Boggart Blog Central

Tokyo's education authorities have ordered head teachers to make sure students stand to attention and sing the national anthem. Since 1999 it has been compulsory to stand for the anthem. Tokyo alone has handed out warnings, suspensions, pay cuts and sackings to more than 300 education staff for anthem-related offences since 2003.

I wonder why the Americans have not caught onto that one. Anthem related offences seems to me to be a great reason to put people on a chain gang like in Cool Hand Luke. Perhaps they could have flag related offences too.

Thankfully we are more civilised about our anthem, flag and stuff in Europe. I hate to think how many anthem related crimes I have committed over the years.

"She is notorious, useless and spurious,
still she reigns over us...etc."

Read also:
The Queen's Birthday
Queen Vic's Knicks

After reflecting on Blair's comments about summary justice and that populist nonesense about skewing the criminal justice system towards the victim we bloggers of the bog think it is time for action.

Never mind photo op generating, headline grabbing platitudes; what about skewing the criminal justice system towards catching people who have done very bad things and making sure they don't go out and do it again.

After all, we know that talk of summary justice simply means people will be convicted because a bureaucrat thinks "I Don't Like The Look Of You matey - boy, you're going down.

Such simplification of criminal law would of course leave the police more free time to get on with really important stuff like sending out speeding summonses, writing parking tickets and banging up old ladies for not paying council tax.

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The CAb Driver Of Baghdad
Sports car spirituality?
2006-06-26

The Church of Scientology is trying to reach out to more Americans by embracing US motor sport. Scientologists will sponsor a Nascar racing team, called the Dianetics Racing Team. Nascar is the most popular spectator sport in the US, with 75 million fans.

Other Nascar teams are complaining that the Scientologists cars will have an unfair advantage as the Team Dianetics with be using revolutionary Orbitally Modified Monoatomic Element fuelled engines provided by the Thetans.

The whole plan could backfire though. Bearing in mind what we know of the mentality of motor sport fans Boggart Blog believes the positive thinking cult will probably drive people away from Nascar now that Nicole Kidman has announced her return to Roman Catholicism.

In A Berlin Brothel
2006-06-22

Sex workers in Berlin are doing double shifts to keep up with demand during the World Cup, the German tabloid Bild has discovered. A girl called "Joy" was quoted as saying she was sometimes putting in a 16 hour day.

"We are earning as much in one day as we normally would in a week. But after the World CUp I'll need a holiday," she added.

And something for chapped "lips", our CEO and mascot Jenny Greenteeth suggests.

Read also:
Love For Sale (with loyalty points)
Compulsory Sex Education
Little Blog About Football
2006-06-20

My readers know I don't take much interest in football but there is little else to write about at the moment. So because I don't like my country to suffer embarrassment at the hands of Johnny Foreigner I just want to say I am glad Owen Hargreaves will be in the team today. I heard the pundits saying that against Sweden, England would need a true anchor and my mate Graham, who is a football expert, told me Hargreaves is a true anchor. At least... that's what I thought he said.

TOMORROW MORNING will see the sun rise on Summer Solstice. Pagans can check out a new solstice poem by clicking the link The Making And Unmaking Dance

Heather McCartney Vegan - She’s pulling your leg.
2006-06-12

For a long time criticism of the McCartneys was a media taboo, Paul is such an all round good guy and ayway we are running out of Beatles much too quickly. And to attack Heather, suggesting she might be a publicity hungry gold - digger was to attack Paul. Since the marriage break - up however, the tabloids have...
read full post Heather Mills McCartney vegan?

The Little Vegetarian Shoemaker Of Barking
Aren't footy fans cruel?
2006-06-13

They call him Wayne and he's got no neck
Rooney, Rooney
His foot's a wreck and he looks like Shrek
Rooney is his name...

Just how cruel can football fans be - and don't we love it.

Reality? They're Conning Us.
2006-06-01

It’s the season for really crap reality TV shows again. You know, some saddo little commissioning editor who spends most of his year thinking outside the box because he doesn’t want his career to die in the ditch suddenly decides “oh, everyone is on holiday, I can fill the schedule with any old crap” and totally fails to see any irony in that thought as he relishes the success of “I’m A Celebrity, Give Me Some Money,” or “Celebrities Pretend To Be Other Celebrities Who Can Sing.”

And so it came to pass that while Boggart Blog was exploring the abyssal plain of Television a few days ago we came upon a show featuring “real” people who were so obviously hired from an extras agency it was painful.

The show was about two young women, neither of whom could afford to pay off a £250,000 mortgage. So the show brought together these two total and irreconcilably different individuals and tried to arrange for them to buy a house together. Sounds reasonable? Wait for it… The two women were called Pi and Ella.

GEDDIT - Piella. Say it aloud, Paella. I suppose blokes who commission reality TV shows for lesser known digital channels think that it subtle.

Next week I hope, a bloke from Watford called Les and his Swedish girlfriend Agne will be looking for an apartment in a pastaral setting.

