Democratic
Security forces in Azerbaijan have launched a campaign against dozens of citizens for voting for the wrong entry in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest. Authorities in the oil-rich country are tracking down people who voted for Azerbaijan’s bitter enemy Armenia in the competition held in May. Rovshan Nasirli, a resident of the capital Baku, was one of 43 people in the country to vote for Armenia’s entry by text message. He told the National Security Ministry that he didn’t like the Azerbaijani entry, which featured an Iranian singer based in Sweden, and voted for Armenia because the song actually sounded “more Azeri”.

[ permalink] ... [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] ... [ The Daily Stirrer ] ... [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ] 666 Squadron? or Jews Might Fly
A group of rabbis and Jewish mystics have taken to the skies over Israel, praying and blowing ceremonial trumpets to ward off swine flu. About 50 religious leaders circled over the country on Monday, chanting prayers and blowing the horns called "shofars". The flight's aim was "to stop the pandemic so people will stop dying from it," Rabbi Yitzhak Batzri was quoted as saying in Yedioth Aharanot newspaper. The flu is often referred to as H1N1 in Israel, where pigs are seen as unclean.
We at Told by An idiot never used to worry when people told us "pigs might fly." We knewthat if they ever did SuperRabbi would fly in to save humankind.

[ permalink] ... [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] ... [ The Daily Stirrer ] ... [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

The Dangers Of You Tube
A Quebec father who posted a You-Tube video of his seven year old son driving the family car says he regrets letting his son get behind the wheel. In the video, the man rides in the front passenger seat with his camera in hand as his son Samuel cruises down a country road. The video has been seen widely throughout Canada, and the Quebec provincial police have opened an investigation. Police were also alarmed that none of the vehicles four occupant seen on camera – including the seven year old – appeared to be wearing a seatbelt.
The moral of this story is before posting their wild adventures on You Tube people should really think it through

Drunk On The Job
Two thieves’’ plan to rob a drinks depot of over £700 of stock took an unexpected turn when they passed out after consuming the drinks on site. Keith Cullen and Paul Wiggins were woken by police the next morning, having escaped only as far at the next door yard of the Kuehne Nagle Drinks Logistics depot at Plasmarl, Swansea.

Kiwis Creep Up On Australia
New Zealand and Australia are now physically closer together after an earthquake struck last week. After the 7.8 magnitude quake struck, New Zealand’s South Island was expanded towards Australia by about 30cm (12in). It was New Zealand’s biggest earthquake in 78 years but caused only slight damage to buildings. It triggered tsunami warnings but waves of just 20cm (8in) appeared.
The Australian Government have put their armed forces on full alert. Thogh there are no indications that New Zealand is planning a sneaky invasion you can't be too careful.

Lonesome George or Randy Reptile
Lonesome George, the world’s most inveterate bachelor, may finally be about to settle down. The 90 year old Pinta Island tortoise is the last of his kind, and scientists have been coaxing the giant tortoise to mate with a similar species for 15 years. On Monday his Galapagos Island handlers found five eggs in the compound he shares with a female giant tortoise. There is now a 120 day wait for the incubation period before finding out whether George deserves a new nickname. Tupper Terrapin perhaps?

Swamp Soccer
The world swamp soccer championships were held in Strachur , Argyll, Scotland last week. Swamp soccer began in Finland as a summer training activity for cross-country skiers. Finland hosted the first world tournament in 1997 when 13 teams took part. The sport has since grown to involve more than 200 teams. FC Full Gunge won the men’s title, beating Cowdungbeath, Real Mudrid, Pre-Mudonnas and Mudchesthair United. www.swampsoccer.co.uk

History: The Ascent Of Spam
One of the top attractions listed in the tourist guide for the small American town of Austin, Minnesota is The Spam Museum.

Oh well, I suppose its as good a place as any to fritter away and idle hour.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Helpful Bankers
Police in New Zealand are searching for a couple who disappeared after a banking blunder deposited NZ$10m (£3.9m, US$6m) in their account. The couple had applied for a NZ$10,000 overdraft but received NZ$10m in their business account instead, part of which they withdrew, local media report.

Trumped by The Court Card
Donald Trump, the orange-haired skyscraper mogul, said that anyone claiming he is not a billionaire is undermining his business, and that allegations that he was worth only $250m had cost him lucrative deals across the world. He is suing the author and publishers of TrumpNation for $5bn. In a court hearing, a questioner asked Mr Trump if he inflates the value of his properties in general, non-financial public statements. “Not beyond reason” was the reply.
We would say if you are down to your last $250million and your reputation is at risk that's as good a reason as any.

They are said to have run a service station in Rotorua, North Island. Police believe the couple have left the country and Interpol has been alerted for assistance.

[ permalink] ... [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] ... [ The Daily Stirrer ] ... [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

They Do It For The Buzz Bee rustling is the latest crime to hit Britain’s rural communities. A shortage of honey and winter losses of bees over the past two years have pushed up the value of honey bees to the point where they are a profitable target for thieves. A bee farmer in Shropshire has lost 100 hives, full of bees, while in Hampshire at least four farms have been hit in the past four months.
When brought to trial and asked why they do it, suspected bee rustlers usually say, "It gives me a buzz."

