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(All the news that can possibly be made up)

Humour /Satire /Entertainment/Philosophy/Life
Humour, or humor if you must, is in limited supply in the world but if you are looking for laughter look no more. The Boggart Blog team bridge the generation gap, the gender divide and leap across the many dimensions of the multiverse to bring you a funny and sometimes crazy take on whatever is in the news plus a few things that are not. In the past decade trust in the media has diminished so you would be justified in asking "Can we trust Boggart Network News?" Well yes you can, we are proud to say we have never sacrificed a joke for the sake of the truth. Delve into Boggart Blog but be prepared to find yourself taking life less seriously. Now scroll down for links to our pages.

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The Cheesemakers Of Outer Space

Adrenaline Junkies

Loonytoons By Election

Fuckwittery Of The First Order

Pretender To The Inheritance

Lembit Opik Hits Jupiter

The Moon Landing And The Earth Landing

Crusty Old Wives Tales Not So Unscientific

Swine Flu MP Misses Opportunity

Puffin Up The Power Of Technology

A Wing And A Cheap Ticket

A Rare Outbreak Of Sanity

Shagged Out Cyclists

Heather Mills McCartney On A Mission

Rat Arsed Badger

Scientists Have Not Made Sperm

Supermuslim

Shock Revelation: Obama and Michael Jackson

Schismism

Scary Willie Story

Career In Substance Abuse?

Talking Bollocks

Like A Ferret Up A Drainpipe

Benefit Fraud Psycho

Fear Of Soup Peacock Rescue

Life On Mars, A Guide To Modern Policing

It's The Sausages Stupid

The Apprentice Prime Minister

Will Labour’s Top Totty Topple Gordon?

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Knife Crime Is No Joke

It's Supergordon!

Britain's Got Talent Sensation!

800 On Waiting List For Death Clinic

Boycotting Britain's Got Talent

Sheep Burp, Cows Fart And The
Government Has Pie In The Sky

HMS Discovery: the BNP's Election Battleship?

You Mean It Wasn't True

Fat Cat or Fat Bastard

Alistair's Darling Buds Of
Recovery Vaporised In...?

Breakfast Cereal Killers

The Age Of Arse Dribble

Driving Tests Will Be The
Death Of Many

Kitchen nightmare

Sarky Sarko Slams
World Leaders

Britain’s Got Nutters

With Friends Like That...

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What Is The Price Of A Pint?

G20: World Leaders Declare Open Season On Witches

Yellow Carded By His Own Petard.

Good to be English? Well
at least i'm not stupid.

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Boggart Network News
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Woman gets pine cone
stuck in her vagina

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There's A Chink In Our Armour

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Obama's Gift To The Taliban

The Apprentice Is Back

New Primary Curriculum? We Hate
To Twitter We Told You So

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Did Reuters Falsify The Testimony Of A MH-17 Crash Witness
As the USA increasingly looks to be losing its bid to provoke Russia into firing the shot (or dropping the bomb) that starts World War Three, the ever loyal mainstream media continues to flog dodgy narratives in the hope of whipping up anti Russian sentiment, should Obama eventually need to attack the Russians or their allies. In this case Reuters are caught fabricating stories about fligh MH17 shot down over Ukraine

Thousand of Indian farmers protest against corporate imperialism and Government promotion of GMO seed.
In India the deeply unpopular Modi government is facing a massive revolt against possibly corrupt and certainly undemocratic collaboration with biotech giants like Du Pont and Monsanto in trying to use legislative power to force farmers to accept the introduction of Genetically Modified seed. Protests against the Government and ruling coalition took place in Delhi on ...

Pesticide residues on fruit and veg. is harming male fertility, study claims

Pesticide residues on some fruits and vegetables could be harming men’s fertility, a study has claimed. Researchers found that men who consumed the most peppers, spinach, strawberries, apples and pears – which tend to contain the highest concentrations of pesticide – had on average a 49 per cent lower sperm count than those who ate the least.

ExxonMobil Tells The Guardian To Stick Their Leftie Hypocrisy Where The Lights Don't Shine
We have often made points about the hypocroisy of the left, particularly those lefties who support the global warming scaremongering of the Warmageddonist Lobby who spread false propaganda about climate change in order to justify punitive taxes on the fuels that produce the energy than make modern sociaty viable.

Sources: Saudi Arabia Sends over 5,000 Takfiri Terrorists to Yemen

According to as yet unconfirmed reports from Iranian news agency Farsnews, "Saudi Arabia has sent around 5,000 Takfiri mercenaries to fight against the Yemeni army and revolutionary committees," Yemeni Army Commander Colonel Abdel Sattar al-Boushali told FNA on Saturday night.

The Sillyosity Of The Loony Left
It's great to watch the increasing silliness of the left, particularly those Maoist bigots the BBC passes off as impartial and objective news commentators. This morning they were all creaming their pants about an opinion poll about a YouGov poll for the Sunday Times. Topline figures are CON 32%, LAB 36%, LDEM 8%, UKIP 13%, GRN 6%.

Europe Pulls Rug From Under Greece, Says "Nein" To "Vague, Piecemeal" Proposals
The noises coming out of the meeting room where officials from Greece were in talks with EU finance ministers sounded positive. Greek talks with their creditors have ended badly however for the desperately cash-strapped nation.

Climate Change and Leftist Psycological Malware.
It may seem far fetched but it is possible to link the techniques of the climate change / anti capitalist lobby to the brainwashing prorammes used by the Nazis in Germany, Stalin's Soviet regime in Russia and Chaitrman Mao's brutal government in Communist China. Thus it becomes quite similar to malware that infects computer systems. The left do not care about saving the planet, all they are interested in is advancing their totalitarian, globalist agenda.

Libya, Syria, Yemen: Sectarian conflict threatens entire Middle East
Another failure of US foreign policy leads to threat of war as a coalition of 10 Sunni Arab states launches a military offensive against Shiite Houthi militants in Yemen, recently proclaimed by America’s president as a brilliant example of war on terror, but now catapulting the Middle East into the inferno of battle.

Obama's Terrible Trade Pact Is a Scam That Must Be Stopped Says Jim Hightower
Having written a book on the evil trade treaty that will transform the democratic nations into corporate oligarchies, we step aside and hand the baton to Jim Hightower of Alternet who is equally outraged about the iniquities of TTIP's equally evil twin, TPP.

"I'm Not Stupid" Monsanto Lobbyist Refuses To Drink Weedkiller After Proclaiming "It Won't Hurt You"
The glib claim backfired however when the Monsanto lobbyist was offered a glass of diluted Roundup (active ingredient Glyphosate) and asked to drink it.
"Do you think I'm stupid, " the lobbyist blustered ...

Rotherham Child Sex Abuse Probe Puts 42 Police Officers Under Invesitigation
allegations against police officers include neglect of duty by failing to adequately investigate on the basis of evidence or to deal with incidents appropriately, inappropriate comments and evidence of corrupt relationships between police officers and offenders.

U.S. versus Russia War: Top Russian Politics Scolar Stephen Cohen Tells The Truth
We have been blogging for four years about the US drive for war, provocation of Russia in Syria, Iraq, Ukraine and elsewhere made it obvious. But I'm just a news junkie with a strong sense of curiosity and have wondered why the US seems set on this course. Good to see experts like Stephen Cohen, a prominent expert on, Russia are coming onside.

Google Meets White House Officials Every Week, Why?
We have been very suspicious for ten years of the way Google with such apparent ease achieved a dominant position in web search. How did it happen, did Google do something evil, did they invoke the powers of darkness in their meteoric rise. Or were there even darker forces at work, powering Google to a position in which their internet technologies could dominate global information flows? Here's something cynics should read.

Venezuela's President Maduro Accuses USA Of Psychological Warfare
Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro has accused forces in the United States, Colombia, and Spain of waging an international “psychological war campaign” against his country. Barack Obama is behind a psychological war campaign to justify a coup in Venezuela said Maduro (who is not known for emotional restraint in his speeches) as he presented the results of the CELAC meeting in Costa Rica and elaborated on one of the grandest conspiracy theories yet proposed by his government.

The US House of Representatives Openly Calls for Regime Change in Moscow
Aside from Washington's usual lust for war, and the enthusiasm of American politicians to act as cheerleaders for death and destruction (so as to secure their billions in military industrial complex campaign donations, (graft, bungs, slush money, payola), a key part of a new bill before the House of Representatives which calls for lethal aid to Ukraine, has nothing to do with Ukraine at all.

