The Only Reason You Will Ever Need To Hate The Toyota Prius
by Ian R Thorpe
28 August 2009
There has always been something about the Toyota Prius that pissed me right off but I could never quite put my finger on what it was:
Was it the smug self righteousness of the "ooh look at me, I drive a crappy hybrid" bastards that drive them maybe? the lies about it being a hybrid when it will actually do about four miles on the electric motor before the batteries go flat and it becomes a grossly underpowered but otherwise conventional family saloon? Or is it that they are Toyotas and Toyota have produced some of the ugliest cars of all time?
One contributing factor is the way we are told the Prius will do 700 miles on a tankful of fuel. It might so long as you are willing to spend four hours recharging the batteries for ever half hour you spend driving?
The duplicitous way adverts claim the car is green when in fact to obtain the raw materials needed to manufactured the batteries, heavily armed corporate thugs have driven thousands of primitive tribespeople in Ecuador or Bolivia from land their ancestors have farmed for over a thousand years?
Is it the way the car poses as environmentally friendly when in fact making and scrapping the batteries puts loads of heavy metals and other toxic shit into the environment.
Or is it perhaps just that the latest Prius looks like a motorised turd.
When I saw an ad for the new Prius today however I was left in no doubt what makes me hate the bloody things.
Effing everything, that's what.
Toyota's engineers are the kind of sad, dysfunctional, cone - headed freaks who think because they are good at doing equations they can build a car that is cleverer than me. Toyota's public relations people think I'm so stupid they can persuade me to believe people who are good at doing equations can build a car that is cleverer than me. Fortunately I have driven lots of cars, ben drunk lots of times and boffed lots of ladies. whereas none of these coneheads who design cars for Toyota have ever done any of those things, not have they driven a real car as will become clear in this post.
So let's put things in perspective. The Toyota Prius is neither clean nor green, nor is it likely to get you anywhere you need to be any quicker than you could walk there if you had a bag of cement on your back and were carrying a bucket of nails in each hand. The clever Japanese cone - heads who built the Prius do not know much about torque or power - to - weight ration or stuff like that, they do not understand what makes cars go, but they do know about gadgets, they surely know about gadgets. And not only do they know about gadgets, they have obsessive compulsive disorder about building totally redundant gadgetery into cars Thus they have built the new Prius with a tiny engine, an electric engine just about powerful enough to move its own batteries and lots of totally unnecessary and frequently annoying gadgets. The Toyota public relations people meanwhile, by putting a positive emphasis on the car's unique selling points (a.k.a. telling lies) are sure we are so gullible we will be impressed by gadgets like this:
"The Prius projects speed and navigation information onto the windscreen so you are not distracted by having to look down at the instrument panel."
Now the very last thing an experienced driver wants to see when looking at the road ahead is the odometer, tachometer, fuel gauge and sat nav screen. What we would much rather see is that forty ton truck coming towards us. It should be a no brainer, even to cone heads, advertising creatives and the kind of people who would drive a motorised turd for the sake of appearing to care about the planet. But instead of spotting that little flaw in their design, Toyota have built a car that wants to kill us.
So there you have it, gadget overload, the only reason you will ever need to hate the Toyota Prius. Of coure if you would like a few more to silence your whingey environmentalist friends you could always take a Prius for a test drive. If you are a tortoise owner though I would not recommrnd one. If your tortoise escapes and you give chase in your Prius you'll never catch the little bugger.
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