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Gordfellas - Is the Labour Goverment really like Goodfellas (strong language)
Stories coming from Downing Street accusing Labour Prime Miniter of bullying and being tempramentally unstable should worry us all. We know little of what goes on inside the seat of government and what we hear makes it sound like the movie Goodfellas.

Best Of Boggart Blog (8)

A Seasonal Miracle?


by ianrthorpe,
2006-11-30

South African Mr. (got that, Mr.) Charles Sibindana has been fined ZA$140 for making a fraudulent claim for sick pay. Mr. Sibindana submitted a certificate from his wife's gynaecologist to back up his claim that he took a week's sick leave because he was pregnant.

Now in my book that beats virgin birth by a distance.

RELATED POSTS:
Christmas Menu

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A Couple of Smiles Before It Gets Even More Painful

by ianrthorpe,
2006-11-29

Almost at the end of a month of bad and sad news; Iraq, Afghanistan, the Financial Markets, the environment and the death of Desert Orchid being just a few topics, its nice to hear something jolly.

So I enjoyed the story of the Surrey lady who while visiting the North East went into a hairdressers in Newcastle and asked "Could you do me a perm please."

"Why aye pet," came the reply, "I wandered lernley as a clerd..."

All in all its like the story of the northerner who took holy orders and was appointed vicar of an Anglican parish in Surrey. When he arrived at his church the verger said "I'm sorry about the state of the place, we have a problem with the myrrh." "The myrrh?" said the new vicar, "I didn't know you were high church."

"We're not," the verger said, "but what has that to do with cutting the grass?"

RELATED POSTS:
Comedy Main Menu
Poetry Menu

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Killjoy's Christmas Decorations

by ianrthorpe,
2006-11-28
Following on from last weeks revelations in Machiavelli blog about the Health and Safety Executive's plan to make sure all trees with the potential to fall over in high winds are properly managed with public safety the foremost consideration we bring you more news of Health and Safety fascism from the uber - jobsworths of Tower Hamlets Borough Council.

Last year these halfwit bureaucrats earned ridicule for banning all Merry Christmas type messages lest they offend the delicate sensibilities on non - Christians.

This year, with the complicity of Health and Safety Inspectors they have banned all wall and ceiling mounted decorations in all council premises because staff could be seriously injured while putting them up.

RELATED POSTS:
Christmas Menu
Authoritarian Box Ticking
Health And Safety Halloween

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"Jesus Is Not The Messiah"

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-27

The problem with protesters in other countries is they do not have a British sense of humour (to be fair neither do the police in other countries - and they tend to be a tad trigger happy into the bargain)

On last night's news I saw a shot of a protest against the visit of Pope Benedict to Turkey.

A woman in traditional muslim dress which made her look for all the world like Terry Jones in a famous scene in "The Life of Brian" brandished a placard that read "Jesus is not The Messiah, he is a Prophet of Islam."

"Oh why aren't you English dear," I thought. Had she been she might have had the wit to replace "he is a Prophet of Islam" with the words "he's a very naughty boy."

SCENE FROM LIFE OF BRIAN:
CROWD (in chorus) we want to see Brian, he is the Messiah.
T. Jones (as a woman): He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy.

I include that for the benefit of the very young or those who have led sheltered lives and have not yet seen the funniest film ever made.

RELATED POSTS:
Comedy Menu
Baby Bible Basher
Blair's Faith Foundation
They Prayed Him Straight

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Who Put That Gobshite On Television?

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-26

There's a wonderful scene in an episode of Father Ted where Dougal appears on T.V.

This arouses Father Jack from his drunken stupor. "Who put that gobshite on television?" he roars, hurling an empty whiskey bottle at the TV.

I have a similar moment every week when a certain contestant in X - Factor appears on screen. Its the one who is getting the "Granny" vote. Guess who (and I meant that most sincerely, friends.)

Meanwhile as Simon Cowell eliminated the most talented (the only talented?) contestant again I say GO PROCLAIMERS TRIBUTE BAND!

