When politicians talk of the "War on Terror" I wonder do they ever think of the commercial terrorism inflicted on our world at this time of year. Think about the endless media message that we must be happy, this is the happiest time of the year so if you aren't having a great time you are some sort of failure. That would be sinister enough of course as people have different and very individual ways of coping with life, but it is underlined by an unspoken subtext blasted at us through the medium of advertising. "The way to be happy is through buying things." Can buying stuff make us happy or is the idea that buying expensive gifts for friends and family will prompt them to buy us expensive gifts in return, thus proving that they love us? Either way it is a rather bleak view of the human state.

Christmas is a strange festival, on the surface a celebration of the birth of Jesus (who, we know for certain, was not actually born at Christmas, but only just beneath that Christian overlay truly the pagan celebration of the Winter Solstice which is much more in line with the modern partying, boozing and unconstrained shagging (if you're lucky) than the rather solemn commemoration of the birth of a Messiah destined to die for the sins of humanity could be. Strangely though, the two extremes, people like myself who try to live in harmony with the natural world (that is all Pagan means; nothing to do with Black Magic, nor with having orgies around big fires at midnight - bummer!) and those with a very profound Christian faith will be getting far less worked up about Christmas than the majority of sensible, level headed people.

I think the point at which these two extremes meet is an understanding that Christmas/Solsticetime should not be about money. So you bought the kids a new computer each, maybe it will help their future job prospects but might it not also raise expectations for next year? And as for the kids, is their pester power not fuelled by a constant stream of advertising.

The question we ought to be asking ourselves though has nothing to do with expensive consumer goods. We all live at a crazy pace now, we work to many hours, we spend too long travelling to and from work, during the precious leisure hours many of us are concerned with networking or are frenetically engaging in some self improvement project. We have no time for ourselves, never mind anybody else. So as you are making your gift list think what the most precious thing you can give in the modern world actually is.

Your time.

The symbolism of both Christmas and the Solstice is new beginnings. The Messiah who will lead his followers to a new and better life is born on Christmas Day. The sun passes its nadir and the cycle of life is renewed. Not so different when you rhink about it, note that phrase "Jesus is born," which I have taken from old Latin scriptures. Not Jesus was born, but present tense, IS. Every year hope is reborn just as it is in the pagan tradition when the days start to become a little longer each year, when the growing cycle of crops and the breeding cycle of the livestock starts again.

These beliefs come from a time when life was harsh, there was no air conditioning, no SUVs, no global trade to bring exotic foods by 747 and truck to local supermarkets and then our tables. Feasting was the way to celebrate at this time of year because food was the most precious gift that could be given, food was life. Now many of us find our health failing due to too much food. In the world of 2000, 3000, 5000 years ago people had to depend on each other to survive. Now it is possible to survive alone and in isolation. Many people do so, particularly in the industrialised world where the many pressure combine to separate us from our roots. Surviving however is not living, nobody should lose sight of how much we actually depend on each other still. Think about someone who has been alone for a long time, have you noticed how such people build their lives around little private routines and rituals? Such people develop eccentricities as a defence against loneliness. Do you also ever notice how many people seem to be obsessive these days. Even in a city, even within a long term relationship people can become lonely and find themselves seeking refuge in personal fetishes, be it an unhealthy interest in a particular celebrity or a fascination for playing poker on the internet. One of the most dangerous obsessions is an obsession with sex and yet progressively sex is being turned into a cash commodity. There is an industry dedicated to selling us sex as a purely mechanical way of gaining a brief pleasurable sensation through an act devoid of all emotional content.

Among this craziness it is no wonder almost all of us get caught up in this obsessive consumerism to the extent that everything human about the Christmas/Solstice season is lost. What was the great celebration has become a time of stress as we try to keep everybody happy, maintain our social profile, find time to fulfil all our obligations and worry about the New Year credit card bill.

This year why not be adventurous. Break out of the loop and instead of buying false happiness with costly, expensively wrapped gifts give your friends and family something much more precious - as much of your time as you possibly can. They will treasure it and the giving will add an extra dimension to your life as you find yourself remembering who you are.

Join the Christmas resistance, start thinking for yourself again. The fad is catching on, in the UK retailers are complaing that sales are down five per cent and are predicting financial catastrophe. The directors of megas - corporations had better get used to the idea of smaller salaries because as people discover the sheer relief of joining resisting Christmas terrorism the idea could catch on.