[ permalink] ... [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] ... [ The Daily Stirrer ] ... [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

This wine tastes like piss. yes sir, delicious isn't it?
New Zealand’s crisp white wines are justly famed, particularly those from the South Island’s Marlborough region. Now a study has analysed the taste of the country’s most popular wine, sauvignon blanc, and found flavours including asparagus, passion fruit and cat’s pee. Sue Blackmore, a wine science lecturer at Lincoln University, reassured wine drinkers that such flavours were present only in very small quantities. One vineyard, Coopers Creek, is marketing its sauvignon blanc under the name “Cat’s Pee on a Gooseberry Bush”, calling it “a youthful, kittenish wine, full of zing and zip.”

[ permalink] ... [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] ... [ The Daily Stirrer ] ... [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

Truth about missing link revealed (Boggart Blog exclusive)
There has been a lot of excitement about Ida, the 47 million year old fossil found in a primeval bog in Germany. Paleontologists from the world’s leading Universities are in a right old kerfuffle about the find and are claiming Ida, properly known as Darwinius Masillae is a common ancestor of chimps, monkeys, lemurs and humans. Scientists are an excitable lot and prone to overststating their case so should we really believe this find will end forever the argument between evolutionists and creationists? Maybe not…

Some more level headed observers have already pointed out the uncanny resemblance Ida bears to The Pink Panther. So have we finally found the final piece in the puzzle of human evolution or is this just a scientific fallacy. Well at Boggart Blog, as our name suggests we know a thing or two about bogs and the creatures that live in them. Our CEO, the world’s most famous Boggart Jenny Greenteeth told us this. Living in a bog environment can accelerate the ageing process so it isn’t likely the fossil is really 47 million years old.

Based on Jenny’s advice we commissioned DNA tests and can reveal Ida is the secret love child of Jordan and Mick Hucknall.

Better Than WWF
Russian police say one person was killed and four were seriously injured in a mass brawl involving 1,500 people in Dagestan, a restive southern province nest to Chechnya. Officers said people in two villages were involved in a dispute over the result of a wrestling contest on Saturday. A spokesman said the rioters were armed with guns and knives.Sounds morke like what we would expect to see at a british Premiership football game than a wrestling contest

[ permalink] ... [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] ... [ The Daily Stirrer ] ... [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

Wallytosis. Scientists have found an unusual way of checking the health of whales. By flying a radio-controlled helicopter over their blowholes as they exhales, bugs from the water vapour sprayed into the air can be captured and analysed. The inventor of the technique, Dr Karina Acevedo-Whitehouse, said “Most studied on whale pathogens have focused on dead, stranded or captive animals, which are hardly representative.”
Those whacky scientists just can't stop making us laugh. Not content with trying to create back holes to swallow us all and reval the secrets of the universe to nobody because we will all be dematerialised in their experiment, now they are molesting whales so we will all be able to know if the biggest mammals have bad breath or not.
We think someone should put up a web page listing the embarrassing dieases of scientiists, bad breat, constipation, piles, thrush, clap, lice etc. See if they are still so insensitive to whales one they know how it feels to be publicly exposed.

[ permalink] ... [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] ... [ The Daily Stirrer ] ... [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

May The Force be With You
Eight police officers serving with Scotland's largest force listed their official religion as Jedi in voluntary diversity forms, it has emerged. Strathclyde Police said the officers and two of its civilian staff claimed to follow the faith, which features in the Star Wars movies. The details were obtained in a Freedom of Information request by Jane's Police Review. Strathclyde was the only force in the UK to admit it had Jedi officers.
[ permalink] ... [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] ... [ The Daily Stirrer ] ... [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

Curl Up And Die
A woman from Ramsbottom, Lancashire, was taken to hospital after suffering an extreme allergic reaction to a home hair dye kit. Susan Taylor's face, head and neck became swollen within hours of using the Garnier Nutrisse colour. She was put on a drip and given anti-histamines and steroids by medical staff. It took more than a week for the symptoms to ease.

Taylor admits she only performed a 24-hour skin test instead of the manufacturers' recommended 48 hours. Taylor, 55, says she is so traumatised she doesn't want to leave her home. She is urging other people to carefully follow the instructions on the box of hair products.

"I've been dying my hair since I was 17, I've even used this product before, but I've never experienced anything as awful as this."
[ permalink] ... [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] ... [ The Daily Stirrer ] ... [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

Good Work Boys
A Brazilian woman was refused entry to the UK when she arrived with luggage containing only T shirts, a dressing gown and lingerie. Border officers said they suspected the 32 year old of being involved in the sex industry.

Shrewed decuctive skills by the security boys there,this item should perhaps be filed under the "no shit Sherlock" tag.
[Top of page] [Comedy Menu] ... [ The Daily Stirrer ] ... [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

Obsessive Compulsive Divorce
A German woman has divorced her husband after 15 years of marriage because she was fed up with him for cleaing all the time. She ran out of patience when he knocked down and rebuilt a wall at their home when it got dirty.
That seems a bi harsh to us. He could have knocked down the wall and told her to rebuild it.
[Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

Yellow Carded By His Own Petard.
Have you ever wondered what the phrase “hoist by his own petard” means? It does not make any kind of sense does it and what is a petard anyway?

