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Gordfellas - Is the Labour Goverment really like Goodfellas (strong language)
Stories coming from Downing Street accusing Labour Prime Miniter of bullying and being tempramentally unstable should worry us all. We know little of what goes on inside the seat of government and what we hear makes it sound like the movie Goodfellas.

Best Of Boggart Blog (8)

A Seasonal Miracle?


by ianrthorpe,
2006-11-30

South African Mr. (got that, Mr.) Charles Sibindana has been fined ZA$140 for making a fraudulent claim for sick pay. Mr. Sibindana submitted a certificate from his wife's gynaecologist to back up his claim that he took a week's sick leave because he was pregnant.

Now in my book that beats virgin birth by a distance.

RELATED POSTS:
Christmas Menu

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A Couple of Smiles Before It Gets Even More Painful

by ianrthorpe,
2006-11-29

Almost at the end of a month of bad and sad news; Iraq, Afghanistan, the Financial Markets, the environment and the death of Desert Orchid being just a few topics, its nice to hear something jolly.

So I enjoyed the story of the Surrey lady who while visiting the North East went into a hairdressers in Newcastle and asked "Could you do me a perm please."

"Why aye pet," came the reply, "I wandered lernley as a clerd..."

All in all its like the story of the northerner who took holy orders and was appointed vicar of an Anglican parish in Surrey. When he arrived at his church the verger said "I'm sorry about the state of the place, we have a problem with the myrrh." "The myrrh?" said the new vicar, "I didn't know you were high church."

"We're not," the verger said, "but what has that to do with cutting the grass?"

RELATED POSTS:
Comedy Main Menu
Poetry Menu

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Killjoy's Christmas Decorations

by ianrthorpe,
2006-11-28
Following on from last weeks revelations in Machiavelli blog about the Health and Safety Executive's plan to make sure all trees with the potential to fall over in high winds are properly managed with public safety the foremost consideration we bring you more news of Health and Safety fascism from the uber - jobsworths of Tower Hamlets Borough Council.

Last year these halfwit bureaucrats earned ridicule for banning all Merry Christmas type messages lest they offend the delicate sensibilities on non - Christians.

This year, with the complicity of Health and Safety Inspectors they have banned all wall and ceiling mounted decorations in all council premises because staff could be seriously injured while putting them up.

RELATED POSTS:
Christmas Menu
Authoritarian Box Ticking
Health And Safety Halloween

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"Jesus Is Not The Messiah"

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-27

The problem with protesters in other countries is they do not have a British sense of humour (to be fair neither do the police in other countries - and they tend to be a tad trigger happy into the bargain)

On last night's news I saw a shot of a protest against the visit of Pope Benedict to Turkey.

A woman in traditional muslim dress which made her look for all the world like Terry Jones in a famous scene in "The Life of Brian" brandished a placard that read "Jesus is not The Messiah, he is a Prophet of Islam."

"Oh why aren't you English dear," I thought. Had she been she might have had the wit to replace "he is a Prophet of Islam" with the words "he's a very naughty boy."

SCENE FROM LIFE OF BRIAN:
CROWD (in chorus) we want to see Brian, he is the Messiah.
T. Jones (as a woman): He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy.

I include that for the benefit of the very young or those who have led sheltered lives and have not yet seen the funniest film ever made.

RELATED POSTS:
Comedy Menu
Baby Bible Basher
Blair's Faith Foundation
They Prayed Him Straight

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Who Put That Gobshite On Television?

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-26

There's a wonderful scene in an episode of Father Ted where Dougal appears on T.V.

This arouses Father Jack from his drunken stupor. "Who put that gobshite on television?" he roars, hurling an empty whiskey bottle at the TV.

I have a similar moment every week when a certain contestant in X - Factor appears on screen. Its the one who is getting the "Granny" vote. Guess who (and I meant that most sincerely, friends.)

Meanwhile as Simon Cowell eliminated the most talented (the only talented?) contestant again I say GO PROCLAIMERS TRIBUTE BAND!

Oh I would vote five hundred times
if the voting lines were free,
yes I would vote five hundred times
to see Simon Cowell's misery...

RELATED POSTS:
X Factor Ship Of Dead Dreams
X Factor - The Bird Is The Word

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We Need Another Crackdown - suggestions please

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-25

Are Wee Johnny Reid's leadership ambitions distracting him from doing his job as Home Secretary? It must be all of a week since he announced a crackdown.

It is not so long ago the tartan terrier was announcing a dozen new crackdowns a day. There were crackdowns on anti social behaviour, binge drinking, illegal immigrants, truancy, exploding orange juice, obesity, beards, staying up late, harmless nutters, bullies, Clare Short, paedophiles, silly hats and the wrong kind of shite.

Then suddenly silence.

There are only two possibilities, that Dr. Reid is preoccupied with more important business or he has run out of things to crack down on.

Either way, to get wee Johnny back on the rails may we suggest crackdowns on the the following:

Farting in lifts,
Christmas albums,
Christmas books,
Christmas special offers
, Christmas,
Russell Brand,
Celebrity chefs,
Celebrities,
Delusional folk who go off to the jungle thinking they are celebrities,
Delusional folk who come back still unaware that everybody hates them, Panto Boy on the X - factor,
Peter Kay,
Spin.

Any suggestions you wish to add to the list will be forwarded to The Home Office.

RELATED POSTS: Comedy and Humour Menu
Politics and Economy Menu
Populisty Authoritarianism
The Politics Of Fear And Panic

Oo-er Missis, its the Tree Hugging Cannibals

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-23

In last night's episode of Torchwood (yes, I like Torchwood, after a dodgy first episode it has me suspending disbelief with great enthusiasm) the story was set around a remote farm in the Brecon Beacons. The tree - hugging locals had a very quaint tradition. Every ten years they would round up strangers in the area and eat them (shades if I'm the only cannibal in the village there I thought.) When the Torchwood statutory pretty girl asked the chief cannibal why they did this he replied "because it makes me happy." A chilling reminder there that among all the humandroids, shapeshifters, pan dimensional fart creatures and orgasm - eating aliens that pass through Cardiff's rip in the time - space continuum, good old human evil still has a lot to answer for.