Banning Cash Will Stop Terrorism (and end war, poverty, disease and bad smells)
The cashless society has been talked of for a long time by worshippers of authority, science fanboys, supporters of left wing politics and other people who think that nice Mr. Hitler had some good ideas really, but leading the race to ban cash because it is an aid to terrorism is the extereme right wing National Socialist regime in France.

Stupidity Of America's Lust For War With Russia
We have reported many times on the American attempts to provoke Russia's leader Vladimir Putin in the hope that Puting will then fire the first shot in the war the USA so desperately needs to revive its failed economy, unify its dysfunctional society and restore is to the position of dominant global superpower ...

TThe Idea Of An Infinite Universe Is Fashionable Again
The now little discussed (due to the witch hunt tactics employed by the scientific consensus gangsters) idea of an infinite, eternal, self renewing universe makes a lot more sense than a point at which everything suddenly materialises out of nothing.

Free Speech Is Being Murdered By The Media And Left Wing Authoritarianism
Without free speech there is no democracy. Without democracy there is no freedom. But all over the developed world free speech is under attack from politically correct politics. It is time to start resisting, do not believe the propaganda published by mainstream media, question everything and make up your own mind. as The Buddha said, "Believe nothing you read or are told unless it agrees with your own experience and common sense."

To Infinity And Beyond - Big Bang Theory Trashed?
One 'scientific fact' Little Nicky has challenged in the past is Big Bang Theory. I have lost count of the times that having offered proof that Big Bang is not a fact, the universe is in reality infinite I have become involved in thousand - comment threads in which the arguments of the Big Bang sceptics were contradicted by science tits screeching, "It is a fact because we say it is."

De - dollarization Moves Ahead - Once Again We Told You So.
Add the IMF to the (now long) list of those who apparently share the UK’s view that joining the China-led Asian Infrastructure Investment Bank is an “unrivaled opportunity,” as Christine Largarde says her institution not only sees a “massive” opportunity for cooperation with the AIIB but is also “delighted” to explore the possibilities.

World Domination Freak Bill Gathes Appeals For World Government
In a recent interview with the German magazine “Süddeutsche Zeitung“, Bill Gates, son of a CIA director and the New World Order's 'made man' uttered some highly sinister comments in support of abolishing democracy and nationhood in favour of world government.

Another Reason To Get Out Of EU. UKIP MEP Hits Out At Fishing Policy That Penalises British Fishing Crews
As the General Election campaign starts to heat up, we try to shift focus away from the squabbling between Conservative and Labour about who can make the most promises they have no intention of keeping and to the real issues concerning jobs, social breakdown , mass immigration, and an often overlooked area in which our EU membership has perhaps done more damage than any other, the fishing industry.

German Ubermacht Gives Greek Upstats The Finger In European Union Confrontation. The confrontation between Germany, which some say sees itself as the increasingly dominant nation in the EU as 'ever closer integration' progresses, and Greece, the Euro zone economic basket case but a proud and independent nation all the same, had to come. Germany was more austerity from Greece to protect the value of the Greek debt it hold. Greece want money from Germany to settle old grievances.

France Moves to Make ‘Conspiracy Theories’ Illegal by Government Decree
Political elites and super-bureaucrats must be very worried. New start up political parties, dismissed as populist byt in reality listening to the concerns of voters are making inroads into the political status quo. New media investigative journalists and op-ed writers are challenging the official propaganda (and gaining an ever bigger audience). It’s becoming harder to control consensus reality.

Older Posts index


Pissed Pensioners Are A Social Blight
There is an ever growing tendency in government to stick their noses into the everyday detail of people's daily lives. Nowhere has this been more apparent than in the case of The Pised Pensioners. Despite the governmen'ts repeated dire warnins about the effects of drinking on health and the cost to health services of drinking related illness a lot of pensioners still like to enjoy the occasional glass of beer or wine. And the pokenose bureaucrats intend to put a stop to it. Read full post


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Education, Education, Education
Ian R Thorpe
27 April 2009> Is education all it's cracked up to be. Ian Thorpe thinks not and explains why in this article about the pretensions of science, the naivete of graduates with university degrees and the realities of the jobs market.

Oi Canada; Get Orf Our Laaand!
The coast of Northumberland is undoubtedly beautiful and dotted with historic sites. Bamburgh Castle , a rock promontory now topped by the remains of a Medieval castle has been a stronghold against invaders from the sea. Nearby the island of Lindisfarne with its ancient monastery is a world heritage site. In the heyday of the monastic system the monks of Lindisfarne created the famous illuminated gospel a facsimile of which can be viewed in the parish church on the island. The priceless original is kept in the British Museum.

Just outside the perimeter wall of the old site tourists can visit the cell of St. Cuthbert, a tiny chamber hewn out of rock just above the high water mark. There the saint would spend weeks in solitude, eating only one frugal meal of bread or porridge and water per day and enduring cold and discomfort as he contemplated they mysteries of life. He was a mentalist but don't tell that to the tourists.

just inland is Alnwick Castle, a place of pilgrimage for Harry Potter fans and the scene of many clashes with the Scots. The coast of...


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Alistair's Darling Buds Of Recovery Vaporised In Labour's Economic Large Hadron Collider?

Has it struck anyone else as day after day the economic news gets worse that the meltdown got really serious about the same time as thefuckwitted geeks who live in a hole near Geneva switched on their Large Hadron Collider? We are supposed to think it is just coincidence but it should make people ask questions…

On Wednesday, six months after "Flash" Gordon Brown announced he was saving the world the task of making the sums add up following Brown's bank bailout fell to Alistair Darling and his animated eyebrows. This man is totally out of his depth as finance minister in the world's fifth largest economy but he would be a sensation on Britain's got talent. Never mind the fat bloke who does Michael Flastley impressions, Darling's eyebrows are more mobile than the entire Riverdance ensemble.

Having talked about sightings of green shoots of recovery at least once a week since February, the Chancellor knew as he delivered his April budget speech he had to turn these shoots into swelling, bursting Darling buds of May. Unfortunately the pans he announced have already been shaken by rough winds of indifference. It is not possible to spend our way out of recession when we have already spent our rainy day money on New Labour vanity projets, Blair's five wars and failed Information Technology schemes.

At this time of year we should be sailing a broad reach rather than struggling to stay on course as hostile currents drive us towards a dangerous reef (British writer's obligatory nautical metaphor) so why does nobody seem to have a clue how to get out of this worsening situation?

If you cast your mind back to the Large Hadron Collider, the machine that physicists hope (or rather hoped because they have backed off from their most ambitious claims,) will unlock the secrets of the Universe, the whole $6billion experiment is based on guesswork. Even if the machine had worked perfectly the scientists could not have know if what they were observing is what happened a billionth of a second after the Big Bang even if we allow them to assume the Big Bang happened. The Universe is to big and too old and too complex for us to understand. Scientists must learn a point is reached at which they have to accept "that's the way things are," When Thomas Edison was asked how electricity worked he replied "it works." So far nobody has bettered that but we have learned to control electricity and use it in thousands of beneficial ways. The LHC did not work so what do the scientists do? They persuade participating governments to spend a few billion more on it. The cost is justified by a promise that once it works it will do lots of useful stuff but nobody actually knows what.
To continue reading about Alistair's Darling Buds CLICK HERE

http://www.greenteethmm.com/bogboggart.html" target="_blank"

***Breakfast With The Apprentices
On television the Apprentice rolls on oblivious of the budget, Britain's Got Talent and Barack Obama. Some might suggest that is because it was recorded several months ago but we at Boggart Blog would never stoop so low as to suspect Surrealan of being involved in such a deception. Trust us the programme goes out live in real time and is not edited at all. Next week's task for The Apprentices is to convince sceptics that pigs really can fly... CLICK ON BUTTON to open full post in a new window.

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The Age Of Arse Dribble
At Boggart Blog we have covered the attempts to get the anti - obesity arse dribble pill onto the British market. The arse dribble pill (or allili as it is branded) stops the body from absorbing fat so lardarses can beinge eat bizzas, burgers, fried chicken, lard, more lard and deep fried Mars bars without ever putting on weight. It would be the perfect solution to the obesity crisis but for one thing. Instead of being absorbed, metabolised and emitted as nice zeppelin shaped jobbies the fat goes straight through the digestive system, emerging through the holes in our bottoms as gooey, oily, slimy ARSE DRIBBLE.