The dictionary is not much help, it defines petard as a small bomb or the blast made by such a bomb. A working knowledge of French helps. In that language a petard is a small wind. So during the Napoleonic wars someone might have been said to be “hoist by their own petard” when their windbaggery was exposed as having little substance and thus they brought about their own downfall.

A small blast of wind with no substance (we hope)proved the undoing of a Chorlton Villa footballer in a Manchester Amateur League last Saturday. The player let rip loudly just as an opponent prepared to take a penalty kick.

The Referee was not amused and gave the man a yellow card for “ungentlemanly conduct.” When the kick was retaken Villa’s opponents scored.
[Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

A Load Of Bull Or No Bullshit?
Spain’s economic woes have bitten into the heart of the nation with one small town voting at the weekend to scrap its annual bullfighting festival to save public money. The festival in Mansanares El Real, north of Madrid, is held in August. Residents decided in a referendum that the four day fiesta would not feature bulls this year.

No Bullshit say the town's street cleaners but the animal rights campaigners say "sound like a load of old bull" to us.
[Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

Scientists Fade To Grey
Computer and video games that involve guns and shooting can improve eyesight according to a study showing that a person’s night-time vision gets better after playing electronic action games. Scientists found that games involving aiming and shooting at virtual objects on a computer screen can significantly increase people’s ability to see objects in twilight conditions when colours fade into different shades of grey.

Scientists again? Can these people find nothing better to do - like finding the answer to Life, The Universe and Everything or learing how to generate electricity from dead penguins.
[Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

Express Your Political Opinions
An American web site is advertising toilet paper with the faces of some of the politicians it sees as responsible for bailing out the bankers, including Dick Cheney, Alan Greenspan and Christopher Cox. Banksterbuddies.com even gives dietary preparation guidance. “Eat some greasy bacon, a cheesy omelette with onions, drink some coffee to get things moving, and express yourself. They dump on our rights, we wipe with their faces.”
[Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

Woman gets pine cone stuck in her vagina We are not going to report the story of the woman who had to go to hospital to have a pine cone surgically removed from her vagina. We are not even going to try.

Sometimes the truth cannot be improved upon.
Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

Nosey Sandwich Stuffer A sandwich bar worker sacked after footage of him stuffing lettuce up his nose appeared on YouTube has narrowly avoided a jail sentence. Richard Shannon, who was also seen putting salad leaves in his mouth and spitting them out, was arrested last year after a “disgusted” customer recognised him on the internet. The irate woman went to the Subway branch in Brownhills, West Midlands and hurled a chair at him after seeing the footage.
Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ New Posts ]

Monkey Maths In tests, monkeys are almost as good as college students when it comes to simple arithmetic. A study was carried out on two femal rhesus macaques, called Boxer and Feinstein, which were pitched against 14 American students with an average age of 23. Both groups carried out the same mental addition tasks, with the students being correct 94 per cent of the time, while the two macaques scored a respectable 76 per cent
CLICK HERE to read Ronald McDonald To Teach Australians Mathsand more great humour at Boggart Blog
Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

WARNING: Dairy Milk chocolate contains milk
Cadbury’s has decided to warn shoppers that its most popular milk chocolate brand contains milk. The company said the new advisory logo was needed in case people who were allergic to milk did not realise there was milk in Dairy Milk bars.
Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Britain's Tallest Trees
Towering 63.79m above the Argyll countryside, the Stronardron Douglas Fir has been named the tallest tree in Britain. Measuring some 12m taller than Nelson’s Column, the vast conifer, best viewed from the walls of nearby Duncan’s castle, was crowned after being measure by five experts taking part in the Tall Trees Project 2009. Britain’s four tallest trees were all found in Scotland
It's safe to assume there are not many Bonsai fans in Scotland then?
Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Oswald's Window
A legal battle over the ownership of the window where Lee Harvey Oswald propped his rifle, before firing on President John Kennedy, ended up in a Dallas courtroom yesterday. The judge must decide which of two windows - removed at separate times from the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository – is the snipers perch. Caruth Byrd says he inherited the window from his father, who feared the window would be stolen by souvenir hunters. He had the eight pane window removed six weeks after the assassination. But Aubrey Mayhew says Mr Byrd took the wrong window – from the south west corner, and not the south east corner. Mr Mayhew’s window was removed in the early 1970s.
No mention of who owns the grassy knoll then? We hope it wasn't bulldozed to make way for a gun shop.
Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Joe King By Name and Joe King By Nature...
What do you call some of the most unfortunate people in Britain? Well just in case you are stuck for an answer here are some suggestions. Justin Case (sic), Barb Dwyer and Stan Still. It sounds like a typical Boggart Blog Department of Tired Old Jokes offering, but a trawl by serious researchers through the necrobuffonomicon (the book of dead funny names) has revealed that there really are unfortunate people with those names in the UK. Joining them on the list are Terry Bull, Paige Turner, Mary Christmas and Anna Sasin. And just imagine having to introduce yourself to a crowd as Doug Hole or Hazel Nutt. The names were uncovered by a research team from parenting group TheBabyWebsite.com after parsing through online telephone records.

