Gordfellas
by Ian R Thorpe
2010-02-24
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: science, scientists, intelligence, mouse, snacks, research, crocodile, lligator, reptiles, saurian, human, humour, humor
As long as I can remember I’d wanted to be a Labour MP and one day a member of da govvament, a made man. My name’s Al Carissimo and dis ain’t da story of how I became one of da Gordfellas, its da story of what happened to my buddy Jimmy Purnell how I had to get out of da organisation after that. There was only two ways out of da Labour government ya know, one you turned Queens Evidence, went into witness protection, squealed on your friends, got cosmetic surgery an’ a new identity, you disappeared. The other? One of your buddies shot you in da face.
First I should tell ya about us Gordfellas and the made men, who we was, da t’ings we done. Y’know, we always called each other good fellas. Like you said to, uh, somebody, :You're gonna like this guy. He's all right. He's a good fella. He's one of us.: You unnerstan’?
We were goodfellas. Wiseguys. But Jimmy and I could never be made because we had foreign blood. Jimmy's mother was a Welsh nationalist and my old man was a Liberal It didn't even matter that my mother was Labour. To become a member of a crew you've got to be one hundred per cent Socialist so they can trace all your relatives back to the old party. See, it's the highest honour they can give you. It means you belong to a family and crew. It means that nobody can fuck wit’ you. It also means you could fuck around with anybody just as long as they aren't also a made man. It's like a license to steal. It's a license to do anything. Gordini Bruno was a made man. He was a guy we grew up wit’, Gordoni was just a bit older than us an’ he sorta loked out for us, gave us a helping hand. But sometimes he'd kick da crap out of us. He was like our big brother. But the important thing was Gordini’s mother was Scottish Labour. As far as Jimmy was concerned with Gordini being made, it was like we were all being made. We would now have one of our own as a member.
That wasn’t da way I saw it. Sure, it was Great Gordini was up dere wit’ da made men. H would push a few opportunities our way and dat was good. But if a made man ever done you a favour, you know’d you was goin’ to pay it back ten times over. An’ if anyt’in went wrong it was never da made man who took da hit, if you know what I mean. I trusted Gordini, I mean if you didn’ trust da made men you were fucked. Or dead. It was Gordini dat got me Giovanni Prescotti as a partner.
Now the guy who got Prescotti as a partner is OK. Any problems, he goes to Prescotti. Guy gets caught cheating on expenses? He can go to Prescotti and Prescotti blows away da auditor. Drug dealers holding out on you, trouble with the cops, media, Gordini? A guy can tell Precotti and Prescotti takes care of it. But now the guy's gotta come up with Prescotti’s pies money every week no matter what. Business bad? Fuck you, you gimme my pies dat you owe. Oh, you got busted by da Revenue? Fuck you, you pay me first. Place got hit by lightning huh? Fuck you, pay me. It was no picnic being a junior minister in the department where Prescotti was Capo di Regime.
I started to get worried then, I felt I was in too deep, I mean dese guys were psychos y’know. Not Jimmy though, he didn’ worry. Jimmy loved it all, the violence, the bullying, the manipulating of official statistics.
T’ings kinda settled down a little when Gordini became head of the family, The Gordfather everyone called him. We shoulda worried because the guy before him Antonio Blairi shoulda been sleeping wit’ da fishes but the motherfucker got away, took a job as an envoy under the protection of da Casabianca family. Everyboy knew you didn’ fuck wit’ anyone who was working for the Casabiancas.
Gordini became more and more unstable under pressure. One day at Prime Ministers Question Time Georgio Osborne, head of one of the rival families challenged him.
“You telling us we’re in a good place to deal wit’ a global recession,” Osborne said, “You crazy or sompin’, we’re fucked. Our economy ain’t worth shit, we’re fucking fucked.
“You talking to me?” says Gordini, then he grabs the mace and smashes it down on Orborne’s head, whack.
“You talkin’ to me?” Whack
“You talkin’ to me?” Whack
“You talkin’ to me?” Whack
“You talkin’ to me?” Whack
“You talkin’ to me?” Whack
Even our consiglieri Pietro Mandi had trouble smoothing that one over.
