How To Make Exploding Gravy For Your Christmas Dinner Of Mass Destruction
by ianrthorpe @ 2008-12-23 - 18:20:49
When we featured yesterday’s top News Story, the government’s warning about the dangers of exploding gravy, we thought it would be irresponsible to reveal how to make this very dangerous mixture. In all our three years of Boggart Blogging however there hs never been such a positive response to an article. It seems you all want exploding gravy on your Christmas dinner.
The method we describe will make a thick, rich, tasty gravy with...
read full post: How to make exploding gravy
Holding Out For A Hero
by fatsally @ 2008-12-22 - 19:36:17
A few years ago Mr. Cadbury and Mr. Rowntree-Nestle both had a wonderful idea of making their best selling chocolate bars in miniature, Heroes and Celebrations respectively, and weren't they lovely? Fair knocked Roses and Quality Street off their long held perch at the top of the Christmas best sellers list.
And why not. It was a wonderful idea, you got a mini Crunchie, it tasted just like a Crunchie, when you....
read full post : Holding Out For A Hero
Turd Nine From Outer Space, Beer Standard Economics, Sarkozy Voodoo Doll and other whacky stuff...
In the past couple of months I have been positioning my British publication Boggart Blog and its International edition Boggart Network News to challenge the global media conglomorates as the news source of choice for people who prefer fun to facts. I now plan to bring a roundup of our daily posts to gather to keep in touch and hopefully spread a little laughter. Full posts for all these clips appear on Boggart Blog, follow the links to read them. And remember, you are only ever a mouseclick away from a Boggart.
Here is another selection of hilariois, ironic, surreal and just plain whacky Boggart Blog posts that turn a satirical eye on many topics.
Sarkozy Voodoo Doll Goes On Sale:
A voodoo doll that looks like French President Nicolas Sarkozy has gone on sale. The doll, which we expect to be the first in a range of similar products depicting well known politicians and celebrities, is sold with a supply of pins for sticking in its body and an instruction manual, The beginners Guide To Voodoo. <strong>Read full post</strong> Sarkozy Voodoo Doll Goes On Sale
Iceland Queen's Celebrity Meltdown On Television:
We intellectuals at Boggart Blog do not normally take much notice of daytime television but my wife drew my attention to This Morning this morning. Snatching the paper from my grasp she said urgently,
"Look at this, look at this, she's drunk. half past ten in the morning and she's drunk."
When Teri gets excited enough to remove my morning paper whatever she is telling me to look at is worth looking at.
What we were seeing was former Atomic Kitten* and Queen of the Jungle and a hundred Iceland ads Kerry Katona in a celebrity meltdown to rival that of Heather Mills McCartney on the same show...Read Full Post Iceland Queen's Celebrity Meltdown On Television at Boggart Blog.
*Atomic Kitten were a mediocre sort of girlband in the 1990s. Kerry was the one who had big boobs but couldn't carry a tune even if someone put it in a bag for her.
Sex Education For Scouts - Some People Never Learn:
I was reading an opinion article yesterday banging on, no pun intended, about the Scout movement's decision to introduce sex education to it's meetings.
The writer was suggesting that perhaps there is too much sex education and kids are just bored by it.
Well he could be right, as with all subjects in primary school it is visited and re-visited year after year, repeating the same things and perhaps adding a little extra information to cater to the growing understanding of the child...Read full post Some People Never Learn at Boggart Blog.
The Beer Standard - Now That's What I Call Economics:
The Economic situation may not be as bad as you think.
Years ago the world economy was based on the gold standard, every mark or frank or buck or a pound (cue song: tum tiddle um tiddle um tum tum) was worth a specified amount of gold. A pound was worth maybe a pea sized bit of gold, a frank guaranteed you a grain of rice sized lump of gold and a lira would be worth, on a good day, a grain of salt sized lump of gold. It sounds clunky but it worked quite well. Everybody knew what their money and investments were really worth compared to the price of fish... Find out how the beer Standard works to control national economies at The Beer Standard - Now That's What I Call Economics
The UFO Files Turd Nine From Outer Space:
More files on incidents involving UFOs (Unclassified Fun Opportunities) were released by the Ministry of Defence this week and these contain some stories that are very difficult to ascribe to overindulgence in Scrumpy Cider, Theakstons Old Peculiar or recreational phamaceutical products.
One of the most mysterious is the 1991 spate of sightings. In the most reliable report the pilot of an Alitalia jet on its final approach to Heathrow noticed his plane was being buzzed by a long, thin, wingless brown object...Read full post of Turd Nine From Outer Space at Boggart Blog.
Claaaaassss At - ten - sun. Military Conservatives to bring Military Discipline to Schools
1 October 2008
posted by : fatsally
The Conservatives have unveiled their plans for education, should they be elected. These include the proposal that ex service personnel be encouraged to become teachers.
I think this is a brilliant idea, it would surely put an end to the discipline problems in schools.
Read how the Conservatives military discipline will benefit pupils and teachers
It's The Pits
29 September 2008
posted by fatsally
I have for many years been complaining about the lack of excitement in Formula 1 motor racing. My biggest bugbear has long been the pit stops, which the dear, deluded commentators keep telling us are 'really exciting', when in fact they have become so predictable and boring, four guys changing the tyres, yawn, not even as fit as a Kwik-Fit fitter!
However, it seems the powers that be are determined to sex up F1.
read how the pits will make racing interesting again
Austrian Nannies Take Babies To Vote
28 September 2008
posted by : ianrthorpe
This week’s election in Austria is the first election in Europe to extend voting rights to sixteen year olds.
There have been moves to extend voting rights to tenagers in other nations but these have been scuppered by teenagers themselves, when asked for whom they might vote the young people replied:
“What does it matter, nobody understands me anyway.”
More about giving the vote to teenagers...
The Latest Must Have? Lav Nav.
