Best Of Boggart Blog (8)
Goodbye To Tony (in the style of E.J. Thribb.
we'll say goodbye soon Blair,
when you're no longer there
will we care, Blair?
You lost your touch
you lost your hair.
Good old E.J. Thribb, I first met him when he was Peter Cook. This may seem a curmudgeonly little comment (call me a curmudgeon if you like, possums) but after all that praise for such a typically "Phoney Tony" valedictory speech I think we need to remind ourselves this is the man who shafted the NHS, School system, Pensions, Transport, Benefits System and getting on for quarter of a million Iraqis.
We should save the praise until he finds enough decency to fall on his sword - (literally I hope.)
Blair Last Audience
Emily and Tony, Blair's precious moments
If They Revised Their Lyrics
If some old rockers were to revise their lyrics to fit their current age and condition on the CDs they constantly reissue what might the titles of some classic tracks be? Here' a top 20 I found while creating some new links for myself.
1. Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
2. The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
4. Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
5. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now.
7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
8. The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
9. Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
10. Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
11. Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
12. The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
13. Abba -- Denture Queen.
14. Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
15. Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
16. Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again.
17. Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To
18. Jim Croce -- Time in a Pill Bottle
19. Rolling Stones -- I Still Can't Get No Satisfaction
20. Elvis Presley -- I Can't Help Falling in the Tub For You
21. The Crystals -- Doo-Doo ... Run Run
22. James Brown -- Papa's Got A Brand New Colostomy Bag
Acknowledgements to underthenews
George Bush and Tony Blair are reported to be angry that military intelligence reports have said the war in Iraq has increased the risk of terrorist attack in the west.
These deluded fools still think the majority of Iraqis would be out in the streets draping our soldiers in garlands of flowers but for that nasty Osama Bin Laden telling lies about the success of our campaign to liberate the Iraqi people from the tyranny of their 5000 year old civilisation.
Well here's another truth for our leading war criminals.
THE IRAQIS WILL NEVER WELCOME OUR SOLDIERS BECAUSE THEY FUCKING HATE US. THEY HATE US BECAUSE YOU STUPID BASTARDS BOMBED THEIR HOMES AND MURDERED THEIR FRIENDS AND FAMILIES.
What is difficult to understand about that.
Tony Blair's Journey
Blair The Sex Bomb
It was 10:30 am and Tony was at war
. by ianrthorpe
Mr Blair's message welcoming delegates to the Labour conference in Manchester this morning reminded them this is the first time the conference has not been held in a coastal town since the war.
He did not actually specify which war but I suppose we can eliminate those still going on.
Blair Faith Foundation
Holidays in the Nokhchiin Republic
Chechnya is trying to shed its image as a war zone by giving itself a more cheerful sounding name. Alu Alkhanov, the Russian republic's pro-Moscow president, believes the name "Chechnya" has negative connotations and wants it to be renamed "the Nokhchiin Republic".
Changing names fools nobody of course. Opal Fruits changed to Starburst but everybody knoes they are Opal Fruits. Jif kitchen cleaner changed to Cif, nobody was fooled and when we said "why are you selling good old Jif as new trendy Cif with a really annoying bloke on the adverts they tried to justify their failed con by saying "its so you will not put it in your drink thinking its lemon juice."
But this is the age of Kim and Aggie the celebrity cleaning ladies. Everyone knows lemon juice is really kitchen cleaner.
Sun, Sand and Sweaty Feet
Lib Dem MP Performs Blow Job On Live TV
If, while channel hopping sometime this weekend, you got lucky as you were passing Channel 5 (let's face it, nobody ever sits down to watch a channel 5 show from the start)you may have seen Liberal Democrat M.P. Lembit Opik performing a blow job live.
Plunging new depths in its everlasting search for the lowest common denominator, 5 has now cpome up with a "reality" format that features "celebrities" displaying previously unsuspected talents. This week it was the tuirn of the aforementioned Lembit to show off his inability as a blues singer / harmonica player.
His version of Hoochie Coochie man, previously performed by such greats as Sonny Boy Williamson, Howlin' Wolf, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Manfred Mann (featuring Paul Jones) Long John Baldry and The Animals was excruciating.
I guess that's why they call it the Blues.