It wasn’t too long after Gordini had taken over, his Consiglieri, Pietro Mandi slid up to me an Jimmy. He says, Da Gordfather wants to see youse punks. Tonite at da Primo’s House OK.
When I got there most of the made men were sitting around the cabinet table with Gordini in the place of honour. “Al, welcome,” he says, “You been a good friend to me and you never tried to fuck me over. I want you should be the Capo di Treasury. The Chancellor.”
Course I thanked Gordini like he’s done me da biggest favour. I knew he had handed me the poisoned chalice though. He had been Capo di Treasury for years before me and everybody know he skimmed a percentage of everything for his legacy projects.
When Jimmy come in, late as usual, he was full of hisself. Hey guys, I just heard on the way over Prescotti has been hit. A murmer went around the table, some mentioned Blairi, others looked at Giacomo the Scarecrow. He was justice minister and he had been promising Prescotti justice for a while. Me? I noticed Gordini was picking his fingernails and avoiding looking anyone in the eye. Prescotti was a motherfucker and everybody knew Gordoni wanted him outta da way. But while he was around Davardi Cameroni and the Torriori family kept their heads low.
T’ings started to unravel wit’ Gordini as head of the famiglia. Guys didn’ trust him. Some thought he was paranoid, others said he was not decisive. Things had gotten tough money wise too. Everybody knew it was Gordini who had messed up big time even though he tried to bluff it out when I warned we were in deep shit. I wasn’t supposed to say that but what the fuck could I say? When the price of gold went up we all remembered it was Gordini who had cashed in all our gold when the market was low. It was a tough time for me and I knew then I was being set up as a fall guy. It was me gonna get hit when the Torriori family moved against us.
I was smart enough to keep my head down. Not Jimmy though, he was always a hothead. He started talkin’ wit’ da wrong people, saying out loud how Gordini was not up to the job and how the made men should move against him and put up a leader we could trust before the Torrioris moved againt us.
It was inevitable there would be a confrontation. It came one day after Jimmy had been talking wit’ Joffre Hoonelli about how we should maybe ask Antonio Blairi to come back and move against Gordini. When Jimmy came into the cabinet room Gordini asked, “Do you like me Jimmy?”
“Sure, you're a pistol,” says Jimmy, you're really funny. You're a really funny guy.
Gordini says, “Whaddya mean I'm funny?”
“You’re funny, you know. You tell a story, it's funny, you're a funny guy.” Jimmy laughed nervously.
Gordini looked at him, eyes cold. “What do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What? Do I talk funny?”
“It's just, you know. You're just funny, it's... funny, the way you tell the story and everything.”
The air in the room had become heavy with silence. Gordini said to Jimmy "Funny how?" What's funny about it? Do I talk in a silly voice, do I wear a red nose and silly trousers? How am I funny?”
Jimmy was my buddy so I tried to help out, “Gordini no, You got it all wrong,” I said.
“Hey Al, come on” Gordini said, “He's a big boy, he knows what he said. What did ya say Jimmy? Funny how?
“Just, you know...”
“I know what?”
“Just... ya know... you're funny.”
Gordini was not letting up. “You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
“Just... you know, Gordini,” Jimmy was sweating, “its how you tell the story, what?”
“No, no, I don't know, you said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the ** am I funny, what the ** is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!
Jimmy’s mouth moved for a few seconds before and sound came. When it did it was only “I – I – I …”
“Shut the fuck up ya stuttering prick,” Gordini pulled a gun and shot Jimmy in the face. Then he turned to us calm as you like and said “I always worried the guy would fold under pressure.”
After that I knew I had to get out. Soon as I left the place I was on the phone to the head of the Murdoch family. I spilled the beans about the bullying, the lying, cruelty to iPhones, everything. If I could create enough mayhem Gordini and the made men still loyal to him would be too busy dealing with it to move on me. It would give me time to sort out a place in the witness protection program, get a non executive directorship of a bank and disappear.
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