25 September 2008
posted by : ianrthorpe
Most interesting speech of the Labour Conference was made by Minister for Community Affairs and Smurfing, Hazel Blears. The motorbike riding MP is campaigning to restore our right to spend a penny. This is not some anti - inflation initiative but a plan to rebuild and reopen public toilets.
The public lav used to be an integral part of community life...
find out how the lav will be revived
The Wombles of Wombleton
25 September 2008
posted by : fatsally
When I was younger and we went for day trips in the family Ford Zephyr I used to get confused as to where we were. We'd end up in Penrith and there wouldn't be a welsh hat in sight. It took a good deal of patient explaining that Penrith was in Cumberland and I was probably thinking of Penryn, in Wales.
I still think Penrith sounds too Welsh to be English...
find out where Wombleton is and other mysteries of English place names
The Death Of A Clown - Bush's Last U.N. Gig
24 September 2008
posted by : ianrthorpe
He has been the world’s top stand up comedian for the past eight years but the curtain is about to come down on the career of George W Bush. The talent who gave us so many catchphrases...
(read Boggart Blog review of Bush's last UN Gig)
Not The Sunday Morning News
21 September 2008
posted by: fatsally
Front page of one of the screaming red tops was a picture of a wide eyed George Michael with the headline,
GEORGE MICHAEL ON CRACK
Star arrested in toilet in park at 2am
Well hell, is the pope catholic?
It really does raise the question of whether it was an anatomical crack or the chemical kind.
(find out the answer at Boggart Blog)
Palin's Resistible March To The Presidency
20 September 2008
posted by ianrthorpe
Who would have thought just three short weeks ago when Sarah Palin became John McCain’s surprise choice of running mate that we were witness to the start of the most spectacular political success story since Genghis Khan.
Evidence is emerging from the VeePeeNominee’s hacked e-mails that her ascent from Pit-bull kissing Moose wrestling small town mayor to being Governor of Alaska and a heartbeat away from The White House is the result of a carefully prepared and executed masterplan.
Read the full story of Sarah Palin's plot to seize the Presidency.
Boggart Blog International Talk Like A Pirate Day Special
19 september 08
posted by: ianrthorpe
Just in case any of you think Talk Like A Pirate Day is a hoax, here's a link to their web page:
"http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html">Talk Like A Pirate Day There's another at the end of the post.
There seems to be a bit of a kerfuffle going on in the street outside the Boggart Blog editorial office. Better see what’s up I suppose.
That’s strange, it looks as if a group of very angry people are chasing a man wearing fancy dress, a pirate outfit. In fact it looks like…it can’t be…it isn’t…it is, it’s our old Pirate chum Black Jack Bastard.......
Find out what happened to Black Jack and read full post
keywords : bankers : pirate : fun : humour
Ello Ello Ello, Who's Engine Is Running here Then
posted by: fatsally
17 sep 08
Did you know it is ilegal to leave the engine running on your car when you are statioanary for more than two minutes?
I recently completed a survey for DVLC or whatever they are called now, and was asked that question.
I replied that yes I did know that but only if you leave the car unattended, like nipping into the shop to buy a packet of fags.
"Not so," replied the bod at the other end of the phone line, "even if you are in the car, if you leave the engine idling while stationary you are liable to a £20 fine."
He then asked me if I thought this was a reasonable amount to fine people. Can't quite remember what I said, but read full post
keywords: cars : driving : law : news : police : humour
Creationist Scientist Is Victim Of A Witch Hunt.
17 september 09
posted by ian
From our science & religion correspondent Max Mindwarp.
When Prof. Michael Reiss, Director of Education for the Royal Society, Britain’s foremost mutual masturbation club for scientists, suggested that science teachers should be prepared to discuss creationist ideas in class as they represent an alternative world view to Darwinism he was immediately immersed in controversy...
To learn what happened to the creationist scientis read full post
keywords: religion : science : news : humour
Sick notes! Get Yer Sick Notes
16 sep 08
posted by: ian
It may seem unlikely you will see a pitcher on the local market knocking out sick notes in bundles like this :
" Twenty five quid for an official two week sick note is a better price than you'll get anywhere so It would be fair if I offered two for £40. But I don't want to stop at fair, I want to spoil you so for two sick note I'm not going to ask forty pounds, not even thirty five or thirty. I will sell you two sick notes for twenty five pounds. Two notes, four weeks on sick, twenty five pounds anyone? You sir, there you go. Are you happy with your bargain? Coz I'm not. I don't believin in robbing people so I'm going to throw in a pre-stamped prescription, just fill in your own drug of choice.
Well not yet maybe. Sick notes and prescriptions have been on sale in any downmarket pub for years of course but the trade was rather more discreet.
Now however we learn the NHS fraud squad is investigating a website that sells fake doctors’ sick notes for £25 each. The documents are almost identical to a genuine letter from a GP or hospital, and are printed with real Doctors’ names a feature notes that are stamped and signed. The site, doctorsnotestore.com says it can deliver the fake certificates within 48 hours. A spokesman for the NHS fraud squad said selling sick notes is not illegal, but using them to receive payment is.
Some people think the web is at the cutting edge of every social development but those of us who have a life away from our computers know where the wasters lead the webbies follow at a safe distance.
More humour every day. Check out Boggart Blog on the NHS
Women in politics should be taken more seriously
15 sep 08
posted by: ian
A few days ago Labour home Secretary Jaqui Smith complained about women in politics not being taken seriously enough. Obviously as the CEO of Greenteeth Multi Media, parent company of Boggart Blog and Boggart Network News is female water spirit Jenny Greenteeth, equality is an issue we take seriously. As this subject can only be properly dealt with by a senior journalist with a certain gravitas, we asked our managing editor Ian Thorpe to interview Miss Smith.
As the Home Secretary is not very attractive he decided instead to interview Liberal Democrat hottie Jo. Swinson.
Miss Swinson, thanks for agreeing to talk to Boggart Blog, love the shoes BTW, Jimmy Choo?
