Macology, The Science Of Burger Flipping
by Ian R. Thorpe
2007-01-18
CREATIVE COMMONS: Some rights reserved. Distribution: Non - commercial, attrib, no derivs, All reproductions should be credited to Boggart Blog and linked to "http://www.greenteethmm.com/"
Keywords: education, dumbing down, examinations, fast food, government, humour, humor, satire
Today it became public knowledge that MacDonald’s have become an officially recognised education service provider and as such, qualificatins awarded in their training schools are accepted nationally as the equivalent of A levels in Burger Flipping and shucking fries or, as they prefer to call it, Macology.
Ever eager to stay ahead of the media rat pack, Boggart Network News have managed to secure an interview with MacManagement trainee Darren Chavver who later this week will become the first graduate to receive an A level in Macology after studying for four hours at Slagtown Macademy of Burger Education.
BNN:
Darren, you must feel very proud of your achievement in becoming the first student to get a qualification in Macology.
Darren:
Yeah, whatever.
BNN:
We assume the course involved an in depth study of the fast food industry, so how much do you know about burgers now.
Darren:
Evr’fink
BNN:
Everything, well that is certainly impressive because the scope is enormous. It must be fascinating to learn how meat is produced for example.
Darren:
Wha’
BNN:
You know, where burgers come from.
Darren:
They come from the freezer.
BNN:
But before they are in the freezer, where do they come from?
Darren:
They comes inna van.
BNN:
And are there any animals involved in the process at all?
Darren:
Yeah, Tracy what drives the van sometimes, she’s a right dog.
BNN:
But that’s a rather unkind way of saying Tracey is a not very
attractive young woman. Are there any real animals involved?
Darren:
Not reely, there’s Gloria but she’s frunna’house manager, don’t
do Burgers. She’s a real animal, she’ll shag anyone, even takes
it up th...
BNN:
I’m sure Gloria is a charming young woman Darren and we should
remember her private life is her own business. Now moving
quickly on, have your studies focused on burgers or did they
take in other products such as McNuggets and Milk Shakes.
Darren:
She’s OK Gloria, I gi’ ‘er one agin’ the waste bins last week,
she ended up wi’ onion and ketchup all over her arse. But she
had a laugh abou’ it.
BNN:
I think we should forget Gloria for now Darren. Tell our readers
what you know about milk shakes for example.
Darren:
Exam were Macology, not ple.
BNN:
Sorry, I don’t understan... oh yes, exam - ple, so you studied
lateral thinking?
Darren:
No burgers and fries, chocolate milkshakes and shit.
BNN:
Shit?
Darren:
Yeah, well mos’ people call ’em McNuggets.
BNN: I’d like you to talk about Chocolate Milkshakes. Do you know
what they are made from?
Darren:
Yeah, chocolate milk and bubbles.
BNN:
And where do we get chocolate milk from?
Darren:
’Fridge.
BNN:
To make chocolate milk Darren we have to mix chocolate with
milk. Do you know where we get milk from?
Darren:
‘Fridge.
BNN:
Darren, do you know what we get from cows?
Darren:
Tampax.
BNN:
Pardon?
Darren:
Skanky tampax. This cow come in one day with her two kids and I
was in charge cos the manager was off, an’ she come to the
counter an’ holds up this skanky tampax and says "I found this
in one of my kids burgers, you got give me my money back."
BNN:
And did you?
Darren:
Fink I’m stoopid or wha’ I seen that trick loadsa times. They
puts dead cockroaches in the tray, mouse turds, slugs maggots.
Make out they only finds ’em when they nearly finished the meal.
BNN:
That’s very interesting darren, but do you know we get meat from
cows.
Darren:
Meat what you eat? Yeuch, that’s cabinnalistm.
BNN:
Not really Darren, you are thinking of an insulting term for
women, I was thinking more of cows with horns.
Darren:
Like Lezzas with strap-ons. I seen that on a DVD. Kewl.
BNN:
Cows are big aminals, they have horns and live in fields and we
get milk from them.
Darren:
NO! You’re ’avvin a laugh aint yer? Like you feed cows on
chocolate and get chocolate milk? I don’ believe ya. An’ we get
meat from the meat factory. I seen it.
BNN:
Well thank your for talking to us Darren, we have all learned a
great deal. Your course in Macology has really given you a good
education in all aspects of the fast food indistry.
Darren:
Yeah, whatever.