Read also:
Britain's Biggest Gobshite
The Apprentice Prime Minister

Pissed off.
2006-05-17

At Boggart Blog we are naturally always very interested in water because boggarts are dependent on H2O for their existence. So whenever we hear about water shortages we pay special attention. The strange thing is, we can’t see any shortage. So it must be a scam.

The Boggart supreme council have discussed this and we reckon “they” have a plan to make nasty greeny - brown stuff come out of taps so we will all be forced to rush out and buy bottled water when we are already paying for our tap water. Now there is nothing wrong with tap water (except around London.) Tap water is pure and clean and very good for you (except around London) so why do we want to rush out and buy natural spring water from the volcanic hills of Ruritania which is more like London tap water than London tap water is like tap water from anywhere else.

The problem with Ruritanian natural spring water from the volcanic hills is that ten million volcanic sheep have pissed in it. OK, so it has been dribbling down through volcanic rock (which is full of sulphur and shit) for a thousand years but is thousand year old sheep piss any better than fresh sheep piss.

London water is all recycled of course, so ten million people have pissed in it quite recently. Including Pete Doherty. But back to the scam. If there is a so much good water coming out of the taps why are the water companies trying to panic us into buying bottled water.

Well it may just be a coincidence but most of our public utility companies that supply water to our taps are owned by French companies. The same French companies as supply expensive diluted bottle sheep piss to supermarkets.

You will be happy to know Boggart Blog has assigned its entire team of Boggart undercover underwater investigative reporters to monitor water scams throughout the summer.

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The New Olympians
Evil Green Bastards

Got any spare change?
2006-05-12

We have all heard those words from various unsavoury characters with leprous dogs many times.

But we should no longer dismiss the "spare change" brigade as a bunch of idle, workshy, soapshy scumbags who are just trying to scrounge a free ride through life because the chances are they will be international commodities traders trying to make a killing in copper.

Yes, "spare change" is now worth more for scap than it is in the shops.

Which is perthaps something we should all remember next time the government are trumpeting their "brilliant" management of the economy.

Read also:

Interesting Times Magic Money

They're weird in America.
2006-05-07

Do you remember that kerfuffle a few years ago when Kentucky Fried Chicken had to change their name to KFC because rumour had it that black people ate a lot of fried chicken and so "fried chicken" could be seen as a racially demeaning term?

Actually I know Black people who eat fillet steak, Kellogs Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes and Lentil Soup. Are these racially offensive terms? Racism is racism: Fried Chicken is Fried Chicken and being inescapably lardy you would think it was more offensive to obese people. But what do the chubbies say? "Feck Political Correctness, gimme more fried chicken," that's what.

I once knew a Jamaican woman who liked Mars Bars. Well you don't want to go down that road with me so lets just say Mars Bars still make me think of Marianne Faithfull rather than Black Women being summoned to the plantation house to service massa.

Where is all this going?

Well a maths teacher has apologised for an exam question using Condoleezza Rice's name that was deemed racially insensitive. Peter Ratener, 60, of Bellevue Community College, set the question describing Ms Rice releasing a watermelon and asked when it would hit the ground. It was condemned because of caricatures of black people eating watermelon during the days of slavery.

Seems to me Black People were getting a positive portrayal there. Instead of the diet of deep fried lard and grits that poor whites in America's deep south subsisted on they were eating food rich in vitamins, Omega3 fatty acids and soluble fibre.

Unfortunately Ms. Rice has not yet commented on the incident. She has a mouthful of fried chicken.

On Site Report from Jenny Greenteeth
2006-05-05

Jenny is lurking in the River Thames, just below the terrace of the House of Commons, from which the inner children of two leading politicians, Beefy Prescott and Tony “Capitanomundo” Blair are...
read all The Bash Street Politicians

Crime and Punishment; sorted!
2006-05-04

Have you heard about the new criminal justice bill. It seems that carrying home a kitchen knife you just bought in Tesco will become an arrestable offence. "Ha!" you think, "no jury would convict."

Forget the jury, mateyboys and girls. Juries are unreliable and think for themselves, they question police evidence and mistrust lawyers. So they have to be removed from the criminal justice system. How can the courts hit their targets when misanthropic jurors are conspiring against the authorities. Justice is out, management is in.

Its all part of Labour's plan to shift from democracy to suitocracy. All the new acts are part of the gatsojustice project. You do away with trial by jury and then, in the same way the authorities assume we have all broken the speed limit sometime and so sens each of us a ticket now and again even if we don't own a car, they will assume we have all committed a crime sometime and will issue a notice saying "you have been found guilty of being guilty, please pay us 90% of your life savings and then stick your head in a bucket of shit."

The aim is to release police officers from policing, lawyers from lawyering and judges from judging so they have more time to spend on achieving their targets.

That's the crime crisis sorted.

Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime, that's Boggart Blog

Suits You Nurse by ianrthorpe @ 2006-05-02 – 18:02:04 The latest National Health Service crisis exposes the “New Labour” project as a sham and a scam. Tony’s cronies surfed to power on a tidal bore of presentation but never really had any policies. All they had was spin and suits. Like the two sleazy salesmen from The Fast Show they managed to divert...
read all Suit You Nurse

Floggin' a dead horse Italian style
2006-04-30

It seems the saga of the Itialian election will soon be over. Snr. Berlusconi will resign on Tuesday, allowing the winner of the recent election Romano Prodi to assume the Presidency.