Dolce et Gabanna actually but I thought we were going to talk about the lack of respect in politics for women’s abilities.
Quite, but I’m trying to create an ambience that will help readers engage with you. May I call you Jo?
If you must.
OK Jojo babe, my first question is…
Just a minute, what did you call me? Jojo babe.
I thought it would sound friendly and informal. Shall I stick to Jo.
I think I’d prefer that. And let’s stick to women in politics shall we?
No prob Joj… Jo, now the first question I’d like to ask is has anybody ever told you what a great body you have?
Apologies to Jo Swinson M.P. BTW, an excellent representative for her constituency, East Dunbartonshire – but if you want to check out for yourselves if she is really Parliament’s most sizzling super stunna or if you’d rather date either of two other media friendly camera magnets, check out the trio of Lib – Dem lovelies, Jo, Lynne Featherstone (Hornsey and Wood Green – oo-er missis, did they put Lovely Lynne up for such a horny sounding constituency deliberately) and Julia Goldsworthy (Falmouth and Cambourne) visit this photofeature in The Sun.
More humour every day. Check out Boggart Blog on politics.
Conspiracy? What Conspiracy?
14 Sep 08
posted by: Ian
Canada’s Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, has ordered his election campaign team to edit parts of a Conservative Party web site that showed a puffin defecating on his Liberal Party rival, Stephane Dion. Speaking at a vegetable warehouse in Winnipeg, Mr Harper apologised for the online attack, calling it “tasteless and inappropriate”. The doctored puffin now flies past Mr Dion without dropping anything.
Meanwhile in Britain politicians (Labour ones at least) abide by the unwriten commandment, "thou shalt only shit on members of thy own party."
News of a plot by Labour backbenchers to dump Gordon Brown, broken last week by Guido Fawkes who'd know a thing or two about polts, was hotly denied by Labour Party managers. As if to prove how far up that very smelly creek Labour are, several senior MPs have since stepped forward and said, "Well threy may think there is no consiracy but I've been conspiring to dump Gordon."
After many months of boredom its getting interesting again.
More humour every day. Boggart Blog on Politics
The Last Thing You Want To Hear At The Airport.
posted by : Ian
So a big holiday company has gone bust, the first on famy pundits say. They leave many thousands of holiday makers stranded around the world.
Luckless holiday makers mill around aimlessly, not knowing when they will be able to return home.
Being stuck in an air port is a miserable experience at the best of times so the last thing these poor people want to hear is an announcement coming over the PA system: "Passengers booked on Flight EDD1E will be pleased to learn an alternative carrier has provided an aircraft to fly you home. Your pilot will be Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden.
More humour every day. Boggart Blog on travel
Water Passed Under The Bridge Of Thighs
12 Sep 08
posted by Ian
A desperate day for me today as the paper did not arrive so I had no news feed. Things usually go haywire with our newsagent during Ramadan but they’re good the rest of the year so we live with it.
On top of that mishap, last night was truly dire for television apart from Mock The Week and I can’t keep blatantly nicking their jokes.
In the end I found myself watching Belle du Jour, the awful series about a high class hooker starring the high class looker Billie Piper. Alas not even Billie’s prancing around in exotic lingerie can save this show from death by bad scriptwriting.
In the opening episode of this second series Belle had a new client, the “Leader of the Liberal Democrats,” who did not do sex but paid her big wedges of money to pass water on him as he lay in a bath, under the bridge of things as it were.
Unfortunately Belle do Jour is only fiction. If it had been real that could have been the biggest piss and tell story the tabloids ever ran.
More humour every day.
Boggart Blog on SEX
When Large Hadrons Collide
10 Sept 2008
posted by fatsally
So perhaps our mocking was amiss, when large hadrons collide there are strange consequences, how else can we explain Engerland's 4 - 1 victory over the mighty Croatians in the World Cup Qualifier?
As Oliver Kay writes in The Times."... this magnificent victory.....their most startling result since a 5 - 1 win away to Germany in 2001 in the early months of Sven-Goran Eriksson's regime."
Hmmmm there again old Oliver could have hit the nail on the head, after all this is early days in Fabio's career as England manager too. Could it just be beginner's luck?
Meanwhile we will have a chance to see whether anything really has changed come Sunday when all eyes will be glued to the Italian Grands Prix to find out whether the FIA has decided that cars passing each other is actually within the laws of the sport and shouldn't be punished with a post race drive through penalty.
There again we wouldn't be surprised to hear that Lewis Hamilton will be required to start from the pitlane on Sunday, three hours after everybody else, after he's had a spanking from Max.
If You Want To Kill Someone…
9 Sep 2008
posted by ian
If there is anybody you want to kill now is a great time. They have switched on the Large Hadron Collider and it is slowly winding up to particle smashing speed.
Anyone who thought a second after it was switched on there would be a wimpy little “pouf” noise and we would all be sucked towards a hole in Switzerland was always going to be disappointed as will be those who thought we would discover the secrets of the Universe. And the thousands who thought they had found a way to escape the debt collectors.
The thing is it was always going to take a while to wind those proton beams up to 99.999991% of the speed of light. It took 90 minutes to complete the first 27km circuit, 18kilometers per hour. They should have hired Chris Hoy to pedal the bike that powers the generator.
So anyway we have a couple of days before the end of the Universe. Perfect if you fancy walking up to your worst enemy holding an axe to say, “As we only have a couple of days before everything gets dematerialised there is something I always wanted to give you – a very deep parting.”
The downside of course is if you do kill someone, we are not in the clear yet. The chances are the world will not end so it would be wise to make sure there are no witnesses to the crime.
10 sep 2008
So Ian has already said his thank-yous and goodbyes on the eve of the switch on of the Large Hadron Collider. Is it called a 'Large Hadron Collider' because of its size or because of its capacity or because of the size of the hadrons which are going to collide in it?