Well that was how I saw it last night...

In this morning's paper I read that the nation's most famous tree hugger, Prince Charles, has just bought a run down farm in the Brecon Beacons.

Oo-er missis, is that coincidence or are sinister forces at work here?

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Alien Life In California
Life On Mars
Turd Nine From Outer Space
More Life On Mars
Alien In My Bed (MP3 audio)
Comedy, Humour Menu

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Blair's Super Nanny State

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-21

In an article for the Currant Bun Tony Blair announced the launch of The Super Nanny State.

As part of a crackdown on anti social behaviour teams of Super Nanny State Stormtroopers will swoop on areas where "poor parenting" is rife. "Poor parenting", according to Blair, is the cause of anti social behaviour and does incalculable harm to children.

People found guilty of "poor parenting" will be sent on parenting courses, to be run we guess by Ruth Kelly and a newly appointed parenting Csar rumoured to be Cilla from Coronation Street.

But, you might well ask, is the problem "poor parenting" or simply parenting? Boggart Blog thinks people with children should forget about parenting and go back to being Mums and Dads.

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Dolphins Don't Drink

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-20

You learn something every day. Yesterday, tucked up in bed with my cold and daytime TV I learned that Dolphins don't drink. Not "don't drink" in the sense of avoiding alcohol but don't drink full stop.

There are various theories as to why. Some zoologists say it is because aquatic mammals get their fluids from what they eat while others contend that as their kidneys cannot process sea water evolution has adapted them to get by without taking in water. While high on industrial strength lem-sips I have one of those moments of insight we get when our brains are addled. Dolphins don't drink because flippers are useless for holding a cup, glass or bottle.

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Government Warning - Trees Can Damage Your Health

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-19

URGENT HEALTH WARNING FROM H.M. GOVERNMENT - Standing under or near tress can seriously damage your health and lead may kill.

Our old friends at the Health and Safety Executive featured in our last blog (BTW apologies to readers who were expecting this post yesterday, there's a nasty bug going round the nether world and your favourite Boggart needed to take a sickie) when we highlighted Bozza Johnson's rantings at the ludicrous nannying of this bunch of hard - hatted, toetector - wearing fascists who seem intent on eliminating any kind of risk from our lives by making us prisoners of rules and regulations.

Now Boggart Blog pick up the standard itself and leads the resistance against the mindless bureaucracy of the clipboard wielding killjoys. Two years ago in Dunham Massey Park, Cheshire, a family were enjoying a winter outing in woodland of the 250 year old plantation when a freak gust of wind caused a Beech to fall. In falling the tree brought down its neighbour which, tragically, killed an eight year old boy.

It was an accident and nobody tried to pretend otherwise. Al least until The Health and Safety Executive got wind of it. As far as the Hard - Hatted, toetector wearing clipboard wielding box tickers are concerned there is no such thing as an act of God, there are only failures of management. If enough boxes had been ticked that freak gust of wind could have been managed.

The HSE Inspectorate demanded that the police arrest the park manager for criminal negligence.

A year later the police dropped the case due to lack of evidence. Presumably all the witnesses, being trees, declined to be interviewed. But the clipboard wielders could not accept a healthy tree simply falling down as healthy trees do from time to time.

The hard - hatted toetector wearers (who, we imagine, all have those anally retentive moustaches that are never allowed to grow more than a quarter of an inch long) were determined that in order to prevent any future tree - related incidents they would ensure procedures were put in place to identify any trees posing a danger to public safety because of their likelihood of falling over in high winds. Also the HSE are determined that the owners of potentially unstable trees are aware of their duty to manage woodland properly.

Whether this results in the National Trust having to cut down all the millions of trees under their management or in those tracts of ancient woodland the weirdie beardies have fought so long and hard to protect from building firms being destroyed because of public safety issues remains to be seen.

If this all seems a bit over the top to you, remember the motto of the HSE is "You Can't Be Too Paranoid.

Here is a facsimilie of a leaflet you will shortly be receiving through the post which details the HSE's advice for tree safety. Never go near trees when it is windy or it may become windy while you are there.

Do not let your dog worry trees, remember a frightened tree is a dangerous tree.

Do not try to feed trees, they may bite.

Do not catch trees or encourage them to follow you home, they make very bad domestic pets.

Always view trees from a safe distance, they can fall surprisingly quickly.

Do not consume fruit or nuts near trees. Seeing their offspring being eaten alive can upset them.

and finally
Always be wary of leaving the safety of your home to look for fun. Fun is dangerous and should be left to properly trained experts with adequate safety equipment.

Safety first second and third, fun nowhere,

The Health and Safety Executive.

Saving Lives Is A Risky Business say Heath and Safety Executive

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Bozza's Tree Crusade

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-17

I was snooping around the Blog of Bozza (or Boris Johnson M.P or Bo - Jo to his fans) the other day. You might think this strange behaviour for an unrepentant old Liberal like me, but I always find Bozza good value). On that occasion I enjoyed his fulminations against the Health and Safety Executive (H.S.E.)

"There are now 3621 pages of Health and Safety legislation, that's 76* times the length of War and Peace" the Blonde One thundered, ending with the question that mustn't be on everyone's lips "is this good for the country?"

Well it is certainly not good for trees. Which is perhaps why the arboreal population of this sceptred isle is coming in for some attention from the HSE which is worried about the safety risks posed by uncontrolled trees.

But we will be returning to that issue tomorrow.

*probably an exaggeration. If it was my blog it would be for comic effect but as its Bozza we're talking about, who knows?

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Pissed as a Moose

by ianrthorpe
@ 2006-11-14

I am always interested to get news from Sweden, having worked in that delighgtful country for a while. The trouble is Sweden is too nice, no terrorists want to blow things up, there is no religious right tarring and feathering people for having fun and even the corporations display a praiseworthy degree os social responsibility. In other words there just isn't enough news in Sweden. Which makes little gems like this more enjoyable.

