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A Clockwork GCSE Exam Paper


Repeated complaints from bosses suggest school exams in English have become too easy. But is this true or are examiners simply testing not so much on formal grammar as English like wot it is spoke?


The Clockwork GCSE Exam Paper
by fatsally
2007-08-29
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, Non commercial, no derivs. KEYWORDS: GCSE, education, school, examination, exam,

The Clockwork GCSE Paper A Special Report From BBC Reporter

Amid reports of the epidemic of "sickening violence" evident in GCSE English manuscripts, BBC Reporter went undercover to meet and talk to candidates about their English exams.

Entering the moloko bar I position myself close to one Antony Burgess for to hear his tale of creative writing under the totalitarian state of the GCSE English Exam. He bids me lend an ear as he tells his humble tale.

My Droogs being Duncan, Big Ed, so named for his big bones, and Boothy started the afternoon at Kite's Coffee Bar. Kite's not having a liquor licence proper meaning we had to put some brandy in the coffee but to take the edge off things and to get us in the mood to put a bit of the old ultra violence in our creative writing paper that afternoon.

We were dressed in the height of fashion, at the time being grey trousers, black blazers, stripey ties, fedoral hats and Doc Martin boots for the kicking of the gypsies that so infest this city.

We began to feel the warmth of the brandy prickling in our bellies. I shout "Out, out, out" in the manner of calling dogs and out my droogs ran.

We arrived at the exam hall and had a viddie of the seating arrangements.

We lined up, like good youthy wouthys to enter the exam hall.

The papers were distributed in an orderly fashion. My name beginning with B I was seated well away from the droogs on the middle row.

A pretty young baboushka handed out the papers and two of my droogs appeared quite distracted.

I open the exam paper and am pleasantly surprised to see the title "The Bully" for creative writing.

I have always been partial to giving a few kickings to those shorter and richer than myself so I set about the tale with glee.

I create a fictional character called Tony Liar to be the hero of my piece. It tells his story from melting out a few tolchockings in the yard of his posh private school he becomes a barrister, which leads to him melting out the old ultra violence on defence witnesses. Eventually he becomes Prime Minister.

At this stage I feel I can really let rip, with me having put the examiner in fear of walking the streets. I let Tony do what I wish I could do, taking his droogs to the posh buildings of Westminster and out to the foreign fields for to give real horrorshow kickings to fat Scots blokes in suits and ,foreign gypsies in robes.

Not the sort of thing a good young Malchick as your humble narrator should be doing.

Thursday 23rd August I have a terrible pain in the gulliver to be telling you this my friends, but it looks as if my time roaming free within the literary world partaking in the old ultra violence has come to an end. My examiner who has viddied all I have written, hath claimed my humble offerings to be inapproppriate, as if he would care. However it would seem that I cannot appeal, so I will bid you farewell, for on the way here I viddied that Netto had a vacancy that did not require English. RELATED POSTS:
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