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Wil X Factor Winner Beat The Surfin' Bird.
After the latest run of The X Foctpr finishing last week with mediocrity triumphing over talent once again we eagerly away the announcement of the 2010 Chrustmas number one. Will it go to this years one hit wonder or will the latest Facebook campaign succed s well as last year and put Surfin Bird by The Trashment on top 47 years after it was first released. Go transhmen

Safety First…Second and Third
by Ian R Thorpe
2005-07-10
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: summer, health, safety, fun, sun, laughter, fun, hazard, satire, humour, humor

I am sure the USA has a politically correct police force, people anxious that nobody is ever at risk of anything, nothing is ever said or done anything that might offend somebody and every weirdness, every deviant lifestyle choice, every human foilble is tolerated...except wanting to have fun. I'm talking about the progressive left of course, the western equivalent of a merger between the Saudi Arabian religious police and George Orwell's Thought Police.

As the government becomes increasingly concerned that many of us are seriously at risk of enjoying ourselves doing summer related activities here is some advice for the summer season from Inspector J. Pismire of the Poke - Nose Police Public Safety Squad.

Summer is an especially dangerous time of year. From now until late September you are at risk. And don't think slapping sun cream all over your exposed flesh will help. There are dangers everywhere, you are probably not even aware of them. Did you know foe instance there are gangs hanging around the streets in many town centres just waiting to cause you harm.

"Gangs of what?" you say, "chavs in hoodies, Gay Bikers on Acid, Bogus Asylum Seekers, crazy pensioners hyped up on health drinks, terrorists? No, its worse that that, you are not safe anywhere from these monsters. I gave you a clue when I said "hanging around", it was my little joke in a mnner of speaking. You see us safety experts are not all killjoys, I like a bit of a laugh as much as the next man - so long as it is a safe laugh that puts nobody at risk. People have been know to die laughing you know so really anything too funny should be labelled with a government health warning.

But this is not the right time to talk about the safety hazards involved in uncontrolled laughter. Today we have more serious matters to think about. You all need to be aware that every day people are being harmed in bizarre accidents involving hanging baskets.

Now while you are all having a good giggle at my little joke REMEMBER! laughing can be dangerous. That is why I took care that my joke was not very funny. I wouldn't want somebody suing me for making them have a heart attack or suffer a hernia. Pretty as they may be, hanging baskets must be banned. Very tall people have been known to suffer broken noses and black eyes as a result of collisions with them and if one should, heaven forbid, break loose from its moorings it might cause a really nasty head injury. It's alright to have a bit of a laught at a pun about them hanging around like young people but we must always be mindful of the risks they pose.

One of the worst places for risks from hanging baskets and many other sources are parks. Your local park is a minefield of dangers, from the kiddies playground to the bowling green. Little ones can easily fall off swings, see saws, slides and climbing frames do not bear thinking about. Those politicians who sold off public space for building developments had the right idea. Wherever there is fun there is risk, although just because play areas are gone it does not mean we should be complacent. Most accidents occur in the home.

Our aim is to make sure nobody is ever at risk from anything.

A trip to the seaside in summer is full of hazards. See that person eating an ice cream cone? What right has he to put your welfare at risk by such irresponsible behaviour. The ice cream can easily fall from its precarious perch on top of that piece of biscuit and then somebody could slip on it and injure themselves badly. One person's fun is always another person's spell in hospital.

So what can you enjoy without putting yourself or others at risk.

Well why not have a nice gentle stroll. Not in the countryside mind, it is full of hazards. Walk round town, admire the architecture. There are enough hidden dangers in a simple activity like that to satisfy adrenaline junkies. Come along with me, I can point out the hazards for you as we go.

CAREFUL! Don't look up at that elegant building, you could walk into a lamp post or a street sign. Its OK to admire the architecture in a careful way but you must remember to look where you are going. And keep an eye on that traffic. And talking of traffic, POLICE! ARREST THAT GIRL! The one in the short skirt… and her friend in the very tight jeans. Don't they know that wearing sexy clothes can distract drivers and lead to road accidents.

Well that's all from me, at least you are aware of a few of the risks but remember there is danger everywhere so safety first, fun last.

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