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Gordfellas - Is the Labour Goverment really like Goodfellas (strong language)
Stories coming from Downing Street accusing Labour Prime Miniter of bullying and being tempramentally unstable should worry us all. We know little of what goes on inside the seat of government and what we hear makes it sound like the movie Goodfellas.

Best Of Boggart Blog (8)

A Seasonal Miracle?


by ianrthorpe,
2006-11-30

South African Mr. (got that, Mr.) Charles Sibindana has been fined ZA$140 for making a fraudulent claim for sick pay. Mr. Sibindana submitted a certificate from his wife's gynaecologist to back up his claim that he took a week's sick leave because he was pregnant.

Now in my book that beats virgin birth by a distance.

RELATED POSTS:
Christmas Menu

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A Couple of Smiles Before It Gets Even More Painful

by ianrthorpe,
2006-11-29

Almost at the end of a month of bad and sad news; Iraq, Afghanistan, the Financial Markets, the environment and the death of Desert Orchid being just a few topics, its nice to hear something jolly.

So I enjoyed the story of the Surrey lady who while visiting the North East went into a hairdressers in Newcastle and asked "Could you do me a perm please."

"Why aye pet," came the reply, "I wandered lernley as a clerd..."

All in all its like the story of the northerner who took holy orders and was appointed vicar of an Anglican parish in Surrey. When he arrived at his church the verger said "I'm sorry about the state of the place, we have a problem with the myrrh." "The myrrh?" said the new vicar, "I didn't know you were high church."

"We're not," the verger said, "but what has that to do with cutting the grass?"

RELATED POSTS:
Comedy Main Menu
Poetry Menu

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Killjoy's Christmas Decorations

by ianrthorpe,
2006-11-28
Following on from last weeks revelations in Machiavelli blog about the Health and Safety Executive's plan to make sure all trees with the potential to fall over in high winds are properly managed with public safety the foremost consideration we bring you more news of Health and Safety fascism from the uber - jobsworths of Tower Hamlets Borough Council.

Last year these halfwit bureaucrats earned ridicule for banning all Merry Christmas type messages lest they offend the delicate sensibilities on non - Christians.

This year, with the complicity of Health and Safety Inspectors they have banned all wall and ceiling mounted decorations in all council premises because staff could be seriously injured while putting them up.

RELATED POSTS:
Christmas Menu
Authoritarian Box Ticking
Health And Safety Halloween

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"Jesus Is Not The Messiah"

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-27

The problem with protesters in other countries is they do not have a British sense of humour (to be fair neither do the police in other countries - and they tend to be a tad trigger happy into the bargain)

On last night's news I saw a shot of a protest against the visit of Pope Benedict to Turkey.

A woman in traditional muslim dress which made her look for all the world like Terry Jones in a famous scene in "The Life of Brian" brandished a placard that read "Jesus is not The Messiah, he is a Prophet of Islam."

"Oh why aren't you English dear," I thought. Had she been she might have had the wit to replace "he is a Prophet of Islam" with the words "he's a very naughty boy."

SCENE FROM LIFE OF BRIAN:
CROWD (in chorus) we want to see Brian, he is the Messiah.
T. Jones (as a woman): He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy.

I include that for the benefit of the very young or those who have led sheltered lives and have not yet seen the funniest film ever made.

RELATED POSTS:
Comedy Menu
Baby Bible Basher
Blair's Faith Foundation
They Prayed Him Straight

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Who Put That Gobshite On Television?

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-26

There's a wonderful scene in an episode of Father Ted where Dougal appears on T.V.

This arouses Father Jack from his drunken stupor. "Who put that gobshite on television?" he roars, hurling an empty whiskey bottle at the TV.

I have a similar moment every week when a certain contestant in X - Factor appears on screen. Its the one who is getting the "Granny" vote. Guess who (and I meant that most sincerely, friends.)

Meanwhile as Simon Cowell eliminated the most talented (the only talented?) contestant again I say GO PROCLAIMERS TRIBUTE BAND!

Oh I would vote five hundred times
if the voting lines were free,
yes I would vote five hundred times
to see Simon Cowell's misery...

RELATED POSTS:
X Factor Ship Of Dead Dreams
X Factor - The Bird Is The Word

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We Need Another Crackdown - suggestions please

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-25

Are Wee Johnny Reid's leadership ambitions distracting him from doing his job as Home Secretary? It must be all of a week since he announced a crackdown.

It is not so long ago the tartan terrier was announcing a dozen new crackdowns a day. There were crackdowns on anti social behaviour, binge drinking, illegal immigrants, truancy, exploding orange juice, obesity, beards, staying up late, harmless nutters, bullies, Clare Short, paedophiles, silly hats and the wrong kind of shite.

Then suddenly silence.

There are only two possibilities, that Dr. Reid is preoccupied with more important business or he has run out of things to crack down on.

Either way, to get wee Johnny back on the rails may we suggest crackdowns on the the following:

Farting in lifts,
Christmas albums,
Christmas books,
Christmas special offers
, Christmas,
Russell Brand,
Celebrity chefs,
Celebrities,
Delusional folk who go off to the jungle thinking they are celebrities,
Delusional folk who come back still unaware that everybody hates them, Panto Boy on the X - factor,
Peter Kay,
Spin.

Any suggestions you wish to add to the list will be forwarded to The Home Office.