Learn more about obesity pills here:
Unhappy Pills
and here
The Certainty of Arse Dribble
and here
The Misery Pill
and then find out about the dangers of overeating here
Don't Feed Your Daughter Any More Mrs. Lardarse
and here
Goodbye Lardarse, 2009 Is The Year Of The Lardhead

It;s enough to make you eat a healthy diet

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Driving Tests Will Be The Death Of Many
21 April 2009
Ian R. Thorpe

New Driving Tests May Be The Death Of You.
Anxious as ever to cover up their absolute cluelessness about how to deal with anything the government has resorted to the old ploy of trying to look as if they are doing a lot about everything.

Fresh from their successes is looking as if they intend to deal with binge drinking, anti - social behaviour, the credit crunch, immigration, education, discumknockeration, death of bees, diseases of knees, greedy bankers, Conservative wankers and galloping mange and climate change, New Labour have this week turned their attention to abolishing death. Not abolishing death by compelling us all to have vaccines against diseases we are not going to catch (that was last week when some government supporters were demanding pre-pubescent boys be vaccinated against cervical cancer) the politically correct thinkers of the Labour Party now want to abolish death on the roads. It is a worthy aim of course but the method is rather suspect in fact it looks like another bucketful of eyewash.

Aiming for the easiest target so as to make missing it seem a much greater accomplishment the Department Of Transport and Flying Sheep intends to target Young Drivers as this group are involved in a disproportionate number of accidents many of which involve tripping over Smart Cars while staggering home from the pub of a Friday night. In a bid to make young drivers into safe drivers the government plan to make the driving test easier to pass yes, easier to pass.

The proposals to be put before Parliament include splitting the test into four parts which may be taken separately over an extended period. Nice to see the government is down with the kids and understands the current generation has a much shorter attention span than those that went before. Concentration is irrelevant when driving, it is much more fun to randomly press buttons and see which lights flash.

The other main change is the new test will be treated as a syllabus and candidates assessed on overall performance thus it will be more difficult for people to fail on a single, trivial error like not bothering to stop at a T junction. In other words as education standards have improved so much under Labour they plan to apply the same principles to road safety.

Needless to say much more weight will be attached to the theory part of the test. We can all feel much safer now, so long as new drivers have a good theoretical understanding of driving technique what does it matter if they don't have a scrap of road sense.

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Ramsay's Very Own Kitchen Nightmare

Reality tv supershef Gordon Ramasay who preaches the doctrine of "fresh food prepared and cooked on the premises" is hoist by his own petard as restaurants in one of his chains are caught serving boil in ther bag meals EXTRACT: We have strong stomachs, my wife and I. week after week we roar with laughter as cantaloupe faced superchef Gordon Ramsay harangues hapless restaurateurs about the mouldy food, cavalier approach to hygiene and stone age cooking methods, and most of all about the way they are not serving fresh food but bought in, boil-in-the-bag and microwave ready meals. And despite this, despite the three month old lasagne, the mince with green fur and the penicillin crusted soup we still eat in restaurants. Oh well, we all have to die of something, better a dodgy dinner than dementia perhaps.

"Fucking fresh food prepped and cooked on the fucking premises," Ramsay yells at some poor sap whose business is going down the pan because they don't know a souffle from a suet pudding. Given their ignorance of the catering trade the creativity of the tricks these people get up to is amazing. Week after week Gordon discovers a stash...

CLICK HERE to read full post Ramsay's Very Own Kitchen Nightmare


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Sarky Sarko Slams World Leaders
posted by Ian R Thorpe
18 April 2009

It had to happen. That giant ego was never going to remain contained in such a small, slender body for long. The real Nicolas Sarkozy has at last burst out in all his Gallic superiority and thoroughly slagged his fellow world leaders.

Of German Chancellor Angela Merkel sarky Sarko said "Once the understood the state of German banking and the economy she came round to my way of thinking" while he was dismissive of Spanish leaders Zaperero's stance against the French plan for economic recovery in Europe, saying "Perhaps he is not every intelligent."

Rumoured to have been stung by reports in the US mainstream media suggesting he idolises Barack Obama, Sarko said of the new American President, he is newly elected and is naďve and inexperienced. He has no never before been in charge of anything, perhaps this is why he falls short on efficiency and decision making. M. Sarkozy did say Obama has subtle intelligence but this of course is a very subtle very French way of suggesting Obama keeps whatever intelligence he may have out of sight.

Gordon Brown was damned with faint praise. It seemed Sarko could not even be arsed insulting the British Prime Minister confining himself to saying that politics is about being clever enough to get elected and the Blair / Brown Labour administration had been elected three times as has Italian political Godfather and convicted fraudster Silvio Berlusconi.

Asked who was the most clever politician Sarkozy said being clever was not the be all and end all of politics. In a snarky reference to his former rival and leader of the French socialist party Lionel Jospin he said, "I know people who are very clever but who did not even make the second round of the Presidential election.

Ooooooooh!

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Trial Of Transylvanian Has To be Halted
posted by Ian R Thorpe
. 17 Apr 2009

The trial of a Transylvanian man who stands accused of causing Grievous Bodily Harm had to be postponed earlier this week as Bristol Crown Court was closed when the buildings were permeated by an overpowering smell of garlic.

CCTV footage showed the culprit to be one of the chief witnesses in the trial of illegal immigrant Vald Dracula who claims he is descended from an ancient aristocratic family. The witness, Miss Heama Tomasic, a virgin from a remote peasant community in eastern Romania told police when questioned about why the surveillance cameras had showed her pouring garlic oil onto radiators; "it was to repel evil."

Heama later explained her action to a Boggart Blog reporter "they cannot expect me to go into the same room as The Count. Do they not know he can turn himself into a bat? No virgin within a hundred miles is safe. She also told us that she had not wanted to disrupt the work of the courts and for protection from The Count had planned simply to wear a large silver cross around her neck. Court officials had stopped her from doing this. They said it might offend any Muslims in the Public Gallery.

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Phil Spector To Join Brown’s Media Team?
posted by ianrthorpe
2009-04-15
Hot on the heels of Damien McBride's departure from the government public relations role he has fulfilled for some time Boggart Blog, thanks to our mole embedded in the government, can bring you news of a surprising and audacious move to replace McBride and his discredited sidekick Dolly Draper. Prime Minister Gordon Brown is expected to announce in the next few days that American record producer, convicted murderer and veteran mentalist...
CLICK HERE to read Phil Spector To Join Brown’s Media Team? at Boggart Blog

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
posted by fatsally
2009-04-14
Good evening ladies and gentlemenah.
Welcome to tonight's "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word"!
On the show this evening our current champion, Gordon Brown, who is looking to extend his current unbroken run of refusing to say "Sorry". Last time on the show Gordon withstood calls from members of the public,the media and Parliament to say sorry for his part in the current financial meltdown, althoug he did have to be warned that blaming everything on...
CLICK HERE to read full post Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word and more great humour at Boggart Blog

General Motors New Puma Is Not What It Sounds Like
posted by ianrthorpe
@ 2009-04-14
Recession always brings out the worst in inventors it seems. Remember the Sinclair C5, the best joke of the early 1980s recession? We were told petrol prices would go through the roof, the government would tax drivers off the roads and we were all going to be hard up forever and would not be able to afford any personal transport except these ridiculous little battery assisted...
CLICK HERE to read full text General Motors New Puma Is Not What It Sounds Like at Boggart Blog

Improvised Explosive Pies
posted by ianrthorpe
2009-04-13
Boggart Blog prides itself on being first to bring you news of the latest developments in the food of terror war currently being waged by our gallant security forces on the purveyors of exploding gravy, dangerous cheese, corrosive sauce and sausages of mass destruction. Now we must warn you of...
CLICK HERE to read full text of Improvised Exploding Pies at Boggart Blog Britain’s Got Nutters
posted by ianrthorpe
2009-04-12
Britain’s Got Talent reappeared on our television screens last night, setting out to prove that real talent is scarce but what Britain does have in abundance is mentalists.

The nutters are what the show is all about really so in the early rounds anyone who does have talent will be kept well hidden by Mr. Cowell and Co. What did we see instead?

Well there was a bloke came on and announced himself as a break dancer . When the music started he just stood and waved his arms about like the crowd at a Robbie Williams concert when Robbie is singing Angels.

Another bizarre act was a man who ate Ferrero Rocher chocolates. He said he was going to set a world records for eating the greatest number of Ferrero Rocher in a minute. He only managed four. I don’t know what the record stands at but I guess there are people in Texas who could eat a full box in well less than a minute. If you know what I mean.