Or perhaps it had something to do with a comedian from Lancashire who used to form a double act with another comedian surnamed Little? And why not, when a former band member of D'ream was involved, who knows how far the Lancastrian input could reach?
Perhaps the first thing it will do is answer this question for me.
Anyway, as we avidly await this exciting and, let's face it, possibly final, moment in the earth's history many people are beseiged by doubts about what will actually happen.
Me, I wasn't bothered until the scientists started saying that there was only a teensy-eensy-ickle possibility that things might not turn out as they anticipate.
I'm far too much of a young slip of a thing to remember atom bomb detonations and nuclear power plant turn-ons but I'm damn sure the scientists never, ever considered that something might go wrong, and if they did they never shared it with anybody.
But what happens if we do get sucked into a black hole of our own making? Will we get spat out at the other side into a parallel world where everyone is walking...
?sdrawkcab gniklat dna
Afghanistan: Hearts, Minds and Precision Bombing
09 Sept 2008
posted by by ian
While on the U.S. election campaign trail both Captain Zimmer and The Obamessiah speak glibly of the war in Iraq; while George W. Bush proclaims the success of his “troop surge” and declares victory (again) the reality is the war is far from over. It has simply shifted from Iraq to Afghanistan. There the resurgent Taliban are winning the battle for hearts and minds thanks largely to the frequency with which allied air strikes hit civilian rather than terrorist targets.
Anti – war campaigners in the west have called for an end to these so called precision bombing raids on grounds that precision bombing is not precise enough.
When this was put to Gen. Buck Triggerhappy, head of the allied forces he told Boggart Network News, “That’s a goddam lie, our precision bombing technology is so accurate that in all that vast territory it can pinpoint a small wedding party.”
It's Not The End Of The World (or is it)
8 Sept 2008
posted by ian
I’d like to take this opportunity to say Goodbye and thanks for all your page views, comments, links etc. I may find time to look in tomorrow but I really want to spend as much time as possible with my family. So best do the farewells now in case there is not another chance. I mean, the scientists in charge of the experiment say nothing bad will happen when they switch on the Large Hadron Collider at the CERN campus near Geneva, on Wednesday but they would say that wouldn’t they?
The Large Hadron Collider is the ultimate boy’s toy you see, a super-dooper whizz bang (do you begin to see why scientists love me?) that might be capable of destroying the whole Universe. Or not. The fact is this machine has enormous potential for destruction and no fucker has a clue what will happen when it is fired up.
Dr. Brian Cox, a professor of nuclear physics says there is only a teensyweensylittle chance of very bad things happening and the scientists are completely in control of their equipment. Well he’s a Doctor, a PhD so he should know what he’s talking abou…? Dr. Brian Cox? Brian (aceed) Cox, former keyboard player with techno band D’ream whose big hit was the rave anthem Things Can Only Get Better. A bloke that had dropped acid more often than the average hooker has dropped her knickers. One of the Twenty Four Hours Party People who was part of the Madchester scene in the late 1980s and early 1990s. A mate of Shaun Ryder for God’s sake. So we have the word of an acid head that everything will go off in a safe and controlled way.
(There is actually no evidence that Brian Did drop acid. There is no evidence that he didn’t either. And knowing what acid can do to people’s brains are we willing to take a chance? Does the name Syd Barrett mean anything to you.? Poor Syd, the original frontman of Pink Floyd was so screwed up by the drug that for the last two decades of his life he did not know he was Syd Barrett.)
Things Can Only Get Better my arse.
“What’s it all about then?” you might well ask. Well the Large Hadron Collider is a machine constructed for one purpose, to unlock the secrets of the Universe. The team hope it will allow them to observe for the first time the Higgs Boson, the so called God Particle on account of nobody really knows if it exists. If the Boson is captured and it does what it says on the theoretical box then this unimaginably tiny and slight subparticle of the atomic nucleus is responsible for the existence of matter, stuff, us, metal, plastic, chocolate, gravy, everything. Don’t worry though, if it doesn’t exist we will not cease to exist and nor will gravy, it just means the theoretical physicists have been barking up the wrong tree. But they have a lot of experience of barking up the wrong tree, its what they do for a living.
All theoretical physics is based on the work of Einstein and he was insane. You see when Einstein was cobbling together his Special theory of relativity he got stuck. The equations did not resolve, the sums did not add up. He needed something to be constant and all he had was variables. “I know, I’ll make the speed of light constant.” You have to be insane to make a leap of logic like that. He found the number that would make his equation work and by setting the speed of light travelling through a vacuum (space) at 186,000 miles per second. But space is not a vacuum. it’s empty but it does not suck (ask any sci – fi fan if space sucks, they’ll tell you, “no, its bangin’ – well they will if they're from Madchester,) and when you look closely there is all sorts of shit flying around, comets, dust, gas and plasma clouds, supermarket trolleys, old pick up trucks, big lumps of rock…and when light bounces off all this stuff it slows down. The slowest light has ever been timed at is 38 miles per hour, about the same speed as an Olympic cyclist. Fast by cyclist standards but slow by cosmic standards. it travels at that speed through sodium.
All of modern theoretical physics is based on Einstein’s assumption though, so obviously it is all wrong. So the people who say the LHC will create a black hole that will swallow the Universe are being a bit drama Queeny. After all there is no evidence black holes can exist, that’s another idea based on assumptions and guesswork
This is why we should be worried about the Large Hadron Collider. Nobody knows what will happen when it is switched on. And if it does work properly nobody will know if it has worked properly or not.
Dr. Brian (aceeed) Cox says anyone who does think the experiment will create a Black Hole is a twat. That’s easy for him to say of course, after all if he is wrong there will be nobody around to say nyah nyah na nyah nyah, we will all have been swallowed by a hole in a Swiss Cheese.
Theoretical Physics is beautiful; it allows you to write out the secrets of the Universe in chalk on a blackboard: Dara O’Briain (MSc Theoretical Physics turned comedian)
The Pursuit Of Happiness
7 Sept 2008
posted by fatsally
Happiness lessons are on the agenda for our poor, stressed out, over-examined kids.
