Jenny Greenteeth
Oi Canada; Get Orf Our Laaand! by
Ian Thorpe
Humour /Humour /Satire/education/ Britain
For years employers and concerned parents have complained that school examinations are getting easier. Politically correct thinking among education academics aims to eliminate failure. But have new plans gone a step too far. The plan which proposes taking into account the emotional state of the pupil rather than marks being pased on the quality of the answers would be open to abuse by wily pupils this article suggests.

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The Lazy Pupil's Examination Aid.

Ian R Thorpe
2005-05-11

NOTE: Some people may find this in bad taste.

In my school days, admittedly more years ago than I care to remember, trying to justify the non - delivery of homework projects with the excuse "please Sir, the dog ate it," was not exactly fresh and original but was still guaranteed to raise a ripple of laughter from classmates. Now of course it is a tired and lame excuse used as a last resort only by the terminally dull - witted. Family pets have advanced in status so much they can actually make a positive contribution to academic achievement.

Britain's leading examination boards announced this week that results may be upgraded if it is know that the candidate has suffered an emotionally distressing experience in the run up to the exam. Qualifying experiences include death of a parent or sibling (5% upgrade) parent or sibling being diagnosed with a serious illness (5%) death of a distant relative (3%) a broken limb within 48 hours (3%) a broken limb on the mend (2%) - this throws a whole new light on the theatrical expression of encouragement "break a leg" - and so on, with the death of Fido or Tiddles weighing in at 2% if it happens within 48 hours of the exam or 1% between to days and a week prior. Monty Python fans will be emotionally distressed to learn that the death of a parrot warrants nothing.

A spokesperson for one of the examination boards responding to criticism that the scheme is politically correct mollycoddling of the young said that the maximum upgrade had been set at 5% in order to discourage abuse of the system. As she does not say whether the upgrades will be cumulative I fear the bureaucrats have once more underestimated the ingenuity of ordinary punters. Consider the possibilities in a literature examination…

QUESTION: In Shakespearean tragedy the downfall of the main character is often a result of a failure to address obvious flaws in his own character. Discuss this with particular reference to Hamlet and Macbeth.

ANSWER: Both Hamlet and Macbeth are…Oh GOD! WHAT IS THE POINT? Why should I sit this exam when with a bare bodkin I could my quietus make. Who cares about qualifications and careers. Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Shakespeare's tragedies? Are there not enough tragedies in the real world. To write or not to write that is the question, when all our yesterdays have lit the way of fools to dusty death.

Only yesterday my beloved Labrador Bonzo shuffled off this mortal coil when a car, driven by my uncle Jim, mowed him down. Jim did try to avoid Bonzo but lost control of the car and perished himself when he hit a wall.

I felt guilty about having let Bonzo off the leash and rushed to cradle the poor dogs noble head as he breathed his last. When the paramedics led me away I noticed my hands were covered in blood. "Will all Neptune's great ocean was clean the blood from this my hand I cried out.
Just then my mobile phone rang. It was my mother calling from the hospital to tell me she had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and within six months would be heading for that unexplored country from in whose bourne no traveller returns.

In a perfect world I would be able to turn for comfort to my Dad, a virtuous man, but as it says in Hamlet, Act 2 Scene 2 "Virtue itself 'scapes not calumnious strokes and Dad has been paralysed these three years.

I asked my sister, a Goth to let me have some of her downers. Each man is but a poor player who frets and struts his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more I said.

"But in that sleep of death what dreams may come, she quipped rather wittily in the circumstances just before she fell downstairs and broke her leg.

Then I heard a terrible sound coming from the kitchen and rushed in just in time to see poor Tiddles choke to death on a furball.
I tried to sleep last night, for after all, we are such stuff as dreams are made of, our little lives are rounded with a sleep.

But what will it avail me if I pass this examination. There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamed of in your philosophy Mr. Examination Marker.

And if you add it all up that should be worth a pass.



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Everyone who likes to follow online debates on sensitive or controversial topics will have encountered trolls. but are these people really just angry and obsessive, excesssively self righteous individuals. Or is there anyting in the claims that they are employed by contractors to suppress open discussion and discredit points of view which do not support government or corporate interests.

Ukraine: Russia launches 'armed invasion' as Obama warns Moscow of 'costs' of intervention
The FUKUS axis - well mainly the US, France and the UK are just sockpuppets as any fule kno - look to have screwed up again. With proof having emerged that the USA and the EU are unrest in Ukraine, Russia has taken steps to safeguard eyjnic Russians in the country. Obama warned of 'consequences' if Russia intervened - Russia sent more troops

Facebook boss Zukerberg Wants To Own The Internet
Facebook's latest acquisition Whatsapp cost $19bn, that's $40 per user. Whatsapp charge their users $1 per year. That means it will take Facebook 40 years to recover their outlay. And people are buying shares in this company? Insane.

Pollution Could Save Us From Climate Change Disaster
As politicians become ever more hysterical and scientists become ever more crazy about climate change because less and less people believe them while more and more climate scaremongering is exposed as junk science or plain and simple fraud, if it really is necessary or desirable to cool the earth's atmosphere, then according to some chinese scientists, the answer is staring us in the face.

So You Think Control Of Media Is A Conspiracy Theory
A story I found on Zero Hedge concerns a factual article posted on the Financial Times website which was quickly removed and never appeared in print. Zero Hedge reproduce the article in full so I was able to verify its content. "Two days ago the FT released a clear, informative and fact-based article, titled simply enough "Gold price rigging fears put investors on alert" in which ..."

Geo - Engineering: The Science Isn't Settled

In another case of scientific dictatorship the American Government and the corporate cartel have invoked a Big Science scam to make $$$billions from geo engineering schemes 'to save the planet from climate change disaster'. The science is settled they tell us. Unfortunately once again it isn't. Geoengineering could have ‘catastrophic consequences’: Schemes to control climate change could backfire, a large group of concerned and influential scientists have warned.

Labour, The Party Of The Rich, Well - Connected, Elitist, Paedophile People
Labours paedophile agony goes on. Put on the reack by The Daily Mail over the involvement of three senior MPs with paedophile equal rights group PIE, the response was to deny the allegations. Unfortunately evert time harriet Harman, Jack Dromey or Patricia Hewitt deny something, The Mail produce documents to suppport their story.

Can Washington Change Three regimes At Once The FUKUS axis - let's be honest, the Obama Administration in the USA, France and the UK are just sockpuppets, may have bitten off more than they can chew in trying to deliveer regime change in three nations at one to satisfy their paymasters the global bankers. The log jam has developed because of the failure to remove assad in Syria and the resolute support of Russia, China and Iran for their ally.

Transhumanism - What The Elite And Their Science Whores Have Planned For You
Transhumanism, the creation of - or turning us into - part human, part machine cyborgs is generating a lot of discussion and a lot of spontaneous ejaculations in the scientific community as they contemplate having their brains replaced by a computer. There are no limits on the ambitions of scientists fantasies, they even envisage creating robots that can interbreed with us, but how much is realistic?

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