1 August 2009 Do it Yourself Cosmetic Surgery.
by Ian R Thorpe

Have you ever hear of or been presented with something that makes you scream: “Oh no, I’d rather stick needles in my eyes.” In my case these moments usually occur in connection with food. Bananas, beetroot, tripe, anything to do with offal, Baxter’s Country Vegetable Soup which, for those unfamiliar with the brand, looks like a bowl of warm vomit; the thought of eating any of these give me a feeling of nauseous loathing that makes the idea sticking needles in my eyes seem the better option. Such stuff was never meant...
READ ALL Do It Yourself Cosmetic Surgery at Boggart Blog

2009-07-31
The Crackfart Of The Financial Firmament.
by Ian R Thorpe

I love that word “crackfart” don’t you? They certainly knew how to turn a fine insult in the eighteenth century. Crackfart is like “gobshite” which I have always used but I’ve been fancying a change. So who is “The crackfart of the financial firmament” you might... READ ALL The Crackfart Of The Financial Firmament at Boggart Blog

2009-07-29
Are we nearly there yet?
by Cleo Hart

So, summer is here and people are setting off on holiday to see new places, experience new cultures, or just catch a bit of sun (that yellowy-orange - or sometimes brown, depending on where you live - thing that sets in the sky about 4pm in December...remember it?)

When I was little, we used to go to South Wales, which is a long, vomit inducing drive to a car-sick 7 year old. Later we used to drive to France...
READ ALL Are We Nearly There Yet at Boggart Blog

29 July 2009 Climate Change my arse.
by Ian R Thorpe
So the long hot summer they predicted in June is going to be another short cold summer. It's funny how these science dudes keep telling us how...READ ALL Climate Change My Arse at Boggart Blog

28 July 2009
Still Topless in St Trop.
by Ian R Thorpe

A trend noted with glee by feminist writers in The Guardian is that women are covering up more on Mediterranean beaches. They say many more women are now prepared to go topless. Being female Guardian writers they proclaim this is a great victory for feminism as women are at last learning they do not have to conform to...READ ALL Still Topless in St Trop. ay Boggart Blog

28 July 2009
Blesséd Are The Cheesemakers Of Outer Space
by Ian R Thorpe
Is there something going on with cheesemakers this week, national farmhouse cheesemaking week or something? Twice in the past two days I have seen items on television news about cheesemakers. Now you don’t expect to hear much about cheesemakers in the normal run of things, their job is not to make news but to make cheese and they just... READ ALL ABOUT The Cheesemakers Of Outer Space

27 July 2009 Adrenaline Junkies (sport-formula1-car-racing)
by ianrthorpe

The task of commenting on the events surrounding a Formula One Grand Prix usually falls to Sally, she being the family petrolhead in chief (Our bro. Graham drives a diesel and I have come to the view that “getting out more” is vastly overrated) but in the case of yesterday’s race in Hungary it is my duty to comment on a very unwelcome

READ ALL Adrenaline Junkies at Boggart Blog

26 July 2009
Labour's Loonytoons by Election Team
by Ian R Thorpe

Newcomer to the Boggart Blog political bloggers list Sharpe's Opinion explains why political pundits were so badly wrong with their predictions of Norwich North by election result...READ ALL labour's Loonytoons by Election Team

25 July 2009
Road Tax Cash Spent On S & M Dominatrices.
by Ian R Thorpe @ 2009-07-26

The Labour leadership, somewhat pointlessly in view of the by election result in Norwich,is mumbling threateningly about creating new road taxes on a pay per mile basis. The plan is to to punish us for using our cars rather than ... READ ALL Road Tax Cash Spent On S&M Dominatrices

Blind Dog Gets A Guide Dog
by Ian R Thorpe

Border Collie Clyde is totally blind. The chances of living a full and satisfying life can be quite restricted for a blind dog. Finding trees, gatesposts or...READ ALL Blind Dog Gets Guide Dog at Boggart Blog

