Forward Psychic Soldiers
by Ian R Thorpe
2007-02-28

Psychic Soldiers Attennnnnnnnnn-SHUN!

A story resurfaced this week which on its first appearance in the 1980s provoked great hilarity. So a big Thank You from Boggart Blog to the U.S. Freedom of Information Laws under which details of the Pentagon’s Psychic Warfare Unit have just been released into the public domain.

Among the whackier projects of the were a plan to train soldiers to kill goats just by staring at them and another to identify and train personnel capable of walking through walls to infiltrate enemy installations. Did I mention the Psychic Warfare Unit was based in California BTW? The psychic slaughter of goats, had it worked, might have turned out to be spookily prescient. After all it is feasible that Al Quaeda are planning to or have already used Goats of Mass Destruction in Iraq and Afghanistan.

So how was the psychic slaughter project supposed to operate. What mystery had the US DoD unlocked, what ancient, weird wisdom had they rediscovered. Perhaps the aliens they keep in Area 51 had revealed some knowledge from an advanced, superior secret

Or maybe thy just got conned. What the hell, it's not their money is it?

It seems the psychic and mystical warfare unit got hold of psychically gifted soldiers and trained him to concentrate very very hard on the idea of goats dying while he started at one. Now it has long been the policy of the Pentagon to force feed amphetamines to American soldiers to keep them hyped up in readiness for a friendly fire incident, so getting one to concentrate very very hard for more that two seconds on anything excluding drugs, porn, fast food and shooting things is an achievement in itself.

All things considered then, the project was doomed from the start.

On top of the other setbacks, the goats proved themselves more intelligent than the soldiers by wandering off to eat some grass. Except for one that is which found itself being looked at in a dewy eyed way by a boy from Alabama. This one ran off as if its arse was on fire and was never seen again.

This leaves us with the question, is it possible to kill a goat by staring at it? As a Druid I can tell you that it is so long as you don’t die of dehydration before the goat. Its a lot easier to shoot one however.

Moving on quickly to the walking through walls project, this has its beginnings in sensible atomic physics theory. It ought to have had its endings there too. Unfortunately a General who had once been involved in military experiments with LSD and had obviously spent a lot of time swallowing amphetamines and staring at goats stumbled on a completely irrational hippie philosophy, that there are no facts and anything we believe is our own personal truth.

The General has his psychic instructors explain that to a team of men who had displayed the potential to be able to walk through walls with the right training. In this way they would infiltrate enemy installations. Sadly nobody bothered to explain it to the walls. The theory is that an atom consists of a nucleus that is orbited by electrons. Between the atom and the electrons is empty space. Thus the universe is made up of atoms that consist of more empty space than solid stuff. CAREFUL! That chair you are sitting on is made of nothing. The General decided that as humans are made mostly of empty space as are walls, tables, chairs, crocodiles and lumps of cheese it should be easy for a human to pass through a wall. All you had to do was believe.

The sergeants of the Psychic Warfare Unit lined up their men and yelled “Right lads, see that wall? Well it isn’t really there, you’ve just been conditioned to believe its there. Now by the left, through the wall CHARGE!”

And the men charged the wall - and ended up with sore noses.

The theory was sound insofar as atoms do actually consist of more space than matter. But things are never as simple as they seem and what the U.S. Military did not take into account was the not-yet-understood forces that bind nuclei and electrons into an atom, atoms into a molecule and molecules into everything from air and gas to flesh, bones, bricks, cement and lumps of cheese.

As a proper philosopher Immanuel Kant did not say, “Objects exist in reality but it takes human taste buds to distinguish cement from cheese,”*

Thus ends our exploration of the U.S. Psychic Warfare Department.

NOTE: I should point out because if I don’t some outraged mystic certainly will, that not all the experiments failed so magnificently. The U.S. and British armies have used psychics with varying degrees of success. We were informed by an unofficial source that the Americans were using psychis to spy on Saddam Hussein until a few weeks before outbeak of the Iraq war. The scryers were all sacked when they told the White House Saddam had NO weapons of mass destruction. Also Boggart Blog has no interest in fair and balanced reporting so this article is full of exaggerations, distortions and fabrications for comic effect.

Read about some of the experiments here.

*Immanuel Kant actually said “objects exist in reality but it takes a human mind to surround them with time and space.”

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