All may not be as it seems however, Snr. Berlusconi, convicted criminal and all - round shyster has sworn he is not finished yet and will be back sooner than anybody imagines.

I am sure Boggart Blog readers will join me in saying a prayer to equine goddess Epona for the wellbeing of any horses Mr. Prodi happens to own.

And talking of Ancient pagan goddessses, why not check out my latest post at Authors Den, Fires of Love, which celebrates Beltain (May 1st)

Trouserless in Whitehall
2006-04-29

My first visit to London is a barely remembered experience. I was only seven or eight years old. One thing that has stayed in my mind though was going to the grown - up theatre with my parents.

The name of the production is long gone from memory, if it was ever there, but the venue was The Whitehall Theatre and we saw a farce starring an actor named Brian Rix. What I remember was that Mr. Rix kept losing his trousers. Being young I found this hilarious, with hindsight it amazes me that the rest of the audience did too.

Ah well, life was simple in 1956.

There must be something in the air around the Whitehall area of London that has a catastrophic effect on trousers. Time has shown me that not only Brian Rix but almost everybody who works around there has trouble keeping a pair on for more than a few minutes.

Few actors work in Whitehall of course so the usual victims of troublesome trouser syndrome are politicians and in Brian Rix’s day it was always conservative politicians. Recently however the problem has spread across the political spectrum to encompass some of the most unlikely adulterers imaginable.

This weeks star turn, John “two shags” Prescott joins Dave “can’t see what all the fuss is about” Blunkett, Lib. Dem. Mark “I’m free but he charges £80” Oaten, Paddy Pantsdown, John “any more peas” Major, Dave “number five on my Chelsea shirt does not mean I’m a central defender” Mellor and a welsh member who extended his extra - mural trouser dropping activities as far as Clapham Common.

Brian Rix built a career on dropping his trousers, following his well trodden path has cost many others their careers. But with politicians involved in such clownish behaviour its no surprise that the Whitehall Theatre does not bother putting on farces now.

"Kisses for peace" initiative falls on stony ground
2006-04-28

The actress Sharon Stone said she "would kiss just about anybody" to end the Arab-Israeli conflict. Stone was in Israel recently for a five day trip sponsored by the Peres Centre for Peace, founded by the Nobel peace laureate Shimon Peres in 1996 to improve relations with Arabs. Stone was joined by Mr Peres at a news conference. Having promised to kiss "just about anybody for peace in the Middle East", however, she declined to give Mr Peres, 82, a peck on the cheek.

A Boggart Blog insider reported that Ms Stone added, "Him? I'd rather kiss a camel's arse," before realising that in Israel you are never far from a camel.

How spooky is that?
2006-04-27

I don't know if its the supernatural influence of Jenny Greenteeth but strange things happen here at Boggart Blog.

Last week in a post titles Last of the Summer Whine the blog speculated that if the cast of Last of the Summer Wine got any older we could expect to see Mick Jagger and Keith Richard popping up in cameo roles.

Today I read this story in The Guardian.

"It sounds like something Keith Richards might have dreamed up while under the influence of a controlled substance. But this is no hallucination: Mick Jagger, lead singer of the Rolling Stones, really is expected to star in a new sitcom starting on US television in the autumn.

Sitcoms tend to work best when the premise is a familiar one to which all viewers can relate - Friends, after all, was about a group of friends who just hung out together. It is not clear where this leaves ABC's latest planned offering, a 24-part series about a group of hard-up New Yorkers who decide to rob Mick Jagger.

Not much of the budget appears to have been dedicated to finding a name for the show, either. It is provisionally entitled Let's Rob Mick Jagger. A pilot episode is in production, and a final decision from ABC executives is now awaited."

Is that spooky or what?

Infertile ground for speculation
2006-04-25

Our newsdesk were intrigued to by a breaking story last week when it was announced that sperm supplies are drying up. This was announced in a press release from the government’s fertility clinic regulator, (which ought to be called Ofwank but isn’t.)

The regulator revealed that due to a shortage of donors, clinics are having to turn away patients.

There has to be a suspicion of course that the story is nothing but a cynical electoral ploy by the increasingly desperate New Labour Lie Machine to divert attention from the NHS crisis, job losses, the economy, education, law and order, binge drinking, the war and the return to prominence of Accrington Stanley because the last time the team were briefly famous it heralded the advent of the sixties social revolution.

The plan was that at his monthly press conference, Blair could announce that the success of New Labour policies was responsible for the fact there are now officially less wankers in the country than under the Tories.

As with all New Labour scams though, its is the poor who bear the loss of income. Most frequent donors for the spondooliks for sperm scheme were students. We always knew what they were didn’t we guys? Due to a change in the law however their right to anonymity has been removed.

Just imagine how embarrassed Mr Cool Dude would be if in twenty years time corporate man is surprised by a ring on the doorbell of his suburban home where he lives with his corporate wife and two point three children and then is greeted by some little jerk - off saying “Hi Dad.”