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

New England Rednecks Attack Dover
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-11-24

I was surprised to read in my paper this morning that Dover is being attacked by rednecks. The mothers of Dover (Mass.)are having to carry baseball bats, hockey sticks and tennis raquets to fend of attacks on children in baby buggies by wild male rednecked turkeys that have invaded the town.

Nice to know that Dubya and his friends have managed to get away from the white house for the weekend.

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

No-thanks giving
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-11-27

Friends in America have just finished digesting Thursday's Thanksgiving dinner. We don't do thanksgiving here of course, although it has been suggested to me recently that we should, as any reason to give thanks to God should be welcomed.

As you may guess, a suggestion like that to a pagan went down like a lead balloon.

But as a pagan I welcome any opportunity to have a party so I think we should declare the day The Mayflower set sail a public holiday and celebrate the fact that we had said No Thaks to crackpot religions by exporting our religious nuts to America. The story that they left because the evil pagan brits persecuted them is a total lie. They left because King James the First refused to abidcate and declare that in perpetuity God would be head-of-state in Britain.

Another batch departed because after King Charles 1 had been deposed Oliver Cromwell, a sensible puritan. Rumour has it that the puritans were all dour and joyless miserymongers, not true - that was the Calvinists.

The real Puritans were quite jolly by comparison. Some of them even tolerated dancing. So anyway Cromwell pointed out that God wasn't much interested in taxation and getting the night soil shifted or handing out the poor relief so someone had to take responsibility for it, after all in those days the peasants were revolting (and even the Lords and Ladies whilst not actually revolting had no objection to the chamber pots being emptied into the street.)

Cromwell said to the Calvinists "listen lads, Britain has resisted attempts by the Catholic Church to declare the Pope supreme lord since 370 AD we're not going to accomodate a bunch of crackpot protestants now."

Not long after that Cromwell fell when people could no longer take him seriously because of the ridiculous wart on his nose. He was succeeded by King Charles 2. "You must abdicate and let the nation be guided by God" the religious nuts said. "Bugger off," said the new King, being King is better than owning a sports sedan chair when it comes to pulling power."

Protestants have a tendency to take everything literally and so they did bugger off. To America.

Personally I think Cromwell and the Kings made a mistake here. We pagans and humanists should have taken America for our home because we would have known how to enjoy it and the climate is much better there for dancing naked under the full moon. The Protestants would have been much happier in Britain's cold, miserable climate.

But back to the Pilgrim Fathers. They didn't bother to learn anything about America but put their faith in God and planted British crops. When the British crops did not grow the native tribes took pity on the settlers and brought food. "Look" said the Religious nuts, "God has provided food for us and these red skinned, heathen bastards are trying to steal it. So they shot the tribespeople and gave thanks to God for his providence. ( told you they were nuts and you may want to observe that nothing much has changed) Killing people whose generosity of spirit makes them vulnerable is not something to celebrate in my view which is why we should say no thanks to Thansgiving and have a day of celebration that we lost our God Botherers followed by a day of penance for inflicting them on the tribes of the New World.

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

Wind Power
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-11-30

So Blair has finally given up on trying to tell us that putting big windmills in our back gardens is the answer to all our energy problems. About time too. In the very cold snap last week did anyone notice as they were turning up their heating to full how still it was outside. Not a breath of wind over the whole country and vast fog banks hanging around all day. QED? Well maybe but I doubt we have heard the last about wind. One campaigner for "renewable energy" came out with a clever piece of mathematics to show that all the worries about what happens when the wind does not blow are exagerated. "You only need an average wind speed of 7 meters per second all the year round to be able to meet all our energy needs form this source trilled the radio environmentalist (with emphasis on the "mentalist." Now I am not great at maths but you don't have to be Pythagoras to work out that 7 meters per second is about 18 miles per hour around the force 4 or 5 mark on the Beaufort scale, quite windy in fact. That's all we need 24/7 - he's having a laugh.

The mathematics of Wind Power are deeply flawed too. I have always said "Mathematics is the only exact science - by using it well you can always prove the answer is exactly what you assumed in the first place." So how far can we trust the mathematicians? Well Pythagoras is acknowledged as the world's greatest maths genius and he never ate beans. You see old Py-face believed that every time we fart a little bit of our soul escapes. That means we should either give up beans on toast or else be willing to have a little wind generator up our arses.