The Birth Of The Ribble Delta Blues
Liberal Democrat Reality
Goodbye Blaack Jaack Baastard
During the dead hours while the pirate crew were sleeping off another night on the rum in Miss Purgatory's tavern in Scumport Harbour, the ruthless pirate captain Blaack Jaack Baastard learned that he had underestimated Jenny Greenteeth.
Blaack Jaack though she was just an ugly old woman when he made her walk the plank. Not realising she is an immortal water spirit he thought she was in Davy Jones's Locker.
Jenny promised Davy a blow job as thanks for him taking her in, but Davy is no fool. He took one look at those green teeth and threw her out again. And so, taking the form of a sea hag Jenny was able to board the ship and scare eight colours of crap out of the pirates. This is a testament to her supernatural powers because there are only seven colours of crap known to medical science.
And so with the crew released from the bilges Boggart Blog sets sail once more, with Blaack Jaack Baastard and his pirates stranded in Scumport.
But Pirate fans, we have not seen the last of Blaack Jaack. He and his men will return to the Cyberspace Main is a series of audio sketches very soon
How Do You Solve A Problem Like Lloyd Webber by ianrthorpe
So the public have chosen their Maria, with help from Little Lord Andy Lloyd Webber who chose the songs the finalists would sing and made sure his favourite got songs that suited her. My wife made me watch the final last night so I had to miss the parade of nutters and misfits on X Factor.
Good luck to the winner, the brilliant Connie Fisher and to the other finalists who will surely do well in the future.
Soon we will have The Sound Of Music back on the west end stage...
Dewdrops on noses
and blisters on kittens...
I have to admit, before Lloyd Webber got over his Bible fixation I didn't do Musicals at all. I had watched Oliver but only for Ron Moody's performance as Fagin and enjoyed Cabaret, not only for the scene where the people in the beer garden are singing a Nazi song and a dig gets up and walks out but for Joel Gray as EmmCee and just about everything in the KitKat club. But Broadway / Hollywood musicals - yeuch. Lumberjacks prancing about, Cowboys tap dancing? Get outta here. Jesus and his Amazing Technicolour Dancing Disciples, NO WAY!
Then old frog face came up with Evita, Cats, Aspects of Love and Phantom ( the less said about starlight express the better. These shoes told the stories through good songs and the stories held my attention. Who cares if he did rip off J.S. Bach?
Andy Lloyd Webber had me reviewing my situatioon on musicals. Maybe there was more to it than Fagin and German decadence.
And now he does this to me, the most schmaltzy musical ever and I find myself retreating to my original position
X Factor Of Dead Dreams
X Factor Bird Is A Winner
Camping It Up
In one of those moments that make you think, "well I'll be buggered" I learned this week that Camp Coffee has had a PR makeover so radical it has got the DODMRs (pronounced dodmers: Dear Old Daily Mail Readers ) blustering about Political Correctness gone mad.
It wasn't the PR makeover or the DODMR reaction but the fact that Camp Coffee and Chicory Essence to give it the full brand name is still on the market. People of a certain age will remember Camp of course. Pre Julian Clary everybody knew it was a bottle of something that looked like it should have been in a French Polisher's kit - the kind of French Polisher that restores antique furniture that is. Your the younger audience it is that stuff with a picture of a kilted Scottish Army Officer sitting on a box drinking a cup of coffee while a Sikh servant stands by holding a tray.
The new, diversity aware label now has the Sikh sitting drinking a cup of Camp too on the grounds that the old Indian servant image was insulting. I'm not sure, if I was a Sikh I would be insulted to think they are suggesting I would drink anything as shite as Camp.
But in for those who grew up in the 1950s, throughout our childhood years everybody's Granny had a bottle of Camp in the pantry. It was the same bottle throughout our childhood,; nobody ever drank the stuff.
Well nobody except me. When I was a little whippersnapper I loved Camp. You see I was a privileged deprived child. My Dad was a frightful snob about food and having served in North Africa and the Mediterranean in WW2 he had developed a taste for coffee the way the Italians, Greeks and Egyptians like it, so strong it would liven up a mummy. Obviously a child does not have either the sophistication nor the cast iron stomach for such a drink but Dad would no more have a tin of Necafe in the house than tolerate Spam or sliced bread. It was percolator or nothing in our house.
Visits to Grandma's were like a beacon, she would serve me a cup of Camp made with warm milk and lots of sugar. Heaven.