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Poles Driving The Paddy Wagon.
News of how police in the Irish Republic finally caught up with the country's most reckless driver have emerged, the Irish Times reports.
Prawo Jazdy had been wanted from counties Cork to Cavan after racking up scores of speeding tickets and parking fines. However, each time the serial offender was stopped he managed to evade justice by giving a different address.
But then his cover was blown. It was discovered that "Prawo Jazdy" is actually Polish for "driving licence" and not the first and surname on the licence. The Garda computer system has created Prawo Jazdy as a person with over 50 identities."
Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Danny Boyle: A Song For Oscar Let's celebrate the victory of the British film Slumdog Millionair by revamping an old song. You all know the tune so these words can be sung as you watch the showbiz extravaganza on television tonight... Oh Danny Boyle you won the effing Oscar with your low – budget Slumdog Millionaire. You beat Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie You beat them all and never brushed your hair. Now come ye back and make a British movie and show the world just how well we can do with top class scripts and high quality actors. Big budget blockbusters are just a pile of poo. Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

The Dudley Moore of Venice Hoping to get off to the West Yorkshire Playhouse sometime this week to see Lenny Henry making his serious acting debut doing Shakespeare. He's playing the title role in Othello: The Dudley Moor of Venice... Goodbye, Goodbye, we're leaving you, goodbye.... Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Fifteen suspected illegal immigrants were discovered in the back of a lorry containing chocolate powder as it arrived at the Mars factory in Slough. The police were called after an employee found the men, who were taken away for questioning. The Hungarian driving the lorry, which contained chocolate crum for use in Mars bars and Snickers, was also detained. A police spokesman said none of the men were injured.

If the illegal immigrants had been African they would have got away with hiding in a truck load of chocolate powerd. Hungarians would have been smarter to travel on a truck carrying a consignment pof powdered milk.

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Gene Is Genetically Shy
Not long ago it was reported by the national press and television that geneticists had identified a gene that causes shyness in human beings. Ever since then Boggart Blog, always willing to go where mainstream media fears to tread, has been trying to secure the first interview with the reclusive gene. We though it might tell us how it works and thus help chronically shy people to have a better social life.

Sadly the gene refuses to be interviewed and wears a bag over its head to prevent photographs.

Since we first tried to contact it the gene has changed location regularly, leave it’s phone off the hook, does not carry a cellphone, uses a mailing address and has told us through friends it just wants to be left alone.

There are some genes you just can’t help.
# Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

How Far From A Rat Are You

The nation it seems is on the brink of being overrun by a plague of rats.

This may well provide opportunities for Boggart Blog music correspondent Brother Bastion to find gainful employment as a Pied Piper. His first gig was with the junior school recorder band so it's right up his street.

For the rest of us though it is just more bad news.

A report to be published this week by the Department Of Rodent Related Fear And Panic Incidents will remind us, the great British public that none of us are ever more than a few feet away from a rat and that the repulsive animals are spreading northwards through all commnities.

Don't be too hard on the poor creatures though. They have to go somewhere now they have all lost their jobs in the investment banking industry.

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Spaghetti Racists

The Italian city of Lucca was accused of “culinary racism” after the city banned non-Italian restaurants from opening in its historic centre. Tuscany’s regional government said the crackdown on licenses for new premises within the city walls was discriminatory. A spokesman said the town council did not see what the problem was. Anybody could open a restaurant so long as it only served Italian food.

Meanwhile in Australia they have their own food and drink related problems.
Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

A Stupid Criminal Boggart Blog used to run a regular Stupid Criminal Of The Month award. Few of the winners though could beat Thomas Infante of Alberquerque New Mexico.

Last week Thomas ran into a bank and held up a misspelt note written on the back of his payslip. The note, which he then discarded, read “Be Quick Be Quit. Give your cash or I’ll shoot”.

It being his payslip, on the other side was Infante’s name and address. The police were waiting for him when he arrived home.
Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Death By Exploding Phone

News from China. A man was killed when his mobile phone exploded, severing a major artery in his neck. The man, a shop assistant at a computer shop in Guangzhou, died after he put a new battery in his phone and had placed it in his breast pocket.

The make and model of the phone and its battery are not known at this time.

This is the ninth recorded cellphone explosion in China since 2002, and second death.

An Greenteeth Multi Media investigation has found that in all cellphone related fatalaties the ded person was calling the office after work from a crowded train while seated next to a red faced, middle aged individual who was tutting and harrumphing loudly.

Until it has been establishe that tutting and harrumphing are not responsible for turning cellphone batteries into unstable explosives phone users are advised to ask any fellow passenger fitting this description to leave the train or alternatively lock themselves in the train’s toilet for safety sake…

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Happy Cows?

Remember the adverts for soft cheese where the cows were singing "We are happy cows", the implication that milk from happy cows makes the best cream cheese? Well there could be something in it.

Cows given names produce more milk that nameless cattle, scientists have found. A study by Newcastle University suggests that giving a cow a name and treating her as an individual can increase milk yields by as much as 500 pints a year. “Just as people respond to the personal touch, so cows feel happier with one-to-one attention,” said researcher Dr Catherine Douglas.

We would not dare suggest Dr. Douglas is talking bullocks. After all she is a scientist and every time we take the piss out of scientists we get told off because they are all very clever, serious minded people who are dedicated to stretching the boundaries of human knowledge. And if they stretch knowledge of cheese far enough they might one day be able to tell us what the moon is made out of.