Oh I would vote five hundred times
if the voting lines were free,
yes I would vote five hundred times
to see Simon Cowell's misery...

RELATED POSTS:
X Factor Ship Of Dead Dreams
X Factor - The Bird Is The Word

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We Need Another Crackdown - suggestions please

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-25

Are Wee Johnny Reid's leadership ambitions distracting him from doing his job as Home Secretary? It must be all of a week since he announced a crackdown.

It is not so long ago the tartan terrier was announcing a dozen new crackdowns a day. There were crackdowns on anti social behaviour, binge drinking, illegal immigrants, truancy, exploding orange juice, obesity, beards, staying up late, harmless nutters, bullies, Clare Short, paedophiles, silly hats and the wrong kind of shite.

Then suddenly silence.

There are only two possibilities, that Dr. Reid is preoccupied with more important business or he has run out of things to crack down on.

Either way, to get wee Johnny back on the rails may we suggest crackdowns on the the following:

Farting in lifts,
Christmas albums,
Christmas books,
Christmas special offers
, Christmas,
Russell Brand,
Celebrity chefs,
Celebrities,
Delusional folk who go off to the jungle thinking they are celebrities,
Delusional folk who come back still unaware that everybody hates them, Panto Boy on the X - factor,
Peter Kay,
Spin.

Any suggestions you wish to add to the list will be forwarded to The Home Office.

RELATED POSTS: Comedy and Humour Menu
Politics and Economy Menu
Populisty Authoritarianism
The Politics Of Fear And Panic

Oo-er Missis, its the Tree Hugging Cannibals

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-23

In last night's episode of Torchwood (yes, I like Torchwood, after a dodgy first episode it has me suspending disbelief with great enthusiasm) the story was set around a remote farm in the Brecon Beacons. The tree - hugging locals had a very quaint tradition. Every ten years they would round up strangers in the area and eat them (shades if I'm the only cannibal in the village there I thought.) When the Torchwood statutory pretty girl asked the chief cannibal why they did this he replied "because it makes me happy." A chilling reminder there that among all the humandroids, shapeshifters, pan dimensional fart creatures and orgasm - eating aliens that pass through Cardiff's rip in the time - space continuum, good old human evil still has a lot to answer for.

Well that was how I saw it last night...

In this morning's paper I read that the nation's most famous tree hugger, Prince Charles, has just bought a run down farm in the Brecon Beacons.

Oo-er missis, is that coincidence or are sinister forces at work here?

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Alien Life In California
Life On Mars
Turd Nine From Outer Space
More Life On Mars
Alien In My Bed (MP3 audio)
Comedy, Humour Menu

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Blair's Super Nanny State

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-21

In an article for the Currant Bun Tony Blair announced the launch of The Super Nanny State.

As part of a crackdown on anti social behaviour teams of Super Nanny State Stormtroopers will swoop on areas where "poor parenting" is rife. "Poor parenting", according to Blair, is the cause of anti social behaviour and does incalculable harm to children.

People found guilty of "poor parenting" will be sent on parenting courses, to be run we guess by Ruth Kelly and a newly appointed parenting Csar rumoured to be Cilla from Coronation Street.

But, you might well ask, is the problem "poor parenting" or simply parenting? Boggart Blog thinks people with children should forget about parenting and go back to being Mums and Dads.

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Dolphins Don't Drink

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-20

You learn something every day. Yesterday, tucked up in bed with my cold and daytime TV I learned that Dolphins don't drink. Not "don't drink" in the sense of avoiding alcohol but don't drink full stop.

There are various theories as to why. Some zoologists say it is because aquatic mammals get their fluids from what they eat while others contend that as their kidneys cannot process sea water evolution has adapted them to get by without taking in water. While high on industrial strength lem-sips I have one of those moments of insight we get when our brains are addled. Dolphins don't drink because flippers are useless for holding a cup, glass or bottle.

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Government Warning - Trees Can Damage Your Health

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-19

URGENT HEALTH WARNING FROM H.M. GOVERNMENT - Standing under or near tress can seriously damage your health and lead may kill.