The government is considering the implementation of a new project designed to "immunise" kids from being miserable by educating them in the art of being happy.
Well heaven help all those teenagers who enjoy wallowing in self pity and experimenting with existential angst and other hardcore substances, but that's another story.
The Penn Resilliancy Project is currently being piloted in twenty two schools around the country. The project has apparently been scientifically proven to produce positive results, whilst Permanent Secretaries from Whitehall have enjoyed jollies to Tyneside to watch lessons, the even luckier proposed teachers of the subject have been able to go to Pennsylvania to learn how to administer the programme.
However, in line with the government's policy of testing every aspect of school life there will be new tests to monitor progress in this new subject area.
As always the governments advisers have suggested a multi subject approach so that the well being lessons are integrated into other subject areas to allow children to experiene real life scenarios.
Boggartblog has managed to get hold of examples of the type of question children will be expected to answer.
In a typically English summer, how may clouds have a silver lining? Explain how you came to this answer. An extra mark will be awarded for using appropriate mathematical strategies.
You are on a school trip and stop for lunch at McDonald's.
You ask for a large coke. The counter assistant gives you a half litre receptacle but only fills it to the half way mark.
a) Calculate how much coke you have received.
b) Discuss whether you ought to complain about the shortage, using mathematical examples to support your answer.
c) If you choose to complain will you say your receptacle is 'half-full' or 'half-empty'? Give reasons for your answer.
Compare and contrast "I never felt more like singin' the blues" and "Always look on the bright side of life."
"Reasons to be Cheerful, Part Three." and "What a waste".
In Hamlet by William Shakespeare, the eponymous hero is a troubled character, surrounded by tragedy; his father is murdered, his mother takes up with his uncle, who is his father's murderer; Ophelia, the object of his affections,is mentally unstable and ultimately drowns; the grave of Yorick, the late court jester and a source of inspiration to the younger Hamlet, is disturbed; and Hamlet is continually tormented by the unquiet spirit of his father who seeks revenge, via his son, on his murderer.
In no more than 1,000 words give your suggestions for how Hamlet can use positive thinking to turn these unfortunate events into life enhancing experiences.
A chemical compound is formed by the combination of two or more atoms. Carbon Di-oxide is a chemical compound. In this instance a carbon atom joins with two oxygen atoms to give the gaeseous compound carbon-dioxide.
We write the chemical symbols for each atom to show the compositon of this substance like this:
C + O + O =CO2
Using the following symbols write a formula for happiness.
SE self esteem
SD self discipline
RE realistic expectations
SA sexual activity
In the 1800s children as young as 8 or 9 could be employed to work in mines and mills in appalling conditions.
a) Explain how this would make you feel unhappy.
b) Explain what makes you feel unhappy about your present lifestyle.
Recent research has suggested that some places are more unhappy than other places.
Edinburgh was found to be the unhappiest place in the British Isles.
Do you think this is because of:-
a) people playing the bagpipes all the bloody time
b) it being a long way from anywhere
c) it being full of bloody tourists
d) quite a lot of the shows at the Fringe not really being terribly funny
e) all of the above
Palin A Bad Mother: Allegation Substantated by BNN
6 Sep 2008
posted by Ian Thorpe
Jenny Greenteeth is in America covering the election. She sent us this exclusive on the smear campaign against republican Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin. This item first appeared on Salon.com
Boggart Network News sent a crack(head) team of investigative reporters to check out the allegation. What the BNN team uncovered may shock sensitive readers.
First we can refute the charge that Palin is not human. Despite having a prodigious track record for breeding she is not a queen bee. The fact that she is still popping out kids at forty-something suggests only that she is ignorant on matters relating to birth control or has a vagina like a Wizard's Sleeve. Both these conditions are common among humans but not found in Queen Bees.
Next there is the more serious allegation that Palin is entirely irresponsible in allowing or even pressuring her daughter to marry Levi Johnson. One look at a picture of Johnson shows he should not be allowed to breed let along to marry and be responsible for brining up kids. The evidence for this is shown in the picture of him here:
Look at the hair in this picture. Note that Johnson has a mullet, the second most popular hairstyle (after the shaved head) of guys who appeared on The Jerry Springer Show and confessed to boffing their wife's sister or brother.) Mullets are said to have been invented by a cartoon character, half -boy, half-fish soccer star Billy The Fish. Nobody knows if this is true but the style was popular among professional soccer players before their pay became inflated enough to attract girlfriends from among glamour models, soft porn actresses and girl band members all of whom hired decent stylists for their blokes. Now mullets are only found among people whose homes have more wheels than their car.
Next look at those "lights-are-on-but-there's-nobody-home" eyes. These are the eyes of somebody born to wear check shirts and eat pork scratchings. To allow one's daughter to marry a man with negative IQ eyes like that is bad, to encourage such a wedding is unforgivable.
Finally examine the chin. Note the wispy hairs. This is the chin of somebody not smart enough to know he's too immature to grow a beard or to have worked out how to buy shaving tackle. No chance of him having figured out how to buy condoms then.
It is no surprise that Bristol Palin had sex with this guy, many young girls delude themselves that relatives of Bigfoot can be humanised through the love of a good woman. What is surprising is that her Mom, a woman with political ambitions whose career path may lead to her wrestling with climate change the way she wrestles with Polar Bears did not shoot him on sight to prevent him polluting the gene pool. Obviously we cannot trust Palin's promises that she will fight to preserve the environment.
And finally what was Palin thinking in naming her daughter Bristol. In a worldwide forum like the web someone; not me I would not stoop so low but someone, is bound to point out that in Britain we have a thing called rhyming slang. Barnet Fair, abbreviated to Barnet, is hair; cobblers awls, abbreviates to cobblers and means balls (if you want to tell me this post is a load of cobblers I'll be happy to see you learning so quickly) and the famous soccer team Bristol City abbreviated to Bristol is - well I'm sure I don't have to spell it out.