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

Blair and Pensions
by ianrthorpe
2005-12-02

Don't you just love Tony Blair. The latest whacky and zany scheme from the fun loving fascist is to change the pension arrangements so that we can all work 'til we are a hundred and three and save money throuh a compulary savings scheme so we can pay the government for having lived lives dedicated to making mortgage providers and privatised public services companies wealthy. Actually I have come up with an alternative to the government's pension reform plan. Everyone will retitre at 45, get loads of money subsidised travel, free health care and a Chritmas dinner in a restaurant of their choice. "And how are we going to pay for that", the politicians ask. Simple, we just stop mega corporations mopping up all their UK operating profits with consultancy charges and management fees from their Cayman Islands dummy corporations and e thy proper share of the tax burden. Now why has no government ever thought of that?

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

NHS Crisis.
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-03

Do you remember that nice Mr. Blair telling us all a while back how he was putting shedloads of cash into the NHS because waiting lists were too long. Well now we hear that hospitals are having to delay operations until the start of the next financial year because there is no cash. So when "porky" Blair was shouting about how the waiting lists had been reduced because he had done so well for us was he being economical with the truth? Of course not. The waiting lists were reduced because the government spent that extra cash on hiring managers and clerks and management consultants to administer the waiting lists more efficiently. You did not really think waiting lists could be shortened by simply doing more operations quicker did you?

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

The Imminent Death Of Google
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-03

I read that there are signs Google is losing its grip on the web. Wikipedia will be the next big thing apparently. Oh WOW! I have always said that Google is the worst possible search engine you could choose - except for all the others.

Google was bound to fail because it reduced the web merely to a matter of links. Thus relevance is not decided by accuracy or depth of information but by how many link go into a page and how many people are linking into the pages that link into you. Try a search on something like DVD rewriters on Google and as you check down the list just look how many of the high entries do not give information about the search object but simply lists of links to pages of search results. That is a simple way of getting yourself a high Google rating but is any of it relevant.

But if you think the web is in deep poo now, wait til Wikipedia takes over. This is the online encyclopedia anyone can update. So that means serious articles can be superseded by the arse dribble of ego tripping idiots and serious searches will be steered towards cretinous content.

Great innit? Still Google are not going down without a fight and webheads are nothing if not anal. It might be a while yet.

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

I'm a Bit Bothered About Madonna.
by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-04

I have seen the promo video for Madonna's new single quite a lot and yes I agree she has an amazing body for a woman her age. And that leg lift that gets her chuff right in your face is something else. But I hope she is not performing that manouvere live on stage while on tour.

Time may have been generous but the lady is forty seven, an age at which women, no matter how fit and well preserved, start to experience a little slackening of the pelvic floor muscles. Its quite common for even the most well brought up middle aged ladies to have a little involuntary wee-wee when performing such strenuous exercises. On video its fine of course, skilful editing can take care of accidents, but live on stage??? You wouldn't want to be in the front row would you? Does anyone know if the next single will be called "Golden Rain"

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

Its Chico Time-out
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-05

I was never really interested in the X factor or Pop Idol after the audition rounds when you get all the nutters turning up, but I did think the producers aimed a little higher that the old 1970s talent show "Opportunity Knocks" presented by Hughie Green, a man so cheesy he makes David Dickinson look like a cheese free zone. OK provided a cringe factor higher than any other show ever including I Love Lucy. Talented performers with great potential and wannabees who would realistically never progress beyong journeyman were asked to compete against cutesy pie infants singing songs about their mother or worse, groups of child-dancers from some stage school or other, dancing out the story of Chicken Little. Throw in a few pensioners playing the spoons and you had a show of such monumental awfulness it ran at peaktime on Saturdays for about fifteen years. Through all this time the cjhild - dancers, buoyed up by the granny factor in the vote won time after time and were never heard of again. Opportunity Knocks had a rival, New Faces, which introduced some real talent to TV including the late Marti Cane. But the cheese factor proved too much and despite featuring a one - legged acrobat (honestly, they did) in its final run, New Faces was seen off.

Me and the ex - factor coexisted peacefully. Until effing Chico came along. Now the object of the X factor is to find a new singing sensation who has that indefinable star quality that will propel them into the nations' hearts. Chico is a male stripper whose only talent is to rip his clothes of while tunelessly croaking a Ricky Martin song. This man has previously been Mr. Muscle Mania and (allegedly) an erotic dancer in Raymond's Revue and yet, mentored by Sharon Osbourne who is obviously vying with Hughie Green as the celebrity most blissfully unaware of their own cringe factor, Chico and his shirt ripping antics - later superseded by inclusion in the act of child -dancers that was a bit too Michael-Jacksonesque for comfort, has seen off some people who, while not earthshatteringly brilliant were at least easy on the eye and ear.

