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Boggart Blog is now in its 4th year of bringing the best of British satire to the web. This article looks at televisions reality game show The Apprentice now halfway through its season. The usual stereotypes are emerging among the contestants, the obligatory loudmouth, sneak, backstabber, gobshite, airhead, slapper and bitch are all there as well as the girl who is competent but too nice to win and the tosser who is incompetent but enough of a bastard to win.
Keywords: satire, humour, humor, apprentice, business, breakfast cereal, television
Creative Commons: Some rights reserved (non commercial, attrib, no derivs.
All reproductions in whole or in part should link to Greenteeth Multi Media Productions http://www.greenteeth.com/index [...] e-mail: edbuttuk@yahoo.com


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Breakfast With The Apprentices
Ian R Thorpe
23 Apr 2009

The Apprentice rolls on oblivious of the budget, Britain's Got Talent and Barack Obama. Some might suggest that is because it was recorded several months ago but we at Boggart Blog would never stoop so low as to suspect Surrealan of being involved in such a deception. Trust us the programme goes out live in real time and is not edited at all. Next week's task for The Apprentices is to convince sceptics that pigs really can fly.

The usual stereotypes are emerging among the contestants, the obligatory loudmouth, sneak, backstabber, gobshite, airhead, slapper and bitch are all there as well as the girl who is competent but too nice to win and the tosser who is incompetent but enough of a bastard to win.

Last night the task facing the mediocre mob was to launch a new breakfast cereal that would blow rivals out of the water (a cereal killer - oh dear, I'll bet I'm not the first person to do that joke today.)

One team came up with a cereal made of nuts, raisins, cranberries, bran flakes, gravel and sawdust i.e. the same stuff as any commercial brand of museli which they branded "Wake up Call." as in wake up to the joys of a Bacon McMuffin and get yourself to the fast food place. The other team decided as pirates were "very popular right now" (it does go out live, it REALLY does, trust us) and parrots are always popular they would go for a pirate parrot theme. The idea seemed to be a dead parrot but somehow the team came up with a good name, Treasure Flakes.

Once the brand name was created the teams had to create their Tony the Tiger killer. The Treasure Flakes team came up with Captain Squawk, a pirate parrot, not a type of parrot found in Somalia we hasten to point out, this species is native to Hollywood cartoon studios. They had a rubber Captain Squawk suit made up and in the shrewdest move of the whole exercise put the gobshite inside it.

The other team went down another familiar route. Their character was a superhero, Pantsman who, like superman, Batman and John Major wears his pants outside his trousers. Well it's how they get their superpowers. Pantsman had an advertising jingle too, Dance In Your Pants, which sounds more like something teenage girls would do of a Friday night than younger kids would get into on weekday mornings.

The adverts were the main topic at the Boggart Blog editorial meeting this morning. We decided the only way to sell Wake Up Call was to hire Gene Hunt from Ashes to Ashes to say "This cereal is pants but its cheap so buy some and threaten your kids with extreme physical pain until they eat it."

Saving a product that advertises it is pants would be a tough task even for Gene we though so we agreed with Surrealan and the non Somali pirate parrot won for the team led by the girl I suspected was both the slapper and the airhead but who is emerging as a contender. To check that the decision was right we asked the Boggart Blog pirating correspondent Black Jack Baaastard what he would eat for breakfast, Wake Up Call or Treasure Flakes.

He replied Spaniards, Revenue Men and Virgins. Oh well, it will take more than a catchy jingle to persuade some people.

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