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Gordfellas - Is the Labour Goverment really like Goodfellas (strong language)
Stories coming from Downing Street accusing Labour Prime Miniter of bullying and being tempramentally unstable should worry us all. We know little of what goes on inside the seat of government and what we hear makes it sound like the movie Goodfellas.

Best Of Boggart Blog (8)

A Seasonal Miracle?


by ianrthorpe,
2006-11-30

South African Mr. (got that, Mr.) Charles Sibindana has been fined ZA$140 for making a fraudulent claim for sick pay. Mr. Sibindana submitted a certificate from his wife's gynaecologist to back up his claim that he took a week's sick leave because he was pregnant.

Now in my book that beats virgin birth by a distance.

RELATED POSTS:
Christmas Menu

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A Couple of Smiles Before It Gets Even More Painful

by ianrthorpe,
2006-11-29

Almost at the end of a month of bad and sad news; Iraq, Afghanistan, the Financial Markets, the environment and the death of Desert Orchid being just a few topics, its nice to hear something jolly.

So I enjoyed the story of the Surrey lady who while visiting the North East went into a hairdressers in Newcastle and asked "Could you do me a perm please."

"Why aye pet," came the reply, "I wandered lernley as a clerd..."

All in all its like the story of the northerner who took holy orders and was appointed vicar of an Anglican parish in Surrey. When he arrived at his church the verger said "I'm sorry about the state of the place, we have a problem with the myrrh." "The myrrh?" said the new vicar, "I didn't know you were high church."

"We're not," the verger said, "but what has that to do with cutting the grass?"

RELATED POSTS:
Comedy Main Menu
Poetry Menu

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Killjoy's Christmas Decorations

by ianrthorpe,
2006-11-28
Following on from last weeks revelations in Machiavelli blog about the Health and Safety Executive's plan to make sure all trees with the potential to fall over in high winds are properly managed with public safety the foremost consideration we bring you more news of Health and Safety fascism from the uber - jobsworths of Tower Hamlets Borough Council.

Last year these halfwit bureaucrats earned ridicule for banning all Merry Christmas type messages lest they offend the delicate sensibilities on non - Christians.

This year, with the complicity of Health and Safety Inspectors they have banned all wall and ceiling mounted decorations in all council premises because staff could be seriously injured while putting them up.

RELATED POSTS:
Christmas Menu
Authoritarian Box Ticking
Health And Safety Halloween

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"Jesus Is Not The Messiah"

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-27

The problem with protesters in other countries is they do not have a British sense of humour (to be fair neither do the police in other countries - and they tend to be a tad trigger happy into the bargain)

On last night's news I saw a shot of a protest against the visit of Pope Benedict to Turkey.

A woman in traditional muslim dress which made her look for all the world like Terry Jones in a famous scene in "The Life of Brian" brandished a placard that read "Jesus is not The Messiah, he is a Prophet of Islam."

"Oh why aren't you English dear," I thought. Had she been she might have had the wit to replace "he is a Prophet of Islam" with the words "he's a very naughty boy."

SCENE FROM LIFE OF BRIAN:
CROWD (in chorus) we want to see Brian, he is the Messiah.
T. Jones (as a woman): He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy.

I include that for the benefit of the very young or those who have led sheltered lives and have not yet seen the funniest film ever made.

RELATED POSTS:
Comedy Menu
Baby Bible Basher
Blair's Faith Foundation
They Prayed Him Straight

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Who Put That Gobshite On Television?

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-26

There's a wonderful scene in an episode of Father Ted where Dougal appears on T.V.

This arouses Father Jack from his drunken stupor. "Who put that gobshite on television?" he roars, hurling an empty whiskey bottle at the TV.

I have a similar moment every week when a certain contestant in X - Factor appears on screen. Its the one who is getting the "Granny" vote. Guess who (and I meant that most sincerely, friends.)

Meanwhile as Simon Cowell eliminated the most talented (the only talented?) contestant again I say GO PROCLAIMERS TRIBUTE BAND!

Oh I would vote five hundred times
if the voting lines were free,
yes I would vote five hundred times
to see Simon Cowell's misery...

RELATED POSTS:
X Factor Ship Of Dead Dreams
X Factor - The Bird Is The Word

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We Need Another Crackdown - suggestions please

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-25

Are Wee Johnny Reid's leadership ambitions distracting him from doing his job as Home Secretary? It must be all of a week since he announced a crackdown.

It is not so long ago the tartan terrier was announcing a dozen new crackdowns a day. There were crackdowns on anti social behaviour, binge drinking, illegal immigrants, truancy, exploding orange juice, obesity, beards, staying up late, harmless nutters, bullies, Clare Short, paedophiles, silly hats and the wrong kind of shite.

Then suddenly silence.

There are only two possibilities, that Dr. Reid is preoccupied with more important business or he has run out of things to crack down on.

Either way, to get wee Johnny back on the rails may we suggest crackdowns on the the following:

Farting in lifts,
Christmas albums,
Christmas books,
Christmas special offers
, Christmas,
Russell Brand,
Celebrity chefs,
Celebrities,
Delusional folk who go off to the jungle thinking they are celebrities,
Delusional folk who come back still unaware that everybody hates them, Panto Boy on the X - factor,
Peter Kay,
Spin.

Any suggestions you wish to add to the list will be forwarded to The Home Office.

RELATED POSTS: Comedy and Humour Menu
Politics and Economy Menu
Populisty Authoritarianism
The Politics Of Fear And Panic

Oo-er Missis, its the Tree Hugging Cannibals

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-23

In last night's episode of Torchwood (yes, I like Torchwood, after a dodgy first episode it has me suspending disbelief with great enthusiasm) the story was set around a remote farm in the Brecon Beacons. The tree - hugging locals had a very quaint tradition. Every ten years they would round up strangers in the area and eat them (shades if I'm the only cannibal in the village there I thought.) When the Torchwood statutory pretty girl asked the chief cannibal why they did this he replied "because it makes me happy." A chilling reminder there that among all the humandroids, shapeshifters, pan dimensional fart creatures and orgasm - eating aliens that pass through Cardiff's rip in the time - space continuum, good old human evil still has a lot to answer for.

Well that was how I saw it last night...

In this morning's paper I read that the nation's most famous tree hugger, Prince Charles, has just bought a run down farm in the Brecon Beacons.

Oo-er missis, is that coincidence or are sinister forces at work here?

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Alien Life In California
Life On Mars
Turd Nine From Outer Space
More Life On Mars
Alien In My Bed (MP3 audio)
Comedy, Humour Menu

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Blair's Super Nanny State

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-21

In an article for the Currant Bun Tony Blair announced the launch of The Super Nanny State.

As part of a crackdown on anti social behaviour teams of Super Nanny State Stormtroopers will swoop on areas where "poor parenting" is rife. "Poor parenting", according to Blair, is the cause of anti social behaviour and does incalculable harm to children.

People found guilty of "poor parenting" will be sent on parenting courses, to be run we guess by Ruth Kelly and a newly appointed parenting Csar rumoured to be Cilla from Coronation Street.

But, you might well ask, is the problem "poor parenting" or simply parenting? Boggart Blog thinks people with children should forget about parenting and go back to being Mums and Dads.

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Dolphins Don't Drink

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-20

You learn something every day. Yesterday, tucked up in bed with my cold and daytime TV I learned that Dolphins don't drink. Not "don't drink" in the sense of avoiding alcohol but don't drink full stop.

There are various theories as to why. Some zoologists say it is because aquatic mammals get their fluids from what they eat while others contend that as their kidneys cannot process sea water evolution has adapted them to get by without taking in water. While high on industrial strength lem-sips I have one of those moments of insight we get when our brains are addled. Dolphins don't drink because flippers are useless for holding a cup, glass or bottle.

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Government Warning - Trees Can Damage Your Health

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-19

URGENT HEALTH WARNING FROM H.M. GOVERNMENT - Standing under or near tress can seriously damage your health and lead may kill.

Our old friends at the Health and Safety Executive featured in our last blog (BTW apologies to readers who were expecting this post yesterday, there's a nasty bug going round the nether world and your favourite Boggart needed to take a sickie) when we highlighted Bozza Johnson's rantings at the ludicrous nannying of this bunch of hard - hatted, toetector - wearing fascists who seem intent on eliminating any kind of risk from our lives by making us prisoners of rules and regulations.

Now Boggart Blog pick up the standard itself and leads the resistance against the mindless bureaucracy of the clipboard wielding killjoys. Two years ago in Dunham Massey Park, Cheshire, a family were enjoying a winter outing in woodland of the 250 year old plantation when a freak gust of wind caused a Beech to fall. In falling the tree brought down its neighbour which, tragically, killed an eight year old boy.