Camp was amazing stuff, it always had a ring of congealed brown goo around the top of the bottle. Five minutes after you opened it, before you had poured any out, it had brown goo around the top of the bottle. Like my Mum's gravy browning. You've guessed what's coming up haven't you?
During a prolonged period of Camp starvation I, being a very resourceful eight year old, decided I could make my own with gravy colouring and chocolate powder (I said I was resourceful not sensible.)
The result was my first experience of beverage induced projectile vomiting. But in a way I triumphed because Mum overruled Dad and bought me my own little tin of Nescafe
The Indian Mutiny
Does the wife get your goat?
A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal. The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders. They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi. "We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.
If this practice is introduced in Britain it could play havoc with the social structure in rural parts.
What Are You, Man Or Mouse?
Forward Psychic Soldiers
All Animal Related Posts
Now That's What I Call Tight Arsed
. by ianrthorpe
An Australian collector has recovered two paintings worth Ł600,000 which fell off his car roof rack after he forgot to tie them down. Gordon Syron bought the two contemporary works from a Sydney gallery and began driving home before he realised his mistake. One was picked up form the street and handed to police; the second was returned after the finder saw a news bulletin about the incident.
So you've got Ł600,000 to spend on paintings that will not fit in the boot, wouldn't you find a few quid to hire a Transit van for a day?
Celebrities Rally Behind Blair
A New Labour loyalist website, keepingthefaith.com is currently proclaiming the embattled Prime Minister is "the greatest Labour leader of our time" and crediting him with "changing Britain for the better."
Visitors to the site are invited to sign up to a petition to the Labour executive demanding that the PM be allowed to shuffle off this poliyical coil "with dignity and at a time of his own choosing." (Dignity and Tony Blair are not words we often stumble across in the same sentence.
Among the thousands of loyalists flocking to add their names to the database are:
Idi Amin, Attila the Hun, Sooty, Jack Straw, Clare Short, Osama Bin Laden, Gordon Brown, David Cameron, Maggie Thatcher, Ming the Merciless, Fred West, Jesus Christ, Milliband Rocks, Anyone Done Jesus Yet?, Hello Mum, Lorna will you marry me? and Yes darling, I will.
Strangely George W Bush does not seem to have proffered his support yet.
Blind Driver? You Couldn't Make It Up
by ianrthorpe @ 2006-09-11 17:05:02
News today of a blind Iraqi who lost his eyes in a bomb blast has been convicted of dangerous driving after making a half-mile journey through Oldbury in the West Midlands. Omed Aziz had followed instructions on steering and braking which were given by a friend in the passenger seat, Warley magistrate's
court was told. The 31-year-old from Wednesbury, West Midlands will be sentenced next Monday.
Sounds like yet another case of the authorities discriminating against the disabled.
When insults had class:
Not an original Boggart creation due to Little Nicky Machiavelli getting himself embroiled in a kerfuffle across the pond because of a provocative article about 9/11 (see it here). But I'm sure the insults listed below will make you all laugh. And there are a few absolute stonkers to file away for future use.
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices
-- Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries
with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a
reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste
no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of
any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't
-- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his
-- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new
play, bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...
if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having
-- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's
-- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness
-- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the
sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears,
but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any
address on it?"
-- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever
-- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...
for support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder
The Contraltos (a story of the New Labour Mafia)
"Da boss gotta go," declared big Gordini looking around the table, " I know'd him a long time mebbe, but he's lost his touch. He's making the family look like a bunch of schmucks."
"You mean you're goin' to ..." Al Carissimo let his words hang and meaningfully drew a finger across his throat.
"Its nothing personal, its just business," said Gordini. "Tony let what was left of da old industrial heartland go because his mind was on taking the 'burbs off the Conservatori family. Now the Conservatori's got a new head of da family, Cameroni, and they're making us look like monkeys. People don't trust us no more."
"And Ming the Merciless is taking the inner cities," added Al Carissimo.
"So Tony's gotta go. Do we all agree?"
Each man nodded in turn except for Big Prezza who carried on shovelling pasta into his mouth, cheeks wobbling and blubbery lips smacking in rhythm with his mastication.
"Prezza, shaddupayaface, dis is serious business."
"Ah'm lissenin' Gordini. This pasta's fookin' grand. You gonna off Tony then?"
"Hey mebbe dis ain't da right time to off Tony. Things is tough," said Al Carissimo.