Related Posts Gone To The moon Life On Mars Scientists Not Sure About The Large Hadron Collider Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Cakeorns High winds have toppled a 223 year old beech tree planted for Marie Antoinette at Versailles Palace. The 82ft purple beech came down last Friday, and will be cut up and sold to paper-makers. Marie Antoinette’s favourite oak died in the severe heat wave of 2003. Not so much Let Them Eat Cake as let them eat oak.
Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

News From The Recession

Last week we were entertained by the Government's admission that the economy is now officially in recession, to which Chancellor Darling responded with the coment "There does seem to have been a significan downturn in recent weeks." (Has he been living on the moon with the Clangers?)

Then we had David Cameron saying Britain was so hard up we would need a bail out from the International Monetary Fund.

Gordon Brown snapped back that it was entirely irresponsible of Mr Cameron to suggest such a thing.

What that really means is by the end of the week Gordon will have asked the Fund for a bailout.

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Belt and Braces For You My Boy

Women, and men I guess, of a certain age abhor the current fashion amongst male youths of wearing their jeans so loose that the crotch sways between their knees and if you inadvertantly glance down you get an eyeful of sprightly pubic hair or think you've found somewhere to leave your bike, depending which direction you are coming from.
As I wander the city centres my husband occasionally has to restrain me from leaping forward and, by the gentlest of downward tugs, de-bagging some innocent fashion victim as he shuffles by.
But here is a cautionary tale for the builder's bum brigade.
Attempting to burgle a Tesco store in Wigan, Daniel Davis fell into the chimney stack and found that he was stuck. As he desperately tried to wriggle free, the only things he managed to wriggle out of were his clothes, and was stark naked when he was eventually found and rescued.
Belt and braces next time you go a burgling my boy.
Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

NHS Meats Target For Reducing Carbon Footprint

News today that due to concerns about the failure to reach targets for reducing its carbon footprint the NHS is to remove meat from the menus offered to patients.
NHS managers have learned that intensively farmed meat has a high carbon footprint so they plan to replace meat based meals with vegetarian options.
We cannot see how it will make much difference. The NHS removed edible food from menus offered to patients years ago.
Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Did The Bionic Woman Have Knitted Tits?

An OAP from Brighton spends her days knitting breasts.

Audrey Horncastle has been knitting breasts for the past three years and reckons to have made at least three hundred. Currently she expects to knock out one a day.

Obviously a 32AA takes a lot less time and wool than a 38GG, so we assume the one a day is an average. Audrey said, "I try to keep abreast of fashion, but generally I stick to fleshy tones."

Oh all right, no she didn't but I couldn't resist it.

However given the recent developments in knitting technology, see comments on FOR THE WOMAN WHO HAS NEARLY EVERYTHING, one wonders how long it will be before there is Knitonic Woman.

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

You Can Keep Your Hat On

Police in Lagos have arrested scores of motorcycle taxi-riders with dried fruit shells, paint pots, pans or pieces of rubber tyre tied to their heads to avoid a new law requiring them to wear helmets. Nigerians say the helmets are too expensive and passengers say they fear catching skin diseases or being put under a black magic spell.

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Better Late Than Never A 107 year old Chinese woman who was afraid to marry when she was young has decided to look for her first husband. She hopes to find a fellow centenarian so they will have something to talk about.

Wang Guiyang is worried she is becoming a burden to her family since breaking her leg when she was 102 and had to stop doing chores such as washing clothes. “I’m already 107 and I still haven’t got married,” she said. “What will happen if I don’t hurry up and find a husband?”

And what a lucky man he will be. Who would think it possible these days to marry a woman over thirty and find she is still a virgin..
Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Drunk In Charge Of A Mobility Scooter
A woman from Greater Manchester was banned from driving for 20 months yesterday after pleading guilty to being drunk in charge of a mobility scooter.

The woman had taken the scooter, top speed 2.5 mph from outside an ASDA supermarket when on leaving a nearby pub after a night out she found she had missed the last bus and did not fancy the ten mile walk home.

A police spokesman commenting on the case said, "at lest she had the good sense to pull over when a patrol car ordered her to. If she had tried to escape and out run the police car thus initiating a car chase she could have faced more serious charges. (if only.)

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Lighter Jail Terms For The Overweight

A forty stone man has been given a lighter sentence than maybe following his baseball bat attack on two men, in their own home. Owens appears to be the man the government is forever warning us we may turn into, as he is morbidly obese and consequently suffers from diabetes, angina and sleep aponea.
Apparently Mr. Owens is afraid he might die in jail.

Funny how he wasn't worried about having a heart attack as he weilded his baseball bat at his victims after bursting into their home.

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Bumper Sticker Philosophy

In the United States anti-intellectualism has gained such strength that the mosdt intelligent reading matter for many people is the Bumper Sticker or T - shirt slogan.

Stuck for suitable platforms from which they can express their wit and erudition America's wordsmiths have raised the creation of pithy slogans that perfectly express the zeitgeist to an artform.

For example January's top selling bumber sticker reads "01 - 20 -2009, The End Of An Error."