It was an accident and nobody tried to pretend otherwise. Al least until The Health and Safety Executive got wind of it. As far as the Hard - Hatted, toetector wearing clipboard wielding box tickers are concerned there is no such thing as an act of God, there are only failures of management. If enough boxes had been ticked that freak gust of wind could have been managed.

The HSE Inspectorate demanded that the police arrest the park manager for criminal negligence.

A year later the police dropped the case due to lack of evidence. Presumably all the witnesses, being trees, declined to be interviewed. But the clipboard wielders could not accept a healthy tree simply falling down as healthy trees do from time to time.

The hard - hatted toetector wearers (who, we imagine, all have those anally retentive moustaches that are never allowed to grow more than a quarter of an inch long) were determined that in order to prevent any future tree - related incidents they would ensure procedures were put in place to identify any trees posing a danger to public safety because of their likelihood of falling over in high winds. Also the HSE are determined that the owners of potentially unstable trees are aware of their duty to manage woodland properly.

Whether this results in the National Trust having to cut down all the millions of trees under their management or in those tracts of ancient woodland the weirdie beardies have fought so long and hard to protect from building firms being destroyed because of public safety issues remains to be seen.

If this all seems a bit over the top to you, remember the motto of the HSE is "You Can't Be Too Paranoid.

Here is a facsimilie of a leaflet you will shortly be receiving through the post which details the HSE's advice for tree safety. Never go near trees when it is windy or it may become windy while you are there.

Do not let your dog worry trees, remember a frightened tree is a dangerous tree.

Do not try to feed trees, they may bite.

Do not catch trees or encourage them to follow you home, they make very bad domestic pets.

Always view trees from a safe distance, they can fall surprisingly quickly.

Do not consume fruit or nuts near trees. Seeing their offspring being eaten alive can upset them.

and finally
Always be wary of leaving the safety of your home to look for fun. Fun is dangerous and should be left to properly trained experts with adequate safety equipment.

Safety first second and third, fun nowhere,

The Health and Safety Executive.

Saving Lives Is A Risky Business say Heath and Safety Executive

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Bozza's Tree Crusade

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-17

I was snooping around the Blog of Bozza (or Boris Johnson M.P or Bo - Jo to his fans) the other day. You might think this strange behaviour for an unrepentant old Liberal like me, but I always find Bozza good value). On that occasion I enjoyed his fulminations against the Health and Safety Executive (H.S.E.)

"There are now 3621 pages of Health and Safety legislation, that's 76* times the length of War and Peace" the Blonde One thundered, ending with the question that mustn't be on everyone's lips "is this good for the country?"

Well it is certainly not good for trees. Which is perhaps why the arboreal population of this sceptred isle is coming in for some attention from the HSE which is worried about the safety risks posed by uncontrolled trees.

But we will be returning to that issue tomorrow.

*probably an exaggeration. If it was my blog it would be for comic effect but as its Bozza we're talking about, who knows?

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Pissed as a Moose

by ianrthorpe
@ 2006-11-14

I am always interested to get news from Sweden, having worked in that delighgtful country for a while. The trouble is Sweden is too nice, no terrorists want to blow things up, there is no religious right tarring and feathering people for having fun and even the corporations display a praiseworthy degree os social responsibility. In other words there just isn't enough news in Sweden. Which makes little gems like this more enjoyable.

The Goteborgs - Posten newspaper has been reporting stoeies concerning a moose that is terrorising the city's children. The local police chief blames apples. It turns out the moose is eating windfall apples which have fermented naturally to produce an alcoholic subsatance similar to the Scrumpy Cider know to all who have visited the English West Country (and particularly those who frequent jazz festivals in that part of the world.)

"We are dealing with an ELK - o - holic here," a spokesperson for the police department said (allegedly.)

Drunken Elk In The Orchard

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Cornish Pasty Wars

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-13

There be grumblings down in the west country, ooh - arrr. They ig'rant Dev'ners is trying to say they'm inventing t' Corrrrnish Pasty an' Corrrrnwall stoleded it of'n un."

The controversy arises from a discovery made in the audit book of a 16th century Devonian housekeeper who had written on one of the pages her recipe for pasties.

The first written record of a Cornish pasty dates from 1746.

The important word here is "written." As Terry Pratchett says, "never take any notice of things written down on paper. A thing cannot be of the least importance if somebody had time to write it down." Quite. Empirical evidence is needed and over in Cornwall they claim the recipe for pasties has been handed down through the oral tradition since 8000 B.C.

Nobody knows the true origins of pastry of course and therefore we can be certain of nothing, but I am with Cornwall on this one. And furthermore I am willing to testify that in Motorway services restaurants on many occasions I have eaten 10,000 year old pasties.

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I Just Met A Girl Named Maria

. by ianrthorpe
2006-11-12

From time to time something happens that makes me feel I am once more young and attractive to the opposite sex. I have the internet to thank for this. Such an instance was the e-mail I received this week from Maria. She wrote:

"Hello Mr. Torp. I am dark hair Russian, age 26, attractive professional lady and working in marketing structure selling cosmetic (ooh that accent sends chills up and down my spine.).I read your details on world wide web and find you interesting, attractive man (Isn't she wonderful?) I am intelligent, mature woman who is ready for creating family with good man. (ah - erm, creating family? As in making babies? She obviously didn't read the bit about the vasectomy...) Even if this is not your searching for in the future it would be fine if we can meet and do friendship (friendship, bugger! I thought I'd scored) or maybe do more than just friendship (I have scored!)

Mail me,
yours with love and many kisses, (now hang on girl, we haven't been properly introduced)
Maria.

Needless to say I'm all of a flutter wondering does she have green eyes and those classic Russian cheekbones, is her accent really that cute and will the overdraft stretch to an hour of her time or just a quickie?

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The Wages Of Sin

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-10

British Christian Fundamentalist minister George Hargreaves is known for his hard - line position on most issues concerning sex and drugs and rock & roll. His views on abortion, contraception (the only acceptable method it seems is the one where the woman holds a pocket bible between her knees) , stem cell research and same - sex partnerships are pretty much what you would expect from a founder member of an organisation called Christian Voice.

And George is a very active campaigner on all these issues.

But it has not always been so. In the 1980s George wrote a song that was a world wide hit for Sinitta and has since become a gay anthem in clubs on every continent. Here is a sample of the lyric:

So macho,
he's gotta be so macho,
gotta be big and strong,
enough to turn me on.

Well I suppose its OK to dance to the song so long as you don't act on its advice.

Nice though to see the wages of sin, estimated at 10,000 a year, providing us with such a wonderful iron.

Now I have a link to a searchable Bible somewhere, let's see what it says about hypocrisy.

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And I though it was just my wife

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-09

British women aged over 40 own an average of 19 pairs of shooes but it is not uncommon to have more than 100. Woman and Home polled more than 1,500 women over 40 on their attitudes and found that handbags are also popular, with 11 being the average. Some women said they owned more than 200 and a third said they lied about the cost of their shopping sprees.

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Stupid Crtminal Of The Week: Shrink wrapped criminal

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-07

A Bosnian burglar escaped from jail in Austria by having himself shrink-wrapped in plastic and taken out with parts for street lamps hade by inmates. The lorry driver noticed a rip in one of his pallets soon after leaving the jail, but Muradif H, 36, show was serving a seven-year term in Graz, had fled. He remains at large.

I hope he didn't need a wee while he was in the wrapping. The only way I can ever get stuff out of shrink wrapping is by stabbing the stuff with a knife or screwdriver.

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The Buzz About The X Factor

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-05

On last saturday's X - Factor show Sharon Osbourne criticised the prettiest and most talented girl singer remaining, saying the sound of her vibrato had ruined her performance.

I had to agree with La Donna O. Back when I was staging rock concerts I always used to remind female performers to switch their vibratos off before they wen't onstage. The Microphones can pick up the buzz.

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Who Makes All The Pies?

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-03

During environment question time yesterday, amid all the weighty queries about global warming, deforestation, drought, famine etc. Mary Creagh, MP for Wakefield, demanded that the Minister congratulate a butcher in her constituency for willing the Large Pork Pie category at the Great Yorkshire Pie Show as this, apparently, is the world cup of pie making.

Nice to see they have their pieorities (sorry, couldn't resist) sorted in Yorkshire

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Proud To Be Pissed - A New Year Message for readers. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-31 17:03:32

Boggart Blog's New Year Message to our readers is "be proud of your heritage, get bladdered."