"Things can only get tougher. Nobody trusts Tony no more, as long as he is head of the Contralto family, Cameroni is gonna have things his own way. We gotta hit him now." Gordini looked at the man on his right, Eduardo "the enforcer" Testicoli.
"Look I know Tony helped some of youse on da way up," said Ed, "but he's gotta go before things get outta hand. If we don't hit him soon what's to say Alphonse Gianfili or Davardi Millebenda ain't gonna make a move against him theirselves? If dat happens we gotta war on our hands."
"War, fook that," Big Prezza looked up from his pasta, "we can't afford another fookin' war."
Ed slapped the table angrily, "Lissen ya dumb fuck, Tony has taken out a lot of our best people; Giacomo Palea, Clara Cohorsi, sure we taken out some of his, Pietro Mandi is doin' time in Strasbourg and Charlie Scrivatore is propping up a bridge on a new toll road but we still gotta neutralise Milfevere and Byerzi. Until we take them out Tony is still dangerous."
"Fook all this conspiracy stuff, we've got to stick together. A bit of solieffindarity is all we need. An' fook youse guys, ah'm off " Big Prezza mopped up the last of his tomato sauce with a piece of bread and said while still chewing it, "'ooever comes out on top, I'll support 'im, but I'm 'avin nowt to do wi' offin' Tony."
"Sure Big Prezza, dats unnerstannable," said Gordini, "We know we can trust you, you get a good night's sleep now."
When Prezza had left Gordini said to Ed. Testicoli, "I don't trust da fat bastard. Take care of it dat he gets a good night's sleep."
Tony Contralto, head of what had for many years been the most powerful Mafia family in the city of Parlimentari, poured himself a drink. Things had gone badly for him since some stoolie had fingered his consigliore Pietro Mandi for fraud and tax evasion. There had been discontent in the family too when Tony linked the family's operations to those of the Casa Blanca clan across the water. And many thought the new non-Italian consigliore Al Campbell had his own agenda. For all that Tony was sure he could turn things around. Once the millions started to roll in from the Iraqi oil scam and the plan to neutralise the Taleban and regain control of the drug traffic paid dividends people would see he was still in control. With the help of his loyal capos Stefano Byerzi and Davardi Milfevere and information from Prezza, his spy in Gordini's camp, he could outmanoeuvre his rival and when the time came eliminate him. People would never trust Gordini and the crime business depended on trust.
Just as Tony decided he had little to worry about, the telephone rang.
"Tony, Tony, you gotta get out of there, I think Gordini is making his move," the familiar voice of Davardi Millibenda screamed, "I was having a drink with Stefano Byerzi when Tomaso Watsoni and three of Testicoli's foot soldiers arrived outside my house and they ain't paying no social ..." the unmistakable sound of gunfire cut off the voice.
As soon as Tony put down the receiver it rang again. A stranger's voice said "Giovanni Baldi got sompin he wants you to hear..." This was followed by the dry, desperate gurgling of a man being garotted.
Another call followed almost immediately to say that Alphonse Gianfili had been defenestrated.
"His wife is goin' to be angry as hell, she's a horny lady," Tony said before the speaker reminded him what defenestration meant.
It was a catastrophe, Gordini was not just taking out all Tony's loyal lieutenants but all the likely rivals to Gordini's succession. There was one hope left. Tony picked up the telephone and dialled Big Prezza's number. There was no reply.
Deluding himself as ever Tony danced around the room gleefully. Big Prezza was on the way to save him. When the door chimes sounded a few minutes later he gave a joyful whoop, "PREZZA!"
It was not the loyal Prezza standing outside but a delivery boy. "Package for Mr Contralto," the boy said, holding out a badly wrapped parcel.
"What da fuck..." exclaimed Tony as he ripped open the wrapping to reveal a damp sweatshirt monogrammed with the letters JP. The sweatshirt was wrapped around something firmer. Tony lifted back the cloth and uncovered a big dead fish. The message was clear, Big Prezza would sleep with the fishes.
Tipping the boy, Tony went inside to the bureau and taking out a gun put the barrel to his head.