So what we have to do, all of us now - no backsliding, is decide who Simon Cowell least wants to win and vote for them in the final. My recommendation is Journey South who started off with the bands but now have their very own category, the bland section. Surely an act so uninspiring they would be destined to follow Steve Brookstein (who?) into instant oblivion having failed to repay the record company's investment.

So remember to VOTE, VOTE, VOTE - and I mean that most sincerely friends.

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

The wind of change for reality TV
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-06

The latest batch of non - celebrities got out of the jungle last night with Carol Thatcher emerging as the winner. Yes, the daughter of the old Iron Lady herself has won the hearts of the great British public (or at least those of them who could be bothered to vote) and become queen of the jungle.

But what swung the pendulum in favour of Carol?

Sure she went a long way towards healing some of the still festering wounds her Ma. inflicted on British society when she performed well in test that required her to eat shit (or something very close), live animals and kangaroo's bollocks.

She also displayed truly British sang - froid when allowing rats, snakes and poisonous toads to crawl over her. But the deciding factor was the body functions. Not only did our fave Daughter of Medusa have a nocturnal waz on camera for the benefit of the viewing figures, whipping down her guzzies and performing in the middle of the camp while the others, including Saint Jimmy Osmond, slept peacefully; a few days later she also, without embarrassment, lifted the cheek of her arse macho man style and ripped off a noisy fart.

The women of the Thatcher clan must be genetically programmed to be first at something. Mum was first woman to lead a western nation, daughter is now and for evermore the first woman to drop her guts on live television.

The fad for "reality TV is fading but lets hope there is one more season of this show, because anyone who wants to do well will now have to top "Thatch."

Better still how about a spin - off in which Thatch, Johnny Vegas, Gordon Ramsey and Tracey Emin have to share a flat for a month?

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

Forward to the past
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-07

A big welcome to new Conservative leader David Cameron, if only because an old Etonian is bound to be an absolute gift for satirists. Mr Cameron talks of caring Conservatism and of being in touch with the voters but if you asked him "how should one ensure savings are secure" would he not reply " Ay, thet is say simple, jast leave one's funds in the famlay trast."

But it is comforting in a way to know that the Conservatives are once more led by a wealthy and privileged patrician. There is a kind of warm feeling coming out of Westminster, generated by the knowledge that traditional values are not lost. Why, before you know it we will be having a Labour leader who used to work in a coal mine...

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

So Robbie Williams Is Not Gay
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-08

Or actually, as this was a libel case rather than a criminal case, we are not allowed to allege that Robbie is Gay. Now call me dim if you like, but unless someone is really getting desperate to get their name in the papers why would they spend as much money as Robbie and his management have on trying to look and act gay.

(Actually Robbie, if you want to catch the Gay audience try copying Will Young whose behaviour is well "out" but he behaves with dignity. Or if you must prance about like a 1950's screaming queen at least do it with a sense of irony.)

A lot of shrinks and other talking heads have been spouting about what makes Robbie tick recently. Its his abysmally low self esteem apparently, he desperately wants everyone to like him. Perhaps someone should tell him to stop bering a twat then.

Of course Robbie has good cause to feel insecure about his career, after all he would not have a career but for the millions spent by the record company (EMI - the death wish Corporation) on hyping everything he does.

Robbie' recent exploits have been getting so bizarre they are bordering on Michael Jackson - esque.

So Robbie, you can get all the court judgements you want. We migh believe you are a hetrosexual regular guy when you stop telling us how big your knob is and how many girlies you have shagged. Straight ment stop acting like that when they are around 25.
(OK, I know... There are a lot of latent homosexuals in the world.)

But even when you convince us you are straight Robbie, you will still be a talentless dancer from a boy band.

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

Hospital Food.
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-08

We did not need the papers to tell us hospital food is crap.

When I was in hospital a few years ago they had a very creative approach to getting patients to eat. Refuse the pigswill put in front of you and they would call in the shrinks.

In one instance, when I had refused several meals in a week, the shick came around and asked me if I liked eating. "Oh yes, I love good food I replied."