Despite repeated Government warnings of the health hazards of binge drinking which suggest it is a recent phemonnonomonxxx phnemnioxxxxx pfemonionxxxxx trend (sorry we've had a couple in the editorial office)binge drinking is a longstanding British tradition.

Hazel Blears who is minister for saying very silly things issued a statement to the effect that the British are not ready to adopt continental drinking patterns.

Too Bloody Right we're not. We enjoy getting rat - arsed. The Roman historian Tacitus, writing in the first century AD said, "The Britons have a tendency when feasting to drink ale or wine until they fall into a stupor." Julius Caesar had first noted the trend a hundred years earlier. "They are formidable fighters but unreliable due to their habit of drinking heavily before battle," he noted.

So forget the shame attached to drunkenness, that is just an invention of the nanny state. Let's welcome the New Year by proclaiming to the world that we the British people are Proud To Be Pissed.

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,
Its Just Criminal by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-29 16:49:09

There's bugger all happens between Christmas and New Year so its time to dig out the old Armitasge Shanks joke book (in my days as an occasional stand up I was Armitage Shanks, The Man Who Puts The BIZ in Showbiz,) and try to raise a smile.

Over the holiday theives broke into a greenhouse at Kew Gardens and stole many rare trees and shubs. Earlier today police arrested two men who were driving in a truck loaded with exotic vegitation.

A the men denied involvement in the theft and said the evidence was planted.

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A Bizarre Story From Derby by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-28 17:20:11 Derbyshire County Council have ordered their webmasters to use content filtering to prevent the Ramblers' Association Derby Dales Group web page being accessed from library internet cafes in the county.

The Derby ramblers' web content falls within the county councils' definition of a sex website the press release reveals.

No surprise then that Derby ramblers "love to go a - wandering along the mountain track" then but just what the hell does rambling involve in the Derby Dales we wonder?

I must ask Mike St. Mark if he has experienced any interesting variations from the norm while walking in the Peak district.

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Christmas is Bollocks by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-27 17:54:06

Its over! What a relief!

Don't you hate Christmas? Oh come on, be honest. Don't call me Scrooge. Christmas is bollocks. Christmas things are bollocks. Christmas specials on tele are bollocks. Christmas food is bollocks. Everything about the whole over-hyped, over commercialised, overadvertised, overcelebrated mess of modern excess is bollocks. Food. Nuts? Why do we buy nuts in their shells at Christmas? The rest of the year we (those of us who like to eat healthy anyway) get nice convenient ...

CLICK HERE To read all Christmas Is Bollocks

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Belated Greetings by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-26 16:52:09 Boggart Blog took unscheduled downtime a couple of days before the offiocial break started. This was due to (1) visitors, (2) server problems and (3) a totally silly wild adventure in Christmas shopping...

"oh yeah love, I'll be fine walking the half mile back to the car through this hilly town, you just whack the shopping in my wheelchair." (well I couldn't let Teri do the trip twice.

Now half a mile is a tad over my limit even on level ground. I made the trip but with several large back muscles totally wrecked and needing a few days.

Still, if you can't do something idiotic at this time of year when can you do something idiotic?

Belated seasons greetings to all regular readers and visitors.

Back tomorrow.

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A blog post about sweeet FA by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-22 17:29:41

Nice to see the Freedom Association* getting involved in the London mayoral election campaign with an attack on Ken Livingstone's anti - semitism. The appearance of a new political body promotiong libertarian values is always welcome.

Unfortunately their chance of winning any seats on the London Assembly are as described on their logo. F.A.

*I am assuming this F.A. is nothing to do with the 1970s F.A. a group of Express, Mail and Telegraph readers that campaigned for freedoms such as the right to enslave unmarried mothers and the right to put black babies in casseroles.

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A quick roundup by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-21 18:26:38

Boggart Blog has always prided itself on bringing you the news that is not worth reading from around the world: here is a roundup of the last few days...

Starting In Sweden

After enduring years of ridicule, the inhabitants of the Swedish village of Fjuckby have handed in an application to Swedish authorities to have the hamlet's name changed to Fjukeby.

Meanwhile in the USA

Border patrol officers found a four foot long alligator in a suitcase during a routine traffic stop in south-west Arizona. Lloyd Easterling, a spokesman, said it was discovered when agents detained a driver in Yuma after drug sniffing dogs singled out the car where the case was. Marijuana was also found.

...its the art of it that matters in France...

Pierre Herme, the so-called 'Picasso of patisserie' won the annual award presented by the newspaper Le Figaro for the best croissant in Paris. He said the test of a perfect croissant should be more than how it tasted, looked or smelt.

"The noise of the croissant is also very important," he said. "I can almost hear them shout when people tear them apart."

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The Durex List by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-20 17:29:21

Every year the makers of Durex condoms conduct a worldwide survey of sexual behaviour in adults. One of the facts this reveals is the average number of partners per person by nationality.

Out of idle curiosity I looked at the list and.... (blushes) I've been a very naughty boy.

Here are a selection of national scores:

Turkey - 14.5
Australia - 13.3
Italy - 11.8
Switzerland - 11.1
U.S.A. - 10.7 (Not top? that will shut them right up!)
Japan - 10.2
U.K. - 9.8
Austria - 9.7
France - 8.1
Singapore - 7.2
Surprisingly China and India are way down the list with 3.1 and 3.0 respectively. Makes you wonder how there are so many of them.

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Posh Spice becoming an Alien? Strange but possibly true. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-19 19:58:11

If you have seen recent pictures of Victoria Beckham nee Posh Spice you may have thought there was something not quite human about them.

Well you could be right. The whisper over at Salon.com is that with the help of the ArchThetan Tom Cruise (4'6"), Professional celebrity Posh is to become an alien bride.

Well that should give us more entertainment than her singing ever has.

Read it for yourself here

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Pissed As A Camel by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-17 18:07:58

Staff at an Irish riding school had to postpone a Christmas party after Gus the camel chomped his way through 200 mince pies and several cans of Guinness meant for their festivities. Gus, starring in the riding school's Santa's Magical Animal Kingdon show, filled up while staff were changing for their party.

Camels store liquids in their humps of course.

Which means there is a camel with a hump full of guinness on the loose in Ireland.

I don't give much for his chances of making it through the next two weeks.

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AIDS Message Rammed Home by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-16 17:20:19

Now it is very naughty and not at all politically correct to make fun of serious subjects. But has that ever stopped Boggart Blog before?

Right!

So it would be remiss of us not to comment on the World Health Organisation's report on the spread of AIDS in Africa. Now the WHO is a very serious body that does not deal in puns, double entendres and smutty jokes.

So when the report of findings that male circumcision reduces the chances of contracting HIV infection by 50%, a document of considerable gravitas, who the hell decided the launch presentation would be given by Mr. Kevin de Cock.

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Those Whom The Gods Would Destroy... #1 by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-15 17:20:55

Those whom the gods would destroy they first make ridiculous. Dare we hope then that the forces of natural justice have something spectacularly nasty planned for the Labour politicians who have surpassed in arrogance the last days of John Major's tory government. Because events atre certainly making the dark lords of the New Labour project look a right bunch of twats.

Let us all rejoice then at the news that in this season of merriment an official Labour Party DVD containing Blair's last speech to conference as leader and a film record of Labour's years in office titled Labour Achievement Film (interesting acronym there BTW) has been reduced to 5 per copy to clear stocks.

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Golden Globes by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-14 17:20:49

A headline on teletext informed me Helen Mirren is nominated for "three globes."

Now I can't see why she needs three, I remember from when she was an up and coming young actress the two very attractive ones she grew herself.

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Boggart Abroad by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-13 17:54:49

Read this at Huffington Post yesterday.

Not surprisingly, the Bush administration is already backing away from most of the 79 proposals put forth by the Iraq Study Group. But while Bush isn't ready to follow the group's recommendations, he's ready to adopt its slogan, "New Way Forward." The president may not be into things like facts, truth, or reality, but he loves a good slogan. Of course, that's been the problem during this entire fiasco -- the substitution of rhetoric for policy -- the belief, even at this late date, that reality can be changed simply by changing the language used to describe it. Bush makes a big show of his religious faith, but what's truly impressive is his incredible faith in the power of PR, and, accordingly, his lack of faith in the American people. I think the slogan is a missed opportunity. As we know Bush and Blair are desperately seeking a way to get out without losing face could we suggest the new slogan be amended to read Backwards is the new way forward.

While we're on American military matters we also read while blogging abroad yeaterday that an independant watchdog has revealed senior US officers are coercing soldiers into converting fundamentalist christianity.

People who refuse to be "born again" are left in no doubt their careers will hit a dead end.