Emily and Tony
Blair's Last Audience
Blair Sex Bomb
A Jihadist Joke by ianrthorpe
You may have thought that jihadists are a pretty humourless lot but Boggart Blog can bring you the comforting news that the bearded boys do have a sense of fun. To prove it here is a jihadist joke:
An Arab maths teacher was detained at London Heathrow airport today when he was found to be in possession of a slide rule, a set of logarithmic tables, a protractor and set square and a calculator. A spokesman for airport security said the man is suspected on being involved in terrorist group Al Gebra.
Beards of Terror
Government by Fear and Panic
In Praise of Pissed Politicians.
Last weekend brought the news that Charles (Chucky-bum) Kennedy is ready to stand again. If it has taken nearly a year for him to get off his arse just how pissed was he I wonder?
But should we care? Are pissed politicians really as dangerous as the tablod tendency would have us believe. And are the activities of Members members so great a risk to state security that the merest whiff of sexual scandal can destroy a career? On the scale of moral turpitude does being an inveterate imbiber or a serial shagger count as less or more risky than being a pathological liar, a habitual hypocrite or a compulsive crook? Who would you rather have in charge, the prodigious piss - artist Winston Churchill or teetotal genocidal maniac George W Bush? Remember in the last century it was the morrally upright, politically uptight pair Asquith and Chamberlain who led us into the world wars while the permanently paralytic Churchill and "shagger" Lloyd George who led us to victory.
Politicians are known for being dishonest and duplicitous but in vino veritas and in orgasmis incoherence so our leaders are less dangerous when rat - arsed or on the job.
Lets have more immoral politicians Boggart Blog says.
Inspirational Old Queen
You Live, You Die, And In Between...
Pissed Pensioners of Harrogate
Great Days For British Television by ianrthorpe
It seems British chav culture is set to conquer the world thanks to the sheer genius of our TV executives. Not only have the sold Footballers Wives to America but there is talk of exporting Bad Girls too. Bad Girls has been past its sell by since - well, the second episode of series one I guess. Only the increasigly ludicrous plot lines and the gorgeous Danielle Brent made it worth watching (series one at least had a hint of reality, none of the women prisoners had lip gloss) but now Ms Brent has finally been dropped down a manhole in the kitchen having spent three weeks as a beatuifully decomposing and totally non - smelly corpse, there is nothing left. Even Stephanie Beecham (also never seen sans lippy) and Amanda Barrie's comedy double act has worn thin.
Flogging the moribund Bad Girls format to the unsuspecting USA will be almost as big a coup as last years triumph when they successfully exported Vernon Effing Kaye who is now a major start as a gameshow presenter stateside.
"Ee bag gum, ayup y'all. Ah', fras Bowton tha knozz."
You couldn't make it up, as his much funnier cousin Peter is fond of saying about things he has obviously just made up.
I suppose its too much to hope that celebrity Big Brother and other vehicles for past their sell by showbiz types will go too.
Condi In The Land Of Pie Eaters
Are You Being Consulted?
It was no surprise to learn the government spends Ł2billion a year on "consultants." An outraged Westminster correspondent in The Guardian revealed this shocking news this week, adding that the Revenue & Customs dept. is happy to pay Ł750 a day to IT consultants to design computer systems alongside civil servants who are paid Ł120 a day.
I have had experience of working as a consultant on government Information Technology schemes. Forget how much the civil servants are getting paid, I can tell you that their function is not to design and implement computer systems that make government business run more smoothly but to prevent that happening. So you end up with a situation where the consultants are trying to tell the civil servants nothing.
Civil S.: Mr Consultant, can you tell me how many PCs the department will need?
Consultant: Yes, that will be Ł750 please.
Why is it the Civil Service do not get on with computers or any kind of technology?
Well grades in the civil service are still decided on how many people an officer supervises. So it is in nobody's interests for some clever little shit like me to come along and magic away 75% of the staff simply by installing a computer system that works. What the civil service wants is computer systems that fail but generate billions of pieces of paper in the process.
The out come of it all is they can hire thousands of buggingses to sit all day hitting said pieces of paper with rubber stamps. Then all the senior grade civil servants get promotion, the consultancies have to supply more consultants to not design more systems to not cope with the increased workload, the government can demonstrate growth in the economy, a big fall in the jobless, companies selling office furniture, office supplies, cheap suits (ooh, suits you) and mugs that say "you don't have to be mad to work here but it helps," all do well and there is a knock on effect though the whole economy. And everybody is happy, except for the poor sods who have to pay for it all, and that's - erm.................US!
