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Don't Feed Your Daughter Anymore, Mrs. Lardarse
Worries about the number of obese pupils are still troubling staff in schools around the country. The problem is working class parents of fat kids are used to plain talking and do not like being told what to do. Teachers, steeped in the sterilising effect of politically correct thinking tend to give patronising lectures about five a day, the evils of trans fats and sugar attachment. What we need is some plain speaking advice on children's diet ...

Don't Feed Your Daughter Anymore, Mrs. Lardarse
by fatsally
2008-08-05
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: fat, obese, overweight, children, junk, food, government, school, health, satire, humour, humor

Oh dear, some time ago the government came up with a plan to weigh and measure all primary school children in an effort to curb the vastly expanding obesity problem in children.

The idea was to weigh and measure all primary school children and then send letters to parents/carers if the child had a weight problem. O.K. a bit meddlesome but I suppose the intentions were good.

But then it was announced that if parents objected to the scheme they could withdraw their children from the program. Well you can bet the parents of ordinary sized children couldn't give a toss so wouldn't care either way if their child was weighed or not, and, of course, to some parents it would be a reinforcement of their ideas of good parenting to have a child of a healthy weight - they'd probably frame the letter or send it out with the Christmas round robin.

In fact the people most likely not to want to have their childen weighed would be the people the government is hoping to help, i.e. the ones with the fat kids.

And now we come to the letters.

In an effort not to upset anyone the Department of Health has decided to eschew the words 'obese' and 'exercise'. Instead the letter talks of a 'healthy weight' and 'physical activity'. The child's weight is indicated on a strip which starts at 'underweight' and progresses to 'very overweight'.

Commentators have called this style of wording 'prissy' and 'namby-pamby'.

As a special service to the government then, to help implement this radical new program, Boggartblog has drafted out a letter for them.

Dear Mrs. Lardarse and Significant Other,

As you are aware it is goverment policy to weigh all children during their primary school years.

You have exercised your right to withdraw Chardonnay from this program, a fact we were truly grateful for as we doubted whether the scales could take the strain.

You do not need to stand your daughter on the scales to see that she is GROSS. We have to say we have never seen a five year old so FAT. When she is in class she has to sit at a higher table than the other infants, so that she can sit in a larger chair, as the infant chairs are just too small to support even one of her ENORMOUS buttocks. Even on such a chair she is a danger to her classmates, who risk concussion from collisions with the overhanging FLAB.

We have had to withdraw Chardonnay from class P.E. lessons for fear she might squash or otherwise suffocate the smaller children. We also feel it is not in the best interests of the other children to witness the ROLLING MOUNDS of FLESH that spill out of your daughters 34d bra when she removes the Tent that she wears to school everyday.

We advise that you start insisting that this LUMP of LARD starts doing some exercise, perhaps move the fridge upstairs so she at least has to walk to get the junk she continually shoves into her GREAT FAT MOUTH.

You should also consider cutting down her daily intake of calories, 2000 a day would be fine, 20,000 most definitley is not. If you choose not to follow this advice we must warn you that your daughter will end up in the Guinness Book Of Records as the worlds most OBESE child.

If your child does get any BIGGER it is likely she will EXPLODE.

Thank you

PCT Lead of NCMP

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