Our old friends at the Health and Safety Executive featured in our last blog (BTW apologies to readers who were expecting this post yesterday, there's a nasty bug going round the nether world and your favourite Boggart needed to take a sickie) when we highlighted Bozza Johnson's rantings at the ludicrous nannying of this bunch of hard - hatted, toetector - wearing fascists who seem intent on eliminating any kind of risk from our lives by making us prisoners of rules and regulations.

Now Boggart Blog pick up the standard itself and leads the resistance against the mindless bureaucracy of the clipboard wielding killjoys. Two years ago in Dunham Massey Park, Cheshire, a family were enjoying a winter outing in woodland of the 250 year old plantation when a freak gust of wind caused a Beech to fall. In falling the tree brought down its neighbour which, tragically, killed an eight year old boy.

It was an accident and nobody tried to pretend otherwise. Al least until The Health and Safety Executive got wind of it. As far as the Hard - Hatted, toetector wearing clipboard wielding box tickers are concerned there is no such thing as an act of God, there are only failures of management. If enough boxes had been ticked that freak gust of wind could have been managed.

The HSE Inspectorate demanded that the police arrest the park manager for criminal negligence.

A year later the police dropped the case due to lack of evidence. Presumably all the witnesses, being trees, declined to be interviewed. But the clipboard wielders could not accept a healthy tree simply falling down as healthy trees do from time to time.

The hard - hatted toetector wearers (who, we imagine, all have those anally retentive moustaches that are never allowed to grow more than a quarter of an inch long) were determined that in order to prevent any future tree - related incidents they would ensure procedures were put in place to identify any trees posing a danger to public safety because of their likelihood of falling over in high winds. Also the HSE are determined that the owners of potentially unstable trees are aware of their duty to manage woodland properly.

Whether this results in the National Trust having to cut down all the millions of trees under their management or in those tracts of ancient woodland the weirdie beardies have fought so long and hard to protect from building firms being destroyed because of public safety issues remains to be seen.

If this all seems a bit over the top to you, remember the motto of the HSE is "You Can't Be Too Paranoid.

Here is a facsimilie of a leaflet you will shortly be receiving through the post which details the HSE's advice for tree safety. Never go near trees when it is windy or it may become windy while you are there.

Do not let your dog worry trees, remember a frightened tree is a dangerous tree.

Do not try to feed trees, they may bite.

Do not catch trees or encourage them to follow you home, they make very bad domestic pets.

Always view trees from a safe distance, they can fall surprisingly quickly.

Do not consume fruit or nuts near trees. Seeing their offspring being eaten alive can upset them.

and finally
Always be wary of leaving the safety of your home to look for fun. Fun is dangerous and should be left to properly trained experts with adequate safety equipment.

Safety first second and third, fun nowhere,

The Health and Safety Executive.

Saving Lives Is A Risky Business say Heath and Safety Executive

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Bozza's Tree Crusade

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-17

I was snooping around the Blog of Bozza (or Boris Johnson M.P or Bo - Jo to his fans) the other day. You might think this strange behaviour for an unrepentant old Liberal like me, but I always find Bozza good value). On that occasion I enjoyed his fulminations against the Health and Safety Executive (H.S.E.)

"There are now 3621 pages of Health and Safety legislation, that's 76* times the length of War and Peace" the Blonde One thundered, ending with the question that mustn't be on everyone's lips "is this good for the country?"

Well it is certainly not good for trees. Which is perhaps why the arboreal population of this sceptred isle is coming in for some attention from the HSE which is worried about the safety risks posed by uncontrolled trees.

But we will be returning to that issue tomorrow.

*probably an exaggeration. If it was my blog it would be for comic effect but as its Bozza we're talking about, who knows?

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Pissed as a Moose

by ianrthorpe
@ 2006-11-14

I am always interested to get news from Sweden, having worked in that delighgtful country for a while. The trouble is Sweden is too nice, no terrorists want to blow things up, there is no religious right tarring and feathering people for having fun and even the corporations display a praiseworthy degree os social responsibility. In other words there just isn't enough news in Sweden. Which makes little gems like this more enjoyable.