This is good news for the anti war movement. The fubnies are so paranoid that all the Afghans and Iraqis will have to do is dress in halloween costumes and the Americans will think the Devil has come to get them and run away.

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Farewell Augusto - you inspired so many by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-12 17:32:27

New Labour Blogger Bob Piper yesterday made a jibe at the "warm tributes" being paid to Pinochet and recalled that the Blessed Maggie's was best buddies with the dead dictator.

Our best buddy Little Nicky Machiavelli commented:

Yeah, Thatcher being best buddies with a murdering tyrant was a terrible disgrace to this country. A bit like Blair being best buddies with the tyrant, torturer and war criminal Bush, the tyrant Gaddafi and the limb amputating vagina mutilators of the Saudi Royal House

.

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A Very Boggart Christmas. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-11 17:26:29

Working for Jenny Greenteeth has its perks. Boggarts such as Jenny live outside the normal time / space continuum and can move events around at random. So yesterday we celebrated our family Christmas.

The reason for this eccentric behaviour is that Darling Daughter is off to France to work as a sports masseur & physiotherapist through the not skiing season (no snow in France this year it seems)

It has been a hectic few days since Gabby twice arrived on the saner side of the Pennines bringing all her stuff from the apartment she has just vacated. David is also in residence having rendered himself homeless. Disregarding parental warnings he took up a tenancy in which rent books and contracts did not figure - and naturally landed back in the parental home several months ago.

Now I neither know nor want to know what kind of altered consciousness my offspring inhabit but they both seem unaware that it is six years since we moved from the TARDIS-like Thorpe Towers (an elegant old terrace with attic and cellar) to a bijou and compact three bedroomed bungalow. Things are a bit cramped to say the least.

But its amazing what good dining stools David's professional speakers make.

And that is why we took a Christmas break early. You see he's booked solid over the holiday and we would have nowhere to sit

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The New Redneck Sport - Animal Throwing by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-09 18:28:57

You may not have heard of the sport of pig throwing yet but I predict it is going to be the next big thing, surpassing pie - eating, dwarf - bowling and even cesspit snorkelling in popularity.

In West Point Mississippi a man named Kevin Pugh has become the first to be convicted of pig throwing. Pugh was fined $249 for throwing a pig at a hotel receptionist. Its a strange amount to be fined but I suppose it was the maximum $150 for assaulting the receptionist but only $124 for throwing a pig as the creature only weighed 60 pounds. It is not clear why Pugh threw a pig at the victim. Hotel receptionists are usually polite and helpful but occasional mutants have been mistaken for members of genus Jobsworth due to their infuriating refusal to listen to reason.

Any fault on the part of the receptionist involved in the case seems unlikely however as the Pugh pig-throw was one of a spate of check-shirt-wearing-pickup-truck-driving-lard-arse related animal throwing incidents in the West Point area that night.

A police spokesman said, "It must be some new redneck thing because no similar incidents have ever been reported before.

Pugh has pleaded not guilty to a further charge of throwing a possum at fast food restaurant counter hand.

On grounds of diminished responsibility we assume.

The psychiatric report will make interesting reading.

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Bono GetsThe Clap by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-08 17:53:04

Don't we all love it when the most pompous celebrities get their come uppance.

I heard a wonderful story yesterday, it happened a whiole ago so maybe some of you already know of it.

During a gig in Glasgow Saint Bono stood frontstage, held up his hands for silence and then started clapping slowly.

"Do you realise," he said, "every time I clap my hands a child dies in Africa.

And from the audience a Glaswegian voice called out "well stop fucking clapping Jimmy."

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Farts of Mass Destruction by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-07 16:05:22

A story picked up from Yahoo News yesterday makes us wonder if the Turrrists and People of Evelyn Tent are getting more subtle and cunning or if the security forces are getting more stupid and paranoid.

An Aircraft bound for Dallas on a U,S. internal flight was forced to land in Nashville when passengers complained of the smell of burning sulphur. The authorities immediately went on teror alert

Later a woman admitted to FBI agents she had struck several matches to conceal the stink of her rancid farts.

Were this a serious blog we might well ask how, when it is impossible to get a bottle of springwater on a 'plane Mrs Fartybottom managed to sneak matches past airport security.

Instead we will simply promise never ever to use the phrase "about as dangerous as a smelly fart" in an ironic way again.

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Reality Withdrawal by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-04 17:23:59

Now that Celebrity-Strictly-Come-Dancing-Out-Of-The-Jungle-To-Love-Island is almost finished its increasingly surreal - yes, surreal; think Peter Schmichel dancing the Tango, Robbie from East Enders actually being popular, Jan Leeming deluding herself she is a sex bomb and Smiley Smiley Carol Smillie almost looking sexy (not to mention Myleen's boobies) - and the altered state of Christmas still three weeks away how will we ever cope.

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Blair Style Apology by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-03 16:58:51

I want to say I'm very very sorry, not for slavery or the Irish Potato Famine, Blair has already done them; not even for The Dissolution of the Monatries or for Santa Claus The Movie even, although all of these were terrible crimes against humanity. No, I have to apologise for something much worse.

Last week, in commenting on The X - Factor I said The MacDonald Bros. were a Proclaimers Tribute Band.

Well to prove me wrong last night they showed their versatility by covering Shang - A - Lang by the Bay City Rollers, complete with a tartan-scarf-waving section in the audience. I have to say it wasn't half bad (not 'arf - farewell Fluff, thanks for all the music.) If fact its sounded just like...

....................
..........................
..................................
..........................................
..................................
...........................
.....................

it would if The Proclaimers sang it.

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Jelly Fish dish takes the biscuit. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-02 18:24:37

Japan is beseiged by two metre wide, four hundred pound alien jelly fish (OK, I lied about the alien bit.)

But in a twist worthy of Tim Burton's sci - fi spoof movie Mars Attacks in which the seemingly indestructibe aliens explode when Slim Whitman's record of Indian Love Call is played, the fearless and brilliant students of Obama Fisheries High School in Fukui Province (sorry, no pronunciation guide available) have developed a technique for making the giant invertibrates into biscuits (or cookies if you are American.)

A Japanese food writer comments "the biscuits have a superbly textured sweetness nicely complemented by the bitter, salty taste normally associated with jellyfish.

Yeah, right.

I think I'll stick with my Hob Nobs

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The Man With The Pollonium Gun by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-01 17:37:20

The murdered Russian Spy story rumbles on and the trail of suspicion which has pointed to a London Hotel, a Sushi bar, The Kremlin and Muswell Hill now shifts once more. A new figure has emerged in the form of Professor Scaramella of Naples.

Professor who? Somebody is having a laugh. Was this new twist by any chance reported by a correspondent named Ffion Lemming? And is the Professor a bald, weasel faced man who carries a Persian cat everywhere and rides round in a nuclear powered wheelchair that shoots jets of scalding hot minestrone soup at enemies.

I think the only way this case will ever be solved is if, for information leading to the capture of the criminals a substantial reward is offered.

ONE MILLION DOLLARS ought to do the trick

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BBC Comedy

BBC Comedy Blog
Updated : Tue, 28 Aug 2012 09:53:42 +0000

Comedy Talent Search - Laugh Track

BBC Comedy Commissioning and BBC Writersroom have joined forces for a second nationwide talent search to find new comedy gold. If you have a big studio sitcom brewing in your mind and can tell original stories, invent characters and catchphrases that can make a live audience laugh, then send in your script.

This is an opportunity not to be missed - you may get the chance of your work performed at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and at our Sitcom Showcase at the Studio in MediaCity, Salford. You could also be in line for a comedy masterclass on how to write studio sitcoms, plus an intensive week away developing your idea hand-in-hand with BBC comedy producers and established comedy writing talent.

 

The amazing Dawn French will be on the panel of judges. Cheryl Taylor (Controller, Comedy Commissioning), who judged last year's BBC writersroom comedy talent search says: "I was thrilled last year by the number of very funny and original scripts that we were asked to judge. It was a pleasure to read all of the short listed projects as was having the opportunity to meet some of their very talented authors."

The deadling for entries is Wednesday, 21 March 2012. For information on how to enter, visit the Writersroom website.


Publ.Date : Thu, 02 Feb 2012 13:52:39 +0000

Twenty Twelve is back!

Yep, that's right. Twenty Twelve is returning to our screens at 10pm on Friday 30th March on BBC Two.

This series the pressure mounts as the Olympic Deliverance team try to navigate their way through such delicate issues as how to handle the Algerian team's demand for a mosque in the Olympic village, and how to carry out a Legacy Audit on the rival bids for the Stadium when no one knows what a Legacy Audit is.