24 July 2009
Green Power Debate: Milliband vs Adonis, Fuckwittery Of The First Order.
by ianrthorpe
2009-07-24

Gordon brown seems determined to stick to his already discredited policy of trying to make himself look good by only appointing fuckwits to serve in his cabinet. He is fooling nobody. Instead of thinking, “Wow, Old Gordon really is an intellectual giant every time the likes of Chris Bryant, Harriet Harridan or Andy Burnham open their stupid mouths people are more likely to ask, “Who hired these fuckwits... READ FULL POST Green Power Debate: Fuckwittery Of The First Order at Boggart Blog Old Dogs and New Tricks
by ianrthorpe
2009-07-24

A lot of people in the media are expressing puzzlement at the success of creaky copper TV series New Tricks. Why, they ask, when many shiny, glossy new trendy television series with galaxies...
READ ALL Old Dogs - New Tricks at Boggart Blog 23 July 2009 Pretender To The Inheritance
by fatsally
2009-07-23

News yesterday that a Norwegian boy could be Michael Jackson's fourth child. There was a picture of the two together, and yes.... READ ALL Pretender To The Inheritance

22 July 2009 Catastrophe in Space; Lembit Opik Collides With Jupiter
by Ian R Thorpe
2009-07-22

An even that took place almost unnoticed on Sunday could have a profound effect on the fate of humanity. It was a cataclysmic cosmic collision of the kind many people believed wiped out the dinosaurs on Earth 60 million years ago and which space watchers predict could in the near future bring to a similar end the era of human domination.

Last Sunday as America watched veteran golfer Tom Watson fail in his effort to travel back in time and win a major golf tournament and Britain, Australia and most of the Indian sub continent were glued to the television watching cricket, Liberal, Democrat MP Lembit Opik collided with the gaseous planet Jupiter....
READ FULL POST Lembit Opik Collides With Jupiter t Boggart Blog

[ Home ] ... [ Comedy Menu ] ... [ Boggart Blog ] 21 July 2009 The Moon Landing and the Earth Landing
Ian R Thorpe

Yesterday was the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, humankind’s greatest achievement according to some, a cold war dick swinging exercise and colossal...
READ FULL POST Moon Landing and Earth Landing at Boggart Blog

21 July 2009-1
Crusty Old Wives Tales, There's Something In Them After All...
by fatsally

Remember when you were knee high to a boggart and your mother and your grandma seemed to spend all their time trying to get you to eat the disgusting bits of food you really couldn't be bothered with? Egg white,( I have to confess for me it was the whole egg ) pastry, anything... READ ALL Crusty Old Wives Tales at Boggart Blog

21 July 2009-2
Swine Flu MP Misses An Opportunity.
by Ian R Thorpe
2009-07-21

The MP for Denton and Reddish, Andrew Gwynne, has become the first Member of Parliament to be infected by the Swine Flu (or H1N1 virus if we’re being picky)

Mr. Gwynne has claimed sick leave from his Parliamentary duties and promised colleagues he will not return to Westminster until he is fully recovered.

He might think he has behaved responsibly but as the Swine Flu death toll grows your Boggart Bloggers feel he has missed a golden opportunity to do the public a great service.

RELATED POSTS: The Bat Cave Is Closed Due To A Virus
Swine Flue Spreads Fear And Panic
20 July 2009
Puffin Up The Power Of Sat – Nav Technology
by Ian R Thorpe
2009-07-20

The world has a lot of trust issues right now. We have all known forever you just can’t trust politicians. Neither can you trust bankers,lawyers, investment advisors, pensions salesmen, estate agents, accountants or anyone else claiming they want to help you make money without getting caught doing something....
READ FULL POST Puffin Up The Power Of Sat Nav

18 July 2009
On A Wing And A Cheap Ticket
An attempt by two British women to establish a world wing walkiing record this week proved successful...
READ ALL On a Prayer and a Cheap Ticket

17 July 2009
A Rare Outbreak Of Sanity
2009-07-17
Amid all the kerfuffle in the past week about Afghanistan. What with the increase in casualties, Gordon Brown calling for more troops to be sent (but not allocating the money to send any), the senior officers saying... CLICK HERE to find out hat is going on and what the outbreak of sanity means.