RELATED POSTS: Comedy and Humour Menu
Politics and Economy Menu
Populisty Authoritarianism
The Politics Of Fear And Panic

Oo-er Missis, its the Tree Hugging Cannibals

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-23

In last night's episode of Torchwood (yes, I like Torchwood, after a dodgy first episode it has me suspending disbelief with great enthusiasm) the story was set around a remote farm in the Brecon Beacons. The tree - hugging locals had a very quaint tradition. Every ten years they would round up strangers in the area and eat them (shades if I'm the only cannibal in the village there I thought.) When the Torchwood statutory pretty girl asked the chief cannibal why they did this he replied "because it makes me happy." A chilling reminder there that among all the humandroids, shapeshifters, pan dimensional fart creatures and orgasm - eating aliens that pass through Cardiff's rip in the time - space continuum, good old human evil still has a lot to answer for.

Well that was how I saw it last night...

In this morning's paper I read that the nation's most famous tree hugger, Prince Charles, has just bought a run down farm in the Brecon Beacons.

Oo-er missis, is that coincidence or are sinister forces at work here?

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Alien Life In California
Life On Mars
Turd Nine From Outer Space
More Life On Mars
Alien In My Bed (MP3 audio)
Comedy, Humour Menu

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Blair's Super Nanny State

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-21

In an article for the Currant Bun Tony Blair announced the launch of The Super Nanny State.

As part of a crackdown on anti social behaviour teams of Super Nanny State Stormtroopers will swoop on areas where "poor parenting" is rife. "Poor parenting", according to Blair, is the cause of anti social behaviour and does incalculable harm to children.

People found guilty of "poor parenting" will be sent on parenting courses, to be run we guess by Ruth Kelly and a newly appointed parenting Csar rumoured to be Cilla from Coronation Street.

But, you might well ask, is the problem "poor parenting" or simply parenting? Boggart Blog thinks people with children should forget about parenting and go back to being Mums and Dads.

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Dolphins Don't Drink

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-20

You learn something every day. Yesterday, tucked up in bed with my cold and daytime TV I learned that Dolphins don't drink. Not "don't drink" in the sense of avoiding alcohol but don't drink full stop.

There are various theories as to why. Some zoologists say it is because aquatic mammals get their fluids from what they eat while others contend that as their kidneys cannot process sea water evolution has adapted them to get by without taking in water. While high on industrial strength lem-sips I have one of those moments of insight we get when our brains are addled. Dolphins don't drink because flippers are useless for holding a cup, glass or bottle.

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Government Warning - Trees Can Damage Your Health

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-19

URGENT HEALTH WARNING FROM H.M. GOVERNMENT - Standing under or near tress can seriously damage your health and lead may kill.

Our old friends at the Health and Safety Executive featured in our last blog (BTW apologies to readers who were expecting this post yesterday, there's a nasty bug going round the nether world and your favourite Boggart needed to take a sickie) when we highlighted Bozza Johnson's rantings at the ludicrous nannying of this bunch of hard - hatted, toetector - wearing fascists who seem intent on eliminating any kind of risk from our lives by making us prisoners of rules and regulations.

Now Boggart Blog pick up the standard itself and leads the resistance against the mindless bureaucracy of the clipboard wielding killjoys. Two years ago in Dunham Massey Park, Cheshire, a family were enjoying a winter outing in woodland of the 250 year old plantation when a freak gust of wind caused a Beech to fall. In falling the tree brought down its neighbour which, tragically, killed an eight year old boy.

It was an accident and nobody tried to pretend otherwise. Al least until The Health and Safety Executive got wind of it. As far as the Hard - Hatted, toetector wearing clipboard wielding box tickers are concerned there is no such thing as an act of God, there are only failures of management. If enough boxes had been ticked that freak gust of wind could have been managed.

The HSE Inspectorate demanded that the police arrest the park manager for criminal negligence.

A year later the police dropped the case due to lack of evidence. Presumably all the witnesses, being trees, declined to be interviewed. But the clipboard wielders could not accept a healthy tree simply falling down as healthy trees do from time to time.

The hard - hatted toetector wearers (who, we imagine, all have those anally retentive moustaches that are never allowed to grow more than a quarter of an inch long) were determined that in order to prevent any future tree - related incidents they would ensure procedures were put in place to identify any trees posing a danger to public safety because of their likelihood of falling over in high winds. Also the HSE are determined that the owners of potentially unstable trees are aware of their duty to manage woodland properly.

Whether this results in the National Trust having to cut down all the millions of trees under their management or in those tracts of ancient woodland the weirdie beardies have fought so long and hard to protect from building firms being destroyed because of public safety issues remains to be seen.

If this all seems a bit over the top to you, remember the motto of the HSE is "You Can't Be Too Paranoid.

Here is a facsimilie of a leaflet you will shortly be receiving through the post which details the HSE's advice for tree safety. Never go near trees when it is windy or it may become windy while you are there.

Do not let your dog worry trees, remember a frightened tree is a dangerous tree.

Do not try to feed trees, they may bite.

Do not catch trees or encourage them to follow you home, they make very bad domestic pets.

Always view trees from a safe distance, they can fall surprisingly quickly.

Do not consume fruit or nuts near trees. Seeing their offspring being eaten alive can upset them.

and finally
Always be wary of leaving the safety of your home to look for fun. Fun is dangerous and should be left to properly trained experts with adequate safety equipment.

Safety first second and third, fun nowhere,

The Health and Safety Executive.

Saving Lives Is A Risky Business say Heath and Safety Executive

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Bozza's Tree Crusade

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-17

I was snooping around the Blog of Bozza (or Boris Johnson M.P or Bo - Jo to his fans) the other day. You might think this strange behaviour for an unrepentant old Liberal like me, but I always find Bozza good value). On that occasion I enjoyed his fulminations against the Health and Safety Executive (H.S.E.)

