logo
Christmas Is Bollocks
KEYWORDS: christmas,christianity,festival,,religion,humour,humor,satire


Come on, admit it. When you saw the headline your heart leaped for joy. At last you thought, a like mineed person, sombody who thinks for himself. because let's be honest, if you had not agreed you would not have clicked through.

CREATIVE COMMONS: Some rights reserved. Distribution: Non - commercial, attrib, no derivs, All reproductions should be credited to Boggart Blog and linked to "http://www.greenteethmm.com/"

Christmas is Bollocks
by ianrthorpe
first posted on Boggart Blog, 2006-12-27

Its over! What a relief!

Don't you hate Christmas? Oh come on, be honest. Don't call me Scrooge. Christmas is bollocks. Christmas things are bollocks. Christmas specials on tele are bollocks. Christmas food is bollocks. Everything about the whole over-hyped, over commercialised, overadvertised, overcelebrated mess of modern excess is bollocks.

Food. Nuts? Why do we buy nuts in their shells at Christmas? The rest of the year we (those of us who like to eat healthy anyway) get nice convenient packs of shelled nuts. But we can't have those at Christmas, oh no, its not traditional is it. So we dig out the nutcrackers and contentedly much on millions of fragments of indigestible shell.

And those bags of mixed nuts, why does anyone buy those. The picture on the pack shows lots of appetising almonds, walnuts, brazils, hazelnuts... when you open the bag, which is a major operation in itself, you get one almond, one skanky walnut, a couple of brazils, a hazelnut and twenty-five million peanuts. And peanuts aren't even nuts.

There are loads of drinks you only ever see at Christmas, Cinzano, Blue Bols, Drambuie, Advocaat. Who the bollocks drinks these bollocks drinks. I'll tell you who, people who only drink at Christmas, that's who. You know the type. They say...

"Ooh, I don't usually, but seeing as its Christmas I'll have a Brandy and Babycham with a Benidictine in it."

Who drinks Cinzano and Lemonade... or Advocaat? Saddos who know nothing about drinking. Clue: if it sounds like puke or looks like puke don't drink it. It should be against the law to drink at Christmas if you never drink through the rest of the year. If Tony Blair's government can find time to create three thousand new criminal offences you would think they could find time to include that.

Christmas presents are bollocks. There is a whole section of Chinese industry dedicated to making crap Christmas presents. Who needs a sweater with a logo that lights up, who needs a thing for keeping your pens in?

And Christmas books, what a load of bollocks. Titles like "Does Anything Eat Wasps?" and "Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit?" What kind of effing moron would need to ask questions like that, let alone have them answered?

This year's best selling bollocks Christmas Present Book is The Book Of General Ignorance which gives the "real" answers to questions everybody thought they knew the answer to. Now this book has been compiled by the most warped, sociopathic, anorak-wearing fuckers who ever drew breath.

How many wives did Henry VIII have. You thought it was six. Well only two apparently, two were annulled (which means some bloke in a silly hat says the marriage was never valid) and two were not legal because of quirks in the law.

Yeah but...no but... they were common law wives weren't they? The whole book is based on this kind of obsessive nit picking. How many women were killed for being witches. Only a few, the majority were acquitted we are told. But hang on, if a woman was accused of being a witch they had some quaint ways of trying them. One was to tie a big bag of stones on their backs and throw them in a pond or river. Then if they were a friend of Satan he would hold them on the surface and they would not be harmed until they were pulled out and executed. But if they sank and drowned they were innocent and were free to go to heaven without a stain on their character.

You see why this is a bollocks book? It is compiled by very stupid, very smug people who are convinced they are smarter than us. Unfortunately they do not have a one on one relationship with reality.

But there is a lot of that kind of thing around at Christmas because its bollocks.

Christmas crackers are bollocks. 'nuff said.

Christmas trees are bollocks except for fibre optic Christmas trees because - well you know Christmas TV and Christmas books are bollocks so if you have an ordinary tree all you can do is watch it shed needles, but if you have a fibre optic tree that changes colour and twinkles, just skin up a few joints, switch the tree on and you could get right through to New Year without hitting the ground.

RELATED POSTS:
The Craziest Doomsday Cult
Pastor Penney
Kidman's Alien Sex Fetish
The Little Cellphone - A Christmas Story
What The Dickens
Solstice Fires
Christmas Resistance
Christmas Tyranny
Baby Born On The Bog
January Coming Earlier
Boggart Blog Christmas At Pizza Noel Noel
Five Go Round Robin
The Christmas Story Retold
Let Down By Hope
What A Pagan Believes
Bible Basher
The Tail Of The Easter Bunny
My Problem With God
Christmas Is Bollocks
Christmas Appeal - Help Reunite Seperated Socks
Prime Minister A Christmas Caganer
Solstice Fires

INFORMATION & NAVIGATION

navigate

CATEGORIES

Fiction
Wide World - travel
Health / Wellbeing
Nature
Real Lives - biography
Past Perspectives
Philo & Sophia
Fools & Dreamers
Comment & Opinion Faith And Spirituality
Poetry Life And Times
Books
Entertainment
Music
Arts & Crafts
Environment
Food
Science & Tech.
Bog of Blogs

Visit The
BLOG INDEX
and keep up with our
comments around the
web

TAGS
Climate Change
BLOGS
Boggart Blog

Little Nicky Machiavelli

Boggart Network News

BOGGART BLOG ARCHIVES

BBselect001 BBselect002 BBselect003 BBselect004 BBselect005 BBselect006
MULTI MEDIA
Spoken Word
Video
Music
Graphic Art

LATEST POSTS & COMMENTS

BULLETIN
New Posts
Calorie Offsetting - The Fair Trade Way To Stay Slim
Everybody has heard of carbon offsetting, the super wheeze that will allow those of us in the civilised world to carry on as we are while the people of developing nations sell us their carbon allowances to keep body and soul together. Well how do you fancy our calorie offsetting scheme that allows you to eat what you like and pay a poor person to get fat for you

Hate Crime Law - Another Step Towards Fascism?
Those in politics who like to call themselves the progrssive left or progressive liberals love to talk about fairness and equality. Why themn are they so keen to introduce 'hate crime' laws that will grant privilege to certain groups in a system that depens on all being equal? Call us old fashioned but in our view there does not seem to be much justice in replacing one privileged elite with another.