The Goteborgs - Posten newspaper has been reporting stoeies concerning a moose that is terrorising the city's children. The local police chief blames apples. It turns out the moose is eating windfall apples which have fermented naturally to produce an alcoholic subsatance similar to the Scrumpy Cider know to all who have visited the English West Country (and particularly those who frequent jazz festivals in that part of the world.)

"We are dealing with an ELK - o - holic here," a spokesperson for the police department said (allegedly.)

Drunken Elk In The Orchard

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Cornish Pasty Wars

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-13

There be grumblings down in the west country, ooh - arrr. They ig'rant Dev'ners is trying to say they'm inventing t' Corrrrnish Pasty an' Corrrrnwall stoleded it of'n un."

The controversy arises from a discovery made in the audit book of a 16th century Devonian housekeeper who had written on one of the pages her recipe for pasties.

The first written record of a Cornish pasty dates from 1746.

The important word here is "written." As Terry Pratchett says, "never take any notice of things written down on paper. A thing cannot be of the least importance if somebody had time to write it down." Quite. Empirical evidence is needed and over in Cornwall they claim the recipe for pasties has been handed down through the oral tradition since 8000 B.C.

Nobody knows the true origins of pastry of course and therefore we can be certain of nothing, but I am with Cornwall on this one. And furthermore I am willing to testify that in Motorway services restaurants on many occasions I have eaten 10,000 year old pasties.

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I Just Met A Girl Named Maria

. by ianrthorpe
2006-11-12

From time to time something happens that makes me feel I am once more young and attractive to the opposite sex. I have the internet to thank for this. Such an instance was the e-mail I received this week from Maria. She wrote:

"Hello Mr. Torp. I am dark hair Russian, age 26, attractive professional lady and working in marketing structure selling cosmetic (ooh that accent sends chills up and down my spine.).I read your details on world wide web and find you interesting, attractive man (Isn't she wonderful?) I am intelligent, mature woman who is ready for creating family with good man. (ah - erm, creating family? As in making babies? She obviously didn't read the bit about the vasectomy...) Even if this is not your searching for in the future it would be fine if we can meet and do friendship (friendship, bugger! I thought I'd scored) or maybe do more than just friendship (I have scored!)

Mail me,
yours with love and many kisses, (now hang on girl, we haven't been properly introduced)
Maria.

Needless to say I'm all of a flutter wondering does she have green eyes and those classic Russian cheekbones, is her accent really that cute and will the overdraft stretch to an hour of her time or just a quickie?

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The Wages Of Sin

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-10

British Christian Fundamentalist minister George Hargreaves is known for his hard - line position on most issues concerning sex and drugs and rock & roll. His views on abortion, contraception (the only acceptable method it seems is the one where the woman holds a pocket bible between her knees) , stem cell research and same - sex partnerships are pretty much what you would expect from a founder member of an organisation called Christian Voice.

And George is a very active campaigner on all these issues.

But it has not always been so. In the 1980s George wrote a song that was a world wide hit for Sinitta and has since become a gay anthem in clubs on every continent. Here is a sample of the lyric:

So macho,
he's gotta be so macho,
gotta be big and strong,
enough to turn me on.

Well I suppose its OK to dance to the song so long as you don't act on its advice.

Nice though to see the wages of sin, estimated at 10,000 a year, providing us with such a wonderful iron.

Now I have a link to a searchable Bible somewhere, let's see what it says about hypocrisy.

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And I though it was just my wife

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-09

British women aged over 40 own an average of 19 pairs of shooes but it is not uncommon to have more than 100. Woman and Home polled more than 1,500 women over 40 on their attitudes and found that handbags are also popular, with 11 being the average. Some women said they owned more than 200 and a third said they lied about the cost of their shopping sprees.

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Stupid Crtminal Of The Week: Shrink wrapped criminal

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-07

A Bosnian burglar escaped from jail in Austria by having himself shrink-wrapped in plastic and taken out with parts for street lamps hade by inmates. The lorry driver noticed a rip in one of his pallets soon after leaving the jail, but Muradif H, 36, show was serving a seven-year term in Graz, had fled. He remains at large.

I hope he didn't need a wee while he was in the wrapping. The only way I can ever get stuff out of shrink wrapping is by stabbing the stuff with a knife or screwdriver.

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The Buzz About The X Factor

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-05

On last saturday's X - Factor show Sharon Osbourne criticised the prettiest and most talented girl singer remaining, saying the sound of her vibrato had ruined her performance.

I had to agree with La Donna O. Back when I was staging rock concerts I always used to remind female performers to switch their vibratos off before they wen't onstage. The Microphones can pick up the buzz.

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Who Makes All The Pies?

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-03

During environment question time yesterday, amid all the weighty queries about global warming, deforestation, drought, famine etc. Mary Creagh, MP for Wakefield, demanded that the Minister congratulate a butcher in her constituency for willing the Large Pork Pie category at the Great Yorkshire Pie Show as this, apparently, is the world cup of pie making.

Nice to see they have their pieorities (sorry, couldn't resist) sorted in Yorkshire

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Proud To Be Pissed - A New Year Message for readers. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-31 17:03:32

Boggart Blog's New Year Message to our readers is "be proud of your heritage, get bladdered."

Despite repeated Government warnings of the health hazards of binge drinking which suggest it is a recent phemonnonomonxxx phnemnioxxxxx pfemonionxxxxx trend (sorry we've had a couple in the editorial office)binge drinking is a longstanding British tradition.

Hazel Blears who is minister for saying very silly things issued a statement to the effect that the British are not ready to adopt continental drinking patterns.

Too Bloody Right we're not. We enjoy getting rat - arsed. The Roman historian Tacitus, writing in the first century AD said, "The Britons have a tendency when feasting to drink ale or wine until they fall into a stupor." Julius Caesar had first noted the trend a hundred years earlier. "They are formidable fighters but unreliable due to their habit of drinking heavily before battle," he noted.