What kind of person would name their daughter "titty"?
Boggart Nework News concludes its argument. We think we have proved Sarah Palin is a bad mother.
Fish are bitin'
6 Sep 2008
posted by fatsally
Shark fisher Stephen Perkins got more than he bargained for when he landed a blue shark off Lundy Island.
Holding up the shark for the obligatory photograph, Mr. Perkins was somewhat taken aback when the shark clamped its serried ranks of razor sharp teeth around his forearm.
Mr. Perkins had to be airlifted to hospital because of the severe bleeding and underwent reconstructive surgery.
He later explained that fishermen like himself do not harm the sharks, they merely take a photograph then release the shark back into the water.
Boggartblog managed to track down the shark with the aid of CEO Jenny.
It has to be said the shark was unrepentent.
"It's alright these fishermen saying they don't do us any harm, but let me tell you, if you've gone to eat a tasty morsel then found there was a bloody big hook in the middle of it which gets stuck in your mouth you wouldn't be too bloody pleased.
Then you try to swim away and you realise there is a line attached to the hook, because you get so far and then suddenly the line goes taut and the next thing you know you're going backwards.
That can go on for hours until you think 'oh fuck it' and just go with the flow.
Then they haul you out of the water, which may not sound too bad, but let me tell you it's no laughing matter, like having a polythene bag put over your head, why on earth they think we're not going to object to being left flapping about on some cold bloody deck, gasping for breath, is beyond me.
Then, to cap it all, they pick us up by the snout and want us to pose for a bloody picture.
Why on earth they can't use the one they took of me last week I don't bloody know.
So yeah, I snapped, I'd just about had it up to here, you know. And I'll do the same again if anybody else tries it on with me.
They want a bloody picture why don't they just bloody ask?"
O'Bama Hopes For The Irish Vote
posted by: Ian
Kenyan Indonesian American Presidential candidate Barry O’Bama, worried that the widely predicted post-convention bounce has been smaller than hoped for is planning to exploit his newly discovered Irish ancestry will help recover some of the ground lost throughout August.
O’Bama must win the industrial states, New Jersey, Ohio and Pennsylvania if he is to have any hope of securing the Presidency. All these states have a strong Irish cultural heritage so it is no surprise that O'Bama who has demonstrated many times his willingness to jump on any bandwagon has suddenly discovered some Irish antecedents.
It seems his great great great grandfather Paddy O’Bama, a humble potato herder at the time of The Great Famine had a dream of one day owning his own potato and in pursuit of this goal set off to make a new life across the ocean and live The American Dream.
Boggart Blog’s Irish correspondent Pogue Mo’thoin managed to trace a relative of the candidate sill living in Ireland and sent us this interview:
Fintan O’Booze, thank you for agreeing to talk to Boggart Network News.
It’s a pleasure sor, so it is but Oi can’t talk much, My mouth’s like a Mummy’s belly button so it is.
OK ye culchie scablouse, expenses will run to a pint of Guinness. What can you tell us about the candidate?
What can Oi tell yez? Aren’t Oi his fourt’ cousin t’ree toimes removed? What can’t Oi tell yez about him.
Well I’ll be happy with what you can tell us.
Well sor, dat’s a lovely point by der way, but Oi’m sure dey gave yez short measures. Sure it’s almost all gone already. Well sor, yer man Barry O’Bama, sure we’re all proud of him so we are. He’s a credit to Ireland. Course we lost touch wid dat soide of de family. But we all had fait’ in ol’ Paddy. You moight t’ink every Irish potato herder in de famine had a dream of goin’ to Americy and by hard work and enterprise one day owning his own potato, but once Paddy had set his moind on something there was no stopping him. (cough, cough, bejaysus but isn’t my t’roat’ getting dry again… another point sor, that’s handsome of you, so it is.
So that’s the story of the O’Bamas in America? I thought Barry’s father was African.
Right so, Barry’s pa did go to Americy from Africy on account of him being Irish. See he got drunk in Liverpool and got on der wrong boat. No sor, owld Paddy was not African certainly not, der family got dere skin colour on account of owld Paddy falling into a vat of hot molasses while workin’ on his great invention der sweet potato.
He invented the sweet potato. He must have made a fortune.
Right so sor, but he spent most of it on fast women and slow horses. Der rest he just frittered away. He died penniless sor, tis a tragic story so it is.
Fintan O’Booze thank you for talking to us. have you a message for your long lost cousin?
Oi have sor, Oi’d loike to ask him can Oi have a bedroom at der front when he gets his hands on dat big white house.
The Fletcher Memorial Home For Separated Socks And Stockings
by fatsally @ 2008-09-03 - 18:10:15
Boggartblog is now recognised as one of the leading multi-national media organisations, and, as befits such an international network, Boggartblog recognises the necessity of social responsibility. As the BBC promotes the 'Children In Need' charity, so Boggartblog, through our very own BBC reporter, is pleased to announce the launching of its own special cause.
The Fletcher Memorial Home For Seperated Socks and Stockings (henceforth the FMHfSSS)
posted by: fatsally
The Greta Garbo Home for Wayward Socks.
Last year we brought to your attention the peculiar rituals which all socks must go through before returning to their homes to re-unite with their partners and spawn.
Unfortunately many are lost on their hazardous journey around the world; drowned,run over or blown off course being some of the fates to befall these intrepid footwear adventurers.
Boggartblog, especially BBC, now thinks it is time to recognise the plight of the socks and stockings left behind, who wait patiently at the bottom of washing baskets or the back of drawers for their partner's return, ignored and neglected by all around them.
Consequently BBC has taken to bringing home these poor, partnerless socks and stockings, and providing them with a caring environment, where they can meet other bereaved items of footwear and perhaps find some solace from their shared experiences.