"There are now 3621 pages of Health and Safety legislation, that's 76* times the length of War and Peace" the Blonde One thundered, ending with the question that mustn't be on everyone's lips "is this good for the country?"

Well it is certainly not good for trees. Which is perhaps why the arboreal population of this sceptred isle is coming in for some attention from the HSE which is worried about the safety risks posed by uncontrolled trees.

But we will be returning to that issue tomorrow.

*probably an exaggeration. If it was my blog it would be for comic effect but as its Bozza we're talking about, who knows?

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Pissed as a Moose

by ianrthorpe
@ 2006-11-14

I am always interested to get news from Sweden, having worked in that delighgtful country for a while. The trouble is Sweden is too nice, no terrorists want to blow things up, there is no religious right tarring and feathering people for having fun and even the corporations display a praiseworthy degree os social responsibility. In other words there just isn't enough news in Sweden. Which makes little gems like this more enjoyable.

The Goteborgs - Posten newspaper has been reporting stoeies concerning a moose that is terrorising the city's children. The local police chief blames apples. It turns out the moose is eating windfall apples which have fermented naturally to produce an alcoholic subsatance similar to the Scrumpy Cider know to all who have visited the English West Country (and particularly those who frequent jazz festivals in that part of the world.)

"We are dealing with an ELK - o - holic here," a spokesperson for the police department said (allegedly.)

Drunken Elk In The Orchard

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Cornish Pasty Wars

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-13

There be grumblings down in the west country, ooh - arrr. They ig'rant Dev'ners is trying to say they'm inventing t' Corrrrnish Pasty an' Corrrrnwall stoleded it of'n un."

The controversy arises from a discovery made in the audit book of a 16th century Devonian housekeeper who had written on one of the pages her recipe for pasties.

The first written record of a Cornish pasty dates from 1746.

The important word here is "written." As Terry Pratchett says, "never take any notice of things written down on paper. A thing cannot be of the least importance if somebody had time to write it down." Quite. Empirical evidence is needed and over in Cornwall they claim the recipe for pasties has been handed down through the oral tradition since 8000 B.C.

Nobody knows the true origins of pastry of course and therefore we can be certain of nothing, but I am with Cornwall on this one. And furthermore I am willing to testify that in Motorway services restaurants on many occasions I have eaten 10,000 year old pasties.

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I Just Met A Girl Named Maria

. by ianrthorpe
2006-11-12

From time to time something happens that makes me feel I am once more young and attractive to the opposite sex. I have the internet to thank for this. Such an instance was the e-mail I received this week from Maria. She wrote:

"Hello Mr. Torp. I am dark hair Russian, age 26, attractive professional lady and working in marketing structure selling cosmetic (ooh that accent sends chills up and down my spine.).I read your details on world wide web and find you interesting, attractive man (Isn't she wonderful?) I am intelligent, mature woman who is ready for creating family with good man. (ah - erm, creating family? As in making babies? She obviously didn't read the bit about the vasectomy...) Even if this is not your searching for in the future it would be fine if we can meet and do friendship (friendship, bugger! I thought I'd scored) or maybe do more than just friendship (I have scored!)

Mail me,
yours with love and many kisses, (now hang on girl, we haven't been properly introduced)
Maria.

Needless to say I'm all of a flutter wondering does she have green eyes and those classic Russian cheekbones, is her accent really that cute and will the overdraft stretch to an hour of her time or just a quickie?

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The Wages Of Sin

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-10

British Christian Fundamentalist minister George Hargreaves is known for his hard - line position on most issues concerning sex and drugs and rock & roll. His views on abortion, contraception (the only acceptable method it seems is the one where the woman holds a pocket bible between her knees) , stem cell research and same - sex partnerships are pretty much what you would expect from a founder member of an organisation called Christian Voice.

And George is a very active campaigner on all these issues.

But it has not always been so. In the 1980s George wrote a song that was a world wide hit for Sinitta and has since become a gay anthem in clubs on every continent. Here is a sample of the lyric:

So macho,
he's gotta be so macho,
gotta be big and strong,
enough to turn me on.

Well I suppose its OK to dance to the song so long as you don't act on its advice.

Nice though to see the wages of sin, estimated at 10,000 a year, providing us with such a wonderful iron.

Now I have a link to a searchable Bible somewhere, let's see what it says about hypocrisy.

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And I though it was just my wife

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-09

British women aged over 40 own an average of 19 pairs of shooes but it is not uncommon to have more than 100. Woman and Home polled more than 1,500 women over 40 on their attitudes and found that handbags are also popular, with 11 being the average. Some women said they owned more than 200 and a third said they lied about the cost of their shopping sprees.

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Stupid Crtminal Of The Week: Shrink wrapped criminal

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-07

A Bosnian burglar escaped from jail in Austria by having himself shrink-wrapped in plastic and taken out with parts for street lamps hade by inmates. The lorry driver noticed a rip in one of his pallets soon after leaving the jail, but Muradif H, 36, show was serving a seven-year term in Graz, had fled. He remains at large.

I hope he didn't need a wee while he was in the wrapping. The only way I can ever get stuff out of shrink wrapping is by stabbing the stuff with a knife or screwdriver.

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The Buzz About The X Factor

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-05

On last saturday's X - Factor show Sharon Osbourne criticised the prettiest and most talented girl singer remaining, saying the sound of her vibrato had ruined her performance.