One any of us wordplay obsessed Brits would be proud of I think.

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Happy Birthday Little Hitler

It looked at one stage as if little Adolf Hitler would not be getting the birthday cake with his name on he had dreamed of.

The three year old, the child of Heath and Deborah Campbell of New Jersey was looking forward to celebrating his big day with a massive slice of personalised cake but the local cake store refused to put the words Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler on the icing saying some people would consider it racist.

The Campbells, who say they are not Nazis but chose the names for their son because they wanted him to have a name nobody else in the world had so he would always know he was special, were outraged.

“A name is just a name,” said Dad Heath, “it doesn’t mean the kid will grow up to do what Hitler did.”

No, but little Hitler might grow up to be a Health and Safety Inspector which is worse.

The non - nazi couple’s other two children are named Joyce Lynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Heinrich Himmler Jeannie Campbell.

They’re just an ordinary family with a penchant for fun filled names then. I wonder if instead of Happy Birthday the family planned to sing Tomorrow Belongs To Me as little Adolf blew out hid three candles.

But what of the poor little boy’s birthday party, did he have to suffer for his parents stupidity?

Fortunately no, it all tuned out well when Wal Mart, a company not know in any way for having fascist tendencies offered the services of their cake decorating counter.

Ah, we all love a happy ending.

FOOTNOTE: The Campbells told Boggart Blogs New Jersey correspondent they are so sick of being hassled for giving their kids distinctive names that if they have another male child he will simply be called “boy 2” until the eve of his thirteenth birthday when he will be baptised as “Completely Unsuitably Named Teenager.”

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

He's Behind You

Health and Safety stormtroopers sanction unsafe pantomime. Read the full story: He's Behind You: - Oh No he Isn't, It Would Contravene heath And Safety Regulations at Boggart Blog WLTM Sexy Robot With GSOH

Speaking at the International Federation Of Robotics Conferencelast week one of the speakers revealed a frightening vision of the future. British futurologist David Levy predicted that by 2050 humans whould choose robots over other people as companions and sex partners. Strangely his vision was repeated by other speakers who forsee robots putting more than half of us out of work within a decade and replacing our human friends.

Do you get the feling these people need to switch off their computers and get out more?

Read full story When Your Best Mate Is A Robot at Boggart Blog

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

University Challenged - Intellectually

University lecturers are in one of those professions that does not enforce retirement at sixty – five. In many ways this is a good thing, if the official state retirement age was imposed there would be nobody teaching history at a higher education level. So while a flexible retirement age can be a good thing we think York University is pushing things a bit beyond the limit.

A 2000 year old brain was recently discovered on the York campus during preliminary excavations for a new extension to the University.

Age is no bar to intellectual brilliance and there are many examples of people whose intellect only flowers as their physical prowess begin to wane. In this context the name Bruce Forsyth does not sping to mind.

People like David Attenborough, Germaine Greer, Joan bakewell, Alan bennett and Sir Gandalf McKellen all demonstrate there is plenty of life in the over sixty fives so we must resits ageism as we resist other isms when we consider the future of the 2000 year old brain.

It will not be possible to resume teaching duties without undergoing some retraining of course, a lot has happened in the past 2000 years. Once the brain is up to speed on the Roman era, Christianity, the dark ages, the renaissance, the industrial revolution and klingon studies it will then be placed on a sphere filled with biotic fluid, like Davros in Doctor Who, and with the aid of one of those Stephen hawking voice synth widgets it will be able to return to giving lectures and tutorials

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Sniping At Santa

Life is not much fun in slums of Rio de Janeiro. In the prosperous industrial nations most time the sound of a helicopters is heard it signals excitement; a rock star or visiting celebrity is in the area maybe, or a military recruitment unit are giving free rides. In Rio however the noise of a chopper only means one thing: armed police.

So, when a helicopter flew over the Vila Joao district last weekend local drug dealer respondeds in the time honoured manner - they fetched their AK47s and Uzi 9mms and opened fire. Unfortunately the helicopter was on a mission to deliver Santa Claus to a children's party,

The helicopter took two rounds in the fuselage and Santa was so pissed off he ordered the pilot to turn round and head back to the heliport. One on the spot reporter tells us:

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"I'll be back with grenades, if you thugs want a fight!"

It was not a big tragedy, nobody died, as they say. All the same we have a feeling Rio's drug barons may be very disappointed when they look in their stocking this Christmas morning.

For the darker side of Chrismas look at: The Pinnacle of Cynical Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Speaking In Tongues

"A lot of people found it disturbing," said Rob Sparks, a pupil at Pelahatchie high school, Mississippi, Bible Belt, U.S.A.

Sparks added "Some students were so freaked out they had to leave school. A few have not returned yet."

Students at the school called the local Television news studio convinced that an evil spirit had taken over classmate Lashundra Clanton. She was speaking in tongues and weeping. As an end of term prank it would take some beating but remember this is America's deep south and it was no prank. Many students and a worryingly large number of teachers are sure the girl is possessed by an evil spirit.

"Some believe, some don't," says Clanton. "They say it was the devil, but the devil only tells lies. Everything I said was the truth."

One has to wonder how she knew it was the truth if she was speaking in tongues?

