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Spunky Internet Entrepreneurs
There is nothing you can't buy on the internet these days. Several online entrepreneurs will even offer a DIY artificial insemination kit comprising a turkey baster and a shot of sperm. CAll us old fashioned if you like but we thinkhere's a lot to be said for the traditional way of making babies. Still, for the young woman in a hurry......

Those Spunky Internet Entrepreneurs
by Ian R Thorpe
2007-11-19
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: internet, world wide web, entrepreneur,busines, profit, insemination, articicial, sperm, baster, relationship, baby, babies, humour, humor, satire

Fair play to Internet entrepreneurs, they will tackle anything if there is a modest profit to be made. The latest commercial enterprise to be taken online is Artificial Insemination By Turkey Baster. Ladies wanting to make babies who either shun relationship commitments, have no partner or one who fires blanks can now buy fresh live sperm online. Just logging to the website of a fertilisation agency and a specially trained operative fed on a diet of oysters and girlie mags will immediately knock one off the wrist to order.

The product is then delivered to the purchasers door by express courier ready for the turkey baster to do the business.

There are a number of obvious problems here. Firstly what are the neighbours going to say when they see the Sperms Are Us van roll up at the door?

The others, much more serious, are mostly to do with screening samples for HIV and other blood borne diseases. Apparently the agencies involved in the trade are unregulated.

Considering this cavalier attitude to the health of clients, these firms charge a pretty, if somewhat sticky, penny for their services.

For around £400 registration fee clients get a “free” month in which they can have as much sperm as they can handle without paying another penny. After that, and bear in mind here the very small window of fertility a human female has in a month, every shot costs another £150.

Then there are the problems with the choice of father for the spawn of such soulless copulation. A database exists we are told, which contains the names, physical characteristics and personal details of the donors.

One donor describes himself as a tall, well proportioned single white male (strange, he didn’t mention GSOH. They’re all supposed to have GSOH.) lists his leisure pursuits as music, theatre, literature, philosophy (yeah right) and keeping fit. Surprisingly because it is quite significant, he does not mention he is a total wanker.

With the world overpopulated by 30% are we not insane to tolerate such businesses? We have a perfectly adequate (and much more enjoyable) way of making babies. The fact that we are 30% overpopulated is proof it is highly efficient. If that does not work for you, count your blessings, do you know how much it costs to raise a child these days? And it does not stop when they reach eighteen (he said ruefully, contemplating the money about to be spent on Miss 29.)

If after reading all this you are still desperate for a family but can't be arsed starting the kids off properly, you could avail yourself of Boggart Blog’s new reader service, Rent-a-Toddler. You hire from us a two year old for a few days. If that does not remove your rose tinted glasses, you deserve all you are going to get.

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