A sex industry entrepreneur in Berlin is offering
READ ALL Shagged Out Cyclists at Boggart Blog

15 July 2009
Heather Mills McCartney On A Mission

It had to happen. Ubermentalist Heather Mills has managed to put herself back in the public eye. This time instead of slagging off Paul McCartney, waving her leg about or talking about milking rats to feed...Click Button to open full post in a new window

Boggart Blog

9 July 2009
Rat Arsed Badger
by Ian R Thorpe

There are many good reasons for keeping away from booze. Badgers for example can turn very nasty when they have had one too many

The news this morning was full of a story about scientists at Newcastle University having made human sperm in the laboratory.

Now with so much organically grown sperm available all around the world you might well ask why in hell anyone in their right mind would want to create sperm in a laboratory when they can just have a wank.

We are dealing with scientists here though and there are seldom any rational explanations for why scientists do the things they do. And its no good asking. If you were to ask one of the scientists "why do you want to create sperm in the laboratory" they would look at you pityingly and say "you just don't understand science."

Not understanding science seems a good place to be however. While all the science heads were leaping up and down and yelling "Whoopeeeee, we've created sperm" and busily splashing it all over the front page of the Guardian (the news, not the erm...) people who spend most of their lives looking through at real, non - scientific, normally ejaculated sperms had looked through their computer monitors at the video the Newcastle team had posted on You Tube and said, "Hold on, these aren't sperm, they look a bit like sperm but they don't move like sperm, they don't think like sperm and they can't answer three simple questions any elf respecting sperm would know the answer to.

So it turns out the scientists have not created sperm at all, they just exaggerated their results and ended up with egg on their faces. Which is nice.

Coming soon to a news agent near you, The 99, a legion of Muslim superheroes who represent the ninety nine attributes of Allah and are ready to do battle with the forces of evil in he cause of truth, justice and...
CLICK HERE to read full post Is It A Bird? It It A Plane? Is It Superman? No It's Supermuslim

7 July 2009 Shock Revelation: Obama and Michael Jackson Are The Same Person.
by Ian R Thorpe
2009-07-07

Breaking News from the Boggart Blog Conspiracy Theory Department.

As fans gathered in Los Angeles to pay a tearful farewell to their hero, the self – proclaimed King Of Pop Michael Jackson (tickets $2000 each - no concessions) the mourners were shaken by the latest revelation from the Boggart Blog conspiracy theory investigators tasked with delving into the mysteries surrounding the death of the

Generation excess strikes again.
Remember those booze and weed soaked halcyon days of your mis-spent youth?
Parties, pub crawls, all day drinking sessions?
Waking up next to...CLICK HERE to read full Scary Willie Story
Is That A catamaran In Your pocket Or Are You Pleased To See Me?
by fatsally
2009-07-06 on Boggart Blog

A man From Guangzhou, China has had one of his penises removed.
Alright I know it's Monday morning and we're all still comatose from probably the most ...
CLICK HERE to read full post Is That A Catamaran In Your Pocket

Bubbles Learns Of Jackson's Death
by fatsally
2009-07-04
In all the furore over whether the late Mr. Jackson was bald/emaciated/drugged up to the eyeballs or healthy/hirsute/full of life and vitality nobody has given a thought to poor Bubbles, Michaels former pet chimp, whom he used to....CLICK HERE to read all Bubbles Learns Of Jackson's Death

Muslim Dentist Omar Butt Makes An Arse Of Himself
by Ian R Thorpe
2009-07-03
Omar Butt, a Muslim dentist who worked at the Unsworth smile clinic like Muslim women to be “modestly dressed” when they turned up to have their teeth done. We don’t know if Omar was ever a member of the boy scouts but he was certainly...CLICK HERE to real all Muslim Dentist Makes An Arse Of Himself
Microsoft IE8 and the worst advert ever
by ianrthorpe
2009-07-02
I was looking for something easy today, a link to something funny maybe. It seemed like Father Christmas, The Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy had all arrived at once when I found an item that promised...CLICK HERE to read Microsift IE8 and the worst ad ever