Nothing Good Has Come Of The Internet.
When a technophobe denounces the internet as anti - social, anti jobs, a force for dumbing down or a waste of time it can easily be dismissed but when the CEO of a major technology company like Sony saays nothing good has ever come of the internet we should perhaps listen.

Rubber Baby Syndrome
If you thought the title would lead to a piece about sexual fetishes you are wrong – well wrongish. A programme on television last night dealt with a fad among women of a “certain age” (post menopausal insanity syndrome) for buying fake babies and acting as if they are not rubber but real real. These women, all well heeled and expensively if often somewhat...
The True Hockey Stick
Believer in the new religion of AGW, anthropogenic global warming or climate change will be sick of having their science based faith mocked and their scientist priests ridiculed. To help them hold to their belief we offer a change to own a fragment of the true hockey stick, the sacred symbol of their religion.

Bond Villain Targets Britain's Future by John De Roe.
Bill Gross, the world's biggest bond investor might have voted for Obama hnd has some sympathy for Labour because they talk of creating jobs, but he thinks the British economy is in worse shape than anyone is going to admit and is quite willing to take advantage of our vulnerability."

Drugs Online
One of the few growth industries is the selling of fake prescription drugs online. So long as the drugs sold as viagra, vallium, ritalin etc are just sugar pills there is no harm done. It's when people buy the real thing the trouble starts...
Slutbot, The Internet Cyberhooker
Men, have you been approached by a slutbot yet. A slutbot is a piece of malwae that arrives liooking like an e mail from a sexy young female who is desperate to have sex with you. Click on a link to find out more however and you invite a worm. trojan or key logger onto your computer where it will steal all your personal data. Unlike a real prostitute however who may give you a social diseas or if you are lucky just a hand job before running off with your money, you are never going to get anything from Slutbot.

Internet Access As A Human Right?
A survey carried out by the BBC found a majority of people around the world believe internet access should be a basic human right. We suspect a bit of statistical rigging because the majority of people in the world live below the poverty line and probably have more urgent priorities than surfing the net.

Dodgy Donor Scandal, As Conservatives Squirm We Name Labour Non Dom
As senior figures in the Labour party continue to milk the issue of Conservative Party donor Lord Ashcroft and his non domiciled tax status Boggart Blog delves into the financial affairs of a businessman who has financial links with the Labour party.

Feng Shui Shite
Whether you are sceptial of all such things or you believe in feng shui ans stuff here's an article that shows people who make their liing selling this shite are just rip off merchants.

Life On Mars
After rubbishing reports of UFOs and alien visitations for years scientists got very excited when they thought they had found water (ice) on the surface of Mars. This indicates that other planets in our solar system miht just be able to support life. Not as good as seeing a flying saucer in your back garden though is it?

GO TO Boggart Blog Back Catalogue for links to older posts

COMMENTS AND RECOMMENDED READING AROUND THE WEB
Wind Farms Could Contribute To Global Warning
AGW sceptics have a new ally, the formerly drum beating, flag waving Climate Change evangelical Massachusetts Institute Of Technology has unveiled a report based on studies by their scientists (who cannot pooibly be wrong because they are scientists) that shows if plans for wind power go ahead wind farms could raise the average gloval temperature by 1degree by the end of the century. Which is nice Bailing Out The Banks Simin Jenkins writing in The Guardian today revealed bailing out the banks cust us poor punter £1 trillion. See The Daily Stirrer for more...

World Climate WidgetSick of self righteous climate change evangelicals. Get the climate csange widget that shows the world hasn't been warming for ten years.

LibLabCon Election Slogan Keeping The politics out of politics.

Time To Hug A Hoodie Dizzy Thinks celebrates the selection of porn movie director Anna Span as a Lib Dem candidate.

Your Right To Know The James Bulger muder case has reurned to the forefront of news and looks set to stay there. Should Jon Venables and Robert Thompson ever have been released into society in view of what they did?

Demolishing The Green Jobs Lie As the Church Of Science scream that the Big Oil lobby has crucified their AGW God we find that government policies on "investing in green jobs" are being influenced by big wind, big sun and big carbon capture.

A New E U Treaty. Believe it or not only months after securing the Lison treaty the EU Komissarat is now pushing for a new, further reaching treaty to extend central powers and further erode national sovereignty.

FOR OLDER COMMENTS from our blog index click here. MORE FAVOURITES

Home
Top Of Page
Back Catalogue
Our Comments
The Daily Stirrer
Boggart Blog Central

More Comedy
Comic Verse
Cartoons
A Tale Told By An Idiot
Fiction
Past Perspectives
Philo & Sophia
Fools & Dreamers (poetry)
Boggart Blog Daily
Little Nicky Machiavelli