A woman dressed as a witch came on stage. She was wearing a pointy hat and joke teeth. At least I thought they were joke teeth but it turned out they weren’t. Pity, they were the most entertaining thing about her act. Nobody quite knew what her act involved and I guess she didn’t either. The panel thought she was crap too but when they told her so she put a curse on them. That was really frightening, they turned into Piers Morgan, Amanda Holden and Simon Cowell lookalikes. Kids will have nightmares about that for weeks.

Another act that mystified the audience was a man who did impressions of trees. Enough said.

About a million dance troupes of varying degrees of incompetence trooped across the stage. The most memorable was a bunch of pensioners who had been dancing together for ten years without having learned the idea of a dance troupe is everyone dances to the same tune.

Biggest cheer of the night went to a big girl who did a striptease and actually got ’em out. It could have been a recruiting ploy by the Chastity League. Fortunately the sfx boys covered her pendulous bits with cgi Union Flags.

The pick of last nights bunch though, the prime candidate for being banged up somewhere he could not be a danger for himself or others was a guy who dressed as a pirate, rode onto the stage on a motorbike and proceeded to chop up fruit with a chainsaw. He was thrown out of the talent contest but has a great chance of winning The Turner Prize for Modern Art.

This article is an exception to the Boggart Blog rule in that it is straight, factual reporting. None of it is made up. You just couldn't make this stuff up.

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With Friends Like That...
posted by fatsally
2009-04-12
Another story from Poland.
Marian Milczarek and his best friend were arguing about the loan of a trailer. That's pretty normal isn't it, cos when someone is your mate you don't make these things formal.

"Can I borrow your trailer to take this stuff to the tip?"

"Yeah sure, but I'll want it back by Friday afternoon."

"Oakidokee."

"Have you finished with my trailer yet, only I need it to take my disco gear to the pub for tonight's do."

"Oh! No, it's still full of rubble from that nuclear shelter I'm building in the cellar."

"Well I did ask for it back tonight."

"Yeah but I had to put in some overtime so I haven't had chance, and the tip's closed now."

"Well can't you take all your rubble out so I can use it? It is mine after all."

"Oh but you could fit all your disco gear in the back of your car at a pinch, specially if you left the glitter balls at home. It'll be a right pain emptying out all that rubble. Brick and plaster and everything."

"I can't leave the glitter balls at home. That's what the punters particularly like. I only said you could borrow it if I got it back and now you've gone and let me down."

But then things took a turn for the worse as Marian's mate picked up a chain and started hitting him with it. But that wasn't the worst of it, consumed with rage he pulled down Marian's trousers and started on his meat and two veg.... with his teeth.

"It was agony." said Marion.

Police searched for the missing pice of marital equipmant but have since come to the conclusion that the assailant must have swallowed it.

Eeeuuw!

Gives a whole new meaning to Polish sausage though.
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Pink Elephants
posted by fatsally
2009-04-11
You would think in these enlightened times people could just be that little bit more tolerant, wouldn't you? But oh no. Some people just can't cope with the idea that just because something is a bit different, or not the way they do it, then it is wrong. Thus a politician in Poland is denouncing his local zoo, saying, "We didn't pay 37 million zlotys (Ł7.5 million) for the largest elephant house in Europe to have a gay elephant live there." No doubt the elephant is wriggling into his pink PVC lederhosen whilst practising the phrase, "I am the only gay elephant in Poland>" If I was the politician I would make sure when I visited the zoo I didn't have any reason to bend down in front of the elephant house. Long memories and long trunks! News Of Great Importance
posted by ianrthorpe
2009-04-11
The Daily Stirrer, newest publication in Boggart Blog’s relentless march towards domination of global news media this week lamented the imminent demise of local newspapers. With much of their advertising revenue diverted to internet advertising and readers diverted to internet porn and social networking, local newspaper publishers are folding at an accelerating rate.

How we shal miss our local rag and all the earth – shattering news it brings us. News like this story from the Ellesmere Port Pioneer:

Drunken Ellesmere Port man nearly run over in the middle of Overton Road.

Come on, admit it; your life has been enriched by reading that.

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Elephant Golf
posted by ian r thorpe
2009-04-10
Skipping through the TV channels last night my eye came to rest on the scoreboard for the U.S. Masters Golf. Now with the exception of Tiger Woods and a couple of the older guys I would not know one golfer from another but one name stood out. Ho ho I thought, he will be easily recognisable. Well you wouldn’t forget a face like that of John Merrick would you?
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Dragon 1 St. Lewis 0
posted by fatsally
2009-04-09
Formula 1 roared back onto our screens a week last Sunday with an exciting race, no don't think too much of that, they always make the first one good, it's a hook to keep you hoping for another one and consequently tuning in, thus keeping the sponsors happy. Lewis Hamilton, who was undergoing the screening process for becoming a saint at the time, had a fantastic drive coming through from the back of the grid to take a points position. But which points position did he achieve was the question. Hamilton went up into fourth when the Red Bull of Sebastian Vettel slithered out of control into the charging Sauber of Robert Kubica taking them both out of the race and bringing on the safety car with just three laps to go. Under safety car conditions overtaking is barred so the race was effectively over, however Jarno Trulli, lying in third, ran wide off the track, allowing Hamilton past.
CLICK HERE to read full post Dragon 1 St. Lewis 0 and much more humour at Boggart Blog What Is The Price Of A Pint ? Freedom.?
by ianrthorpe
2009-04-08

Health experts are say the government’s anti–drinking campaign is not working and advising that only price increases will reduce binge drinking. As your Boggart Bloggers have predicted for many years the real agenda is to demonise drinking in the same way as smoking was demonised. Tasty food will be next on the agenda.

Imposing punitive taxes to increase the price of booze will not work, all it will do is alienate the responsible drinkers and boost the takings of cross channel ferry operators. My experience of working in Sweden revealed another likely result.

In Sweden drink prices are among the highest in the world. So is the rate of liver damage. At least this proves that human resourcefulness will always find a way to beat the system which is comforting.

Swedish drinkers have to pay almost a fiver a pint for beer and a bottle of spirits costs an arm and a leg which gives them a head start when they fancy getting legless. Even with those prices the streets are full of drunks on a Friday and Saturday night, friendly drunks: at least the booze does not \seem to bring out their aggression. How do people afford to get drunk at those prices? Home brewing and wine making are very popular pastimes in Sweden and I am pleased to confirm many Swedes are exceptionally competent practitioners of their hobby.

The resistance goes even deeper however. On television travel programmes you may have noticed the Swedish countryside is dotted with wooden cabins. most are quite innocent leisure homes used by families for holidays. A significant few however house illegal stills. In these cabins people distil their own Aquavit (water of life) a.k.a Moonshine, Mountain Dew, Idiot’s Broth, Journey Into Space etc. a fiery type of vodka.

Potent stuff this Aquavit is too. At one of our project parties a couple of guys brought in a jug of the product of their recreational distilling project. It was more Molotov Cocktail than Lem Moltow. For those of us brave enough to sample it they poured generous measures into paper cups usually used in the hot drinks machine. We never got to taste the liquor, it dissolved the glue that held the cups together.

I resolved to stick to Jack Daniels (made by Lem Moltow distillery for anyone who missed that joke), Chivas Regal and Old Bushmills.

Though doctors, health experts and alcohol abuse organisations back the government like but say too little is being done to curb the misuse of alcohol. The truth is they are all doing too much. Government action always achieves the opposite of what it aims to do so it follows that the more they promote the idea that drinking is bad the more people will do it.

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G20: World Leaders Declare Open Season On Witches
posted by Ian R. Thorpe
2009-04-07
The ExCel Centre in London Docklands is a forbidding place – no, let’s rewind, London Docklands is a forbidding place, more so now it is filled with soulless office blocks than when it was a maze of tumbledown warehouses and Dickensian streets filled with slum – dwellers. At least the area had character then, the new docklands only has that air of desperation common to all manufactured communities. The ExCel, where the great and good were gathered last week to put the world to rights and set us on the road to recovery, fits comfortably into such an area.

Obviously I was not there in person, bloggers do not yet receive invitations to such events and bloggers who make it their mission to ridicule our leaders...
CLICK HERE to read full post G20: World Leaders Declare Open Season On Witches at [ The Daily Stirrer ] ... [ Boggart Blog ]

Yellow Carded By His Own Petard.
by Ian R Thorpe
@ 2009-04-06
Have you ever wondered what the phrase “hoist by his own petard” means? It does not make any kind of sense does it and what is a petard anyway?