Spare A Thought For Farrah Fawcett
by ianrthorpe
2009-07-01
In all the furore over the death of old putty nose which has dominated the news we completely overlooked the passing of poor Farrah Fawcett. It's a pity she was overshadowed because a famous wall poster of her, much loved by... CLICK HERE to read Spare A Thought For Farrah Fawcett 30 June 2009
High Flyin' Sqirrels by fatsally @ 2009-06-30
Cleo Hart tells us of the wallabies high on opium, but what are the suirrels doing these days? I don't know if anyone else has noticed but they do seem to be falling out of their trees onto busy roads rather a lot lately. There were at least six on a two mile stretch of... CLICK HERE to read High Flyin' Sqirrils

They're Jumping On Our Michael Jackson Bandwagon
by Ian R Thorpe
2009-06-30
It had to happen. Afer the Boggart Blog exclusive last Saturday that brought you news of how and why Michael Jackson faked his own death because...CLICK HERE to read Jumping On Our Michael Jackson Bandwagon

29 June 2009
The World Will End Soon - So Check Your Insurance Cover
Ian R Thorpe

Bloggging gets to be more fun day by day. It's entirely coincidental that Cleo today posted a report on Wallabies in Tasmania making crop circles while being controlled by aliens but sometimes the blogosphere can be very serendiptitious (is that a word or have I been inhaling hallucinogenic pollens out in the garden?)

My post today concerns the end of the world which according to people who claim...CLICK HERE to read full post The World Will End Soon

High Flyin' Sqirrels
by fatsally

Cleo Hart tells us of the wallabies high on opium, but what are the suirrels doing these days?
I don't know if anyone else has noticed but they do seem to be falling out of their trees onto busy roads rather a lot lately.
There were at least six on a two mile stretch of the A628 this morning. And they didn't appear to be... CLICK HERE to read all High Flyin' Squirrils

28 June 2009
Strewth! The Wallabies Have Been At The Opium Again!
by Cleo Hart
first posted on Boggart Blog 2009-06-29

Crop circles have been making headlines again this year, with a new series appearing in Wiltshire. Now, of course, you and I know that crop circles are created by extra terrestrials from outer space, and this is their way of communicating with us. The latest series in Wiltshire, when decoded by experts, tells us that...

It is inevitable that people would quickly start to claim Michael Jackson is not really dead. It happened with Buddy Holly, Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin who all found it possible to be dead, dead famous and at the same time evade the all seeing eye of the media. But at Boggart Blog we like to go a step further and so we will reveal why Whacko Jacko and his handlers decided death was the only way left to salvage the singer's stalled career.

...but instead, he opted for the route signposted 'Nut Job'.

I am, of course, talking about Michael Jackson, although I'm not suggesting he was a bum...just a nut job. At the risk of upsetting members of my family, immediate fellow bloggers and potentially everyone in the world, I feel compelled to write about this today. This is as much of a suprise to me as it may be to anyone...

A Tasteful Tribute To Michael Jackson
As the media hype machine goes into overdrive and celebrity gossip talking heads witter vacuously about a "Diana moment" and a "spontaneous

25 June 2009 A Career In Substance Abuse? Sounds Just The Job...
There are some weird jobs advertised in the public sector but a full page in a newspaper recruitment supplement dedicated to careers in substance abuse deminded investigation
Click Button to open

One of Boris Johnson's sidekicks has been forced to resign after being caught out claiming dinners with his lover on his London Assembly business expenses:

“Ian Clement, Deputy Mayor for Government and External Relations, has resigned from the Greater London Authority (GLA) with immediate effect. He tendered his resignation to the Mayor of London this morning following the discovery of further discrepancies in the use of his corporate credit card."

I reckon it's the lover that dobbed him in.

