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The Certainty Of Arse Dribble
Anal incontinence will get you sometime, not just in old age thanks to the zeal of health science waging war on the obesity pendemic. New anti obesity drugs that stop the body absorbing fat have among their side effects arse dribble. So take you choice, either eat less and get more exercise, settle for being overweight and bugger your health or accept the arse dribble of liquid shit as the price of your self indulgence.

The Certainty of Arse Dribble.
by Ian R Thorpe
2007-10-01
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: alli,arse dribble, drug, obesity, weight loss, fat, health, obese, gas , satire, bad, dubious, taste, humour, humor

It used to be said there are only two things in life we can be certain of, death and taxes. To that can now be added a third because you can be certain Boggart Blog, in our unrelenting determination to get to the bottom of things will return to the subject of arse dribble at least once a month.

Our regular readers may have already observed that arse-dribble usually crops up in these columns when the subject of anti – obesity drugs hits the headlines.

Sure enough, sales figures released by Smith Kline Beecham show that its anti-obesity pill Alli is enjoying a phenomenal run of success. In just five weeks since its launch Alli has clocked up $155million in sales in spite of negative reviews prompted by its most unfortunate side effects, bloating, gas, oily stools and “anal leakage” to use the polite term.

Alli has not been launched in Europe yet as licences are being withheld by the EU pending further investigation of the underwear of users. Also, the name might be a problem considering its similarity to French, Italian and Spanish words for garlic.

Now what puzzles us about the runaway success of Alli in the US market is that so many Americans are concerned enough about obesity to be prepared to tolerate the socially embarrassing consequences of taking the drug but not concerned enough to stop stuffing themselves with pizza, pork scratchings, apple pie with ice cream, fried chicken, ribs, burgers (all on the same plate you understand) pancakes with cream and Maple syrup and other foods consisting mainly of deep fried lard.

What else puzzles us is that the directions for using the drug which is available over the counter, state clearly that it is only effective as an aid to weight loss when used in conjunction with a low fat diet and regular exercise.

WHAT??? For fucks sake Americas, your society invented snake oil salesmen, can you still not recognise them? Save your money, the low fat diet and exercise will do the job, dump the drug and see your social life improve and the need to change your guzzies six times a day disappear.

But wait, let’s not be too hard on Americans because not so long ago the fascist wing of the British Medical Association were floating suggestions that the entire population should be given fat buster drugs as a measure to combat the obesity epidemic. The want to medicate us all, even the anorexics, with arse dribble inducing drugs? I can see that going down like a lead ploppie with the millions of people who work out and eat salad. As well in fact a the proposal to put anti-depressants in the drinking water. But unfortunately, if governments can be persuaded such measures will save them money the plans will be adopted, the conformity police will be unleashed to bully us into believing that not taking our anti depressant arse dribble pills is as anti-social as having a smoke or a few drinks and only the strong minded will be spared the experience of having their intimate moments punctuated by squitty sounds.

The drug is gaining an army (well, a platoon) of fans however, and has even spawned a website www.myarsedribble – sorry, www.myalli.com Member, in the great American tradition of “sharing the experience” are invited to describe their “TEs” (treatment effects) in graphic detail.

One writes of his horror on changing into casual clothes after work and finding “pizza oil” on the back of his work pants. Another tells how she experienced “the worst case of gas ever” while browsing in a Hallmark Cards shop.

“I had to keep moving from aisle to aisle so nobody would know it was me,” she reports. If we assume these emissions were silent then obviously the writer was not aware of the quantum physics phenomenon that causes fart gas to follow its creator.

Bottom gravy and bad smells are only the outwardly apparent side effects of Alli. The drug works by blocking the effects of the lipase enzymes that work in the digestive system, breaking down fats. Thus much of the fat we eat passes straight through, and with it those essential nutrients that are dissolved in fat. These include vitamins A, D, E, K and beta carotene.

And finally, to wrap up our case for the utter uselessness of Alli, the active substance of the drug, orlistat is only really effective if taken in 120milligram doses, three times a day. The tablets sold by SKB provide just 60 milligrams three times a day. So users get nothing but squits for their money.

We have to admit, this time Big Pharma have excelled themselves. They have created a drug that has no benefits (except to corporate profits) many negative effects, the worst of which is having to wear adult nappies, lacks even a placebo – effect benefit and even if it did work would only add its unpleasant side effects to what could be achieved by natural means.

A resounding triumph for medical science all told.

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