Here's a clip of Ian, Siobhan and the ever dedicated Sally, drafting a press release about the Deliverance teams commitment to 'multicuturality':

In order to see this content you need to have both Javascript enabled and Flash installed. Visit BBC Webwise for full instructions. If you're reading via RSS, you'll need to visit the blog to access this content.

More from Twenty Twelve:


Publ.Date : Fri, 23 Mar 2012 17:00:00 +0000

Leaked Emails: 'The Greatest Show on Earth'?

Twenty Twelve is returning to our screens on Friday at 10pm on BBC Two.

With the official announcement this week that the Olympic site is coming along nicely, the Twenty Twelve Deliverance team have been working around the clock to ensure that the games go off without a hitch.

Unfortunately, Graham must have left his computer unlocked, as we've been forwarded some e-mails that Ian might not want to world to see...


From: Ian Fletcher
To: Nick Jowett; Graham Hitchins; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: IOC visit

 
As you are no doubt aware, the International Olympic Committee are in London this week and will be visiting our offices on Friday. Following the PM's lead, our official line on the London games is that (despite what I may have said in Wednesday’s meeting) they will be "the greatest show on earth".


From: Graham Hitchins
To: Ian Fletcher; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit

What about Cirque du Soleil?

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit
 
What about Cirque do Soleil??!

From: Graham Hitchins
To: Ian Fletcher; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit

That was my question.


From: Ian Fletcher
To: Nick Jowett; Graham Hitchins; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit
 
I KNOW - I was making point. Specifically: what you may personally believe is irrelevant - when speaking to anyone from the IOC, this year's games will be the greatest show on earth. OK?

From: Siobhan Sharpe
To: Ian Fletcher; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Graham Hitchins
Subject: RE: IOC visit
 
Pyramids.

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit
 
Siobhan, I know I have repeatedly asked you to make your emails more succinct, but I think we need to find a middle ground here.

From: Siobhan Sharpe
To: Ian Fletcher; Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope
Subject: RE: IOC visit
 
Pretty sure that the pyramids are one of 'the greatest shows on earth'. Duh. Should be worried about copyright issues?

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Siobhan Sharpe; Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope
Subject: RE: IOC visit
 
You're thinking of 'wonders of the world'. No-one has ever said that the London Olympics will be one of the seven wonders of the world.
 

...Well, the Mayor did, but we managed to keep it out of the press.


From: Ian Fletcher
To: Siobhan Sharpe; Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope
Subject: IOC visit - update!

UPDATE: It seems that the PM has also said "London will be ready on time and on budget" which, to put it charitably, is a half-truth. The press are likely to jump all over this, so today might be a good day to bury any embarrassing news we’ve been sitting on.

From: Siobhan Sharpe
To: Ian Fletcher; Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope
Subject: RE: IOC visit - update!

I’m on it!

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit - update!

WHO ISSUED A PRESS RELEASE SAYING WE ARE BEHIND SCHEDULE AND OVER BUDGET??!!

From: Siobhan Sharpe
To: Ian Fletcher; Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope
Subject: <<Out of Office AutoReply>> RE: IOC visit - update!
  
Thank you for your message. I am currently out of the office at an emergency press briefing. If your query is press-related please contact Ian.Fletcher@ODC2012.co.uk

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: <<Out of Office AutoReply>> RE: IOC visit - update!

Thank you for your message. I am currently out of the office at an unforeseen press briefing. If your query is Olympics-related please contact Siobhan@PerfectCurve.co.uk

Ian.
 
More from Twenty Twelve:

The Twenty Twelve emails were written by Larry Rickard.


Publ.Date : Thu, 29 Mar 2012 15:30:00 +0000

Comedy and Multiplatform

 

Up in Edinburgh, the BBC's College of Production (COP) has been talking to comedians about online shennanigans. The COP's Catherine Scott writes...


Yesterday saw four of comedy's bright new stars share their thoughts on how to be 'funny and multiplatform', during BBC College of Production's live podcast from the BBC Edinburgh Festival base in Potterow. The panel consisted of Daniel Berg, the comedy writer and developer who specialises in viral video, Bec Hill, named one of the "Top 10 Funniest Comedians on Twitter", Arron Ferguson of alternative comedy duo Not The Adventures of Moleman and Iván González, one half of Foster's Edinburgh Comedy Award 2011-winning duo Max and Ivan.

Prolific Tweeter Bec Hill told us how she started using online platforms simply to share her comedy sketches and cartoons with her friends, and was pleasantly surprised when it snowballed into a 3000+ Twitter following. Bec also noted that her online audience has grown much faster than her live audience – "I've reached 100,000 views on YouTube, I certainly haven’t got that in Edinburgh yet!".

Daniel Berg's passion for viral videos was evident when a strong gust of Scottish wind blasted through the pink tent and he remarked "Film that, that'll go viral!". Daniel spoke of how social media and online platforms give new acts the chance for exposure without the need to be commissioned. When wrangling with the shorter attention span of the internet audience, Daniel’s advice to comedians was "Keep your content topical, and keep it short."

Ivan Gonzalez sang the praises of online platforms such as YouTube for giving comedians creative control, and also gave a shout-out to BBC's iPlayer and Feed My Funny for allowing viewers to access comedy outside the restrictions of viewing schedules. Like Bec Hill, Ivan also enjoys the immediacy of 140 character jokes on Twitter – and if the #EdFest feed this week is anything to go by, so do a lot of us (“Just been to a lecture on how to build a ship. Riveting!")

Arron Ferguson's two-man sketch troupe Not The Adventures of Moleman actually began as a solely online act, only venturing out onto the live circuit once they had built a large online following. Noting that "some people think you need to be live to be comedians", Arron pointed out that a lot of NTAOM's sketches actually work better online, because film can provide subtle shots that might be missed in onstage comedy. Arron also gave us possibly the most useful piece of advice on treating online platforms with respect – "Don’t use Twitter to invite all your fans to KFC!"

Although the public passion for live comedy gigs remains strong, any new comedian entering the industry should remember that there is a plethora of other options available to them for making their name and getting their work out there. It might take a while to build up 100,000 hits on YouTube or 1000 followers on Twitter, but as our guests concluded “As long as you’re having fun, that's what matters."

Listen to the full podcast.

Follow College of Production @BBCCop


Publ.Date : Thu, 23 Aug 2012 13:48:00 +0000

David Walliams' Mr Stink Comes to BBC One
 

"Mr Stink stank. He also stunk. And if it was correct English to say he stinked,
then he stinked as well…"

David Walliams' best-selling children's novel Mr Stink is set to come alive as a comedy drama for all the family on BBC One later this year.

The touching, twisted and hilarious tale tells of Mr Stink, who is befriended by a local girl Chloe. Chloe sees Mr Stink every day, but she's never spoken to him, which isn't surprising, because he's a tramp, and he stinks.

 

When it looks like Mr Stink might be driven out of town, Chloe hides her unusual friend in her garden shed. As she struggles to make sure no one sniffs out Mr Stink, her dad tries to hide a secret of his own, and the stage is set for an epic family confrontation. There is also one other person with an extraordinary secret: it turns out that there is more to Mr Stink than meets the eye… or nose.

David Walliams, who will play the role of the Prime Minister in the show, says: "I am beyond thrilled that BBC One is adapting my children's book 'Mr Stink' into a family film. I have written the script, and can't wait to see actors bring it to life." BBC One Controller Danny Cohen added: "Mr Stink is a heart-warming, nose-clenching and funny tale which will appeal to viewers of all ages. It's brilliant to be working with David to bring his magical tale to BBC One." Mark Freeland, Head of Comedy, finishes the stinky love-in by saying: "I am delighted that the BBC is continuing its relationship with the multi-talented David Walliams. Mr Stink has become an instant classic and it's so exciting to see it come to life on TV. Both my children would echo that. But then they both want parts, so…"


Publ.Date : Tue, 21 Feb 2012 08:00:00 +0000

http://newyorksecuritysystempros.com


How To Add RSS Feed To Your Website
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Daily Mash

The Daily Mash
Updated : Fri, 31 Oct 2014 13:03:00 +0000

Met Office computer predicts weather and builds robot soldiers
THE Met Office has built a new supercomputer that can detect bad weather and send robots back in time to stop it.
Publ.Date : Thu, 30 Oct 2014 12:19:01 +0000

Gerrard to take Liverpool fans with him
STEVEN Gerrard has told Liverpool FC he plans to leave the club and take its fanbase of 71 million with him.
Publ.Date : Fri, 31 Oct 2014 10:25:36 +0000