Clanton admits she spoke in tongues and made predictions for her classmates. She said it was God speaking through her, not the devil. She adds:"I didn't cuss anyone out. If it was a demon, I would have tore that school up. I would have thrown desks and everything. I didn't say no cuss words at all." unfortunately nobody mentions whether her head rotated three hundred and sixty degrees or she drenched her classmates with projectile vomit.

Joyce Spann believes God is using her daughter to touch students at Pelahatchie High School. Ah, the girl does not have the same surname as her mother. And do they live in a static caravan we wonder? And is Stepdaddy's hair cut in a mullet by any chance? Speaking of school staffs' treatment of her daughter Spann said"They said they didn't know what to do. They didn't know how to handle the problem and they really didn't come up with a solution."

Clint (!) Sparks, the father of Rob said he's unsure what to believe about Clanton's experience. But he said that school officials should have told parents about what happened. Instead, they heard it from their children.

"It disrupted class, and I think they could have done a little bit better," Clint Sparks said.

Clanton continues to go to class. She said God hasn't spoken through her since Wednesday.

Her mother said the school didn't punish her daughter, though officials warned her that if she disrupts class, they will send her home.

Down here on Planet Reality we wonder not whether Barak Obama or anybody else can save America but if it is worth saving.

More weird and wonderful news from The Anorak Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

The Most Unwanted Title

And so we bid a sad goodbye to Edna Porter who has shuffled off this mortal coil to visit "that unexplored country from in whose bourne no traveller returns" at the tender age of 115. For a year prior to her demise Edna who lived in Michigan, USA had been the world's oldest living person. This means our own British oldie Henry Allingham, the WW1 pilot must, at 112, be a contender. But when you think about it The World's Oldest Person must be the most unwanted title ever. Once the title is thrust upon you, you know you are never going to get out of it alive. Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Old Cheese

High Street retailer Marks and Spencer are selling what is claimed to be Britain's oldest cheese. The three year old cheddar is so mature it has developed, according to the makers, crunchy calcium lactate crystals.

If you are thinking it sounds as if it should be given a decent burial rather than be eaten remember this: if you have ever ordered a cheese sandwich in a Motorway Services area restaurant you have probably eaten cheese much older.

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Michelles Inaguration Dress

Michelle Obama's (lack of) dress sense has raised eyebrows more effectively than a botched botox treatment and the dress she worse on the election night extravaganza, while said by some to be sending a message about white America's race crimes, looked more as if she was having a very heavy period and had forgotten her tampax. Now the fashion indistry are on her case.

Fashion Industry newspaper Women's Wear Daily asked major designers to contribute ideas for Michelle Obama's inaugural dress. The up and coming designers face a real challenge. Michelle you see presents the same problem as Cherie Blair, a normal sized body with an arse as big as the chip on her shoulder.

With that combination she is just never going to hack it as a style icon.

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Consumer Madness There are some product lanches that just make us wonder if all education is a waste of money. It seems the more highly and expensively educated people may be the less likely they are to understand the importance of thinking things through. Take this product, the Jaccuzzi with built in TV. The height of luxury for the idle rich perhaps but do you spot the obvious design flaw? Wonder how much the very clever people who designed that were paid. Read the story :

Jacuzzi Floozy at reuters news blog.

Despite the obvious problems we hear the Jaccuzzi TV is the current best seller in luxury bathroom equipment ranges.

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Sleepwalkers head for Travelodge

Financial worries are leading to an increase in sleepwalking, researchers claim. Instances of sleepwalking have increased three-fold this year compared to last, according to a poll by the hotel chain Travelodge. Some 3,500 adults and 350 Travelodge hotel managers responded to the poll. Economic fears and worries about being sacked are thought to head the reasons for sleepwalking. The survey also found that 98 per cent of sleepwalkers are naked men, and the optimum time for sleep-walker spotting is 3.27am. Sleepwalker - spotting? is this a new recesion game for anoraks? Required kit, a waterproof, quited, fleecy lined jacked, a pair of thick lensed glasses, a woolly hat with a bobble, and a case of chronic insomnia. 98% of sleepwalkers are naked men, a gender split similar to internet dating sites then, but what's the sleepwalking bit all about. A few years ago we used to call them flashers. And as usual we have to ask "what kind of weirdos commission this type of research? Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

A Koala Is For Life Not Just For Christmas. If you want to make a loved one very happy this Christmas, forget all the usual presents, wine, a gift token, tacky sweaters or T shirts, exotic lingerie (unless you're buying it for a man - if he's into wearing lingerie something from Agent Provocateur or Victoria's Secret will make him very happy) flashing Stana dolls and all the usual rubbish. You can get a really original gift that anybody would love by adoping a Koala on behalf of your friend or relative.

Koala's are cute, cuddly and totally lovable, who could resist one. Well even though the publicity omits to mention the poo and the fleas with which the tree dwelling marsupials are often infected there are other drawbacks. First the Koala has to stay in Australia and then it is not just a one off payment but $US40 per year. And as Koalas all tend to look the same how would anyone know which is theirs if they travelled to Australia to visit it?