The dictionary is not much help, it defines petard as a small bomb or the blast made by such a bomb. A working knowledge of French helps. In that language a petard is a small wind. So during the Napoleonic wars someone might have been said to be “hoist by their own petard” when their windbaggery was exposed as having little substance and thus they brought about their own downfall.

A small blast of wind with no substance (we hope)proved the undoing of a Chorlton Villa footballer in a Manchester Amateur League last Saturday. The player let rip loudly just as an opponent prepared to take a penalty kick.

The Referee was not amused and gave the man a yellow card for “ungentlemanly conduct.” When the kick was retaken Villa’s opponents scored.

The moral of this story is “don’t fart about in the penalty area.”

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Good to be English? Well at least i'm not stupid.
posted by fatsally
2009-04-06

Well, it seems like the distaff side of the Boggartblog reporting team chose the right week to be away on holiday.

Which would you rather be doing, lazing by a pool drinking cold beer whilst the teenagers remain 2000 miles away in UK, or listening to Barry and Gordon telling us they have saved the world by inventing a $5 trillion rescue package and the fuckwit media, blinded by the light of sycophancy, lap it up and never stop to ask where is this money coming from anyway cos we taxpayers ain't got it.?

Obviously a rhetorical question.

Here's another one.

You travel 2000 miles to get away from it all, i.e. Engerland and all its woes, so what do you do when you get there? Have a full English breakfast, including chips; lie about in the hot sun till you're pinker than a lobster; decamp to the Irish bar and down many pints of Guinness whilst watching Engerland under 21s; go back to your rooms, fall asleep, wake up with a mouth like the bottom of a parrot's cage and then shuffle off to the English bar to eat fish and chips and watch the footie or back to back episodes of Hollyoaks, Emmerdale, Corrie and Eastenders.

Still at least it meant the few remaining restaurants that are still owned by natives were refreshingly quiet.

And finally, today we are told of a masterplan to post student's answers to examination questions on the web so the public can judge for themselves whether the populace is getting thicker... mental obesity perhaps.

However do we really need to do this when there are wonderful examples out there that can give us a reasonable indication anyway?

James Kettle, a horticultural student, decided to apply for a gardening job at the National Botanic Garden of Wales. However he managed to send his application to Aberglasny Gardens instead. Well they obviously are pretty similar names.

A kindly manager at the gardens did respond to James's application though.

To point out that when applying for a job in Wales it might be a good idea not to have an e-mail address that starts with atleastimnotwelsh...

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The American View on Michelle O's G20 Royal Gaffe
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2009-04-03

Americans are just incorrigible.

This was broadcast by CNN news network:

First lady Michelle Obama did not breach protocol by touching Queen Elizabeth II at a reception for world leaders attending the G-20 summit, Buckingham Palace told CNN Thursday.

"It was a mutual and spontaneous display of affection and appreciation between the Queen and Michelle Obama," the Royal Press Office said in a statement Thursday. "The London Summit reception at Buckingham Palace was an informal occasion," the statement also said.

No breach of protocol occurred, according to the Royal Press Office, because Buckingham Palace does not issue instructions about how to address the Queen.

Yeah right! Now I am no fan of the Royal family, I mean they are not The Royle Family are they, but I do know when the Royals are around there is no such thing as an informal occasion. It's a tad unbelievable then that meeting foreign leaders with news cameras present could be treated as such.

I know for a fact that at race meeting (not Royal Ascot) where the Queen is present to see one of her horses, people going into the owners encloseure (even those respresenting their ownership syndicates that day - well especially us plebs I suppose) are instucted how to behave. We are not to approach the Royal party, not to look at The Queen (in the way Rob Reiner was not to look at Nigel Tuffnel's guitar in Spinal Tap,) and if approached by The Queen blah blah.

You can't get much more informal than a day at the races.

So are we being asked to believe that 1,000 year old traditions can be set aside to accommodate American touchy-feely politicall correctness.

Other versions of the incident have it The Queen made the first move to embrace Mrs. Obama. That seems totally out of character unless of course Her Maj, a tiny woman, stretched her little arm around Michelle's ample hips and said, "Fack me Mrs Obama, thet's some big arse you have on you."

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Boggart Network News live from the G20.
Posted by ian R Thorpe
2009-04-02
As reports from the G20 meeting suggest Gordon Brown’s initiative has gone pear shaped with France and Germany linking up against Britain and America while Russia and China pursue their own agenda, President Lula of Brazil in a huff because he thought he was coming to London to open The Notting Hill Carnival, Mr & Mrs Obama trying to get a deal with OK Magazine for exclusive rights to report the parties they are allegedly thowing every week in The White House, Canada and Mexico complaining that the value of their properties has halved since the Blacks moved in next door and Silvio Burlusconi making everybody an offer they can’t refuse, only Boggart Blog can bring you an exclusive from inside the conference centre.

Our reporter managed to secure a few words with Nicolas Sarkozy during the lunch break.

Boggart Blog:
President Sarkozy, rumours aboud that you have threatened to walk out if President Obama insists on other nations following America’s lead on the financial stimulus.

Sarko:
Zut alors, zese rumours, ’ow do zey get started.

BB:
You are not planning to walk out then?

Sarko:
I did not say zat. C’est vrai Obameur must eurnderstand ’ee is not President of ze Weurld but with ’elp freum eur freunds Zhermanee, Chine and Russeur we will ’elp ’im to leurn ’ee is as zey say in Amerique, Noveau Kid On Ze Bleurk.

BB:
So you don’t have a problem?

Sarko:
I did not say zat. Obameur, ’ee is not ze probleum but ’ze meeja ’av insult Mme Sarkozy and French Woman’ood.

BB:
Really M. President. You have a problem with Mrs. Obama? How so?

Sarko:
Zey say Michelle Obameur, she is sexiest Politics WAG. Puh! My Carla is steunning, Michelle she ’av le grose fesses. Avast be’ind as you British wiz your obsessive fondness of Neurtical Metapheurs say. My Carla, ’er arse is like to two pool boules. Yet what do your presse report? Michelle Obameur is le mieux beautifeul Politics WAG, Michelle is fashion icon, Michelle is style setteur.

BB:
Quel dommage?

Sarko:
Quel dommage, Quel effing dommage? It is an inseurlt to France. Parisienne women are the most stylish, ’zis is acknowledge fact. If we allow American media hype to dictate style soon ’ze world will be dres in shell seurts. The American ’hegemony must be resisted. Zat one eyed haggis muncheur Gordon Brown has betrayed ze old alliance of France and Scotland so now we must scuppeur le Special Relationship. Zis could escalate into an internationale incideunt.

BB:
President Sarkozy, thank you for finding time to talk to us. And on that worrying note we leave the G20.

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Shock, Horror! Schools Teaching FILTH!
POSTED by ian R Thorpe
2009-04-01
We don’t hear much from the Mary Whitehouse brigade and their campaign against FILTH! in the media in these amoral times but they are alive and well. The best place to find them is on radio phone – ins. A good FILTH! story always makes for an easy life for Boggart Blog reporters so when we saw on The Anorak yesterday the story of a schoolteacher who had topped up her salary by moonlighting as a lingerie model (SEXIEST TEACHER IN TROUBLE)and the fuss that resulted when the pictures inevitably found their way onto the internet it was obvious an hour listening to radio today would be very fruitful.

We were not wrong.

“No wonder we have the highest rate of teenage pregnancies in Europe when schools are encouraging FILTH!” stormed one caller.

The Boggart Blog team are always fascinated by these “teenage pregnancies” statistics that are thrown about to back up claims of the moral decay of society. A 19 year old woman is still technically a teenager but may have been married for several years.

Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells and company are not interested in such subtleties. They are interested in FILTH! and ladies underwear is FILTH! in their view. We must assume the ladies of Tunbridge Wells do not have bodies. Or maybe they go commando. Anyway even though the teacher pictured filling her bra and panties very attractively was showing neither nipple nor pube she is still a candidate for tarring and feathering.

One caller demanded the abolition of the internet. When the presenter explained it was rather hard to abolish something that cannot really be said to exist, she refused to be put off. “It does exist,” she declared, “and what is more it pumps FILTH! into people’s homes night and day.

I logged onto the net but all I could find was stuff about G20, warnings of a new virus and a report that said The Guardian will cease publication in print today and in future only be available on Twitter. All part of an evil capitalist conspiracy maybe but hardly FILTH!

Never mind. On the radio the phone in was still going on. Another caller opined that any time now we could expect to hear the FILTH! merchants who run our schools plan to offer GCSE courses in stripping, lap dancing “and worse.”