High-earning bastard sick of everyone presuming he has good side
A SUCCESSFUL City banker has asked everyone to stop suggesting he secretly has a heart of gold.
Publ.Date : Fri, 31 Oct 2014 09:26:51 +0000

McDonald’s unveils ‘at least it’s not a f**king gourmet burger’ slogan
BURGER chain McDonald’s has a new slogan emphasising that at least its product is unpretentious.
Publ.Date : Thu, 30 Oct 2014 10:44:48 +0000

Next person who says they are ‘loving’ something to get punched in the face
THE next individual to describe themselves as ‘loving’ this or that can be punched squarely in the face, the government has confirmed.
Publ.Date : Thu, 30 Oct 2014 09:33:50 +0000

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How Western Intervention Turned Africa's Richest Nation Into A Failed State It is three years this week since the Western-backed assassination of Libya's dictator, Muammar 'Mad Dog' Gaddafi. The western bombing campaign in support of a rag bag army of Islamic religious fantatics, tribal warlords and self interested gangsters led to the fall and murder of Gadaffi and members of his family and the collapse of Africa’s richest and most morder nation. [Read more]

Death In The Desert - An Ill-Fated Attempt to Reach Fortress Europe.
Criminal gangs in Africa and south East Asia are recruiting desperate people for passages to Europe with promises of jobs and housing and tales of socialist utopias where the government pays all comers a good wage for doing nothing. Too often the would be immigrants are abandoned in hostile country or loaded onto unsafe boats or simply dunmped on foreign shore with no money, no documents and no hope.

Birmingham Child Abuse Scandal Set To Break - Will Dwarf Rotherham, Rochdale
Hot on the heels of child sex abuse scandals in Rotherham and Rochdale, another, bigger scandal is set to erupt in brimingham and the West Midlands. Gangs made up of predominantly Pakistani men, using the same modus operandi as the South Yorkshire and Greater Manchester abuse rings, targeted young girls and boys from broken home who were unfortunate enought to find themselves in the care of the local authority. Once groomed the children were raped and prostituted

The Ebola Outbreak - Natural Disaster Or Man Made Catastrophe The Daily Stirrer has always tried to bring you a controversial and off-message view of major news stories. We were ahead of the game on Malaysia Airlines Flights MH370 and Flight MH17. We went out on a limb again over the Ebola fever outbreak in west Africa, arguing that it looked more like a biological weapons experiment gone wrong that a natural disaster. And once again as evidence emerges the odds are swinging in our favour.

UKIP Withstands Euro-Attack, Reforms EFDD Group Just Days After 'Blackmail
Just a few days after an underhanded and undemocratic move to sideline the European Parliament (EP) anti-federalist group, the eurosceptics have outflanked neo - Nazi EP boss Martin Schulz by signing a new member. Formerly independent MEP Robert Iwaszkiewicz said he had joined in protest against undemocratic EU leadership.

European Parliament: Dictatorial Martin Schulz dissolves EEFD Group of Euro-skeptics
The Daily Stirrer has always said that the european Union was not an association of free states collaborating to make trade easier, but a bureaucratic dictatorship under the palsied heel of which the freedom and sovereigfnty of democratic nations wouldf be crushed. Here's an example of an EU Bureaucrat autocratically overruling the democratically expressed with of the voters.

Leaked TPP Chapter Exposes Sweet Deals for Big Pharma, Big Media and US Bully Tactics Crushing Smaller States Objections

Yesterday (17/10/2014) WikiLeaks released an updated version of the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) Intellectual Property Rights chapter, along with a statement accusing those involved in the secret negotiations of creating a Big Pharma fiendly deal that would will hinder access to affordable medicines globally for those earning average wages or less, remove most of the remaining safeguards against online surveillance, and erode civil liberties while benefiting corporate and other governmental interests.

Ciggy's £1.50 each. I smell an opportunity
A World Health Organisation conference on the most serious public health issue today (not ebola but smoking would you believe) is doing some very nasty things in secret. All in all their policy smells of prohibition. Oh well, that's good news for organised crime at least.

Hidden Agenda Behind the new Free Trade Deals
In this post from Wolf Street and others in this composite article, along with our many standalone posts on the so called Free Trade Agreements, TTIP (Trans Atlantic Trade And Investment Partnership) and TPP (Trans Pacific Partnership) we have stressed again and again that the seemingly benign phrase "free trade" is not used to signify the opening of markets dominated by global corporations to competition from small, efficient local businesses.

Second And Even More Lethal Strain Of Ebola Now Infecting People In Congo - Le Monde
We may now be facing two deadly Ebola outbreaks, a new strain of the virus which so far has killed 71 percent of those infected has been discovered in the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC). This is a higher mortality rate than the strain that has killed over 3000 people in Sierra Leone, Liberia and Guinea.

More Child Abuse Cases Like Rotherham, Rochdale To Be Revealed Says Top Police Officer
It seems inevitable that more child-abuse cases involving gangs preying on vulnerable boys and girls, like the recent cases in Rotherham and Rochdale will come to light. Simon Bailey, Chief Constable of Norfolk Police claims that the problem is far bigger than had been previously thought with up to 600,000 children having suffered some kind of sexual abuse, the National Household Survey of Adverse Childhood Experiences estimates.

Ebola, Stock Market, Nuclear War. It's all going tits up. WTF?
Woke up this morning (I know that sounds like the opening of a blues song, but bear with me), leisurely breakfast, watched the news - Osborne wittering about how well they economy was doing (which was an ominous sign), read for a while, drove Mrs T down the shops. Came in, turned on the computer.

Game of Groans: David Cameron and Ed Miliband will be torn apart as the election nears
Will Dave or Ed be Prime Minister after the 2015 general election or will a sicteenth centry witch fould up the best lain schemes of mice and men. 2015 could turn out to be the Demdike Man election, not through macick, but metaphor. The Witch of Pendle representas a communitity and culture that has been abandoned by the self righteous, politically correct concensus politics of the bourgeois establishment. Are the working and middle classes about to strike back.

The Real Significance Of The Jimmy Savile Case
Back to the Savile case, which while Anna Raccoon makes valid points about unreliability of witness evidence on events which occurred many years ago, they smug, authority worshipping people who dismiss our concerns are truly naive when saying "its just a lot of fuss about nothing, only Daily Mail readers are taken in by it," are the ones who really miss the point.

NHS Money Wasting Machine And The One Budget That Is Never Cut
After the usual empty promises made at the annual conferences of the three main political parties - all three party leaders swore that only their party can save the National Heath Service (NHS) eternally a key isue in UK politics, we decided it was time our we too a close look at why NHS finances are always in a mess. We assigned the task to our team of old gits with a vast store of business experience behind them and no fears of suffering career damage as the Politically Correct Thought Police exact retribution for the crime of being 'off message'.

The Immigration Problem
The politicians may run a mile when the topic is mentioned, the Islington Screechers and medi luvvies may cover their ears and go la-la-la-la whenever the topic comes up but there is no denying immigration is the big issue in Britain today. Labour's open doors immigration policy was a disaster, the coalition have failed to address it for fear of upsetting the politically correct thought police. Is it any wonder UKIP, the only party that will talk about immigration, is doing so well?

The Ongoing Propaganda War Behind GMOs Exposed
The United States has been paying farmers for over two decades to NOT produce food, yet biotech would have us believe that genetically modified organisms are necessary to feed the world. This is but one of the many lies they have perpetrated, all the while hiding the real truth behind GM crops. Genetically modified organisms and the chemicals which support their growth are just an outcropping of the military industrial complex and the war industry.

Emirates Airways CEO Thinks He Knows What Happened to Flight MH370
We can sometimes keep news stories running for several months by pointing out the sheer irrationality of those who scream 'conspiracy theory' and demand that we all believe the government / mainstream media version. One of the two biggest stories in 2014 was the complete disappearance of Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 on a routine flight from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing. Seven months later not a trace of the Boeing 777 aircraft or any of its passengers has been located. As the official explanations grow increasingly more ludicrous ...

MH-17 Report False Flag Exposed After Revelation Passenger Was Wearing Oxygen Mask

When exactly a month ago the supposedly objective, impartial Netherlands released its official, 34-page preliminary report of the MH-17 crash over Ukraine, presumably based on black box data, air traffic control records, and other “authentic, verified” information, there were precisely zero mentions of “oxygen“, “mask” or “oxygen mask.”

Things That Make You Boggle ... Like The Misplaced Confidence Of Academics
Why are economics academics always so sure that their predictions are correct. Given the abysmal record on economists on calling the economic trends correctly even after they have happened let alone ahead of the trend, you would think exponsents of the dismal science would be a little more cautious in proclaiming their gusses as evidence backed facts. They never seen to learn however.