Hmm, perhaps it would be best to stick with Agent Provocateur for your dear one. Especially if his name is Bruce or Kevin. (story: Reuters)

Keywords: Christmas Koala gift humour humor Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Reassuring Scotland

The Scots accent has come top in a poll of the most reassuring voices to hear in times of emergency. The Royal National Lifeboat Institute (RNLI) who you would think had better things to do, conducted a survey asking 2,000 people which accent is most soothing in a crisis. Scots received almost a fifth of votes, beating Geordie, Irish and Welsh. Estuary English, spoken in the Thames area, came second with 15 per cent.

We find this rather strange. OK, those stories about Scotsmen throwing a line to someone drowning in a lake and then chrging them £5 for use of the rope are just tired old jokes but in dire straits surely we would be equally reassured to hear any human voice.

On the other hand if you are choking on a mouthful of bread and meat in the Edinburgh branch of MacBurgers you would, would you not, want somebody to perform the heimlich Manouvre rather than saying in a reassuring voice, "You'll no be wanting fries wi' that then Jimmy."

Keywords: Scotland Scottish accent emergency humour humor Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Carla's Corner for the silliest gifts.

From Greenteeth's friend Carla Dodd. I’m delighted to bring you some fun, unique gift ideas for your Christmas list and beyond. I’ve recently opened a new store at Café Press called Carla’s Corner (www.cafepress.com/carlascorner) with shirts, mugs, greeting and note cards, tote bags, and shirts of all sizes.

Here are a few samples:
“Frostafarian” snowman complete with stocking cap and dreadlocks
Grownup humor for babies, including “I’m at the grownups table and you’re not”
Cute ideas for kids: snowgirls, Christmas trees, and slogans
Designated driver t-shirts to honor the person who keeps you safe
Gifts for the wine lover, the cat lover, and the computer systems guy
Humor for women of all sizes
“Fiftylicious” shirts for those celebrating half a century
…much more at the shop!

"I am truly thankful this holiday season to take a longtime hobby and turn it into a business with an excellent company like Café Press. Thanks to all of you for your encouragement, support, and friendship in the past and present."

Dread Snowman sounds great but he can't compete with the novelty toy in our house, Uncle Windy The Farting Gnome. He has a movement sensor to control his fart-noise generator so we stand him in the hallway and when anyone passes he rips one off for them. What a pity smells can't be digitized but good luck to Carla with her venture.

Please take a look at Carla’s Corner, and e-mail the address to your friends. You'll be helping a fun person.

Keywords: Christmas gift snowman humour humor

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Healthy hand Relief?

Sydney brothels are passing off sex acts as therapy and billing health insurers. The fraud was uncovered after insurers investigated a newspaper advert offering a “young attractive masseuse with a health fund rebate”. It is not yet clear if criminal charges will be bought against those involved.

The brothel keepers were a bit unwise we feel to mention the young attractive masseuse. In Britain both brothels and car repair shops advertise "full service."

On the other hand if the advertising was more vague you could have problems if someone arrived at the premises expecting a scantily clad woman to greet him and was welcomed by a hairy arsed grease monkey who wanted to check his dipstick. Keywords: brothel massage sex health humour humor

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

What a bunch of Bankers

The banking giant HSBC is considering repossessing its own Canary Wharf headquarters, as it holds talks with the troubled Spanish property company which owns the building. Metrobacesa, which bought the building from HSBC for more than £1bn in a sale and leaseback agreement in 2007, is facing increasing financial difficulty and looks unable to pay back the bridging loan, from HSBC, of £810m which is due on 28 November.

It will be fascinating to see how HSBC go about evicting themselves

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

French Films Are A Joke

Les Cahiers du Cinema, a prestigious French Cinema magazine, has drawn up a list of the best 100 movies made. Most are American, many are French, there are German, Italian, Spanish, Russian, Swedish, Indian and Japanese films on the list – but none are British. All 100 movies will be shown at a cinema in the fifth arrondissement of Paris until July 2009.

Typical of the pretentious French movie industry. They can vote for Japanese boredomfests or interminable two dimensional animatons made in Czechoslosoddingvakia but cannot find a place for such British Classics as Ooer Missis, You Made A Double Entenre, Don't Make It Look Realistic and Confessions Of A Very Bad Scriptwriter. And of course they would never consider Greenteeth Multi Media's classic pastiche of French movie making, Effoncez Votre Vedettes Comique Monsieur. effing Hulot.

Bloody chauvinits

Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

Batman Sues

The mayor of a city called Batman in south eastern Turkey is claiming a stake in the multi-million dollar movie franchise. Husseyn Kalkan, Batman’s mayor, is suing Warner Bros for film royalties for using the city’s name without permission. “There is only one Batman in the world,” Mr Kalkan reportedly said. The film’s psychological impact on Batman inhabitants is said to be blamed for a number of unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate.

You can understand the women wanting to top themselves if their hubbies insist on dressing as the Caped Crusader every night, especiaaly if he insists on his Boy Wonder getting into bed with them. Apart from that the village sounds like an ideal holiday destination for members of "Fathers For Justice.

The mayor should stop whingeing and see this as an opportunity..

Keywords: Batman superhero Turkey humour humor Back to : [Top of page] [Comedy Menu] [Greenteeth Portal] [ Boggart Blog ]

buzz it up delicious magnolia mixx pulse tagged digg

Greenteeth Navigation