If only Mr. Clement had invested in a copy of my book "Ageing Roue's guide to playing away from home," Rule one states quite clearly; Never allow your lover to think you regard her as a business expense.

The book in mentioned the post is fictional but you can invest in The Best Of Boggart Blog, Vol 1 at our Lulu Publishing storefront

23 June 2009 Like A Ferret Up A Drainpipe!
by ianrthorpe

Anyone else see the television pictures from parliament of the election of a new speaker for the House of Commons? Tradition demands that the new speaker... CLICK HERE to read Like A Ferret Up A Drainpipe

.

It was quite a surprise today to learn that 85% of the people who visit the website of Jordan (aka Katie Price) are women. A disturbingly high proportion are in fact young women hoping to pick up some tips on how to become a professional tits out for the boys model. These girls see the pneumatic Ms. Price as a role model whose example will guide and inspire them in their quest to make £millions by getting unfeasibly large breasts, a botox face and a trout pout.

Of the men who do hit Jordan’s page most are looking for older pictures when the plastic passionella looked slightly human. Not many men are interested in Miss Chavvy (2009 version).

There is a valuable lesson for Jordan wannabees in that. Blokes are not that turned on by the idea of feeling up sacks of silicon or kissing collagen hard lips. There is no warmth or allure in a botulin smile no matter how much its owner is being paid for revelations about her body functions in OK magazine.

Go down the road Jordan has taken and soon the only men available will be Peter Andre duhalikes.

You have been warned.

It has been reported by the gutter press that television talent show Britain's Got Talent runner up Susan Boyle is planning to launch her own designer label on a range of sexy lingerie. Susan, who you may remember, cracked under the pressure of fame and spent some time in the Priory Clinic undergoing therapy is now being looked after by Simon Cowell's production company pSyCo (oops, that p was a typing error) A Spokesman for SyCo said "we are not allowing Susan to be pressured. She is not used to the glare of publicity and does not like to say no when people ask for her time. We are making sure Susan only has to do things she feels comfortable with."

And what Susan feels comfortable with apparently is helping the women of the world rediscover the sexual allure of big tartan tweed knickers.

She told a Boggart Network News reporter yesterday "Och, lassies hae no use fae these wee thongs. Gi a girl a pair o' big knickers and she can hae any mon she desires." Having imparted that wisdom Susan demonstrated her lascivious hip swivelling technique which she claims when performed by a girl in big knickers is irresistibe to man, goat and Piers Morgan.

The Subo Seduction range will not entirely do away with the thong though. By sewing a merkin that resembles a cross between a brillo pad and a mad mulah's beard to the frontpiece of a standard thong and then stitching the whole to a flesh coloured pair of Susan's favourite big knickers it is possible, she says, to create the "naked look." But why?

"A girl wouldnae want tae gae commando of a nicht in Scotland she told our reporter with another swing of her ample hips.

When we asked SyCo if it was true Susan planned to launch the range their spokesperson refused to comment.

Would You Let This Man Near You With A Tattooists Needle?
by fatsally
@ 2009-06-17

An eighteen year old French girl is attempting to sue the tattooist who tattooed 56 stars from above the bridge of her nose, down the left side of her face to her chin and across her left cheek back to her nose.

The girl claims she asked the Belgian tattooist for just three stars at the corner of her left eye, making the request in her native French and also repeating the number in English, because she thought he hadn't understood.

She then allegedly fell asleep in the chair and when she awoke she was doing a good impersonation of the Milky Way.

It all sounds a bit dubious to me, after all just like three and fifty six don't sound remotely similar, neither do trois and quarant-seize and French and Belgian aren't that dis-similar.

The tattoist claims she got exactly what she asked for and was awake the whole time.

However would you trust a man who is tattooed from the the top of his forehead all down his face and throat, who has two large plugs in either ear and also two plugs in the side of each nostril, plus a ring through his septum?

And that's before you encounter the four studs through his top lip and the seven rings through his bottom lip, making him look like Hannibal Lecter wearing his muzzle.