The home has an odd sock wearing policy, so all members of staff will wear all of the socks on a rota basis, thus providing meaning to the socks in the empty role they have had thrust upon them.
Meanwhile the Greta Garbo Home For Wayward Socks rescues lost socks, brings them back into the fold and nurses them back to health. Sometimes it may just be a little wash and dry, other times they may need a thorough wringing and in severe cases it is sometimes necessary to darn, but in every case our dedicated team of carers endeavour to restore the sock to health, before it is moved to The Fletcher Memorial Home For Seperated Socks And Stockings.
As you can appreciate providing this service not only takes time but also money, so Boggartblog is asking you to show your support for these poor socks and stockings and make a donation now.
Remember one of these socks could belong to you.
Is It A Bird? Is It A Plane? No It's Super VP!
02 sep 08
So Ian thinks Michael Palin would have been a better choice as John McCain's running mate, personally I think he should have chosen John McLean, the Die Hard quadrilogy hero, but there you go, maybe that's why I don't often comment on American Politics even though it was one of my subjects at Uni.
Anyway Sarah Palin seems to me to be the ideal choice, she's ticking all the boxes that Obama has neglected in the choice of his male running mate.
First and foremost, she is a woman, so that's got to appeal to all those girls who were hoping for Hilary.
She's a MOM. What do Americans like best in the whole world? Mom and apple pie. No doubt we will soon be hearing about the delicious apple pies this moose hunting Mom knocks up in her spare time.
She's good looking, she used to be a beauty queen, now she wears school ma'am glasses to try and get the media to take her seriously.
She appears to have oodles of kids, one not very old, who happens to have Downs syndrome. She knew this before he was born but declined a termination! What a truly special person.
Her husband has Inuit blood in his family, thus picking up the racial baton that Obama had so firmly been holding onto.
We now learn her teenage daughter is five months preggie, but Mom is supporting her and she is going to keep the baby.
She hunts, shoots and probably enjoys chewing tobacco and drinking moonshine with the good ol' boys of a Friday evening.
Apparently she is also politically astute, and has an 80% approval rating in her state of Alaska.
At first I thought she was a cynical choice, just getting a girl on the ticket to pick up Hilary's votes, but now I see she has been chosen to pick up everybody's votes, an astute move by Johnny Mac
Palin Pick Shows McCain Is Not A Dead Parrot
posted by: ianrthorpe
02 sep 08
Many people are still wondering why American Presidential Candidate John McCain picked Palin as his running mate and potential Vice President and will be shocked as I was to find the Palin in question is not Monty Python star Michael Palin. But the selection is actually not crazy and prove McCain is no dead parrot as far vas the Presidency goes. Let’s examine the logic.
Palin, Governor of Alaska, is a right winger and religiously a creationist. For three decades God’s Own Party has flourished with the support of the religious right, the evangelical Christians, creationists and bible fundamentalists to a man. Now in a move as misguided as the Democrats selection of Son Of Goat Boy* the Republicans picking John McCain was a direct challenge to religious fundamentalism simply because he is so old his existence is living proof that God did not create the world four thousand years ago. Whether Sarah Palin’s presence in the campaign will be enough to counter that is questionable.
Had the Republicans chosen the right Palin, Michael, star of both the Dead Parrot sketch and the Spanish Inquisition sketch he would, as a Python, have appealed to those Southern Baptists who are obsessed with pulling snakes out of each other’s bottom holes and claiming they have removed the Devil and so proved that God exists. Add to that Michael Palin is an experienced television performer, a good speaker, not afraid of his Delhi Belly attack being filmed and broadcast and he is funny. He can appeal to the redneck constituency by singing the incredibly butch Lumberjack Son and to the intellectuals by singing The Philosopher Song. And everyone knows he is a really nice bloke.
By contrast Sarah Palin can …erm … and she can …umm… and harrum ... and she can kill Moo – oh poo, what’s the plural of Moose? Anyway she can kill them, lots of them, big bad tempered rascals, with her bare hands. And then make mooseburgers for her all American family from the meat.
It has been said that Palin lacks experience of foreign affairs but I think skill at Moose wrestling will come in very handy when she has to wrestle with the Russian Bear. And she can play an important role in strengthening relations with Sweden by offering her services to the City of Gothenburg where every fall they have a problem with Moose? Meece? Moosies? getting drunk on windfall apples that have fermented and going around picking fights with Volvos (Volvii – oh what the hell?)
So actually Sarah Palin may not be all that bad a running mate for John McCain.
I still think they would have done better by choosing Michael Palin though.
Politics and the Art of Exaggeration
01 sep 08
posted by fatsally
Politics, politics, politics. What on earth is going on, or better question what on whatever planet they are on is going on?
Our Darling chancellor gives a remarkably frank interview in which he claims the economic situation is the worst it has been for 60 years.
Neither Ian nor myself are old enough to recall the situation then, but in my studying of history it strikes me that considering the devastation of WW2, the late 1940s and early 50s were a time of, at worst, consolidation and at best the beginnings of the growth that fuelled the baby boomer years.
Surely the worst economic crisis was in the 70s with exceptionally high interest rates and unemployment, and yes I know we have an ageing population but to compare today with a period that one would have to be 80+ to recall seems a trifle odd.
And there again what is Darling doing, deliberately undermining his revered leader, as Gordon attempts to relaunch his leadership by being positive, here is his chancellor doing a good impersonation of Marvin the paranoid android. "Oh no, things aren't bad, they are really really bad. They are so bad you have to go back almost beyond living memory to find a time that was so bad. They are even worse than in the 1970s with strikes, power cuts, raging inflation, unemployment and interest rates. Talk to your parents, cast your middle aged minds back to before the boom years of the eighties. How horrible it was then, but today it's even worse!"
Or perhaps dear Darling is trying to emulate the famous Yorkshireman sketch, you know the one. "When I was a lad we were so poor we couldn't even afford ricketts. We had to go out to work before we got up so we could pay the rent on our cardboard box."