So forget the shame attached to drunkenness, that is just an invention of the nanny state. Let's welcome the New Year by proclaiming to the world that we the British people are Proud To Be Pissed.

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,
Its Just Criminal by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-29 16:49:09

There's bugger all happens between Christmas and New Year so its time to dig out the old Armitasge Shanks joke book (in my days as an occasional stand up I was Armitage Shanks, The Man Who Puts The BIZ in Showbiz,) and try to raise a smile.

Over the holiday theives broke into a greenhouse at Kew Gardens and stole many rare trees and shubs. Earlier today police arrested two men who were driving in a truck loaded with exotic vegitation.

A the men denied involvement in the theft and said the evidence was planted.

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A Bizarre Story From Derby by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-28 17:20:11 Derbyshire County Council have ordered their webmasters to use content filtering to prevent the Ramblers' Association Derby Dales Group web page being accessed from library internet cafes in the county.

The Derby ramblers' web content falls within the county councils' definition of a sex website the press release reveals.

No surprise then that Derby ramblers "love to go a - wandering along the mountain track" then but just what the hell does rambling involve in the Derby Dales we wonder?

I must ask Mike St. Mark if he has experienced any interesting variations from the norm while walking in the Peak district.

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Christmas is Bollocks by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-27 17:54:06

Its over! What a relief!

Don't you hate Christmas? Oh come on, be honest. Don't call me Scrooge. Christmas is bollocks. Christmas things are bollocks. Christmas specials on tele are bollocks. Christmas food is bollocks. Everything about the whole over-hyped, over commercialised, overadvertised, overcelebrated mess of modern excess is bollocks. Food. Nuts? Why do we buy nuts in their shells at Christmas? The rest of the year we (those of us who like to eat healthy anyway) get nice convenient ...

CLICK HERE To read all Christmas Is Bollocks

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Belated Greetings by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-26 16:52:09 Boggart Blog took unscheduled downtime a couple of days before the offiocial break started. This was due to (1) visitors, (2) server problems and (3) a totally silly wild adventure in Christmas shopping...

"oh yeah love, I'll be fine walking the half mile back to the car through this hilly town, you just whack the shopping in my wheelchair." (well I couldn't let Teri do the trip twice.

Now half a mile is a tad over my limit even on level ground. I made the trip but with several large back muscles totally wrecked and needing a few days.

Still, if you can't do something idiotic at this time of year when can you do something idiotic?

Belated seasons greetings to all regular readers and visitors.

Back tomorrow.

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A blog post about sweeet FA by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-22 17:29:41

Nice to see the Freedom Association* getting involved in the London mayoral election campaign with an attack on Ken Livingstone's anti - semitism. The appearance of a new political body promotiong libertarian values is always welcome.

Unfortunately their chance of winning any seats on the London Assembly are as described on their logo. F.A.

*I am assuming this F.A. is nothing to do with the 1970s F.A. a group of Express, Mail and Telegraph readers that campaigned for freedoms such as the right to enslave unmarried mothers and the right to put black babies in casseroles.

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A quick roundup by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-21 18:26:38

Boggart Blog has always prided itself on bringing you the news that is not worth reading from around the world: here is a roundup of the last few days...

Starting In Sweden

After enduring years of ridicule, the inhabitants of the Swedish village of Fjuckby have handed in an application to Swedish authorities to have the hamlet's name changed to Fjukeby.

Meanwhile in the USA

Border patrol officers found a four foot long alligator in a suitcase during a routine traffic stop in south-west Arizona. Lloyd Easterling, a spokesman, said it was discovered when agents detained a driver in Yuma after drug sniffing dogs singled out the car where the case was. Marijuana was also found.

...its the art of it that matters in France...

Pierre Herme, the so-called 'Picasso of patisserie' won the annual award presented by the newspaper Le Figaro for the best croissant in Paris. He said the test of a perfect croissant should be more than how it tasted, looked or smelt.

"The noise of the croissant is also very important," he said. "I can almost hear them shout when people tear them apart."

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The Durex List by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-20 17:29:21

Every year the makers of Durex condoms conduct a worldwide survey of sexual behaviour in adults. One of the facts this reveals is the average number of partners per person by nationality.

Out of idle curiosity I looked at the list and.... (blushes) I've been a very naughty boy.

Here are a selection of national scores:

Turkey - 14.5
Australia - 13.3
Italy - 11.8
Switzerland - 11.1
U.S.A. - 10.7 (Not top? that will shut them right up!)
Japan - 10.2
U.K. - 9.8
Austria - 9.7
France - 8.1
Singapore - 7.2
Surprisingly China and India are way down the list with 3.1 and 3.0 respectively. Makes you wonder how there are so many of them.

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Posh Spice becoming an Alien? Strange but possibly true. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-19 19:58:11

If you have seen recent pictures of Victoria Beckham nee Posh Spice you may have thought there was something not quite human about them.

Well you could be right. The whisper over at Salon.com is that with the help of the ArchThetan Tom Cruise (4'6"), Professional celebrity Posh is to become an alien bride.

Well that should give us more entertainment than her singing ever has.

Read it for yourself here

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Pissed As A Camel by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-17 18:07:58

Staff at an Irish riding school had to postpone a Christmas party after Gus the camel chomped his way through 200 mince pies and several cans of Guinness meant for their festivities. Gus, starring in the riding school's Santa's Magical Animal Kingdon show, filled up while staff were changing for their party.

Camels store liquids in their humps of course.

Which means there is a camel with a hump full of guinness on the loose in Ireland.

I don't give much for his chances of making it through the next two weeks.

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AIDS Message Rammed Home by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-16 17:20:19

Now it is very naughty and not at all politically correct to make fun of serious subjects. But has that ever stopped Boggart Blog before?

Right!

So it would be remiss of us not to comment on the World Health Organisation's report on the spread of AIDS in Africa. Now the WHO is a very serious body that does not deal in puns, double entendres and smutty jokes.

So when the report of findings that male circumcision reduces the chances of contracting HIV infection by 50%, a document of considerable gravitas, who the hell decided the launch presentation would be given by Mr. Kevin de Cock.