I had to agree with La Donna O. Back when I was staging rock concerts I always used to remind female performers to switch their vibratos off before they wen't onstage. The Microphones can pick up the buzz.

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Who Makes All The Pies?

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-03

During environment question time yesterday, amid all the weighty queries about global warming, deforestation, drought, famine etc. Mary Creagh, MP for Wakefield, demanded that the Minister congratulate a butcher in her constituency for willing the Large Pork Pie category at the Great Yorkshire Pie Show as this, apparently, is the world cup of pie making.

Nice to see they have their pieorities (sorry, couldn't resist) sorted in Yorkshire

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Proud To Be Pissed - A New Year Message for readers. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-31 17:03:32

Boggart Blog's New Year Message to our readers is "be proud of your heritage, get bladdered."

Despite repeated Government warnings of the health hazards of binge drinking which suggest it is a recent phemonnonomonxxx phnemnioxxxxx pfemonionxxxxx trend (sorry we've had a couple in the editorial office)binge drinking is a longstanding British tradition.

Hazel Blears who is minister for saying very silly things issued a statement to the effect that the British are not ready to adopt continental drinking patterns.

Too Bloody Right we're not. We enjoy getting rat - arsed. The Roman historian Tacitus, writing in the first century AD said, "The Britons have a tendency when feasting to drink ale or wine until they fall into a stupor." Julius Caesar had first noted the trend a hundred years earlier. "They are formidable fighters but unreliable due to their habit of drinking heavily before battle," he noted.

So forget the shame attached to drunkenness, that is just an invention of the nanny state. Let's welcome the New Year by proclaiming to the world that we the British people are Proud To Be Pissed.

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,
Its Just Criminal by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-29 16:49:09

There's bugger all happens between Christmas and New Year so its time to dig out the old Armitasge Shanks joke book (in my days as an occasional stand up I was Armitage Shanks, The Man Who Puts The BIZ in Showbiz,) and try to raise a smile.

Over the holiday theives broke into a greenhouse at Kew Gardens and stole many rare trees and shubs. Earlier today police arrested two men who were driving in a truck loaded with exotic vegitation.

A the men denied involvement in the theft and said the evidence was planted.

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A Bizarre Story From Derby by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-28 17:20:11 Derbyshire County Council have ordered their webmasters to use content filtering to prevent the Ramblers' Association Derby Dales Group web page being accessed from library internet cafes in the county.

The Derby ramblers' web content falls within the county councils' definition of a sex website the press release reveals.

No surprise then that Derby ramblers "love to go a - wandering along the mountain track" then but just what the hell does rambling involve in the Derby Dales we wonder?

I must ask Mike St. Mark if he has experienced any interesting variations from the norm while walking in the Peak district.

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Christmas is Bollocks by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-27 17:54:06

Its over! What a relief!

Don't you hate Christmas? Oh come on, be honest. Don't call me Scrooge. Christmas is bollocks. Christmas things are bollocks. Christmas specials on tele are bollocks. Christmas food is bollocks. Everything about the whole over-hyped, over commercialised, overadvertised, overcelebrated mess of modern excess is bollocks. Food. Nuts? Why do we buy nuts in their shells at Christmas? The rest of the year we (those of us who like to eat healthy anyway) get nice convenient ...

CLICK HERE To read all Christmas Is Bollocks

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Belated Greetings by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-26 16:52:09 Boggart Blog took unscheduled downtime a couple of days before the offiocial break started. This was due to (1) visitors, (2) server problems and (3) a totally silly wild adventure in Christmas shopping...

"oh yeah love, I'll be fine walking the half mile back to the car through this hilly town, you just whack the shopping in my wheelchair." (well I couldn't let Teri do the trip twice.

Now half a mile is a tad over my limit even on level ground. I made the trip but with several large back muscles totally wrecked and needing a few days.

Still, if you can't do something idiotic at this time of year when can you do something idiotic?

Belated seasons greetings to all regular readers and visitors.

Back tomorrow.

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A blog post about sweeet FA by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-22 17:29:41

Nice to see the Freedom Association* getting involved in the London mayoral election campaign with an attack on Ken Livingstone's anti - semitism. The appearance of a new political body promotiong libertarian values is always welcome.

Unfortunately their chance of winning any seats on the London Assembly are as described on their logo. F.A.

*I am assuming this F.A. is nothing to do with the 1970s F.A. a group of Express, Mail and Telegraph readers that campaigned for freedoms such as the right to enslave unmarried mothers and the right to put black babies in casseroles.

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A quick roundup by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-21 18:26:38

Boggart Blog has always prided itself on bringing you the news that is not worth reading from around the world: here is a roundup of the last few days...

Starting In Sweden

After enduring years of ridicule, the inhabitants of the Swedish village of Fjuckby have handed in an application to Swedish authorities to have the hamlet's name changed to Fjukeby.

Meanwhile in the USA

Border patrol officers found a four foot long alligator in a suitcase during a routine traffic stop in south-west Arizona. Lloyd Easterling, a spokesman, said it was discovered when agents detained a driver in Yuma after drug sniffing dogs singled out the car where the case was. Marijuana was also found.

...its the art of it that matters in France...

Pierre Herme, the so-called 'Picasso of patisserie' won the annual award presented by the newspaper Le Figaro for the best croissant in Paris. He said the test of a perfect croissant should be more than how it tasted, looked or smelt.

"The noise of the croissant is also very important," he said. "I can almost hear them shout when people tear them apart."