These people are so stuck in the twentieth century. Have they not heard Universities have offered degrees in lap dancing for nearly a decade?

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Woman gets pine cone stuck in her vagina
Posted by Ian R Thorpe
2009-03-31
We are not going to report the story of the woman who had to go to hospital to have a pine cone surgically removed from her vagina. We are not even going to try.

Sometimes the truth cannot be improved upon.

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Poverty Amazes Researchers
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2009-03-31
No week would be complete without news about an expensive research project discovering something so blindingly obvious only an academic could possibly think it worth researching.

It nice to see for a change a press release that uses the word “researchers” instead of trying to gain a veneer of mystery by saying “scientists” when describing the kind of people who make a very nice living for themselves by blagging research grants that pay them for doing nothing slowly.

The people who describe projects like why some people prefer milk chocolate and some plain or studying the effects on chavs of reading Shakespeare usually work in fields like cognitive behavioural science of evolutionary psychology.

Our first pointless research story for this week concerns researchers studying the effects of the recession on working class communities. The most stunning revelation they offer us is that as the crisis deepens poor people are eating less often.

Boggart Blog has a so far untested theory about why this might be so. We think it is happening because poor people can’t afford enough food to have three meals a day, seven days a week.

This is pure speculation at the moment, so far we have gathered no evidence to support it. Even so we think we are onto something. Our next step is to blag ŁŁŁs a few million from well meaning but terminally naďve managers of QUANGOs, buy bread, soup, porridge oats, bacon, potatoes etc. and offer these items to poor people to discover if they will eat more frequently or if the credit crunch has triggered some evolutionary impulse to eat less and evolve into pygmies over a few hundred generations.

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The Counter Insurgency Sleeps With The Fishes
posted by ianrthorpe
2009-03-30
This week the British Army in Iraq will hand over it’s main base to the Americans. This is the beginning of The Long Goodbye for our half of “the coalition of the willing.” Soon there will only be a skeleton force left behind our Ministry of Defence source told us.

When they say a skeleton force we hope...
CLICK HERE to read full post The Counter Insurgency Sleeps With The Fishes and more humour at Boggart Blog

There's A Chink In Our Armour (web security)
posted by ianrthorpe
2009-03-29
After recent warnings that Alkie Ada (Gordon Brown's pronunciation, not ours,) are planning attacks on the west including possibly (cue portentous chords) the use of dirty bombs, which in reality are about as dangerous as a smelly fart, it is clear the government are trying to generate fear and panic. Oo-er, that means the economic situation it a lot worse than they are...
CLICK HERE to read full post There's A Chink In Our Armour and more humour at Boggart Blog

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More News From The Girls’ School
posted by ianrthorpe @ 2009-03-28
Last week we reported on the news that girls educated in single sex schools do better academically. Our in depth analysis on the topic revealed that while girls are distracted by the macho posturing of boys and do worse overall, boys are distracted from their lessons by anything and everything but the presence of girls at least encourages them to develop such skills as using soap regularly, changing their underwear once in a while and only demonstrating their fart lighting skills in private,
Since that article was published it has come to our notice that in the Labour manifesto the people’s party declared an “aspiration” (not a target or a pledge but an aspiration) that every girl should be educated in a single sex school but no boy ever should.
It’s such a simple idea we wonder why nobody thought of it before. Single sex schools for girls, mixed schools for boys.
Education, education, education. Obviously Labour Party policy makers need much more of it.
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The Answer To All Our Problems? Midnight Basketball.
Posted by Ian
R
Thorpe
2009-03-27
One of the many negative aspects (are there any good ones?) of the so called Obama effect is the disproportionate amount of media attention being given to the utterances of every African – American from comedians and gangsta rappers to the usual suspects, the preacher – politicians. Obama overkill is hard enough to bear but the rest? They’ve been around years, what make anybody think they have anything new to say?

The latest of this ilk to come and give us British the benefit of his unique insight on the answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is The Rev. Dr. Jesse Jackson (D.Phil, University of Sendusthemoney).

The Rev Dr. was allegedly a mentor of Barack Obama in the early days of The President’s march to world domination. It is clear that Jackson was a major influence, their oratory styles show a shared penchant for incomprehensibility.

Addressing an audience Dr. Jackson of politicians and media people, Dr. Jackson told them:

“There are children of light and children of darkness: one grows tall and multiplies with fruit (most people find it easier with a calculator but each to his own), the other is stunted. The stunted one is the inferior one. It was denied the light and photosynthesis.”

This was serious stuff, absolutely vital for people entering the giant leek growing competitions so popular in coal mining areas. But surely Jesse Jackson had not come to England to talk about growing leeks. We has a little more of a clue as to his real meaning from the next nugget of wisdom:

“Children in the light are driven by hope, children in the dark are driven by fear.” (OMG he was turning into Yoda) “There is global street violence and corporate violence.” he said, “the wealthy are reprimanded, the poor go to jail.”

Reverend JJ may as well have been talking about the known unknowns and the unknown unknowns. He might even have been talking about the unknown knowns, the things we know but don’t know we know. One of the known knowns was that nobody in the audience knew what he was talking about and it seemed neither did he.

Eventually the evangelist moved on to the subject of prisons.

Prison does not work,” he said. “We have made an industry out of locking up our young men. There are a million African Americans and half a million Latinos in prison.

From there it was hard to guess where the lecture would go next. These pithy observations sounded more and more like Chance the Gardener in the film Being There, or Forrest Gump maybe. Jackson’s speech had now come to a fork in its path. One road pointed to the fact that having one and a half million people banged up was a great way of disguising how bad the unemployment had really become. The other was signposted “fiscal stimulus” as the prospect of letting loose a million and a half thieves and crooks would certainly trigger a surge in demand for cars, televisions, computers, camcorders and small, expensive, portable items as people replaced stuff that had been stolen.

Some left wing commentators had spoken of Jackson’s delivery being as mesmeric as Obama’s. it is a sad reflection of the failure of British education that journalists no longer know the difference between mesmerising and stupefying. The politicians were just too polite to interrupt.

A senior Conservative Member of Parliament was the first to break. He stopped The Reverend and reminded him that prison had worked in Boston.

“That was in a period when there was midnight basketball,” was the riposte.

Midnight basketball? Is this the answer to all the ills of our inner city communities? With bated breath the live audience and those of us listening on Radio awaited the great revelation of how Midnight basketball might work for the common good. Alas it did not come, the speaker had not finished with prisons.

“In school they got five free meals a week, in prison they get twenty – one. It’s a step up.”

Hang on a minute, wasn’t he just complaining about young men being sent to prison? So is this a suggestion that prison inmates meals be reduced to five a week? Does he want the poor lads to starve?

The second Parliamentarian’s veneer of reserve was broken. Martin Salter, a Labour MP tried to goad Jackson into condemning violent video games by asking if such pastimes made the situation worse in inner city areas. One could not help but hope for a reply to the effect that if the boys could play Midnight Basketball they would have no need to play Grand Theft Auto or shoot hos. It was not to be, Jesse had further to go into the realms of the surreal.

“ Freedom is victory over indecency, equality requires investment,” he proclaimed, continuing:” we must fight the disease with values, a lot more psychologists are needed.”

Leaving aside the obvious question, “What was he on and can we have some please,” the most fascinating issue he raised was Midnight Basketball. Everybody was mystified by it, was it something to do with a type of Urban Zen, a raised state of consciousness. Would people one day say of a great teacher “he quit crime and debauchery to devote his life to Midnight Basketball. Alternatively perhaps it was a reference to an imagined time of peace and plenty when everybody drove a Cadillac and nobody had anything to do but play Midnight Basketball. Or was it a coded reference to a forbidden pleasure in the way that in England the term French Polishing more often mean a service offered by ladies of negotiable affection that anything to do with antique furniture.

Perhaps Midnight Basketball is simply a phrase that conjures images of The Golden Age that exists in all our minds and always seems to slip from the future into the past without touching the present. In the way that Englishmen of a certain age go a bit misty when we recall the days we could take our girlfriend to town, see a show, have supper with wine in a good restaurant, be killed in a terrorist incident as we waited for a cab, have a respectable funeral and still have change out of five pounds.

All that of course was in a period when we had Midnight Cricket.

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Obama's Gift To The Taliban by ianrthorpe @ 2009-03-27
Remember that song from the Mel brooks film The Producers? Yes, THAT song:
"Springtime for Hitler and Germany..."