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Those Whom The Gods Would Destroy... #1 by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-15 17:20:55

Those whom the gods would destroy they first make ridiculous. Dare we hope then that the forces of natural justice have something spectacularly nasty planned for the Labour politicians who have surpassed in arrogance the last days of John Major's tory government. Because events atre certainly making the dark lords of the New Labour project look a right bunch of twats.

Let us all rejoice then at the news that in this season of merriment an official Labour Party DVD containing Blair's last speech to conference as leader and a film record of Labour's years in office titled Labour Achievement Film (interesting acronym there BTW) has been reduced to 5 per copy to clear stocks.

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Golden Globes by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-14 17:20:49

A headline on teletext informed me Helen Mirren is nominated for "three globes."

Now I can't see why she needs three, I remember from when she was an up and coming young actress the two very attractive ones she grew herself.

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Boggart Abroad by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-13 17:54:49

Read this at Huffington Post yesterday.

Not surprisingly, the Bush administration is already backing away from most of the 79 proposals put forth by the Iraq Study Group. But while Bush isn't ready to follow the group's recommendations, he's ready to adopt its slogan, "New Way Forward." The president may not be into things like facts, truth, or reality, but he loves a good slogan. Of course, that's been the problem during this entire fiasco -- the substitution of rhetoric for policy -- the belief, even at this late date, that reality can be changed simply by changing the language used to describe it. Bush makes a big show of his religious faith, but what's truly impressive is his incredible faith in the power of PR, and, accordingly, his lack of faith in the American people. I think the slogan is a missed opportunity. As we know Bush and Blair are desperately seeking a way to get out without losing face could we suggest the new slogan be amended to read Backwards is the new way forward.

While we're on American military matters we also read while blogging abroad yeaterday that an independant watchdog has revealed senior US officers are coercing soldiers into converting fundamentalist christianity.

People who refuse to be "born again" are left in no doubt their careers will hit a dead end.

This is good news for the anti war movement. The fubnies are so paranoid that all the Afghans and Iraqis will have to do is dress in halloween costumes and the Americans will think the Devil has come to get them and run away.

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Farewell Augusto - you inspired so many by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-12 17:32:27

New Labour Blogger Bob Piper yesterday made a jibe at the "warm tributes" being paid to Pinochet and recalled that the Blessed Maggie's was best buddies with the dead dictator.

Our best buddy Little Nicky Machiavelli commented:

Yeah, Thatcher being best buddies with a murdering tyrant was a terrible disgrace to this country. A bit like Blair being best buddies with the tyrant, torturer and war criminal Bush, the tyrant Gaddafi and the limb amputating vagina mutilators of the Saudi Royal House

.

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A Very Boggart Christmas. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-11 17:26:29

Working for Jenny Greenteeth has its perks. Boggarts such as Jenny live outside the normal time / space continuum and can move events around at random. So yesterday we celebrated our family Christmas.

The reason for this eccentric behaviour is that Darling Daughter is off to France to work as a sports masseur & physiotherapist through the not skiing season (no snow in France this year it seems)

It has been a hectic few days since Gabby twice arrived on the saner side of the Pennines bringing all her stuff from the apartment she has just vacated. David is also in residence having rendered himself homeless. Disregarding parental warnings he took up a tenancy in which rent books and contracts did not figure - and naturally landed back in the parental home several months ago.

Now I neither know nor want to know what kind of altered consciousness my offspring inhabit but they both seem unaware that it is six years since we moved from the TARDIS-like Thorpe Towers (an elegant old terrace with attic and cellar) to a bijou and compact three bedroomed bungalow. Things are a bit cramped to say the least.

But its amazing what good dining stools David's professional speakers make.

And that is why we took a Christmas break early. You see he's booked solid over the holiday and we would have nowhere to sit

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The New Redneck Sport - Animal Throwing by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-09 18:28:57

You may not have heard of the sport of pig throwing yet but I predict it is going to be the next big thing, surpassing pie - eating, dwarf - bowling and even cesspit snorkelling in popularity.

In West Point Mississippi a man named Kevin Pugh has become the first to be convicted of pig throwing. Pugh was fined $249 for throwing a pig at a hotel receptionist. Its a strange amount to be fined but I suppose it was the maximum $150 for assaulting the receptionist but only $124 for throwing a pig as the creature only weighed 60 pounds. It is not clear why Pugh threw a pig at the victim. Hotel receptionists are usually polite and helpful but occasional mutants have been mistaken for members of genus Jobsworth due to their infuriating refusal to listen to reason.

Any fault on the part of the receptionist involved in the case seems unlikely however as the Pugh pig-throw was one of a spate of check-shirt-wearing-pickup-truck-driving-lard-arse related animal throwing incidents in the West Point area that night.

A police spokesman said, "It must be some new redneck thing because no similar incidents have ever been reported before.

Pugh has pleaded not guilty to a further charge of throwing a possum at fast food restaurant counter hand.

On grounds of diminished responsibility we assume.

The psychiatric report will make interesting reading.

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Bono GetsThe Clap by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-08 17:53:04

Don't we all love it when the most pompous celebrities get their come uppance.

I heard a wonderful story yesterday, it happened a whiole ago so maybe some of you already know of it.

During a gig in Glasgow Saint Bono stood frontstage, held up his hands for silence and then started clapping slowly.

"Do you realise," he said, "every time I clap my hands a child dies in Africa.

And from the audience a Glaswegian voice called out "well stop fucking clapping Jimmy."

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Farts of Mass Destruction by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-07 16:05:22

A story picked up from Yahoo News yesterday makes us wonder if the Turrrists and People of Evelyn Tent are getting more subtle and cunning or if the security forces are getting more stupid and paranoid.

An Aircraft bound for Dallas on a U,S. internal flight was forced to land in Nashville when passengers complained of the smell of burning sulphur. The authorities immediately went on teror alert

Later a woman admitted to FBI agents she had struck several matches to conceal the stink of her rancid farts.