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The Durex List by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-20 17:29:21

Every year the makers of Durex condoms conduct a worldwide survey of sexual behaviour in adults. One of the facts this reveals is the average number of partners per person by nationality.

Out of idle curiosity I looked at the list and.... (blushes) I've been a very naughty boy.

Here are a selection of national scores:

Turkey - 14.5
Australia - 13.3
Italy - 11.8
Switzerland - 11.1
U.S.A. - 10.7 (Not top? that will shut them right up!)
Japan - 10.2
U.K. - 9.8
Austria - 9.7
France - 8.1
Singapore - 7.2
Surprisingly China and India are way down the list with 3.1 and 3.0 respectively. Makes you wonder how there are so many of them.

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Posh Spice becoming an Alien? Strange but possibly true. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-19 19:58:11

If you have seen recent pictures of Victoria Beckham nee Posh Spice you may have thought there was something not quite human about them.

Well you could be right. The whisper over at Salon.com is that with the help of the ArchThetan Tom Cruise (4'6"), Professional celebrity Posh is to become an alien bride.

Well that should give us more entertainment than her singing ever has.

Read it for yourself here

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Pissed As A Camel by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-17 18:07:58

Staff at an Irish riding school had to postpone a Christmas party after Gus the camel chomped his way through 200 mince pies and several cans of Guinness meant for their festivities. Gus, starring in the riding school's Santa's Magical Animal Kingdon show, filled up while staff were changing for their party.

Camels store liquids in their humps of course.

Which means there is a camel with a hump full of guinness on the loose in Ireland.

I don't give much for his chances of making it through the next two weeks.

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AIDS Message Rammed Home by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-16 17:20:19

Now it is very naughty and not at all politically correct to make fun of serious subjects. But has that ever stopped Boggart Blog before?

Right!

So it would be remiss of us not to comment on the World Health Organisation's report on the spread of AIDS in Africa. Now the WHO is a very serious body that does not deal in puns, double entendres and smutty jokes.

So when the report of findings that male circumcision reduces the chances of contracting HIV infection by 50%, a document of considerable gravitas, who the hell decided the launch presentation would be given by Mr. Kevin de Cock.

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Those Whom The Gods Would Destroy... #1 by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-15 17:20:55

Those whom the gods would destroy they first make ridiculous. Dare we hope then that the forces of natural justice have something spectacularly nasty planned for the Labour politicians who have surpassed in arrogance the last days of John Major's tory government. Because events atre certainly making the dark lords of the New Labour project look a right bunch of twats.

Let us all rejoice then at the news that in this season of merriment an official Labour Party DVD containing Blair's last speech to conference as leader and a film record of Labour's years in office titled Labour Achievement Film (interesting acronym there BTW) has been reduced to 5 per copy to clear stocks.

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Golden Globes by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-14 17:20:49

A headline on teletext informed me Helen Mirren is nominated for "three globes."

Now I can't see why she needs three, I remember from when she was an up and coming young actress the two very attractive ones she grew herself.

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Boggart Abroad by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-13 17:54:49

Read this at Huffington Post yesterday.

Not surprisingly, the Bush administration is already backing away from most of the 79 proposals put forth by the Iraq Study Group. But while Bush isn't ready to follow the group's recommendations, he's ready to adopt its slogan, "New Way Forward." The president may not be into things like facts, truth, or reality, but he loves a good slogan. Of course, that's been the problem during this entire fiasco -- the substitution of rhetoric for policy -- the belief, even at this late date, that reality can be changed simply by changing the language used to describe it. Bush makes a big show of his religious faith, but what's truly impressive is his incredible faith in the power of PR, and, accordingly, his lack of faith in the American people. I think the slogan is a missed opportunity. As we know Bush and Blair are desperately seeking a way to get out without losing face could we suggest the new slogan be amended to read Backwards is the new way forward.

While we're on American military matters we also read while blogging abroad yeaterday that an independant watchdog has revealed senior US officers are coercing soldiers into converting fundamentalist christianity.

People who refuse to be "born again" are left in no doubt their careers will hit a dead end.

This is good news for the anti war movement. The fubnies are so paranoid that all the Afghans and Iraqis will have to do is dress in halloween costumes and the Americans will think the Devil has come to get them and run away.

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Farewell Augusto - you inspired so many by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-12 17:32:27

New Labour Blogger Bob Piper yesterday made a jibe at the "warm tributes" being paid to Pinochet and recalled that the Blessed Maggie's was best buddies with the dead dictator.

Our best buddy Little Nicky Machiavelli commented:

Yeah, Thatcher being best buddies with a murdering tyrant was a terrible disgrace to this country. A bit like Blair being best buddies with the tyrant, torturer and war criminal Bush, the tyrant Gaddafi and the limb amputating vagina mutilators of the Saudi Royal House

.

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A Very Boggart Christmas. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-11 17:26:29

Working for Jenny Greenteeth has its perks. Boggarts such as Jenny live outside the normal time / space continuum and can move events around at random. So yesterday we celebrated our family Christmas.

The reason for this eccentric behaviour is that Darling Daughter is off to France to work as a sports masseur & physiotherapist through the not skiing season (no snow in France this year it seems)

It has been a hectic few days since Gabby twice arrived on the saner side of the Pennines bringing all her stuff from the apartment she has just vacated. David is also in residence having rendered himself homeless. Disregarding parental warnings he took up a tenancy in which rent books and contracts did not figure - and naturally landed back in the parental home several months ago.