"Then why" said the shrink, "are you behaving like someone with an eating disorder and refusing meals?" I replied, very calmly and slowly "because you would have to have an eating disorder to put that shit in your mouth." (Actually I used to get family members to bring stuff in. Marks and Spencers single portions are very palatable - but of course not everyone was in that position.)

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

The Chronicles of Nadia?
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-09

On seeing the schedule of new film releases for this week I had a panic attack. "Oh no," I screamed, "some idiot has made a film about that noisy transsexual from Big Brother, the one with the stupendously unreal breasts. But the reality was worse, I had read Nadia for Narnia; someone has made a film about those stupendously boring children's books that a certain type of adult was always very keen to force on us in the 1950s and 60s.

The story of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe had great appeal as an indoctrination tool because it was claimed to be an allegory for the Jesus myth (where does the wardrobe come into it? you might well ask. Well Jesus was a carpenter. Oh yes, they were originally a trio before he left to form his own band. Rumour has it he was jealous of Richard's somewhat suspect relationship with Karen.) You see that Christian allegory is all rubbish. LW&W is a nazi allegory. Think about it, were the Pevensie family black? No, they were Middle class English protestants. Why was the messiah character portrayed as a Lion? Well everybody knows Lions are not Jewish. And the plot? After a spot of unrest among the plebs the Lion is killed which throws the Kingdom of Narnia into despair. When the Lion is then resurrected everyone realises it is folly to question authority and they all start toeing the line with unquestioning obedience. C.S. Lewis was a white supremacist from a privileged background. In his version of Christianity, Jesus was an Anglo - Saxon apologist for the ruling classes. Do you want to expose your kids to this stuff?

Fortunately my family were left wing bohemians and kept me well away from such stuff. I was brought up on The Wind In The Willows, in which of course the creatures of the riverbank form a revolutionary militia the resist the oppressive capitalism of the weasels. The old feudal Lord is not stood against a wall and shot, but is allowed to live out his days peacefully so long as he gives up his anti-social activities. After that I moved on to Animal Farm.

Of course, given the plague of religiosity gripping America any film that can claim a twisted Christian theme will do well. Look how they flocked to see "Passion of The Christ" directed by Mel Gibson (5'3") which was not only historically inaccurate but the dialogue was incomprehensible.

What I want to know is when will Hollywood make a film of The Ragged Trousered philanthropists? When I hear about that I will know we are turning a corner.

For the latest on the mounting tension between Jehovah and the Gods of the Celtic Pantheon check out God's Blog.

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

Chip and Pin on my shoulder
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-12

Went Christmas (oops, sorry - I mean "Wintermas," got to be P.C. - shopping today. Every shop I went in the chip and pin system was not running. Now I recall earlier this year getting lots of mail from my bank about how great the chip and pin system was and yet, far from having teething probles like any other baby, it seems to have been born without a head.

Or......could it be....... no, of course not, those nice people at the banks can be trusted can't they......but just imagine if they were a buch of crooks, would it be possible thay lied to us about the security advantages of chip and pin, maybe the system actually makes fraud easier. So maybe the systems are down because it is the only way of stopping people getting ripped off this Christmas. But of course I'm a long standing hater of Christmas, Banks, Government and Blue Peter (just thought I would throw that in.) Maybe I am getting paranoid. Perhaps my travails in the shopping centre were just a multiple case of "Computer says noooo."

SERIOUSLY: Chip and pin does make more difficult the kind of fraud that occous when criminals "skim" you card and use the details to order goods by phone but of course with no visual check, it helps enormously those fraudsters you can get your card details and your pin number (easier than you think) and just wander into shops and buy stuff.

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

Education, Education, Edu - Show me the money
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2005-12-13

Forgive me for feeling like a smug bastard but once again I have been proved years ahead of the mainstream in my thinking. A friend remind me of a conversation we had years ago when, after the unfortunate death of John Smith we were discussing the prospects of the new Labour Leader.

Amid much wailing and gnashing of teeth we held up silver crucifixes, chewed garlic and recited protection spells. " Oh Lords of the four winds, Oh Great Mother Goddess of All Things, Oh Guardians of Sidhe, Save us from ............. TORY BOY.

Yes, the new patron of the peoples' party looked for all the world like those frightful Hooray Henries who throughout the eighties had brayed obnoxious phrases like "it's impossible to be over-privileged, one is either privileged or one is a prole"; and; "proles ask how can we move to where there is work? Simple, just call Harrods and they take care of everything."