It all works on the same principle as Pyramid selling you see. Does anyone else get the feeling the pyramid is about to collapse.
Authoritarian Box Ticking
The Civil Servant's Ten Minute Dump
Anthony's Friends Are No Mugs by ianrthorpe
What are we to make of a man who uses a photo - opportunity to be pictured holding a twee little mug printed with a cutesy - pie rhyme saying what an all round good guy the owner of said mug is.
Its not so long ago when Mr. Anthony Blair with pissopts full of titles, honours and Private Finance Initiative contracts, no to mention ministerial positions and seats on the boards of Quangos had real, living breathing people queueing up to extol his virtues and bung a wedge in his back pocket.
How quickly a war too many can change things. Now former loyal loo-tenants from the shithouse tendency of the Labour party are anxious to distance themselves from Tony No - Mates as Jack Straw, Charles Clarke and others betrayed in the constant quest to suck up to the White House sharpen their knives for the "Infamy, infamy, (they've all got it in fa' me) moment.
Howe long can the PM and his mug job hold on. Well we boggart bloggers make it a rule only ever to bet on four legged creatures, but if you are reckless enough to wager on the two faced variety we hear a whisper that October 8th is a fair bet
Dead Drunk by ianrthorpe
At last year's halloween party in my local a zombie walked up to the bar and said, "I'd like a stiff drink please."
A Tax On Living
It seems Bastardman (hey, call me Tony) has decided to turn his attention from the middle east to climate change. As with the expensive, illegal and ultimately pointless war, us poor taxpayers will pay for this latest wild adventure in making policy announcements before you have thought things through.
We will be taxed every time we use our cars, when we fly off on holiday and when we use public transport.
So let's all get the Doctor to sign us off as chronically depressed and we can live on benefits and claim a social services home assistant to do the shopping for us. That should do wonders for Bastardman's precious economy while he does to the environment what he has done to the middle east.
I wonder if Cherie wishes he would stay home and do it to her
A motor rickshaw with livery in Burberry check has been forced off the road after the clothing giant threatened legal action for infringement of
The "Chavrolet" was one of 12 distinctive tuk-tuks introduced by a private company in Brighton and Hove as an alternative form of transport. Burberry's website says: "Anyone who uses our Burberry check without permission will hear from our lawyers."
Shite And The City
Shooting yourself in the foot - Swedish style.
Sweden lost its second minister in three days when the woman in charge of public broadcasting quit, admitting she failed to pay the mandatory TV licence fee for 16 years.
by ianrthorpe @ 2006-10-19 17:01:14
The new series of Brat Camp to reach our television screens has changed the format a little. Now instead of out of control middle - class adolescents being shipped off to America to be yelled at and bullied by morons with square heads, the whole family goes to camp to undergo a bonding program.
This has seriously confused the teenagers who are being reformed. It takes them well over half the program to realise they are not going to be rescued by a family of chavs who will whisk them off to Benidorm for a week of junk food, loud music and binge drinking.
You must have heard the story that Michael Jackson is turning into a woman.
Can't these evil rumourmongers with their slurs and unsubstantiated allegations leave poor Michael alone. It just makes me angry ;-)
They will be insinuating he's black next.
Michael Jacson's Death Faked
Obama And Jackson The Same Person?
The Parachuting Elivis Impersonator
As we survey life's rich tapestry we come across many things that catch our interest and this week our thoughts must be with the parachuting Elvis impersonator who is recovering in hospital after his 'chute opened late during a charity jump.
The outcome could have been a lot worse.
It seems the man was saved from a serious head injury only because he landed on his rubber Elvis wig.
Asked how he was progressing a hispital spokesman said (allegedly) "well, apart from the fact that he is still a parachuting Elivis impersonator, he's making good progress.
The Genghis Kak Problem.
The headline that prompted yesterday's post was bizarre. The one that prompts today's little effor in just mystifying.
A story in the Chicago Sunday Times was headed "keep Genghis Kahn off toilet paper"...
Now what the chuff is that about ...
Lightning Exits Woman's Bottom
It must be the greatest newspaper headline of all time and so long as there are such stories the traditional media has nothing to fear from us miserable rabble of bloggers.
But can this story from The Australian possibly be true?
Well yes, it is actual actuality actually.
