Boggart Blog always strives to bring our readers the really important news stories, especially those concerning anti social behaviour by animals. We have previously reported on stoned squirrels, wasted wallabies, sozzled shrews, pissed pipistrelles, a maunged moose, bladdered birds and even an inebriated iguana (well we wish we had reported the last one but it hasn’t come up yet.)
We have also run stories on cantankerous koalas, stroppy sheep, belligerent badgers and even anti social animals that do not alliterate, flatulent kangaroos, flying pigs and stone throwing chimps for example.
Thus we were unsure whether to title today’s main post Bladdered Badger or Rat Arsed Badger. This is one of the most serious stories of animal binge drinking and anti social animal behaviour it has been our duty to report and it shows that animal drunkenness is not a problem confined to Britain, a fact that will surely concern the G8 leaders as they meet in the holiday apartment usually occupied by the eighteen year old girlfriend of Don Vito Berlusconi to wrestle with the financial crisis, climate change and teenage porn stars.
The report filed by our Boggart in Berlin tells of a German motorist who considerately stopped to move what appeared to be a dead badger from the road. On approaching the animal he was surprised to see it stagger to its feet and say:
Where you been, I thought you gone home, wha’ great night last night eh, me and you, we shifted some stuff las’ night eh. Me and you, you’re my best mate you are, I love you.”
When the driver asked if the badger was able to walk because he’d like it to move aside and let him pass it became aggressive:
Whu the, you, me, you, gerrrcha, who do you think you are Aldolf, bossing me around, you, me, just because you’ve got a Merc, bossing me, you think you’re better’n’me coz I like a drink. Well I’ll tell you I’m as good as you see, you, me, you, bossed aound by the likes of you, me. I got rights me, it’s a free country.”
The badger then fell over and went to sleep again. Wishing to avoid further unpleasantness the motorist whose name was Hans Frie called the police on his mobile phone.
When a squad of armed officers and animal welfare specialists arrived they quickly ascertained that what Hans had thought was blood was in fact a pool of bright red vomit. The animal had been eating windfall cherries that had fermented on the ground.
As the squad considered what action to take the badger, awakened by the kerfuflle to find itself surrounded by armed officers, staggered towards them shouting: “You don’t scare me you effing Nazis, I’ll take you all on, I’m well hard, me.”
A quick thinking officer then averted what could have become a very ugly episode by hitting the badger with a brush and chasing it away.
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