Now I neither know nor want to know what kind of altered consciousness my offspring inhabit but they both seem unaware that it is six years since we moved from the TARDIS-like Thorpe Towers (an elegant old terrace with attic and cellar) to a bijou and compact three bedroomed bungalow. Things are a bit cramped to say the least.

But its amazing what good dining stools David's professional speakers make.

And that is why we took a Christmas break early. You see he's booked solid over the holiday and we would have nowhere to sit

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The New Redneck Sport - Animal Throwing by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-09 18:28:57

You may not have heard of the sport of pig throwing yet but I predict it is going to be the next big thing, surpassing pie - eating, dwarf - bowling and even cesspit snorkelling in popularity.

In West Point Mississippi a man named Kevin Pugh has become the first to be convicted of pig throwing. Pugh was fined $249 for throwing a pig at a hotel receptionist. Its a strange amount to be fined but I suppose it was the maximum $150 for assaulting the receptionist but only $124 for throwing a pig as the creature only weighed 60 pounds. It is not clear why Pugh threw a pig at the victim. Hotel receptionists are usually polite and helpful but occasional mutants have been mistaken for members of genus Jobsworth due to their infuriating refusal to listen to reason.

Any fault on the part of the receptionist involved in the case seems unlikely however as the Pugh pig-throw was one of a spate of check-shirt-wearing-pickup-truck-driving-lard-arse related animal throwing incidents in the West Point area that night.

A police spokesman said, "It must be some new redneck thing because no similar incidents have ever been reported before.

Pugh has pleaded not guilty to a further charge of throwing a possum at fast food restaurant counter hand.

On grounds of diminished responsibility we assume.

The psychiatric report will make interesting reading.

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Bono GetsThe Clap by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-08 17:53:04

Don't we all love it when the most pompous celebrities get their come uppance.

I heard a wonderful story yesterday, it happened a whiole ago so maybe some of you already know of it.

During a gig in Glasgow Saint Bono stood frontstage, held up his hands for silence and then started clapping slowly.

"Do you realise," he said, "every time I clap my hands a child dies in Africa.

And from the audience a Glaswegian voice called out "well stop fucking clapping Jimmy."

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Farts of Mass Destruction by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-07 16:05:22

A story picked up from Yahoo News yesterday makes us wonder if the Turrrists and People of Evelyn Tent are getting more subtle and cunning or if the security forces are getting more stupid and paranoid.

An Aircraft bound for Dallas on a U,S. internal flight was forced to land in Nashville when passengers complained of the smell of burning sulphur. The authorities immediately went on teror alert

Later a woman admitted to FBI agents she had struck several matches to conceal the stink of her rancid farts.

Were this a serious blog we might well ask how, when it is impossible to get a bottle of springwater on a 'plane Mrs Fartybottom managed to sneak matches past airport security.

Instead we will simply promise never ever to use the phrase "about as dangerous as a smelly fart" in an ironic way again.

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Reality Withdrawal by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-04 17:23:59

Now that Celebrity-Strictly-Come-Dancing-Out-Of-The-Jungle-To-Love-Island is almost finished its increasingly surreal - yes, surreal; think Peter Schmichel dancing the Tango, Robbie from East Enders actually being popular, Jan Leeming deluding herself she is a sex bomb and Smiley Smiley Carol Smillie almost looking sexy (not to mention Myleen's boobies) - and the altered state of Christmas still three weeks away how will we ever cope.

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Blair Style Apology by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-03 16:58:51

I want to say I'm very very sorry, not for slavery or the Irish Potato Famine, Blair has already done them; not even for The Dissolution of the Monatries or for Santa Claus The Movie even, although all of these were terrible crimes against humanity. No, I have to apologise for something much worse.

Last week, in commenting on The X - Factor I said The MacDonald Bros. were a Proclaimers Tribute Band.

Well to prove me wrong last night they showed their versatility by covering Shang - A - Lang by the Bay City Rollers, complete with a tartan-scarf-waving section in the audience. I have to say it wasn't half bad (not 'arf - farewell Fluff, thanks for all the music.) If fact its sounded just like...

....................
..........................
..................................
..........................................
..................................
...........................
.....................

it would if The Proclaimers sang it.

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Jelly Fish dish takes the biscuit. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-02 18:24:37

Japan is beseiged by two metre wide, four hundred pound alien jelly fish (OK, I lied about the alien bit.)

But in a twist worthy of Tim Burton's sci - fi spoof movie Mars Attacks in which the seemingly indestructibe aliens explode when Slim Whitman's record of Indian Love Call is played, the fearless and brilliant students of Obama Fisheries High School in Fukui Province (sorry, no pronunciation guide available) have developed a technique for making the giant invertibrates into biscuits (or cookies if you are American.)

A Japanese food writer comments "the biscuits have a superbly textured sweetness nicely complemented by the bitter, salty taste normally associated with jellyfish.

Yeah, right.

I think I'll stick with my Hob Nobs

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The Man With The Pollonium Gun by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-01 17:37:20

The murdered Russian Spy story rumbles on and the trail of suspicion which has pointed to a London Hotel, a Sushi bar, The Kremlin and Muswell Hill now shifts once more. A new figure has emerged in the form of Professor Scaramella of Naples.

Professor who? Somebody is having a laugh. Was this new twist by any chance reported by a correspondent named Ffion Lemming? And is the Professor a bald, weasel faced man who carries a Persian cat everywhere and rides round in a nuclear powered wheelchair that shoots jets of scalding hot minestrone soup at enemies.

I think the only way this case will ever be solved is if, for information leading to the capture of the criminals a substantial reward is offered.