Well the Boggart Blog team had the idea of doing a musical to show the cuddly side of The Taliban. We were encouraged by the news of Barack Obama's exit strategy for Afghanistan this week, which pledges to send thousands of civilian advisors to that troubled country.

Thousands of unarmed non - combatants wandering around the war zones. Oh sorry it's not a war any more, its an Overseas Contingency Operation or some such thing. Even war has gone politically correct.

I don't know about springtime, The Taliban probably think Christmas has come early. We will keep you informed on progress with our new musical about the Afghan war, The Old Honky Tonk In Helmund.

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The Apprentice Is Back – Hooray! by Ian R Thorpe
@ 2009-03-26

It’s the Apprentice time again. This television series is becoming an annual celebration of the triumph of delusion over reality; the tragically ambitious, the terminally aspirational, those who were promoted beyond their level of competence the moment they were born get to entertain us with that priceless combination of arrogance and ineptitude that typifies wannabe corporate stars.

The Apprentice is “Bread and Circuses” television at its best. Oh the joy of us plebs at seeing somebody who believes truly, madly, deeply (emphasis on the ‘madly’), that they are ideally qualified to run a multinational megacorporation as they try to fathom out how a hosepipe works; the pure bliss of watching a team of would be CEOs pressure washing a luxury limo with its doors and sunroof open.

The very first task Surrealan set this years crop of Apprentices was to make money from cleaning, the sort of business venture once favoured by Boy Scouts during the quaintly named bob-a-job week (now to take account of inflation and management hyperbole renamed tenner – a – task week.)

Anyway Surrealan had ordered the teams to make money from cleaning. They chose two types of venture, a car wash and a shoe shine stand. None of these outside-the-box thinkers and business wizards thought of getting into money laundering which would have fitted nicely within the rather vaguely defined terms of reference.

If we exclude money laundering, cleaning business offers a rather narrow range of services to offer the punters. Had I been one of Surrealan’s evil henchpersons I would have advised him to widen the task definition to “cleaning and maintenance. One or two members of the women’s’ team looked as though they might have earned a tidy sum by offering a “French Polishing” service and several of the guys seemed to have great potential as pimps. As I said though, there was not much business nous on display.

The first to be fired from this new series was miserablist Anita who said she had a day job as a lawyer. We’ve only got her word for it of course, but god help any crims she defends when they get to court.

“I think Sir Alan doesn’t like lawyers,” she said as she left.

Maybe she is right but we think Surrealan takes the view that anyone who believes car washing is a better earner than money laundering or “French Polishing” does not really have far to go in business.

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New Primary Curriculum? We Hate To Twitter We Told You So.
posted by Ian R Thorpe
@ 2009-03-25

This blog has forever liked to lampoon politicians of the “New Left” (i.e. somewhat to the right of Genghis Khan) for every hypocritical duplicitous thing they do but particularly for their inept and toe curlingly embarrassing attempts to be kewl and get down with the kids. The yoof vote is not likely to be engaged by some middle aged bloke with a brush up his arse trying to rap or break dance.

If things keep going this way, we told you on umpteen occasions, the native language taught in British schools will not be English but txt.

n we wr rt 2.

The new primary schools curriculum acording to a daft, sorry; draft proposal resealed yesterday by the Department Of Education, Science and Silly Walks suggests primary school children will no longer have to study The Victorian era or World War 2 in history, nor will they need to learn basic geography. Instead they will study Twitter, Wikipedia, blogging and new media skills. And probably political correctness too.

It will come as no surprise to most readers that teachers organisations critical of the government’s education policies were excluded from the consultation process.

And what, we wonder, are our little darlings going to learn in music lessons. Tomorrow Belongs To Me perhaps?

See the clip from the film cabaret where the boy sings Tomorrow Belongs To Me the Nazi lyric of the beautiful German folk melody, growing more strident and threatening with each verse. And note the way the dog gets up and walks out at the end.

Now hear the podcast on the new curriculum, but remember lest you catch yourself thinking it all sounds quite reasonable, a dumbed down society is a controllable society.

Tommy Clod - comic verse on the failure of education [ Home ] ... [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ Comedy Menu ] ... [ Humanitas ]

It’s Official – Everything Is bad For You.
posted by Ian R Thorpe
2009-03-24

A Boggart Blog in depth analysis of recent news stories has thrown up some surprising results:

Having too much sex is bad for you; not having any sex is bad for you;

the recession is is turning us into comfort food guzzlers; the recession is causing some people to cut back on food so much they are becoming malnourished;

one or two alcoholic drinks contribute to a longer life; just one or two drinks a day will turn you into a rabid alcoholic with a liver the size of Siberia;

fat is evil, totally evil, any fat, anything in fact that you can taste will cause your arteries to fur up, your kidneys to burst, your brain to become custard, your knees to turn to jelly and your tongue to grow to big for your mouth, (Jamie Oliver eats way too much fat); fat is an essential part of your diet and even hard fats like lard and beef dripping if taken in moderation are not really harmful.

Fast food is bad for you, home cooking is bad for you unless you are fully conversant with all the bacteria that lurk in fresh food.

To understand what is a normal diet and lifestyle you must first learn New Labour Newspeak (NuLab Nuspeak), how can you be on message if you cannot understand the message. When we put it to a major fast food chain that their main product is just lips and arseholes, connective tissue, chemical colouring and flavouring and horrible greasy unhealthy shite a spokesperson for the chain asked Boggart Blog : “are you referring to our high quality, affordable meal options,”

Options? You can eat horrible greasy shite or horrible greasy shite in batter. Where’s the option to have a nice fillet steak with a butter drenched baked potato and salad? That would be an option in Boggart Blog’s dictionary.

The government of course would rather we are lentil casserole made without chilli or garlic so it did not taste good. Lentil casseroles are the epitome of healthy, joyless eating. As Oscar Wilde said (or nearly said) “An excellent cook is someone who knows how to make lentil casserole but doesn’t.

It is not just food, drink and ciggies the killjoys want to scare us away from of course. Indulging in dangerous sports can cause permanent injury resulting in people becoming permanently incapacitated and ending up a burden on society. And why should the National Health Service expend valuable resources on treating people who injure themselves in pursuit of a few minutes selfish pleasure.

According to the government which always has one eye on costs and the other on jollies and privileges taxpayers money could be better spent on, and their tame scientists who will say anything required of them to get their names in the paper, everything is bad for us.

What can we do?

Is it wise to shun all the advice and carry on as we are?

Well to put things in perspective, if the supervolcano under Yellowstone Park USA blows as it is threatening to any time now, the volcanic winter will probably wipe out must life on earth. We don’t know the volcano will blow and if it does there is damn all we can do about it.

So maybe we should just carry on making the best of our life while we have one.

Scare stories abound simply because “It’s the end of civilisation as we know it,” sells newspaper and attracts viewers to television programmes while “there really isn’t much to worry about” does not. If you want to see both sides of the argument presented objectively have a look at Panicology by Simon Briscoe and Hugh Aldersley Williams. With chapters on salt, fat, binge drinking, asteroid hits on earth, vaccines, the credit crunch and diseases of most kinds it is the best antidote to Fear and Panic you will find anywhere. Apart from Boggart Blog of course.

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Of Freedom,Wind Farms, Thunderbirds Puppets and Social Taboos.
by Ian R Thorpe
@ 2009-03-24

We are no longer allowed to think for ourselves, most regular readers of Boggart Blog will have arrived at that conclusion by thinking for themselves of course but it’s worth repeating for new visitors. Instructions on what it is permissible to think and what opinions are regularly handed down from the Ivory Towers of the Nu Labour meritocracy with the latest strictures against thinking for oneself spelled out in VERY BIG LETTERS (so Alistair Darling can read them).

Yesterday a Government Minister, the Secretary for Climate Change and Dead Parrots no less, loftily informed us all that opposing wind farms should be as socially unacceptable as not wearing seat belts or driving past a zebra crossing.

In the Boggart Blog editorial office we kind of wished the minister involved had been Ed. Balls thus giving us lots of “talking bollocks” joke opportunities. No such luck, it was in fact the other ministerial Ed case, Ed Milliband, the slightly less sinister of the Thunderbird Puppet lookalike NuLab brothers.

When, you might well ask (coz we did), when the hell did driving without a seatbelt become socially unacceptable? Or driving past a zebra crossing. Wife beating, child molesting and supporting Chelsea are socially unacceptable but driving without a seat belt? Come on. If that was socially unacceptable, along with similarly serious offences like parking badly, doing 32 mph in a 30 zone, farting in lifts, smoking a cigarette in a pub or taking more supermarket plastic bags than is absolutely necessary most of us would be ostracised.