And of course Blair proved to be just such a creature, albeit with better presentation skills. So deft in fact were his presentation skills that he managed to fool the electorate into voting for him in three General Elections.

But now even the most loyal labourite, David Blunkett, has had enough of the leader's constant sucking up to the rich and powerful, e.g. "'ere Mr Murdoch sir, don't you be beating that starving, wheelchair bound, educationally disadvantaged blind fellow with that awful heavy stick sir. Such onerous tasks are beneath your eminent self sir, your highnessness. Let New Labour do it for you. Ho yes sir, the likes of us sir, we hought to know our place and halways be willing to do the dirty work for you rich people what are clearly the beloved of God sir."

The loyal (well while he had his trousers on at least) Blunkett is said to be organising opposition within the Labour ranks to Blair's plan to sell of education provision to rich American corporations who will indoctrinate our kids with religious bigotry and demand fat fees in return for that dubious service.

But Blair need not worry, for who is promising support for the Education Bill? Its the Eton Rifles led by New Improved Tory Boy. David Cameron has pledged to support Blair "when he is right" i.e. whenever he comes up with a plan to hand money so painfully extracted from the British middle and working classes and hand it over to fat rich fascists who have promised to do absolutely nothing in return.

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

Goodbye Charlie ?
by ianrthorpe
2005-12-15

Goodbye Charlie Kennedy

The Claymores are out for poor Charlie (Chuckie-bum) Kennedy. Surely we will soon have two new party leaders in British politics and will be counting down to the demise of The Great Satan Blair himself.

Charlie K is a nice guy, a brilliant panellist on Have I Got News For You and the sort of convivial bloke nobody would mind having a drink - or numerous drinks if the press are to be believed - with. But as the potential leader of a great nation Chuckie Bum has never quite been able to hack it.

Maybe this lack of credibility is due to the fact that he is a Liberal - Democrat, hardly a confidence inspiring name as it suggests they can't make up their minds what they are, or perhaps it has something to do with his more than passing resemblance to the child actor who plays Victoria Sugden in T.V. soap Emmerdale.

The biggest part of the problem though is that Charlie has red hair. Can you think of a single charismatic leader since Erik the Red (no, not Cantona but a relative of Thorfinn Skullsplitter and Ragnar the Bloody) who had a carroty top. Let's face it, if Charlie Kennedy had asked the 600 men of the Light Brigade to follow him into the Valley of Death they would have replied "Ours but to do or die? Eff off, you're a ginge."

CHECK OUT There Are Many Dieases at Headbutt blog

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

The Fix Factor
posted by ian r thorpe
2005-12-16

So the day of the final is upon us and are we all gripping the edge of our seats as we wait, agog, to learn who will win the X-Factor, be awarded a "multi-million" pound recoding contracts and propelled on a trajectory that will take them beyond the orbit of mere mortals and into the stratosphere of superstardom. I think not, I just wantewd to show that I can do hyperbole even better than the X - Factor publicists.

"That's fine Ian," you all shout, "but can you do litotes."

"AHEM.....lalalalalaaaaaa." (just warming up)

"Last year's winner Steve Brookstein, you may remember, went on to display the gobsmacking depths of his mediocrity and was quickly dropped by his record company."

YEEEES, RESULT! Poor Steve, but he never had it did he.

The mediocrity of the year's winner is already assure because the talented and incredibly good looking Maria was eliminated a while ago and the good looking and incredibly talented Brenda bowed out last week, leaving us with a Robbie (Zero Talent) Williasms - wannabee Shayne; a boy bland, Journey South and nice guy Andy who is talented but in an International Cabaret Circuit kind of way.

Amazingly (honestly, you will be absolutely a-fucking-mazed to learn this)this leaves each of the celebrity no-mark mentor/judges with a contestant each in the final. Now who would ever have thought it would turn out like that.

Let's face it, we are lucky not to have Chico in there, although I suspect Mr. Muscle Mania 1999 will be the real winner if he reinvents himself as a cross between Black Lace and The Chuckle Brothers.

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

Cup - Bearer to the Celebs
by ianrthorpe
2005-12-19

Mariah Carey would have us believe that she is a regular sort of girl who does not mind getting her hands dirty and not the egomaniacal diva some sections of the media suggest.

So what does a regular sort of girl do when she goes into Starbucks? Well if she is in any way at all regular she does not take her cup-bearer along.