ONE MILLION DOLLARS ought to do the trick

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The science clowns are going off their heads again, getting over-excited about the 'discovery' by the Kepler project of Earth 2, an earth like planet that it would only take twenty million ryears to reach in our fastest spacecraft id. What planet do these do these idiots live on?

So Who Are The real Racist Bigots - Those Who Have Opinions or those who would abolish free speech?
Since we began publishing in 2009 we have warned that the real enemies of freedom, the ones who would turn certain sectors of the community are not the conservatives and libertarians, but those who try to mask their fascistic politics by calling themselves left, liberal or socialist. If you want to know what socialism is really all about read up on Stalinist Russia or Maoist China and if you want a comparison for the 'liberal values of Labour and Social democrat voters in Europe or American democrats, look no further than the medieval Inquistion and their brutal purges of 'heresy'.

Pissed Off Locals In Europe Torch Refugee Centres To Resist Enforced Placement Of Immigrants

Citizens in Germany and Italy have taken to burning the resettlement centres in their communities designated to provide accommodation for people who have crossed the Mediterranean to enter Europe illegally.

Riots In Athens As Betrayed Greeks Take Back

Democracy
A converted country inn, forced to close due to punitive EU taxes and restrictive laws, then renovated at taxpayers expense for use by illegal migrants has been burned down in Reichertshofen, Germany after locals discovered it was being prepared to become refugee accommodation.

The Day The EU Died - Destruction Of Greece Shows True Fascist Nature Of The European Project Some inside information on the political stitch up that has turned GreeThe Day The EU Died - Destruction Of Greece Shows True Fascist Nature Of The European Projectce into a vassal state and humiliated the Greek people for the purpose of furthering the neo-Fascist 'ever closer union' agenda of the bureaucratic dictators in Brussels.

The Bansturbator Diaries - Ban Everything And Tax It Too
Red Meat, fast food,, Pies, Pizzas, Cigarettes, Alcohol, and now sugar. The fun fascists are on the rampage everywere. Is there anything we can do to stop them? Yes. all we have to do is ignore them, especially the ones who try to claim some kind of authority by using the word 'science' far more than is necessary.

Spain Goes Full Police State; Government Enacts Law Forbidding Dissent, 'Unauthorized' Photography Of Law Enforcement
Spain is now a police state again. On July 1st, its much-protested "gag" law went into effect, instantly making criminals of those protesting the new law. Not since the death of General Franco has free speech been a crime in the country.

TTIP in the EU: Rejecting Democracy
Trade deals have traditionally been about lowering particular tariffs for imports and exports of goods from one country to another. Trade is not as simple as that any more and for TTIP tariffs are a tiny part of the negotiations because tariffs between the EU and US are virtually non-existent these days. Trade in TTIP is about issues that are relevant and important to us all: from which services are publicly provided, to the safety of the food on our plates

Greece, Monetary Union and Europe - Omnibus
The Greek financial meltdown and inevitable exit from the European Monetary System (Euro) and possibly the EU may be staved off a little longer but will happen. If the burden of Euro membership can wreck strong economies like France, Austria and The Netherlands, how can a basket case like Greece ever cope.

Hackers Hacked - Government Ties Exposed
An Italian company develops hacking tools for government security agencies itself became the target of a hacker attack, resulting in its internal documents being leaked online and its deals with numerous governments being exposed.

Four Converging Crises Could Destroy Europe
Four great crises around Europe’s fringes threaten to engulf the European Union, potentially setting the ambitious post-war unification project back by decades. The EU’s unity, solidarity and international standing are at risk from Greece’s debt, Russia’s role in Ukraine, Britain’s attempt to change its relationship with the bloc, and Mediterranean migration.

Oregon bakery that refused same-sex couple owes $135,000 in damages
This page started by looking as a case of personal liberty versus gay fascism in Belfast, Northern Ireland but looks set to spread in all directions. While the Belfast Gay Cake case was, to the best of our knowledge, the first of its kind in Britain, there have already been a number of high profile cases in which the authorities have deemed that gay bitchiness trumps the civil rights of straight people,

Troika Is Manoeuvering To Rig The Greek Referendum
According to Greece's finance minister Yanis Varoufakis, the troika, the IMF, European Central Bank and EU Commission is planning to rig the outcome of the Greek referendum on whether to accept further austerity measures in return for bail out cash

Ending the Ownership of Money
It must be common knowledge by now that some of the world’s most economically powerful nations are insolvent due to the burden of sovereign debt. These economies are held together through by the faith of citizens and businesses in the currency. If that faith evaporates, the leading economies will crash as voters realise the only thing underwriting the economy is debt.

Climate Change: Physicist Asks Is a Deadly Ice Age on the Horizon?
The last ice age ended approximately 12,000 years ago, and since then we’ve been enjoying a pleasantly warm “interglacial period.” But given that an interglacial may last only 12,000 years, we’re confronted with a scary prospect: Another ice age may be nigh.

Government Paid Trolls Are Using 'Psychology-Based Influence Techniques' in Social Media
Have you ever come across someone on the Internet that you suspected was a paid government troll? Well, there is a very good chance that you were not imagining things. Thanks to Edward Snowden, we now have solid proof that paid government trolls are using “psychology-based influence techniques” on social media websites such as YouTube, Facebook and Twitter.

Zuckerberg reveals Facebook Working On Apps 'Smarter Than Humans'
In an online Question and Answer session this week Facebook supremo and founding megalomaniacal sociopath Mark Zuckerberg announced that his company is engaged in building AI systems "that are better than humans at our primary senses."

