by Sir Hector Gobbett-Broadsides MP
(Sir Hector, the most senior politician in the British Parliament has been the Conservative Member for the constituency of Rawtenborough since 1832. He is to the right of the Conservative Party)
First may I say itís a pleasure to be writing for Boggart Network News again. I know they are a gang of subversives but at least they are not politically correct.
Now the reason they have asked me to write this colum is they want a perspective on this economic crisis from somebody who remembers what real economic hardship is like. And Iím the person to tell them, there is not a politician or philosopher alive who knows more about the misery that economic hardship inflicts on the poor. I know about it because I have been reponsible for causing a lot of it. Oh yes, I didnít get where I am today by mollycoddling the poor. Mollycoddle them doncha know and they go soft. Slightest amount of mollycoddling and before you know it your labouring classes are not up to doing two fair daysí work for a fair dayís pay anymore. Before you know where you are they are orginising unions and demanding fair shares for all.
Fair shares for all hmm? All except the entrepreneurs who make the money, no fair shares for the capitalist whose risk taking keeps all the worthless oiks in jobs. Do you ever hear anybody talking about a fair dayís pay for people like me hmm? hmm? Yet I donít have it easy like the oiks you know, oh no, all I ask of them is two dayís work a day. If I demanded that I only be expected to do two days work in a day people would soon be accusing me of slacking doncha know. I have so much work to get through in a day I have to pay two assistants, two secretaries and a researcher to do it for me. And people have the cheek to call me a fat cat.
So now you know where I stand on mollycoddling the poor you can guess that I see this economic kerfuffle not as a crisis but as an opportunity to get things back in kilter. Too many people in the world have forgotten their place doncha know, too many people got ideas above their station. When people get ideas above their station catastrophe is inevitable. Let íem get ideas above their station and before you know where you are they get to thinking they have rights. A seven and a half hour working day hmm? paid sick leave hmm? health care hmm? Start down that road and you are heading for a slippery slope that leads to revolution, overthrowing the established order, sending the elite to the guilloutine like they did in France. And where did that get them hmm? They might have cut off the Kingís head, killed the aristocrats, seized control of the state, redistributed the wealth and started calling each other cistizen but they were still French werenít they? hmm? Canít make a silk purse out of a sowís ear dontcha know.
So how will this little mishap in the financial markets help solve all that? Well looky here. When Britain had an Empire and was the most powerful nation on Earth the poor were kept in poverty and ignorance. No nonesense about educating the ungrateful wasters then, they were taught to know their place and that was all they needed to know, doncha know. None of your equal rights then, none of your feminism, no free contraceptives; a womanís place was in the home feeding her family on three pence a week and producing a new child every year to work in the factories or mines.
Nowadays you see there just arenít enough children. Nowadays we have to buy machines to do the mindless, repetitive, back breaking work and machines, damned things, are expensive and need skilled people to maintain them. The problem with skilled people is they have ideas above their station. When people lived in poverty and ignorance they were happy because they knew their place. A working man would drink away all his wages on a Saturday night and my agents would be able to go into any beer house in Rawtenborough and buy up children for two shillings each. All it took to keep them going was a bowl of thin gruel a day. If they dropped dead after a month nobody cared, there was alwauys another family in need of two shillings.
If it was not for all these liberal namby pambies mollycoddling the poor and teaching íem they have rights there would be no crisis now. Things would be in kilter. how can we entrepreneurs be expected to work in a nation where weíre not allowed to exploit child labour?
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Back To Basics by Sir Hector Gobbett - BroadsidesSir Hector Gobbett Broadsides, Conservative MP for Rawtenborough since 1832 and a great champion of old fashioned values has agreed to write for us in support of a return to traditional convervative values, self determinations and the restoration of traditional British right like Primae Noctis. In this first article he argues for the reten of ritualistic beatings in schools, the death penalty for single mothers and the 95 hour working week for poor people.
Baby Born On The Bog
Before The Pubs Close
Bread And Circuses
Church Step In Where Government Failed
Change: Politicians Don't Get It
Economy Of The Living Dead
A Future Of Medieval Serfdom
Let Down By Hope
NVQ In Retail
The Fag Drag
A Generation Of Losers
Child Labour Can Rebuild The Economy
Energy Crisis: A Child Could Solve It
Poverty: Labour Succeeds Where Thatcher Failed
The Truth About The Economy, Education, Crime and Everything Else
Ten 4 Ten