Mrs Natasha Tomarovic told The Australian's reporter, "I was brushing my teeth and had just put my mouth under the tap to rinse when the bolt must have struck the building. I don't remember much else.
After treating Mrs. Tomarovic for burns to the mouth and anus a doctor said, "its a bizarre occurrence but not impossible: she was wearing rubber bath shoes at the time so instead of earthing through her feet the electricity shot out of her backside."
Its not quite the same as the sun shining out of someone's arse but is probably as near as anyone will get in this realm of reality
Male Birth Control Methods
Interesting article on a new chemical male birth control method over at Pandangon, a site written by a team of female bloggers.
British women have had a method of male birth control for years of course - big knickers.
I suppose vasectomy is OK for guys like me who want to stop at two, but there are still men out there who love to run around fathering children they've no intention of ever being Dads to.
Problem is, the ones who should not be allowed to breed will never accept birth control.
The Greenness of Livingstone's Lav.
The news that it is over a year and a half since London's Mayor "Red" Ken Livingstone last flushed his toilet after having a wee made the Boggart Blog team suspect we smelled a conspiracy.
Where p[oliticians are concerned nothing can ever be taken at face value so what could lie behind the Mayor's attempts to turn himself from Red to Green (or to be more accurate, yellow?)
Could it be he reckons on attracting the senior citizen vote by making his home smell of piss?
The Clue Is In The Name
According to the current issue of Biological Chemistry, research by Dr. Barbara Ehrlich of Yale University shows that too much testosterone kills brain cells.
Another academic giving us food for thought at the moment is Dr. Michael Jacobsen of the Pritikin Institute for Longevity, Miami (F.L.A. as the song goes) who is reported by the South Florida Sun Sentinel as having analysed a Hardee's Thickburger and found this menu item contains 1,420 calories and 107 grammes of artery blocking saturated fat, twice the safe daily intake for an adult. High levels of saturated fat are associated with artereo - sclerosis which of course impedes the distribution of oxygen to the brain leading to a loss of cognitive skills and deterioration of attention span, memory and I.Q.
We can only speculate about the kind of person who would choose such a meal but there's a clue in its name. THICKburger. Some testosterone charged, pickup truck drivin' loser who having lost half his brain cells is in a hurry to kill off the other half so he can vote Republican in the upcoming U.S. elections maybe.
Five A Day
The Benefits of Private Education? by ianrthorpe @ 2006-10-06 18:40:31
Does private education give your kids a better start in life?
Paris effing Hilton
Celebrity Posts Menu
Wunderkind and Baldieman
It isn't that long ago when the Tories unveiled their new blockbuster, Wunderkind starring William Hague.
Five minutes and a million Tory leaders later and we are being asked to put our trust in the new Tory blockbuster Wunderkind II starring Dave the rave Cameron.
Does Wonderkind II have anything new to recommend it or is it just a rehash of all the tired old cliches? Well let me tell you, I have been watching Cameron Minor this week and the thing that strikes me is that it must be taking him longer to wash his face each day.
So by election time we will have forgotten Wunderkind and will be watching Baldieman III.
Wankers of the Week by ianrthorpe
The Boggart Blog award for Wankers of the Week goes to the Dallas Police Department.
When the Department revealed their new high-tech anti-crime car, equipped with cameras, satellite communications equipment, computers, tracking capabilities and a remote engine-kill device it was hailed as a key weapon in the war on crime, war on drugs, war on everything.
Within a week it had been stolen
Over the weekend one of the redtops carried a banner headline "I've had 250 Men" for a story about a contestant in a reality show (which I haven't seen)who claims to have run up this score by the tender age of 21.
Naturally there is a lot of "what's the world coming to" bluster but why. If a man said that we would all go "wha - ha - hey, what a bloke eh?"
Also we have to remember the trend among young people to include in the score anyone with whom they have had a sexual experience. This starts at kissing with tongues.
There has been outrage too at a blog called "Girl With A One Track Mind" written by "Abby Lee" who blogs her almost daily sexual adeventures with new lovers. Surprise, surprise, the alleged Miss Lee has a book out chronicling her alleged sexual experiences.
My own view is if people want to have a lot of sex and then talk or write about it, fair play to them. But let's not be taken in, after all we all say we've done it more than we actually have (and that includes women these days it seems.)
Sleeping With Conservatives
Let Her Breasts Satisfy Thee At All Times
Sex On The Beach
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