Obviously a different set of mores and norms apply on Planet Politically Correct where New Labour supporters live. On this bizarre planet, calling for the death of all Muslims (or even saying Islam is not a very nice religion as Geert Wilders wanted to) is socially unacceptable; calling or the death of all Jews isn’t until a public fuss forces the government to act to kick out hook handed agitators. On Planet Politically Correct it is socially unacceptable to have a couple of drinks with your mates of an evening as such behaviour can only lead to alcoholism and must therefore be classed as self harm but if you are an alkie who smells of urine, gets shit faced on cheap cider and staggers around the town centre breathing offensively on people it is a cry for help.

On Planet Politically Correct prostitution is a social evil and women who do it by choice for whatever reason are to be persecuted, stigmatised and jailed. The illegal immigrants who control the really nasty side of the sex business though are treated as asylum seekers and allowed to carry on their business unmolested by the law.

Alongside all these heinous crimes it now seems that exercising our right to protest peacefully. Only last week in the news we heard of one man was arrested for chalking the word Liberty on a pavement (were the police worried people might trip over the chalk line or were the Nu Labour commissariat afraid somebody might look up the word in a dictionary. Another man, a trainspotter, was apprehended for the dangerous and subversive act of using his mobile phone to film a train arriving at a station.

And while all this was happening the Minister for Justice and The Spanish Inquisition was championing a new Bill Of Rights, a document which will at last define clearly all the things we do not have the right to do.

All in all the government is getting its message across loud and clear.

YOU MUST NEVER QUESTION AUTHORITY.

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Vonderplanitz - yeah right
by fatsally
@ 2009-03-23

You know how everyone bangs on about the daffodils blooming eartlier, wasps and bees coming out of hibernation or whatever it is they do (I can't believe they die off otherwise they must grow very quickly, we've had no end buzzing about during last week's balmy days and they're all the size of gobstoppers.)

Well I think April Fool's Day is happening sooner this year too.

I honestly can't remember where I saw this, I think it was Saturday's Times, maybe in one of the supplements

. Anyway it was commenting on the latest fad diet, which is apparently raw, rotten meat. Alleged afficionados of the regime were reporting on the health benefits, saying that it cleared up all medical conditons, from dry skin to constipation, to shingles.

The inventor of the "Primal Diet" claims it is what we would have eaten when we were neanderthal and so, therefore, is what we ought to be eating now we have evolved somewhat, don't quite follow that logic myself, but there again, apart from working out that most things in moderation seems to work fine for me I haven't invented any diets or cults so who am I to say?

One chap claims he has been on the diet for seven years and has never felt better.

He claimed it was best to start on the raw meet and then progress to the raw, rotten meat once your body has had a chance to acclimatise to the change.

And the inventor of this new fad?

A chappie who claims to be called Aajanus Vonderplanitz.

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Full Marks (and Spencers) for Wise Buys and Big Knickers.
osted by Ian R Thorpe
2009-03-23
Not long ago we reported on the plans of posh people’s supermarket Waitrose to introduce its own budget brand to compete with Tesco No Frills and Asda Smart Price. Waitrose ignore our suggestion that the new line should be called "Not Very Many Frills" and chose to call it essentials. While some of you may wonder just how essential items like Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Balsamic Vinegar, Tinned Mung Beans and budget Pate de Fois Gras actually are to your shopping basket we are more concerned to find that now Waitrose have fallen to the recession, that bastion of suburban values Marks and Spencer are to follow.

M & S are aggressively promoting their own budget brand “Wise Buys”

Shopper watching in Marks will be a good way of finding out who is truly classy and who just has pretensions. Your real quality (a) would not be seen dead in an M & S sweater and (b) would not buy a budget brand because they would be aware of the old false economy maxim, “buy chap, buy twice.” Its surprising though how many of the showiest people are cheapskates. All fur coat and no knickers as the saying goes.

Which moves us on to the wisest buy for women shopping in Marks during these chilly economic times, the best money saver of all; Big Knickers. The traditional passion killers of the past ought to be the essential underwear of the recession.

How so? Big Knickers are truly passion killers, newly unemployed people with time on their hands may find their thoughts turning to afternoon delight before the kids get home from school. If you look at the latest official figures on the cost of bringing up a child you will understand the economic benefits of sexually repellent underwear.

More on Big Knickers in Ethical Knickers For Your ?Valentine While some women find security in Big Knickers others are insulted at suggestions they need such things. While British Supermarkets batlle it out with Budget brands over in Eastern Europe they are tacking the recession in much more creative ways. CLICK HERE to go to Love For Sale With Loyalty Points read what's going on. Home ] ... [ Boggart Blog ] ... [ Comedy Menu ] ... [ Humanitas ]


...But Some Of Us Are Looking At The Stars...
posted by ianrthorpe
2009-03-23

Every now and then we will post a blog on the weirder side of life; the latest UFO sightings (Turd Nine From Outer Space) cases of Alien Abduction, reports of the Amoeba Contabulae in Did You See That, said to be the inspiration for H. P. Lovecraft's Cthulhu, the irrationalities of Big Bang theory or anything we can twist a comic thread out of.

On such occasions it is inevitable some scientific dork will turn up in the comment thread a few days later (when Google has had time to index the piece) and berate us for our gullibility in believing such unscientific nonsense. It's stange how they always miss the fact that we are a comedy blog.

If Boggart Blog does have a motto though, it is "Same Rules Apply." So perhaps someone can tell us why it is OK for "scientists" to spend ŁŁŁmillions on chasing fantasies of aliens when we are "foolish and gullible" for feigning credulity for the sake of a few jokes? Take a look at this from Today's Guardian:

Jupiter and its moon system has been visited successively by Pioneer 10 and 11, by the two Voyager spacecraft, and by a dedicated spacecraft called Galileo. These revealed something unexpected: Europa is encased in a thick sheet of ice that seems to have fractured and been repaired, again and again. That is, it looks just like sea ice on planet Earth. The fracturing and refreezing could only happen if, under the ice, there is a liquid ocean. And water could only stay liquid so far from the sun if there is a source of energy at the core of Europa.

The fundamental requirements for life seem to be water and a source of energy. So, for more than a decade, space scientists have been tantalised by the possibility that, beyond Mars, beyond the asteroid belt, and wheeling around the second biggest object in the solar system, there could be living things, sheathed in an enormous goldfish bowl, masked by dense, self-repairing ice, the creatures of a separate genesis.

Read more of the Jupiter space exploration project in today's Guardian Online.

OK so they are talking about sending a hugely expensive space probe into (cue stressy music) The Outer Limits of the solar system, we are talking about having a few glasses of Scrumpy Cider or Theakstons Old Peculiar, smoking a bit of herbal mixture, going out into the back garden and looking at the sky.

But other than the scale of the operation where's the difference?

Boggart Blog UFO posts
Boggart Blog alien posts
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Supersize Snacks (make Scooby Snack like like health food)
by ianrthorpe 2009-03-21
We are always going on about Nanny State wagging her finger at our little pleasures like the occasional pies I enjoy or fatsally's chocolate. And we're right to feel peeved....
CLICK HERE to read Supersize Snacks at boggart Blog

Ronald McDonald To Teach Australians Maths
posted by ianrthorpe
2009-03-21

The crisis in the maths class seems to grow ever worse. The latest news from the blackboard jungle down under shows that so great is the dearth of maths teachers in schools and the complete indifference of the pupils to the endlessly fascinating mysteries of pi or the occultism of quadratic equations, Ronald McDonald has been recruited by...
CLICK HERE to read Ronald McDonald To Teach Australians Maths and more great humour at Boggart Blog

Barack Obama's Teleprompter's Blog
posted by ianrthorpe
2009-03-21
– 17:25:36 More and more Americans, even some of the kool - aid drinking Democrats who signed up to the Cult Of The Obamessiah, are starting to notice that the "intellectual president" or as some would say "the great communicator" becomes a gibbering imbecile when he is more than a few feet from... CLICK HERE to read Barack Obama's Teleprompter's Blog and more great humour at Boggart Blog Dropped Crotch Fashion Disaster
posted by ianrthorpe
2009-03-20
Not long ago on an American blog I contribute to occasionally I referred to that bizarre fashion among young American males for wearing trousers five sizes too big so that when these young guys walk down the street their bum cleaveage shows and the arse piece of their pants drags on...
CLICK HERE to read full post Dropped Crotch Fashion Disaster and more great humour at Boggart Blog



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