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Christmas is coming - and Retail Christians are ready

by Ian R Thorpe A look at how Christmas has made Christianity the religion of retailing and Christians the most evangelical of consumers Contact us:

Christmas is coming - and Retail Christians are ready

by Ian R Thorpe

It is that time of year again when Halloween is gone, the leaves are off the trees and my daughter is dropping heavy hints about certain items of designer clothing that she things would suit her. there has been a wave of fresh converts to evangelical Christianity in the wake of many extreme weather related problems in Britain, the approach of the date on which the Mayan calender predicts the world will end and pictures showing the devastation wreaked by Hurricane Sandy on the east coast of the USA . The ranks of new Christians however appears to contain many who are unclear about the main dogmas of their new faith as we approach their first Christmas as true believers. “I’m still learning about this stuff and a lot of it seems weird,” admitted Sonya Bennett of Droitwich. “I mean, I believe in Jesus and The Devil and Saint Cliff Richard and all that stuff; I’m just a little hazy on the reasons behind the Christmas celebrations.”

Jesus' Mum and Dad, Mary and Joseph, were evicted when their home was repossessed when Maryt was about to drop the kid, I get that. Similar things have happened to people I know; its sad but no one I knew set off on a journey across the desert, they went down the social and said they was homeless and got put in a bed and breakfast place. I mean life's hard enough these days you don't wanna go creatying problems for yourself.

Much of the bewilderment seems to centre of the nature of the Christmas religious festival. Large numbers of newly minted Christians have been spotted queueing up for pre Christmas sales at fashionable retailers such as French Connection or Warehouse thinking they were observing the day the Wise Men set off to follow the star that had appeared over the X factor Winner's house.

“Jesus was Jewsish wasn't he, so it stands to reason Christmas is about lower prices because they're all t … they like good value,” said Barry Gomersall of Wigan.”

Thompson said many of her friends were also confused about the day. She said she felt that the First Church of Christ, Compulsive Shopper of which she became a member earlier this year, and other Chruches in the Evangelical Retail Association were not doing enough to help new members understand the true meaning of Chistianity.

“They just been to muddy the water, I suppose all that walking on it stirs up the bottom, I mean, think about it: Good Friday marks an occasion when something bad happened, All Hallows means everything Holy but Halloween is when everything unholy gets let loose and Monday Thursday doesn't know what day of the week it is. I'm not thick, I got a degree in waste management from Slaghoughton University but you've got to admit all that is just plain barmy,” Barry said. “You’d think it would be the other way around. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one expecting up to 60% off the cost of my salvation.” Sonya Bennett, a recent convert to the Fatima Evangelical Lutheran Synod of Zion, said the church calendar at first didn’t make sense to her. She said she had time to meditate and reflect on her faith while waiting in line from midnight till 4 a.m. outside Harrods for the Temple doors to open on the New Year sales.

“I finally thought it through while waiting to get my hands on a Stella McCartney cashmere sweater,” Ms. Bennett said. “Jesus was born at Easter when lambs are born, had his bar Mitzvah at Whitsun, met John the baptist and walked on water on August Bank Holiday, fed the five thousand at harvest festival, was crucified at Halloween and rose from the dead on Christmas Day.

Similar confusion surrounds “Cyber Monday,” on the last Monday in November, the modern Christian festival closest to the Eastern Orthodox Church's festival of the entrance of the Theotokos into the temple and which now marks the last day for ordering goods online to be certain of getting them in time for Christmas. Either that, or it’s something to do with putting the sprouts on to be sure they will be ready for Christmas dinner.

Reginald Scrote, a new member of the fundamentalist Little Sisters of Mercy Schmercy Jewish Catholic Fudamentalist Lattr Day Consumers Church in the leafy south London suburb of Lewisham, defended Christianity’s elaborate calendar. Everyfink's got its own significity innit? he told us.

“It’s reely not that complicated 4 everidge people if you use ur ed, Ash Wednesday is the day we remember volcano victims. Palm Sunday celebrates the day Jesus rode in2 Jerusalem after inventing the handheld personal digital assistant. Corpus Christi is the day the new term starts at Hoxford University.”

Price said his personal favourite day on the church calendar was Ruby Tuesday. “It used to be pancake day but everyone goes for a Ruby Murrray instead now,” he informed us poor, benighted unbelievers.

“Any day that honours both the five saints of Rolling Stones and Saint Tikka Masala who received the first recipe to be handed down from heaven on a tablet of Naan is truly a holy day in my book,” he added.

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Come on, admit it. When you saw the headline your heart leaped for joy. At last you thought, a like mineed person, sombody who thinks for himself. because let's be honest, if you had not agreed you would not have clicked through.
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