You might think that cup bearing is a profession that died out with the Olympian Gods of Ancient Greece. Gods are too important to lift cups to their own lips of course, so they had Hebe* who had previously been a herder of Peacocks, another profession for which there is not much call down at the local job - centre, and Ganymede, a beautiful young man, carried off by Zeus to replace Hebe as tastes in Olympia became more sophisticated (or less Arcadian and more Greek.)

A picture in this weekends' press shows Ms. Carey attended by her cup bearer who solicitously holds a polystyrene cup while La Donna Mariah sucks on a plastic straw.

Well if Mariah has a professional cup bearer you can bet Madonna has one. Or maybe that is just the title The Queen Of Wrinkly Rock gives the pretty boy who follows her around out of regard for Guy Ritchie's feelings.

One wonders what will be the next ego-inflating fad among the celeb culture? Who will be first to emulate King Henry VIII and appoint a Groom Of The Stool (or in the language of the street, a Royal Arse Wiper. I have it on good authority that the position was created before Henry got too fat to wipe. Presumably he was too busy sacking monasteries and topping his wives to bother with mundane tasks.

If Posh was too proud to push will she also be too weird to wipe. Will J-Lo appoint a cludgie assistant to work alongside the eyebrow assistant, the bikini line assistant and the moustache assistant (oops - that's another "cease and desist" on the way.)

Would I apply for the job of Mariah's arse wiper? Certainly not.

Now if it was Kate Winslet...

*Hebe trebled up as Goddess of Youth. In an excellent TV adaptation of Mary Wesley's novel "Herding Peacocks" she was portrayed by Serena Scott- Thomas (a relative of Kristen and just as lovely) who provided the most erotic TV scene ever when she posed in front of a full length mirror, naked except for a red hat and matching stiletto heeled shoes, thus providing both front and back view.

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

The Grey and White Peril Coming To Your Backyard
posted by ian r thorpe
2005-12-20

A new hazard threatens the peace and security of the Nimby's who so recently fled the social chaos of the urban jungle to seek a better quality of life in the country. These people are now clamouring to get back into loft apartments cocooned safely in the regeneration areas of the city centres as nature red in tooth and claw conspires to drive them to new levels of paranoia. The nimbys are under threat as gangs of Badgers roam the fields and hedgerows threatening to spread T.B. and Bird Flu among dogs, cats, ornamental poultry, other domestic animals and garden gnomes. The Badgers, mostly young and predominantly male, feel marginalised and alienated by the way their environment has been bulldozed to make way for Persimmon Homes Developments.

"I feel some sympathy for them in a way" said Chief Inspector Eric Hunt of the Merchantbankershire police, even a one bedroomed starter hole round here can cost close to quarter of a million. What chance has a local Badger of ever getting on the mortgage ladder?" Investment Bankers Rupert and Jacintha Offcomer told Boggart Blog that the police are hostile to people like themselves because they are newcomers.

"Our cat Raffles is was traumatised when a young Badger in a hoodie stopped her and asked if she was sorted for TB and Bird Flu." she said Jacintha (32) and looking radiant in a scoop necked T-shirt from D&G.

Rupert (37) then added "that is just the kind of thing we moved out here to get away from as his wife broke down in tears

. "It's a difficult situation" said Eric Hunt, "We are trying to work with the leaders of the Badger community but each time we arrest a renegade Badger it just attracts new recruits for the gangs. Some people say we should get tough, but if you send an unruly young Badger to prison, a few months later you release a fully trained criminal into the community. No, I think we should persevere with Anti Social Badger Orders and ask the rich, privileged, egomaniacal cu..... country émigrés to be a little more tolerant. After all, the Badgers were here before the Bankers.

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

Dance Me To The End Of Sanity
posted by ian r thorpe
2005-12-22

A team of scientists have found that men who are good at dancing have the most sex appeal.

That scientists can be so arse - brained as to carry out such a pointless survey should astound nobody. That scientists can draw such an arse - brained conclusion makes one wonder if the Intelligent Design people might be onto something after all, because the study was inspired by one of Darwin's theories.

Now men of my generation, who have always known that dancing is something you would not be seen dead doing unless you are trying to cop off will understand that trying to acquire skills at dancing is deeply suspect behaviour in a man (too narcissistic to be homosexual even.)