Were this a serious blog we might well ask how, when it is impossible to get a bottle of springwater on a 'plane Mrs Fartybottom managed to sneak matches past airport security.

Instead we will simply promise never ever to use the phrase "about as dangerous as a smelly fart" in an ironic way again.

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Reality Withdrawal by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-04 17:23:59

Now that Celebrity-Strictly-Come-Dancing-Out-Of-The-Jungle-To-Love-Island is almost finished its increasingly surreal - yes, surreal; think Peter Schmichel dancing the Tango, Robbie from East Enders actually being popular, Jan Leeming deluding herself she is a sex bomb and Smiley Smiley Carol Smillie almost looking sexy (not to mention Myleen's boobies) - and the altered state of Christmas still three weeks away how will we ever cope.

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Blair Style Apology by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-03 16:58:51

I want to say I'm very very sorry, not for slavery or the Irish Potato Famine, Blair has already done them; not even for The Dissolution of the Monatries or for Santa Claus The Movie even, although all of these were terrible crimes against humanity. No, I have to apologise for something much worse.

Last week, in commenting on The X - Factor I said The MacDonald Bros. were a Proclaimers Tribute Band.

Well to prove me wrong last night they showed their versatility by covering Shang - A - Lang by the Bay City Rollers, complete with a tartan-scarf-waving section in the audience. I have to say it wasn't half bad (not 'arf - farewell Fluff, thanks for all the music.) If fact its sounded just like...

....................
..........................
..................................
..........................................
..................................
...........................
.....................

it would if The Proclaimers sang it.

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Jelly Fish dish takes the biscuit. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-02 18:24:37

Japan is beseiged by two metre wide, four hundred pound alien jelly fish (OK, I lied about the alien bit.)

But in a twist worthy of Tim Burton's sci - fi spoof movie Mars Attacks in which the seemingly indestructibe aliens explode when Slim Whitman's record of Indian Love Call is played, the fearless and brilliant students of Obama Fisheries High School in Fukui Province (sorry, no pronunciation guide available) have developed a technique for making the giant invertibrates into biscuits (or cookies if you are American.)

A Japanese food writer comments "the biscuits have a superbly textured sweetness nicely complemented by the bitter, salty taste normally associated with jellyfish.

Yeah, right.

I think I'll stick with my Hob Nobs

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The Man With The Pollonium Gun by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-01 17:37:20

The murdered Russian Spy story rumbles on and the trail of suspicion which has pointed to a London Hotel, a Sushi bar, The Kremlin and Muswell Hill now shifts once more. A new figure has emerged in the form of Professor Scaramella of Naples.

Professor who? Somebody is having a laugh. Was this new twist by any chance reported by a correspondent named Ffion Lemming? And is the Professor a bald, weasel faced man who carries a Persian cat everywhere and rides round in a nuclear powered wheelchair that shoots jets of scalding hot minestrone soup at enemies.

I think the only way this case will ever be solved is if, for information leading to the capture of the criminals a substantial reward is offered.

ONE MILLION DOLLARS ought to do the trick

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House battery to store energy will 'change entire infrastructure of the world' - or maybe not


House battery to store energy will 'change entire infrastructure of the world' - or maybe not
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Tony Blair under pressure to come clean over Labour minister child sex abuse cover-up
Pressure mounted on Tony Blair tonight to answer questions over the Mirror’s revelations that a child sex abuse probe was axed after a minister in his government was named as a suspect. MPs joined forces with a victim of abuse to call on the former Prime Minister to reveal if he knew about the alleged cover up or of any allegations against the politician.

Multi-Cultural England: Are You Feeling The Progressive Diversity That's Enriching Your Life Visit some parts of most British cities with large immigrant populations and you will be hard pressed to recognize it, certainly my granparents would struggle to recognize the towns they knew. Appeasement of foreigners has destroyed the character of our communities but as usual the political left advise solving the problem by doing over again the things that caused it.

Europe is waking up to the threat of globalism and the Transatlantic Partnership
Massive protests in Europe, an issue that unites the bitterly hostile right and left wing politiucal factions in the USA, the Trans Altantic Trade And Investment Partnership (TTIP) must be something quite special. The Daily Stirrer believes it is a corporate power grab, a bid to transfer the lawmaking systems of sovereign nations to bureucrats and corporate lawyers. Learn more below ...

Labour Scourge Of Tax Avoiders Is A Tax Dodger? WTF is going on?
We have often made points about the hypocroisy of the left, particularly those lefties, but surely Margaret Hodge (nee Oppenheim - the diamond people) is the undisputed champ of left wing hypocrites. As a senior Labour MP Margaret was always eager to condemn tax avoidance. Unfortunately like most self righteous Labour millionaires she did not practice what she preached.

The Immigration Problem (part 1)
As Britain, its voters divided between pragmatism and politically correct thinking, heads for political chaos in an election likely to produce and inconclusive result, the big issue that none of the established parties want to talk about looks set to dominate the political debate through the next government's term in office.

The Baltimore Riots: The Verdict Of Baseball Team The Orioles Owner's Son
In the wake of violent protests that left eastern USA port city Baltimore in flames and were triggered by the funeral of Freddie Gray who died after sustaining a spinal injury while being taken into policy custody, American politicians and media commentators are struggling to explain to the public how the events of Monday evening could happen in twenty - first century America.

Labour's NHS Privatization By Stealth PFI Deals Are Killing Hospital Patients
It is really gobsmacking to see every day, Labour supporters blaiming the Conservatives and Lib Dems for the NHS cisis and accusing UKIP of wanting to privatize the NHS,, when in reality UKIP, the only party whose leaders have real world business experience, are the only party that can or even wish to save the NHS. Get wise to LabLibCon corporate piracy.

Massive Protests In Europe Against TTIP - Mainstream Media Blackout
If you read us here, at Boggart Blog or The Daily Stirrer, or is you are among the growing number of people who turn to alternative media to find out what's really going on in the world, you are most likely aware of the 'free' trade deals, TTIP, TISA, and TPP being negotiated in secret, behind closed doors.