"You were lucky, when I was a lad we were so poor we couldn't afford proper diseases in the home, we had to catch superbugs like c. difficile in hospital. We had to get up and go out to work before we had gone to bed so we could pay off the interest on the loan we took out to pay off the interest on the loan we took out. A cardboard box was a luxury, we had to live in a Bovis built paper bag."
Unless of course it is a cunning plan to lull us into a false sense of insecurity from which... da da dah, super Gordon will miraculously appear and swoop down to pull us all to safety.
Shock, horror! Ex Atomic kitten Declared bankrupt
Kerry Katona, that most desperate of desperate wannabees was declared bankrupt this week. This is devastating news for her extended family, several hundred of whom will have to find theor own source of income now.
Jamie Oliver Put On Suicide Watch? Has news of the diets of Super Olympians Michael Phelps (Pizzas, fry-ups, white sliced bread) and Usain Bolt (chicken nuggets beakfast and lunch) may have been too much for the healthy school dinners campaigner to bear
NHS Bureaucrats Fail To Spot The Fantasist.
how does an unemployed janitor scam £90,000 from the NHS. Easy, he just tells them he's a qualified psychotherapist. Nobody bothers to check his credentials and he starts billing the health Authority for consulrtations with imaginary clients.
Woman's Big Knickers Revenge On Husband's Mistress
An Australian woman decided to take revenge on her cheating hubby and his mistress by putting his small size condoms and his girlfriend's "big knickers" up for auction on e-bay after finding the items in her own bed after one of hubby's illicit sex sessions.
Who Will Relight The Olympic Flame
Who represents the finest of British youth and is therefore most suitable to ignite the Olympic flame at the start of the London Olympic Games in 2012?
Rachel and the K Factor The return of The X-Factor and in the very first audition show the rabble of singers, mingers, whingers, dickeads and nutters presents Simon Cowell and Co with Rachel, a potentia winner if only she can get over the K - Factor
Everyone's A Winner A junior football team in Kent has decided to scrap the first and second eleven as players who do not make the first team may be made to feel inadequate.
Big Knickers Revenge Of Wronged Wife
Hell hath no fury like an Aussie woman scorned. A wife discovered the "humongous" lace panties of her hubby's mistress in her bed posted the offending item on Australian e-bay along with his small size condoms. Read the whole hilarious story
Who will relight the Olympic Flame for London 2012? There is said to be a jinx on athletes chosen to light the Olympic Flame at the opening ceremony of each games. True to form the Chinese sprinter who lit the flame two weeks ago had to withdraw from his event through injury. So bearing in mind the task falls to somebody who is judged to represent the ideals and values of the host nation, be an example of the finest of its Olympic generation and an example to the world, Boggart Blog has a hilarious suggestion.
Golden Calories In the previous item Boggart Blog's fatsally wrote about the obesity crisis and the problems caused by overeating and the modern diet. Here Ian Thorpe (the non swimming one) examines the gargantuan calorie intake of wonder swimmer and multi medal winner Michael Phelps and wonders if this might send the wrong messages to the borderline obese couch - potato losers of the world.
Nice to see small nations doing well in the Olympic Rowing. One of those nations had a slight historical problem though, as rowing is linked in their national psyche with pillaging and plundering.
Obesity Crisis Explodes
The biggest threat facing humanity in the near future, bigger than climate change even, is obesity accoring to some health experts. Fatsally of Boggart Blog explodes the myth in another witty post from the UK's top comedy blog.
Read the blog posts that we have commented on in the past few days.
The Government may talk a good education policy but are ever improving examination grades simply masking the fact that those who do not thrive in an academic environment are increasingly being sidelined. Saying that 80% of pupils achieved the A grade sounds great util you realise it is 80% of pupils who took the exam, not 80% of all pupils.
Education? Proceed as directed
What is the point of eduating pupils in a way that unlocks their potentia when businesses increasingly demand that employees mindlessly follow procedure. The worst sin in the workplace now is to think for oneself.
The Dunce Of Wales
When Prince Charles spoke recently on the dangers of GM crops scientists were quick to condemn him as unscientific, emotional and living in the past. But recent history is littered with disasters that happened because arrogant, short sighted scientists tried to improve on nature without considering the possible consequences. Perhaps the Prince has a point or two.
A Lion Among Christians (on Julie Burchill)
In her time journalist Julie Burchill has been an anarchist, feminist, socialist, mother, wife, lesbian, wife again, and then a sad, lonely old crone. Is it any surprise Julie has now found God? And is her Damascine conversion anything but another attention seeking stunt aimed at putting her back in the public eye.
Barak Obama has a brother, George, back in Kenya. George lives on $1 a week in a mud hut. And he is curious to know why his rich, successful big bro has not been in touch especially seeing as Barry makes such a big thing of the family values he was taught by his Kenyan Daddy whom he never knew.
The Importance Of British History
Nations traditionally relate history from their own point of view. But are we in danger of becoming so tightly gagged by the dark forces of Political Correctness we are letting others rewrite our history for us?
Blonde On Blondes
So London Mayor Boris Johnson says prefers blondes. He should be careful what he lets out, with that blonde thatch of his the comment could be interpreted as narcissism
The Reality Of Abortion - Comment Is Free
The pro - life - before - birth - pro - abotion - at -age - twenty - while - on - military - service brigade are trumping up some ludicrous stories about the psychological effects of abortions on women. If it is so bad you have to wonder why they are against giving free contraceptives to unmarried women?
Also read A Short History Of Abortion And Contraception (Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4)
The Onion - Obama's Hilbilly Half Brother
During the American election campaign I have come to dislike Barak Obama intensely, mainly because he reminds me of Tony Blair but also because of his tendency to cry "raceist" when anybody challenges him and to whine when he does not get his own away. noine of these are positive qualities in a man who would be President. This spoof story from satiricl mag about an imaginary hillbilly half brother made us spiltting our sides laughing.
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