According to Prof. William Brown of Rutgers University, New Jersey, dancing ability is one of the most important qualities women seek in potential mates. Prof. Brown does not offer any further elaboration so I must refer to the UK's most learned academic forum, the Lounge Bar at the Albion for an explanation.

The "Golden Chamber" has concluded after many years of study and debate that women are naturally predisposed to pick the most useless males on the basis that total wankers are more likely to need "mothering." Yes, women may complain of the general total-tosserishness of their mates but if they will insist on mating with guys who are more interested in "perfecting their moves" than learning how to pout a new washer on a tap then who is to blame when the kitchen floor is flooded again.

Prof. Brown further demonstrates how long it is since any of his team visited Planet Reality by suggesting his survey proves women are more choosy in selecting partners.

CALUMNY!

Men take time, we look for many qualities; warm, outgoing personality, modest tastes in drinks and gifts, attractive hair, smart clothes, sexy eyes, CSL, firm arse, pert breasts, and of course, IS SHE UP FOR IT? And for this they brand us commitmentphobes. On the other hand I remember saying to a female member of my team once "Tracey, this is the third time in four months he's sent you to work with black eyes, why do you stay," to which Tracey replied "he's a great dancer but he gets so wound up before competitions." Let's face it, some women are just too easy to impress. A man can be a total bastard, so long as he is good at dancing he's certain to score.

But we all know (even women who marry such guys) that good dancers posses in abundance all the qualities women claim to hate. What kind of a man is willing to make a total twat of himself in front of all his mates by getting out on a dance floor and poncing about like Ricky Gervais on Meth?

Oh well, we can take comfort in the fact that the survey was carried out in New Jersey.

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot

Rolf Paints The Queen.
by ianrthorpe
2005-12-30

Hi there cobbers, heh heh,

The picture we're gonna paint today tells the story of an old Queen who used to come and visit us in the Australian Outback sometimes and how her son Cheerful Charlie tried to get rid of her because he wanted to be King. Well wouldn't you?

Just paint all this kinda yellowy - brown (slosh slosh), and a few little splashes of green for the scrubby little bushes and trees, yeah, and a big red mound on the horizon, that's Ayres Rock and you're starting to get an idea of what the outback is like, heh heh.

Well what happened was like this, one day Cheerful Charlie and his shiela, Camilla were taking a walk by the Billabong with his boys, Willie and Harry.... and the old Queens pet dingo named James Whittaker who was panting along behind them land he was making a noise something like hoooh-ah-ah-aaaah-ah-ah-hooh.

Yeah heh-heh-heh, just paint a bit of greeny blue in there for the water of the Billabong (slosh slosh) and a few little dabs of white for the fluffy clouds reflected on the water.

Anyway, they were walking by the Billabong and Camilla says, "its time you got a proper job Charlie, you spend too much time talking to trees - and we'd better put an old Eucalyptus tree in here (slosh slosh) coz that's Charlie's best mate, and a bit of a broken old fence there, just to add atmosphere.

There. D'y know what it is yet?

So while Charlie is thinking of an excuse to get Camilla off his case one of the boys has brought along his new Boomerang that he got for Christmas, and so as there's just the four of them around and a bunch of Aborigines in the far distance he speaks up, "Ay say Pater, ay'm absoluteleh dying tay tray may new boomerang. If I thray it ite here will it come back?" And the voice of one of the Abo's comes across the Outback, "If it hit any of us it bloody will mate." Little bit of black hair on the Abo's there, and a couple of thin lines for their ceremonial spears, coz they are about to perform a traditional dance. And that gives Charlie an idea. (slosh slosh) heh-heh-heh.

Four kinda knobbly little legs in there, and a fancy hat, all gold and purple with some spots of green, red and blue for emeralds, rubies and sapphires coz its a crown, yeah, and some little brown corks hanging off the rim. D'y know what it is yet.

And when Charlie has thought through his idea he says to Camilla and the boys, "You know, Mama likes watching natives dancing, how about we kidnap her and send her out here to live with the Abo's. No one will ever find her and I can be Prince Regent, a bit of swirly grey there, like an old lady's hair, a nose, a pair of glasses, and another face here, kind of droopy expression on it and y'see its the Queen sitting on her throne in the outback watching the Abo's dancing and Charlie, Camilla and the boys and they're singing...

CLICK HERE FOR SONG.

Top Of Page

The Daily Stirrer

More Comedy

HomeBoggart Blog Daily

A Tale Told By An Idiot