How To Help The Poor - A look at how mainstream politics talks of fairness but penalises poverty
All three mainstream parties in the May 2015 General Election are focusing, as they did last time, on fairness, equality and helping 'the poor'. As their senior spokesmen piously pontificate there will be no trace of irony from either Conservative, Labour or Liberal Democrat while the spout such bollocks, even though they know their economic policies will penalise the poor.

SNP: Scottish Nazi Party?
Do you really want a bunch of creepy authoritarians like this pulling Ed Miliband's strings in a Labour - SNP power sharing deal?

I've been trying to warn you for years but would you tech heads and science heads listen?
A facebook friend, Mary Bladley McCaulay writes: Now I know for sure Google earth is following me. Went to the Dentist in Mufreesboro this AM. When I got back to my sons house and got online with my Kindle, first thing I saw was a Dental ad.

PayPal Asserts Copyright Ownership Over All Intellectual Property of its Users
The update comes in the aftermath of the announcement that eBay and PayPalwill split apartinto two separate companies. Under the heading “Intellectual Property,” PayPal announcesthat it is introducing a new paragraph to its agreement, effective July 1, 2015, that will allow the company to “use content that you post for publication using the Services”.

Poldark female star: Obsession with topless Aidan Turner is 'sexist and undermines the show'
The latest outburst has come in response to a few tabloid stories of actor Aidan Turner's 'topless' appearances in the BBC television series Poldark. The screeching sisters can't really complain about male chauvinism as it is women who are lusting for Ross Poldark. So the ladies (?) are upset because they can't go topless too.

BBC scandal – Breast beating, politically correct broadcaster has links to gangters, banksters and the arms trade As news leaks out from the inner sanctums of the BBC about cronyism and corruption in the corporations management structure, people are starting to wonder if the Clarkson fiasco was engineered to deflect attention from the way the BBC has been infiltrated by corporate business, and the linked issue of political bias in its news coverage of the election campaign.

After TTIP Signed, Corporate Sovereignty Will Trump National Laws
News on the anti democracy, anti - sovereignty, corporate friendly TTIP and its sibling TPP, TISA, TAFTA and other treaties that change the meaning of the phrase 'free trade' to mean corporate businesses are free to do as they like without having to consider tedious civil rights, environmental protection and consumer protection laws.

Who Granted The GMO Evangelists The Monopoly On Compassion?

According to the warped world view of pro-GMO individual Paul Evans, who appears to be associated with the ‘allow golden rice’ website and the ‘Galileo Movement’. I happened to respond by raising some of the issues set out below in the hope of having some kind of informed, reasonable debate. With hindsight, there was little chance of that happening.

California’s Mandatory Vaccinations Bill: Big Pharma Lobbyists Call the Shots, Community Opposition Ignored After the historic outpouring of families to halt the passing of SB-277 last Wednesday in California, information has now been made public to further put into question the bill’s credibility. After passing the Sacramento Health Committee vote, the bill was delayed as committee chair Senator Carol Liu wisely told the bill’s author Richard Pan “If I were you, I would not take a vote today.”

Could Corrupt EU-US 'Free Trade' Deal Be Extended To Israel?
There are many reasons to oppose the planned Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership (TTIP), not least because references to 'free' in the text of leaked drafts does not refer to freedom in any conventional sense but to giving global corporations the ability to operate outside the jurisdiction of sovereign governments and override national law.

The Mediterranean Boat People Crisis - How Does Europe Deal With The Mediterranean Migrant Crisis
The numbers of migrants trying to cross from the Libya on the coast of north Africa to one of the EU's southern nations is increasing. Europe's impoverished southern nations can't cope. And in the better off nations of northern Europe immigration is a toxic issue which is fuelling the rise of anti EU parties from France to Finnland in the north and Hungary in the east. What can be done?

It Starts At The Finnish
Conservative, Euro-sceptic party True Finns (PS) have come second in a national election in Finland. They may now be asked to join a ruling coalition with the liberal, anti EU Centrist Party which knocked pro-Europe, pro-federalisation conservative party off the top spot.

If Sturgeon Is Jerking Miliband's Strings, Who Will Be Prime Minister
Since the second division leaders' debate last week, The SNP's Nicola Sturgeon has been leading the news every day. With Labour facing wipeout by the nationalists in Scotland, the possibility of a Labour / SNP coalition along the lines of the Conservative / Lib Dem coalition that has governed since 2010 has become the obsession of the media.

Leaked EU - TTIP document: Destruction of Democracy planned
A new leaked European Commission proposal which if implemented would form part of the EU-US Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership (TTIP) treaty currently being negotiated in secret between Brussels and Washington, EU member state legislative proposals will be subjected to vetting by corporate lawyers for potential impacts on private business interests first.

Self-Loathing Sweden Should Only Welcome Persecuted Immigrants, Instead They Invite The Persecutors Too.
We have covered immigration problems in Europe extensively, but the European country that demonstrates how wide the gap between ordinary people and the ruling eilte has become is Sweden where the politically correct governing coalition's immigration and social policies seem to indicate the elite are engaged in a genocide campaign against ethnic Swedes

The Greek "White Knight" Emerges: Putin To Give Athens €5 Billion For Advance Gas Pipeline Fees

With Greece teetering on the edge of insolvency and forced to raid pension and most other public funds, ahead of another month of heavy IMF repayments which has prompted even the ECB to speculate Greece should introduce a parallel "IOU" currency, a white knight has appeared out of nowhere for Greece,

The Public Interest to Protect Powerful Paedophiles
The Director of Public Prosecutions has decided that it would not be in the public interest to prosecute serial paedophile Greville Janner, for many years the leader of the Zionist lobby in the UK. I presume that his convenient senility is the reason for non-prosecution ...

Reasons Why This Pagan Will Not Vote Labour, Conservative Or Liberal Democrat.
As we prepare to vote in a General Election that we are told will change British Politucs forever, Ian looks at a choice of three main parties that basically offer the same set of globalist, multiculturalist policies and consideres which way a pagan should vote.