Boko Haram attack on Nigerian village leaves nearly 100 people dead


According to eye witnesses nearly 100 people have been killed in an attack on mosques and houses in a village in north-eastern Nigerian by suspected Boko Haram militants, news feeds reported today (2 July 2015).

Sleepwalking Into Another Middle East War To Make Obama Look Good
Watching the news feeeds, we see The United States has blocked attempts by its alleged Middle East allies to fly heavy weapons directly to the Kurds fighting the Islamic State jihad in Iraq.

War, Famine, Plague and all that
It is no secret that “news” media in the developed world is owned by a few corporate empires whose ultimate owners' are financial operators whose reach extends into manufacturing, extraction industries, big agriculture and food,

The Day the Earth Died - And Why The Green Lobby Did Not Raise A Whimper In Protest
By selling their votes in return for pledges of government spending in their states the current crop of US Senators have effectively transformed their nation from a representative democracy to a dictatorship in which the President can make law on a whim.

Artificial Intelligence: Will It Kill Human Society?
The media, the so called 'experts' and politicians hail every technological advance as if it will btransport us from reality to a utopian paradise. but does Artificial Intelligence and related internet and computer technology pose theats to human society that far outweigh any possible advantages? Whateve, Google plan to put machines in our place on top of the food chain.

City of Berkeley to require cellphone sellers to warn of possible radiation risks
One of the fist themes of this blog was that mobile phones (and wi-fi etc.) do pose a risk to health. Here's the latest admission that the sceptics voices were right, from The Guardian

Have US tactics only helped to make ISIS more powerful?/b>
We have questioned the US led efforts to defeat ISIS in the middle east many times, pointing out that every time the western alliance steps up opposition to the establishment of a news Islamic Caliphate, Islamic State seem to get stronger. 'Conspiracy Theorists', our critics yell. So let's look at opinion from around the world that concurs with ours.

Refugee host school in Germany bans revealing clothes
We have asked before and no doubt will again, when the citizens of a nation are constantly asked to give up their freedoms and change their behaviour in order to avoid offending new arrivals from medievalist cultures, whose effing country is it anyway.

More Violence In Malmo As Community Centre Burned
27 'youths' arrested after shootout in Rosengård
More trouble in Sweden as the ruling elite's determination to had the country over to lawless gangsters and tribalists from barbaric third world cess pits sees violence and inter - tribal conflict continue to increase in the once peaceful suburbs of Swedish cities.

Refugeee Host School In Germany Bans Short Skirts As They Wind Up Muslim Boys
We have asked before and no doubt will again, when the citizens of a nation are constantly asked to give up their freedoms and change their behaviour in order to avoid offending new arrivals from medievalist cultures, whose effing country is it anyway.

How Ironic That Humourless Warmageddonists Will Not See The Irony
I've lost count of how many times this blog has highlighted the extraordinary consistency with which politicians and scientists working in concert manage to achieve the exact opposite of what they are aiming for. One might be tempted to think that the first step in proposing a scientific solution to any problem is to first understand what harm the unintended consequences of your solution might cause.

Saying The Unsayable
Watching BBC Question Time last Thursday, I was struck once again by the way it was left to one of the stock hate figures of the left, Melanie Phillips, to actually pronounce the great, clunking truth that the online activities of left wing hate mobs have rendered unsayable.

Mediterranean Boat People Crisis Threatens European Identity
As European leaders gathere for a summit meeting on the Mediterranean Immigrant crisis, Italy's Matteo Renzi has warned that Europe must find a solution to the ever increasing flow of migrants from third world locations or risk losing its identity.

Saying The Unsayable: Today, Melanie Phillips
Watching BBC Question Time last Thursday, I was struck once again by the way it was left to one of the stock hate figures of the left, Melanie Phillips, to actually pronounce the great, clunking truth that left wing hate mobs have made unsayable.

Russia Outmanoeuvres the west again
While mainstream media (and even some of the more rabidly fascistic left wing bloggers) have been trying to demonize Russia as a way of drumming up public sympathy for Barack Obama's efforts to start a shooting war with Moscow, we Boggart Bloggers and ...

America and UK Lead the World in Climate Scepticism Several times now it has looked as if the climate chance scare was over as the enthusiasm of climate scitentists for changing real world data to fit in with the predictions of their mathematical models has been exposed. But as the scare was never about the environment, but was a scam to redistribute wealth from rich to poor countries, the politicians are throwing their propaganda budgets behind it again.

Sham Marriages To Beat Immigration Laws Are Out Of Control
With main immigration news on being dominated by the Mediterranean boat people crisis and the masses at Calais hoping to stow away in a freight container, we forget that another way of getting somebody into the country is the sham marriage. Numbers involved may be small, but it is another indication of our governments' failure to address the immigration problem.

Mediterranean Immigrant Composite
The flow of undocumented migrants from Africa trying to cross the Mediterranean from the coast of Libya to Italian, Greek and Maltese territory seems unstoppable. Two factors in the problem however have been western (particlarly American meddling in the internal affairs of African states, and wester aid leading to a population explosion national infrastructures are unable to cope with. And of course European leaders haven't a clue how to deal with the problem.

De-Dollarization Du Jour: Russia's Largest Bank Issues Yuan-Denominated Guarantees
Leading the charge to multipolarity and de-dollarization are Russia, resugent despite economic sanctions and the rising superpower in waiting, China. The downgrading of the dollar is clearly demonstrated in the launch of the BRICS bank and the establishment of the AIIB.

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