European Union Euro - Nazis Block Democratic Challenge To TTIP Travesty
Yet again the news slowly leaking out of the Trans Atlantic Trade And Investment Partnershi negotiations tess us just why there is so much secrecy surrounding this trade treaty being negotiated between the EU and the USA that even our elected governments are not allowed to know what the final treaty will include. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Police to Investigate Allegations of Labour-LibDem Rochdale 'Deal' on Paedophiles
Fresh allegations have emerged regarding the systematic sexual abuse of Chil;dren in Rochdale. This time the story focuses not on the Pakistani men at the centre of the abuse gangs, but the political cover up by Labour and Liberal Democrat elected officials on Rochdale Metrtoplitan Borough Council who, it is claimed orchestrated the cover-up by Labour and Liberal Democrat Party officials in the Greater Manchester Area.

Obama and FUKUS Axis Air Strikes On ISIS Will Make Things Worse
The bombing of ISIS, the Islamic State is well under way in Iraq and Syria, and as predicted the American, British and French led campaign is already making things worse for civilians among whom the ISIS fighters are dispersed. And of course, far from making the west safer, it is stirring up more hatred against us in the Islamic world.

Bad News for the alarmists: 'Missing Heat' from Non-Existent 'Global Warming' isn't Hiding in the Ocean After All
The already mortaly wounded cause of climate taxes alarmism has bean dealt another blow in a new study published by a NASA research project carried out at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, USA.
Satellite observations and empirical measurements gathered by Argo temperature probes enabled the NASA team to calculate temperature variations and thermal expansion in ocean waters over 6000 feet deep.

Evil Labour Government Helped Private Companies Profit From NHS
If you live in Heywood and Middleton and were thinking of voting for the greedy, paedophile loving, elitists' party, Labour because you have been taken in by the lies peddled at the Labour conference that the wicked Tories plan to privatize the NHS, think again.

UK Health Watchdog: Studies Show Mobile Phones Cause Brain Tumours
Over the past last two years, following publication of metastudies like World Health Organisation's International Agency For Research On Cancer report on the effects of radio frequency electromagnetic waves, there is new evidence that mobile phones use can be dangerous to our health. A less technical summary of that is available from Cancer Research UK. Wireless phones, even those DECT systems you use with your landline so you can wander around with the handset, emit radio-frequency electromagnetic fields (RF-EMFs) when in use...

Another EU Wannabe Declares War On Free Speech A very dangerous and worrying trend, which has been gathering momentum for some time, has entered a new dimension in recent weeks. Political and business leaders around the world are blatantly calling for the censorship on reporting and discussing news in terms that are 'unhelpful' to their aims and ambitions along with further restrictions on free speech.

US Centre for Disease Control Opposes Blocking Air Travel from West Africa to Stop Ebola Right of return and gender dimension more important than stopping spread of disease? Well that sounds about right for the admistration of The Rent Boy President. Always put acting in a politically correct way before common sense. How about this for a totally fickwitted attempt to deal with a crisis (or mayve a smart but totally evil way to create a crisis.

Another Big Result For The 'Conspiracy Theorists' - US CIA Corrupts Western Journalists.
Ever wondered why anybody trying to report news truthfully or initiate intelligent discussion is branded a conspiracy theorist, especially if their news or opinion is critical of the American government of American business interests? Read the content of this page and you will know a lot more about what is going on.

The Crminalisation Of Dissent
There is a growing trend in what we like to think of as the free world to curtail civil rights, transfer national sovereignty from elected law making bodies to supra national bureaucracies and enact new laws restricting free speech and press freedom. Largely fictitious threats such as terrorism, Islamic fundamentalism and climate change are being used to justify this. but are the levels of risk sufficient to justify the destruction of democracy?

EU Kommisar Admits Brussels Is At War With Democracy
The German EU Commissioner Günther Oettinger, in an astonishing rant accused "bishops, non-governmental organizations and "Ami-Go-Home-Altgruppen" (whatever they are) of undemocratic agitation against the EU's free trade agreements. Oettinger was referring to the Trans Atlantic Trade and Investment Partnership (TTIP) the undemocratic deal being negotiated in secret between the European Union and the corporate paymasters who control the US Administration.

Proof Bill Gates is Linked to Ebola as it Hits Dallas, Texas?
Ebola fever has landed in America and predictably sparked panic (see headline). The question evert=yone asks is: "How much danger are me and my family in." The questions they should be asking are: "Why does the US Government Department Of Defense hold a patent on the Ebola virus; and: Why has a team from Tulane University and the US Department of Defence biological weapons research project been experimenting on the Ebola virus for several years?

Surveillance Society Ever had that feeling you are being watched, unseen eyes are monitoring your every move, recording your every action, even knowing what you think. We live in a surveillance society but few really understand how intrusive the activiries of the watchers are. Welcome to the Panopticon. Jeremy Bentham's ideal prison has become a metaphor for the world we have created.

New Global Crisis Imminen, New Geneva Report Warns The Geneva Report refers to a “poisonous combination of high and rising global debt and slowing nominal GDP [gross domestic product], driven by both slowing real growth and falling inflation”. The total burden of world debt, private and public, has risen from 160 per cent of national income in 2001 to almost 200 per cent after the crisis struck in 2009 and 215 per cent in 2013. “Contrary to widely held beliefs, the world has not yet begun to delever and the global debt to GDP ratio is still growing, breaking new highs,” the report said.

Farage Reckless Facing Rabid Left Wing Fanatics
Following the defection to UKIP of Conservative MP Mark Reckless, who yesterday shocked the media and political establishment (everyone else knew it was on the cards.) by announcing his switch from con to Kipper from the podium at the closing session of UKIP's conference, the Kippers latest recruit and his new leader yesterday faced angry but ineffectual protests

Vaclav Klaus, the free world's last honest politician: the West’s lies about Russia are monstrous.
There are few people in politics who will say in public the things that really think, thanks to the hypersensitivity of the American political establishment and their enthusiasm for bombing the crap out of anyone who upsets members of their anointed minorities. Its refreshing then to learn of comments made by veteran Czech Republic leader, putting the boot into the cowardly mealy mouthed sum who pass for conservative and libertarian politicians in the English Speaking countries.

Why Do Government Information Technology Projects always Screw Up? Because Everything Governmrent Touches Becomes Political
While scientists burble excitedly about the internet of things, computer-brain interfaces that will enable the government to control us from data centres, creating human / computers hybrids and other science fantasy rubbish as if any of it stands a chance of becoming reality, government Information Technology managers, with almost unlimited resources at their disposal, can't even manage to cobble together a simple database and search routine. The failure of the e borders project is the latest in a long line of screw ups.

Ukip takes on free market corporatists: Britain's immigration debate gets interesting
Immigration was the subject of the big debate at UKIP's conference in doncaster today. With the Rotherham paedophile scandal which involved Muslim men in the immigrant community abusing young white girls as open sore in South Yorkshire politics at the moment the topic was long overdue for serious debate. One of the reasons the Rotherham scandal happened was the politically correct left scremed racism whenever issue was raised. Immigrants are not above the law.

The Third Gulf War Has Started - Should Britain Get Involved
For the third time in twenty five years a British Prime ~Minister has led the nation into a war in Iraq. It's understandable that Iraquis might be a bit pissed off with us. This time the threat is not a brutal dictator like Saddam hussein or Muammar Gadaffi, the Libyan leader we helped depose, but Islamic State, a concept, an idea, but also a rabble of bloodthirsty maniacs funded by European and American money, aremed with European and American weapons and trained by European and American 'military advisers.

War In Iraq? Lard Bombs Away (SATIRE)
As usual Boggart Blog is totally against Britain becoming embroiled in another sectarian conflict in the middle east (the theme tune of which will be I Hate You Babe by Sunni and Shia.) But rather than send our clapped out, thirty year old warplanes to fire rockets and heavy calibre cannons and drop bombs on the IS, bearing in mind these guys are all fundamentalist Muslims we have a better idea. We can beat the Islamic State without shedding HUMAN blood.

Derbyshire Chief Constable Claims He Was Forbidden To Arrest Former Labour Minister Or Search His Home">South Yorkshire Police Commissioner Shaun Wright Finally Resigns Over Rotherham Child Abuse Scandal
Police chiefs blocked a paedophile probe into a top politician 25 years ago, one of the country’s most senior officers said yesterday. Derbyshire Chief Constable Mick Creedon was serving as a detective sergeant in Leicestershire when allegations surfaced against Labour MP Greville Janner in 1989. Mr Creedon said he was ordered to limit his inquiries into the MP, now Lord Janner of Braunstone.