The Truth - Labour Privatized The NHS between 1997 and 2010, Now Their Toxic Policies Are Bankrupting It
In the run up to the 2015 UK General Election, and without doubt beyond, one of the great political controversies will focus on the future of the national Health Service (NHS). While most voters consider The Conservatives to be the party of private profit and thus consider Labour a better choice to look after the NHS, Labour has in fact done more, and more damagingly, to privateize health services

NHS executives 'earn £35 million in pay rises' despite funding crisis
While Labour, Lib Dem and Green politicians accused the Conservatives of starving the NHS of cash,and as many Hospital Trusts faced financial problems and having to cut back on standards of care given to patients, we are learning that NHS bosses awarded themselves over £35 million in pay rises during the worst financial year in the history of the service.

Germany Needs A Revolution, Anti-Islam Campaigner Tells PEGIDA Supporters in Dresden
Dresden, Germany heard controversial Dutch politician Geert Wilders address them last night, as the group rebuilds momentum ground after weathering vicious and untrue attacks from German mainstream media, and physical violence from the usual left wing rent-a-mob thugs who always turn out to deny the right of free speech to those who opposed their views.

Anti-Science – The Church Of Scienceology's Latest Pejorative Term For People Who Think And Question.
We are not the only web site to take exception to accusations of being anti - science and all the other pejorative terms used by the Church Of Scienceology disciples to deflect criticism from independent minded people who are smart anough to ask Cui Bono? Which corporate business benefits.

Corporate Capitalism Has Replaced Democracy In Western Nations.
Although this is about the UK General Election in 2015 it has much wider relevance, concerning what is happening in the democratic societies of the developed nation. For that reason this look at how corporate capitalism is usurping democracy and individual freedom will also be relevant long after that election in May 2025.

World War Three? Kiev Reinvades Donbass, Deliberate Provocation Trashed Minsk Agreement
When America wants to provoke Russia it uses proxies, a rabble in Libya, Islamic fundamentalists in Syria and Iraq and neo - Nazi thugs in Ukraine. So far Russia has resisted the urge to kick Obama in the balls, but sooner or later the Russia - China - Iran alliance will respond.

Who Runs America? US Federal Trade Commission Takes Orders From Google
Barak Obama runs America surely, you might well be thinking. We would argue that no US President since Eisenhower has truly run the USA. But the latest revelation of how cosy the Obama Administration has become with corporate business, to the extent that government departments are taking instruction from Google will shock even the most cynical Americans

Rhodes Statue Defaced As South Africa Slides Back Into Primitive Tribalism
A statue of colonial leader Cecil Rhodes at the University of Cape Town has been removed after students launched an uncompromising campaign to have the British explorer and businessman expunged from history. Protesters poured red paint on the bronze figure and danced on the plinth as the statue was lifted off on Friday.

Punish Climate Change Liars" Demands Climate Change Liar
Over the years my scepticism about global warming and attempts to initiate intellgent discussion of the dodgy science based on mathematical models that forms the basis of the Warmageddonist case, versus much less alarming projections based on data from real world observations haveearned me accusations of being a child murderer. Not only that, some of the lefties who support climate fascism have demanded the death penalty for people who disagree with them. And yet they think it unfair to punish certain child rapists and murderers. Hypocrites.

US Soldiers Forced To Sit Through P C 'White Privilege Presentation. Not Happy Bunnies
The U.S. Army is investigating an unauthorized diversity training presentation on “white privilege” shown to hundreds of Georgia soldiers, USA Today reported, citing an Army spokeswoman. The Equal Opportunity training presentation was shown to about 400 soldiers of the 67th Signal Battalion at Fort Gordon on Thursday, according to Captain Lindsay Roman.

Britain's Racist Future: Labour Set To Throw Selection On Merit Out The Window
With four weeks to go until a General Election that could change the face of Britain forever, the Labour Party, which hopes to be elected to govern this great and proud nation, has unveiled a set of policies that would make minorities into privileged castes and relegate the white Working and middle classes to the status of second class citizens. Could you vote for a party that hates your country, your party and YOU?

Now We Know Why Huge TPP Trade Deal Is Kept Secret From the Public
A key section of the secret Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) trade agreement has been leaked to the public. The New York Times has a major story on the contents of the leaked chapter, and it's as bad as many of us feared. Now we know why the corporations and the Obama administration want the TPP, a huge "trade" agreement being negotiated between the United States and 11 other countries, kept secret from the public until it's too late to stop it.

Judge Cuts 20 Year Old's Rape Sentence By 15 Years Because 'He Did Not Mean To Hurt 3-Year-Old Victim
It could only happen in the land of politically correct twattery of course, while here in the UK Labour Party supporters and the Islington Screechers corps wail and gnash their teeth over the fact that pedophiles are denied fulfillment and must be given the right to fuck four year olds, in California the judiciary are acting to rectify the situation ...

Teacher Forced To Resign For 'Sharing' Material Critical Of Obama And His Beloved Muslim Terrorists
The supporters of the wannabe King of the American Empire like to describe themselves as 'liberal', 'progressive', and left wing. If they were really any of those things they would not be as fanatically committed to the idea of suppressing free speech as they are.

US Presidents Of The Past warned Against Secret, Shadow Government. By now it should be obvious that peacemake, joybringer and putative aquatic pedestrian Barack Hussein Obama was never really in charge of the US Government. Whatever Obama said would happen, all the American government's policies ensured the opposit would happen. The embedded article thows some light on how the US government really works

Google Meets White House Officials Every Week Why?
... Given the close relationship the company has with the Obama administration, an administration which has shown itself to be severely "truth challenged," in its dealings with the public, this is of some concern.

Indiana pizza shop closes after anti-gay marriage comments; donations pour in


An Indiana pizza shop owner’s anti-gay marriage stance is paying off. Online supporters donated more than $33,000 in three hours to Memories Pizza after the pie maker’s controversial pledge not to cater same-sex weddings spawned a wave of criticism.

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