Parent Power: Mr & Mrs Lardarse Join The Parent Council
by fatsally
2008-06-17
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: government, education, parents, school, ofsted, class, reading, sport, maths, bad, dubious, taste, satire, humour, humor
As the government wheels out yet more ideas for parents to stick their noses where they don't belong, headteachers, finally, are starting to rebel.
Concerns are growing about the amount of power being given to parents, what with positions on the governing bodies of schools, and now being able to form parent only groups which can call for OFSTED inspections if the parents claim that the school isn't performing satisfactorily.
A major flaw in this plan, is of course the parent's objectivity, or lack of it. Naturally parents want what they perceive as best for their child, irrespective of whether it is best for the child's progress or that of the other pupils in the class.
BoggartBlog went along to St. Fuckwit's to sit in on a parent council meeting.
Chair: Ahem. If we could all take our seats, it is time to get this council meeting underway.
Mrs. Lardarse: Too right mate, I'll kick it off for you. We need to do something about that Mis Smiff. She's always having a go at my little Kylie. The ovver day she sent her home wiv a book, and a reading record log and said I was supposed to listen to her read. I ain't got time for that. That's what teechers is sposed to do, int it, teech the kids to read?
Chair: We-ell, it is common practice to send reading books home and to expect the children to read to their parents...
Mrs. L: A bloomin' cheek I call it. If we got to teach them at home there ain't no point sending them to school in the first place, is there?
Ms. M. C. Mumm: Of course there is, and most parents do make the time to listen to the children read, despite having all the other things to fit in, violin, piano, extra maths, tennis, swimming, French and Mandarin to name but a few. However I do have my concerns not only about Ms Smith who teaches my Sabrina, but also Mrs. Dotty, who teaches Anastasia. I am concerned that the children are not being stretched enough. Although I have raised this issue with both teachers at parent's evening and on other occasions, homework still seems to consist of reading, learning spellings or times tables and the occasional mental arithmatic worksheet. This simply isn't good enough. My children need stretching, they are becoming lazy as the work is sooo easy they think they don't even have to try. They should be tackling maths problems from the Level 6 curriculum, or writing 1000 word essays on the need to reduce consumption in order to reduce greenhouse gasses and global warming. They discuss these issues on a regular basis at home and it's such a shame that they are not allowed to showcase their skills...
Chair: If I may interrupt...
Mrs.L: Crumbs somebody needs to, she never shuts up Ms. La-di-dah, does she. How wonderful her children are, they ain't no better than anyone else's. My Kylie told me that Sabrina gives Joe Taylor all her sweets on Monday playtime if he lets her copy the spellings during the test!
Ms M.: How dare you, that is simply not true, I personally test both my children on their spellings every evening for twenty minutes...
Mrs. L: Oh yeah! My Kylie says that Sabrina told her that you do the mental arithmatic sheets for her as well. And the model Roman town that she got a Headteachers award for, she says you made all of that while Sabrina was watching Hannah Montana!
Ms. M: (Going bright red) Oh, I really don't know where you get such ridiculous stories from...
Chair: Now ladies I think we need to calm down. You must not forget why this meeting has been called.
Mr. Jock: Well I think the school is failing as it doesn't provide enough time for sports, or enough variety. My son, Beckham, is so keen on football, yet the children only get one half term of football per year. They have to do girlie sports like hockey and netball and really boys should just be allowed to play football if that's what they want to do. Then in the summer it's always rounders and athletics. They should be allowed to play cricket, cos Beckham, he likes to play cricket and he's ever so good, he can bat all day long, even against the really good bowlers, it's so difficult to get him out, he usually has to set himself a target and then declare when he reaches it, so I think the school is undermining his abilities by not allowing him to play cricket, or if it does it is non-stop cricket which really is just like rounders.
Mrs L: I think there's too much sport. My Kylie gets all out of breaf and has breaving difficultees if she does too much sport. I think children who don't wnat to do sport should be able to stay inside and watch a video or somefing. I think the school is wrong to make them do sport if they don't want to.
Chair: The school is required by law to provide at least one hour of sports teaching per week, Mrs. Lardarse, and as far as I can see, that is what the school does.
Mrs. L: Yeah, but, see, Kylie doesn't like it so she shouldn't have to do it should she? That's what I'm sayin'.
And anovver thing, I don't like the way you got to ask the Eadteacher for permission to go on holiday. Everone needs a holiday, don't they? They make you fill in a form and then it comes back with "permission not granted" on it and you ask them why and they say it's cos you've already taken your kids out of school for 21 days so far this year, but if you've booked yer holiday you can't leave yer kids at home can you? They'd lock you up for that. The school ought to realise that.
Mr. J: I agree with Mrs Lardarse on this. I wanted to take Beckahm to Euro 2008, over in Austria like, well we booked the tickets for the hotel and everything before England got knocked out cos it was cheaper, so we thought rather than cancel it would be an experience for the lad, and also he wouldn't get upset if England didn't win, cos it can spoil your holiday that, you know. So we asked to take him out for the four weeks and the answer comes back "NO". Well we booked the tickets and everything so we're going anyway.
Ms. M: Although it irks me to agree with the previous two speakers I have to say that travel does broaden the mind, and yet it seems ridiculous to pay inflated prices during the peak period, and you also have to put up with all those dreadful chavs and their horrendous offspring running amok, getting drunk and vomiting all over the place. I dread to think of the injuries my two darlings might have suffered on the ski slopes earlier this year, if we hadn't gone for the whole of January when it was quiet, and of course it's no better in the summer, when all those windsurfers and jet skiers are cluttering up the Med, so naturally we do take our summer break in July and have another little break to top us up in September, and all I get is hassle from the teachers saying how I am ruining my children's education. What do they know?
I think this really highlights why this school is not meeting our children's needs and should be inspected.
Mr. J: Hear hear. We need an OFSTED inspection as soon as possible. The head is incompetant and needs to go.
Mrs. L: Yeah, that eadteecher, he don't know his arse from his elbow, get shot of him I say. Let's have an inspection.
Chair: Well, as you seem to be unanimous on that, so be it.
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