Concerned by the number of comments we get from readers to the effect that modern children can barely speak let alone read by the time they move from junior to comprehensive education Greenteeth Multi Media took a piece of work sent in by one of our concerned readers and asked the local school to comment.

The school's Temporary Head of English responded to the the request. He was dressed in a tracksuit and trainers and told us he had been hired as a physical education teacher. We asked about the clearly visible rope burns on his neck.

The man explained that following an unfortunate accident in the gym when one of the climbing ropes had become looped around his neck as pupils were learning the techniques of rope climbing he had been pronounced fit only for light duties. On the day he had returned to work the Head of the English department who was also the school's last remaining English teacher reported in sick before going to a supermarket armed with a replica semi automatic pistol and having locked the staff in the rest room, stripped naked, poured golden syrup all over his body, covered himself with cornflakes and told curious shoppers that he was ready to do battle with the antichrist.

The PE teacher was drafted in to cover English classes. It was not his best subject, he could not even obtain an examination pass at the lowest grade in his native tongue.

He told our reporter "I would of liked to of done more better in my English GCSE but, like, I'm not very good with words, innit ? I'm more your physical type." I mean, like, writing stories is all right for wimps but I want my classes to let their bodies do the talking. After all, like, what is language eh? except a set of archaic rules and standards what cramps your creativity. Actions speak louder than what words do."

"A set of archaic rules that only enable people to make sense of what we are trying to communicate to each other. Not perhaps the best attitude for an English teacher. Our education editor would normally have been delighted to discover a teacher so committed to letting the pupils discover their own creativity but she had seen the results of this policy in a piece of work turned in by Cint badgene a year seven pupil. "It seems to me that young Clint Badgene does not even know how to spell his name." she said to the Head Of English.

Taking the paper from her he read "b-e-d-g-y-n. Looks near enough to me," he said.

The BessT Da off Mie Lief
A Showrt Storey
bi clinT badgyn, Aj 10.

1 day i was working a long criPPin street wen i sore NEBBO and daZ.

They ate me so i showted fuck off scab eds and legged it they come legging after me showting fuck off you slag ewer ded wen we get you

i am faster than them but after a bit i woz getting. shagged so i fowert shit they will kick my ehd in if they get, me then i was cumming. 2 the kinnel. iN he kinnel i sore a booat wiv 2 whores in it so i got in evan though.

i do not now how to rough sumeho i roughed across the canal and ran threw a gate.

NEBBO and daZ got 2 the bang but thay cuddent get me so thay through stones and showted ewer ded 4 that.

rikkets u scume

i started warking back to my arse finking it ahd all turned aht orwlrite wen i met old Feebler, the teecher from my ol skuul.

DO yew fancy cumming for a work in the cunt tree

he sed so I toll im get lost yew dirty. ole perve and legged it i was still legging it when i reelized i was cumming 2 the canal bridge

but i could not see NEBBO and daZ so i fowert thay must not have legged it along the bang

i cuddent see. Feebler Ithur so i slowed down tehn as i was passing the bridge NEBBO and daZ turd down the slowpe

showting ewer ded now u shithead and thay kicked the shit;

out of me then i lay theyre crying for a bit and old Feebeler come along and bin fighting ahv wee he sed like growed ups do coz it waz a stewpid kwestyun coz i was cower in blud then he sed i'd better make shewer ewer orwlrite so he tuck me up the back alley then eh field my broozis an eh tuched me up then.

eh gave me five quid i went ohm but the.

Dower was looked so I rungd the bell and my mum cum aht and said wot the fuck you dowin ere you poxy little bastard so I sed i cum ohm 4 my t mum. i Rnt cucking ewer t

she said eym ahvin a lie down wiv oonkl stEEv

she. ahd hur dressing gowan on ann hur lip stik was smujd ann hur nickers was roun won ankle but mum. eym uhngree i said so she giv me 5 quid 4 a piza and tol me to get lorst til after uncal sTeev. ahd gon

then i went and ahd a piza and 2 larj cOks wiv loads ov eys then i was sikk. i fowert it was the best day of my life