Disaster Dave's Latest Screw Up On The International Stage
Tomorrow (26 September, 2014) the UK Parliament will meet to vote on whether Britain should support Prime Minister David Cameron and US President and Warmonger - in - Chief Barack Hussein Obama in launching yet another war in the middle east, this time against the forces of the Islamic Caliphate, a fundamentalist organisation set up by groups funded armed and trained by the USA and its allies in their quest to overthrow the regime of Bashar Al Assad in Syria.

War In Iraq: Confused? You Will Be
I'm always a bit wary about referring to The Daily Mail because mere mention of that rather sensationalist but immensely popular newspaper (compare its circulation figures with those of The Guardian or The Independent) is likely to attract a Two Minutes Hate session from Britain's biggest fascist movement,

Love Like Chains (poem)
There are needy lovers and there are controlling lovers (the lovers in my case have always been female but I know men fall into these categories too). They often seem to be modelled from the same clay. Having always been self contained person who liked to stand apart from the crowd I have never did very well in love affairs with either type. This poem is not adressed to a specific person but an amalgam.

Miliband Promises Same Old Shite - Not A Word About Action Against Paedophile Sex Gangs
Labour leader Ed Miliband's keynote speech at the Labour Party conference woyuld have to be the best speech of his life if he hoped to be Prime Minister after next years election, the consensus of opinon said. Ed's friends and opponents awaited the speech with very different hopes and expectations. in the end as Ed dodged the bg issues, the economy and debt, law and order, immigration and Europe, it was probably his enemies who were happier.

In Praise Of Sluts - Tits Out For The Boys Miley
In the last 24 hours both Marianne Faithfull and Jacqueline Bisset have criticised today's young women for dressing provocatively, the teasers for a story in today's news said.
Marrianne Faithfull, no slouch in the sluttiness stakes herself back in the 1960s but to a teenage male all the more appealing for that (I still get a little tingle when I look at a Mars Bar), told ITV News that Miley Cyrus, Rihanna and other good looking young pop tarts are, quite simply, sluts. She gave her reasoning thus:

'There is Only One Planet': The Bemusing Claims of London's Climate Warriors
Apparently blissfully unaware of their hypocrisy, marchers have left placards emblazoned with complaints about the government and environmental issues strewn around on the pavement. The thousands of left-wing activists who descended shouting and stomping through London’s streets no doubt moved on to bars, restaurants or their homes to smugly congratulate themselves on having done their bit for Mother Nature, unsurprisingly not only expecting other people to pay for everything they demand,

A Bunch Of Self Obsessed Air Heads Only Interested In Publicity
The headline sums up some of the speakers or yesterday's climate change protest in London. But we know scientists are vacuous wannabe celebrities. The surprising thing was the showbiz and media luvvies showed themselves even more stupid and out of touch with reality. Take Emma Thompson. A fine actress but we should remember her job is pretending to be somebody else. and having spent most of her life pretending to be somebody else, when ...

Nationalism the new target for left wing screechers
The screechers have a new target for their hate, Nationalism. OMFG, I am sick of seeing on Facebook and other Sheeple sites posts from the army of bandwagon followers condemning nationalism. Hate attacks on Andy Murray because he voted Yes for Scottish Independence were deplorable, the bloke is entitled to his opinion FFS. The lefties hater did not stop there however, attacks on his mother are just disgusting (but entirely typical of the Labour voting, free speech hating, all-things-British loathing, bourgeois left scum.)

Rotherham Childcare Chief Quits Over Mass Sex Abuse Scandal

After weeks of mounting pressure and in the wake of resignations by council political leaders and senior exectutives and also of the recently elected Police Crime Commissioner for the scandal hit town, Joyce Thacker the head of children's services at Rotherham council has finally quit. Following the revelation of a massive cover up by elected representative, police and care professionals who went to considerable lengths to avoid acting on allegations of organised sex abuse gangs consisting mostly of

GCHQ employs more than 100 dyslexic spies. So what?
A lot of people in comment threads seemed eager to get their knickers in a twist this morning about a story headlined: GCHQ employs more than 100 dyslexic and dyspraxic spies. The story tells how the government snoopers intelligence agency down in Cheltenham uses dyslexics' ability to analyse complex information in a 'dispassionate, logical and analytical' in the fight against terror.

Obama administration ‘blocking' information from the press
Uncovering information that should be available to the public has become increasingly difficult under the presidency of Barack Obama, an Associated Press bureau chief says. In some cases, it surpasses the secrecy of the George W. Bush administration. The White House's penchant for secrecy does not just apply to the federal government, according to AP's Washington bureau chief, Sally Buzbee.

An Interesting Perspective From Across The Pond On The Scottish Referendum Result
The almost inevitable accusations of fraud and vote rigging are beginning to emerge in the wake of the Scottish independence referendum. Surprisingly the likely culprit most fingers are pointing at is not the SNP, leaders of the YES campaign or the Westminster government which wanted to avoid the embarrassment of a no, but the Euronazis in Brussels whose plans for a single European nation would have suffered from a YES vote.

Submerged forests' drowned by ancient climate change revealed by 2014 storms.
Here's yet another smack in the mouth for those smug, condescending scientists who talk down to the rest of us. Far from being a new thing, climsste change was affecting the environment at the beginning of the Bronze age. How many fossil fuel burning power stations did the beaker people have then, and how many Chelsea tractors were tearing up and down the ridgeways?

1000 Scientists Break Ranks On Global Warming - Laugh? I Nearly Shat
You've all heard from members of the Church Of Scienceology Cult about how there was total consensus (despite a lack of empirical evidence) that the planet is warming so rabidly there are now no ice caps at either the North or South Poles, that the last polar bear perished when someone ate its Fox's Glacier Mint and that there are now ...

How To Be Totally Uncool (By TryingTo Look Cooler Than You Are)
Many of the 4700 people camped outside the Apple store on New York's 5th Avenue in the picture above are unemployed (and very likely being paid cash in hand by others to queue for days). Few, if any, among either the campers or the buyers will spend $3,600 for a "gold" iPhone like someone in China just did. But those who are buying will gladly pay ...

South Yorkshire Police Commissioner Shaun Wright Finally Resigns Over Rotherham Child Abuse Scandal The man who bears most responsibility for failure to investigate the Rotherham child abuse scandal has finally resigned after three weeks of excuses and evasions. Police Commissioner Wright has been under pressure ever since a report by Prof Alexis Jay (see below) revealed a huge level of child abuse in the South Yourkshire town of Rotherham. The organised sex crime rings had been operating for ...

UKIP MEP Received Death Threats After Criticizing Rotherham's Labour Council Council Over Sex Abuse Scandal Jane Collins, the UKIP Member of the European Parliament for Yorkshire, has been speaking out about the failure of the senior police officers, the social services department managers in Rotherham and leaders of the Labour controlled council all of whom failed to act on allegations that groups of mainly Pakistani men were carrying out the organised sexual abuse of under age girls who found themselves in the care of the authorities.

Bill Gates Foundation Giving Millions to Top University In Order To Influence GMO “Debate” - It Must Be Dodgy
Former Microsoft CEO and mega mogul Bill Gates has long utilized his vast fortune to push genetically modified organisms (GMOs) through his Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, but Gates’ efforts have been met with sharp criticism from millions of grassroots activists both home and abroad.

Rotherham: In the face of such evil, who is the racist now?
Here's a question for wannabe Mastermind contestants. If South Yorkshire Police can mount a raid on the home of pop singer Sir Cliff Richard, two hundred miles away from their patch in pursuit of evidence linked to a single and unsubstantiated allegation of child sex abuse 30 years ago, why were the same South Yorkshire Police force unable to conduct a proper investigation into multiple allegations against men who raped 1,400 children over 16 years?

Denis MacShane: I was too much of a 'liberal leftie' and should have done more to investigate child abuse
In a rare mome

nt of candour disgraced former Labour Member Of Parliament for Rotherham, Dennis MacShane admitted he could have done more to protect the victims of sex abuse gangs in his constituency who preyed on young girls in the local authority care system. While maintaing he knew of no specific allegations MacShane said he could have investigated rumours circulating in the town.

Rotherham Abuse Cover Up Cover UP
Not so long ago we were venting our spleen about the selection of Judge Butler - Sloss to head up an inquiry about how allegations of paedophile offences by well known celebrities, politicians and establishment figures were covered up for many years. It turned out Lady Butler Sloss was the sister of the now deceased Attorney General Sir Michael Havers who was directly involved in

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