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Electric Cars - A Mini Adventure In Futility


The famous advert for the BMW owned Mini depicts plucky little cars getting into scrapes and escaping by using their speed, engineering quality and a bit of panache. Governments and climate weirdie beardies may push electric cars but somehow we can't see these slow, heavey, short range vehiciles cutting it as objects of desire...

New Electric Car, a Mini adventure or wild adventure (in futility)
by Ian R Thorpe
2008-12-17
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: car, transport, electric, global_warming, climate_change, energy, green humour, humor

Amid much ballyhoo from tame environmentalists paid by Megacorp Inc. carmakers BMW have unveiled their electric mini. The regular mini, a good car though not a cute and charming as the original 1960s model, is a compact, sporty four seater ideal for trendy young meeja professional couples with a pair of matching children named Ethiopia and Sunflower. It rates well on performance, fuel economy and emissions.

The electric mini is more like a steam iron on wheels. The back seat is gone to accommodate a lithium ion battery the size of a big shed business unit. The battery makes the car 20% heavier than a standard model and, though the makers are coy about this. That extra weight positioned towards the rear of the car must make give it the handling qualities of a drunk on roller skates. both the 1960s Mini and the modern version were famed for their nimble steering and excellent roadholdng so selling something that drives like a supermarket trolley with a wonky wheel is hardly going to enhance the brand.

The big problem with all electric vehicles has always been range. BMW claim they have overcome this, the pre-launch literature says the electric mini will travel a hundred and fifty miles on a full charge. A hundred and fifty miles, WOW! that would get you from Manchester to three quarters of the way to London, from Carlisle to Preston Gubbals, from Liverpool to…erm… twenty miles south of Newcastle. No worries though, the electric mini only takes two hours to charge up on a special high power socket or a mere ten hours on a domestic socket. No problem then, who would not enjoy an opportunity to spend two hours chilling out at Watford Gap services. The kids, who customarily start ask in “Are we nearly there yet?” two miles from home would love it. Travelling on Holiday weekends would take a bit of planning though, can you imagine the queues of cars on the M5 or M6 waiting for their two hours on the high power sockets and not having any alternative but to queue as they are 140 miles from home.

The Governments Green science advisers and the leaders of The Church Of Scienceology cult are having orgasms over this latest electric car that is the first family car to offer reasonable performance and a practical range. Well no, actually the range is lousy and it is not a family car if there is an effing big battery where the back seats should be. As usual they are blinding themselves with science instead of thinking things through. Electric cars to replace the internal combustion engine are nowhere near ready for the market.

Most of us can see through the eyewash hurled at us by Megacorp and MegaGov. If pollution from cars is to be reduced we need some new ideas on local and long distance public transport. Revolutionary ideas, radical ideas, like investing public money for the benefit of the community.

Our dear government have no interest in reducing traffic of course and little in reducing emissions. having hit on the wizard wheezes of charging us per mile for motorway driving and a flat rate congestion charge for city driving they are intent on squeezing every penny they can out of us. London mayor Boris Johnson seems to be the only one who has got his head round the problem so far.

Bring on the Routemasters, Trolley Buses and Trams Boris.

As a footnote it's interesting to note that sales of the G-Wiz, the electric car that looks as if it came out of a cheap Christmas cracker, have dropped by 50%. The G-Wiz driven by the likes of Jonathan Ross and Jade Jagger is one of those contradictory items that has become cool because it is uncool.

Naturally the economic crisis is being blamed but Boggart Blog thinks the real reason is that anyone seen getting out of a G-Wiz is nabbed by the Top Gear Vigilantes and has the word DORK tattooed on their forhead.

28 August 2009 The Only Reason You Will Ever Need To hate The Toyota Prius Everything bad about electric and hybrid cars wrapped up in one model - with a few extras thrown in.

2 Feb 2009. An even nerdier idea is the one dreamed up in America of using electric cars as an alternative power source. Owners charge up the car on loe cost off peak electricity and discharge the stored electricity back into the grid during peak times. And when do you drive your car if it is always either charging or discharging? On top of that, what happens when everybody catches onto the idea and gets one of these cars. Increased overnight usage turns offpeak into peak for electricity demand. The really have not though this one through. Vehicle To Grid: Your Offpeak Power Source One of the technologies Sidi Barack Imbecile Obama is relying on to lead us out of the recession.

Updated 15 April 2009: Have General Motors and Seway launched the P.U.M.A their new personal transprot option as a serious attempt to deliver clean green journeys or are they trying to give us all a laugh in these difficult times?

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