christmas_is_bollocks,religion, christianity, jesus,humour,humor,satire

Christmas Is Bollocks
KEYWORDS: christmas,christianity,festival,,religion,humour,humor,satire

Come on, admit it. When you saw the headline your heart leaped for joy. At last you thought, a like mineed person, sombody who thinks for himself. because let's be honest, if you had not agreed you would not have clicked through.

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Christmas is Bollocks
by ianrthorpe
first posted on Boggart Blog, 2006-12-27

Its over! What a relief!

Don't you hate Christmas? Oh come on, be honest. Don't call me Scrooge. Christmas is bollocks. Christmas things are bollocks. Christmas specials on tele are bollocks. Christmas food is bollocks. Everything about the whole over-hyped, over commercialised, overadvertised, overcelebrated mess of modern excess is bollocks.

Food. Nuts? Why do we buy nuts in their shells at Christmas? The rest of the year we (those of us who like to eat healthy anyway) get nice convenient packs of shelled nuts. But we can't have those at Christmas, oh no, its not traditional is it. So we dig out the nutcrackers and contentedly much on millions of fragments of indigestible shell.

And those bags of mixed nuts, why does anyone buy those. The picture on the pack shows lots of appetising almonds, walnuts, brazils, hazelnuts... when you open the bag, which is a major operation in itself, you get one almond, one skanky walnut, a couple of brazils, a hazelnut and twenty-five million peanuts. And peanuts aren't even nuts.

There are loads of drinks you only ever see at Christmas, Cinzano, Blue Bols, Drambuie, Advocaat. Who the bollocks drinks these bollocks drinks. I'll tell you who, people who only drink at Christmas, that's who. You know the type. They say...

"Ooh, I don't usually, but seeing as its Christmas I'll have a Brandy and Babycham with a Benidictine in it."

Who drinks Cinzano and Lemonade... or Advocaat? Saddos who know nothing about drinking. Clue: if it sounds like puke or looks like puke don't drink it. It should be against the law to drink at Christmas if you never drink through the rest of the year. If Tony Blair's government can find time to create three thousand new criminal offences you would think they could find time to include that.

Christmas presents are bollocks. There is a whole section of Chinese industry dedicated to making crap Christmas presents. Who needs a sweater with a logo that lights up, who needs a thing for keeping your pens in?

And Christmas books, what a load of bollocks. Titles like "Does Anything Eat Wasps?" and "Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit?" What kind of effing moron would need to ask questions like that, let alone have them answered?

This year's best selling bollocks Christmas Present Book is The Book Of General Ignorance which gives the "real" answers to questions everybody thought they knew the answer to. Now this book has been compiled by the most warped, sociopathic, anorak-wearing fuckers who ever drew breath.

How many wives did Henry VIII have. You thought it was six. Well only two apparently, two were annulled (which means some bloke in a silly hat says the marriage was never valid) and two were not legal because of quirks in the law.

Yeah but...no but... they were common law wives weren't they? The whole book is based on this kind of obsessive nit picking. How many women were killed for being witches. Only a few, the majority were acquitted we are told. But hang on, if a woman was accused of being a witch they had some quaint ways of trying them. One was to tie a big bag of stones on their backs and throw them in a pond or river. Then if they were a friend of Satan he would hold them on the surface and they would not be harmed until they were pulled out and executed. But if they sank and drowned they were innocent and were free to go to heaven without a stain on their character.

You see why this is a bollocks book? It is compiled by very stupid, very smug people who are convinced they are smarter than us. Unfortunately they do not have a one on one relationship with reality.

But there is a lot of that kind of thing around at Christmas because its bollocks.

Christmas crackers are bollocks. 'nuff said.

Christmas trees are bollocks except for fibre optic Christmas trees because - well you know Christmas TV and Christmas books are bollocks so if you have an ordinary tree all you can do is watch it shed needles, but if you have a fibre optic tree that changes colour and twinkles, just skin up a few joints, switch the tree on and you could get right through to New Year without hitting the ground.

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