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Exclusive Interview with Susan Boyle's Cat Pebbles
KEYWORDS: television,talent,cat,susan boyle,humour,humor,satire,relationships


Following the sad news of Britain's Got Talent Star Susan Boyle suffering a nervous breakdown as a result of media pressure following her success we bring you an exclusive interview with Susan's cat Pebbles.

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Exclusive Interview With Pebbles The Cat
by fatsally
2009-06-05

A bit late perhaps, but Thursday is a really busy day at the best of times.

Anyway, yesterday we heard the news that Pebbles the cat had been admitted to the Priory.

This struck us as dreadful news as cats are generally thought to be such laid back creatures, so we sent our intrepid feline reporter, Hamish Ratcatcher, down to the London clinic to find out more.

Hamish: I'm standing outside the famous London clinic, The Priory, where earlier today Pebbles the cat arrived in a chauffeur driven limousine.

Pebbles was carried from the car to the clinic in a wicker travelling basket, covered in a blanket, but still the press photographers swarmed round eager for the merest glimpse of this latest celebrity breakdown.

As you can see the media are still here in their hoardes waiting for the next bulletin, but Boggartblog is hoping to actually gain access to Pebbles.

If you come along with me, we can nip round the back to the kitchens and just walk in....

O.K. nice and steady now, just sauntering along and acting as if I belong here, down to the end of the corridor, left, up the half flight of stairs and it should be the third door...

Scrape scrape scrape.... I'm just waiting to see if Pebbles will let me in...

Ah here we go...

Good afternoon Pebbles! I'm Hamish Ratcatcher, special reporter from Boggartblog. The public are very worried about you I wonder if you could give us some background on why you are here?

Pebbles: Och, it's a bit of a rest really y'know what ahm sayin'?

It was all getting a bit much up there, like, with the press and the well wishers.

Ah wouldnae mind but we dinnae have a well for them to wish in, so the garden was getting full of coins. It isnae easy to try and dig a hole through a layer of pennies and they tend to be a bit cold on the arse, y'know what ahm sayin?

An even though it's usually quite nice to have the place to yerself an' just a neighbour to come in and feed you a couple of times a day, this time it was different.

They were all coming in tae feed me! A chance for them to get their faces in the paper, or better still a few lines of a quote, y'know what ahm sayin'?

They kept turnin' up with Tesco's own brand cat food, ladling it out in the plate and expectin' me tae eat it. A cat can't be doin' with that, y'know what ahm sayin'?

Ah thought if ah ate all that food ah'd nivver get through the catflap, y'know what ahm sayin'?

And then there were all those reporters camped outside. They never go away. Every time you put your face up tae the catflap they're there with their microphones and cameras. It all gets a bit much.

They scared off all the birds and the mice too, too many humans do that, so there wasn't much point goin' out anyway, y'know what ahm sayin'?

And I suppose you could say I was missing Sue. Aye she's a bit of a pain, all that caterwauling she does, ah dinnae know how she thinks it sounds good, me mates and me have sat outside on the shed roof many a night tryin' to teach her how to do it right, but she just doesn't get any better, y'know what ahm sayin'?

Still have to admit the other humans seem to like it.

Anyway then that Simon Cowell bloke turns up and sez I can come down here for a wee while, shows me the menu, sez I can have me own room, staff to wait on me hand and paw y'know what ahm sayin'?

Ahm thinking Why not? A bit o' pampering an a wee swallae o double cream never did any cat any harm. And a few more resignations in Westminster the press'll be too busy to hang about here. May as well make the most of it while the goin's good, y'know what ahm sayin'?

Won't be long before it's back to a nice quiet life in Blackburn and obscurity! Fifteen minutes of fame, y'know what ahm sayin'?

Hamish: Thank you for that exclusive interview Pebbles.
Now back to the main studio.
Hamish Ratcatcher, inside the Priory, Boggartblog.

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