The Goteborgs - Posten newspaper has been reporting stoeies concerning a moose that is terrorising the city's children. The local police chief blames apples. It turns out the moose is eating windfall apples which have fermented naturally to produce an alcoholic subsatance similar to the Scrumpy Cider know to all who have visited the English West Country (and particularly those who frequent jazz festivals in that part of the world.)

"We are dealing with an ELK - o - holic here," a spokesperson for the police department said (allegedly.)

Drunken Elk In The Orchard

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Cornish Pasty Wars

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-13

There be grumblings down in the west country, ooh - arrr. They ig'rant Dev'ners is trying to say they'm inventing t' Corrrrnish Pasty an' Corrrrnwall stoleded it of'n un."

The controversy arises from a discovery made in the audit book of a 16th century Devonian housekeeper who had written on one of the pages her recipe for pasties.

The first written record of a Cornish pasty dates from 1746.

The important word here is "written." As Terry Pratchett says, "never take any notice of things written down on paper. A thing cannot be of the least importance if somebody had time to write it down." Quite. Empirical evidence is needed and over in Cornwall they claim the recipe for pasties has been handed down through the oral tradition since 8000 B.C.

Nobody knows the true origins of pastry of course and therefore we can be certain of nothing, but I am with Cornwall on this one. And furthermore I am willing to testify that in Motorway services restaurants on many occasions I have eaten 10,000 year old pasties.

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I Just Met A Girl Named Maria

. by ianrthorpe
2006-11-12

From time to time something happens that makes me feel I am once more young and attractive to the opposite sex. I have the internet to thank for this. Such an instance was the e-mail I received this week from Maria. She wrote:

"Hello Mr. Torp. I am dark hair Russian, age 26, attractive professional lady and working in marketing structure selling cosmetic (ooh that accent sends chills up and down my spine.).I read your details on world wide web and find you interesting, attractive man (Isn't she wonderful?) I am intelligent, mature woman who is ready for creating family with good man. (ah - erm, creating family? As in making babies? She obviously didn't read the bit about the vasectomy...) Even if this is not your searching for in the future it would be fine if we can meet and do friendship (friendship, bugger! I thought I'd scored) or maybe do more than just friendship (I have scored!)

Mail me,
yours with love and many kisses, (now hang on girl, we haven't been properly introduced)
Maria.

Needless to say I'm all of a flutter wondering does she have green eyes and those classic Russian cheekbones, is her accent really that cute and will the overdraft stretch to an hour of her time or just a quickie?

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The Wages Of Sin

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-10

British Christian Fundamentalist minister George Hargreaves is known for his hard - line position on most issues concerning sex and drugs and rock & roll. His views on abortion, contraception (the only acceptable method it seems is the one where the woman holds a pocket bible between her knees) , stem cell research and same - sex partnerships are pretty much what you would expect from a founder member of an organisation called Christian Voice.

And George is a very active campaigner on all these issues.

But it has not always been so. In the 1980s George wrote a song that was a world wide hit for Sinitta and has since become a gay anthem in clubs on every continent. Here is a sample of the lyric:

So macho,
he's gotta be so macho,
gotta be big and strong,
enough to turn me on.

Well I suppose its OK to dance to the song so long as you don't act on its advice.

Nice though to see the wages of sin, estimated at Ł10,000 a year, providing us with such a wonderful iron.

Now I have a link to a searchable Bible somewhere, let's see what it says about hypocrisy.

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And I though it was just my wife

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-09

British women aged over 40 own an average of 19 pairs of shooes but it is not uncommon to have more than 100. Woman and Home polled more than 1,500 women over 40 on their attitudes and found that handbags are also popular, with 11 being the average. Some women said they owned more than 200 and a third said they lied about the cost of their shopping sprees.

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Stupid Crtminal Of The Week: Shrink wrapped criminal

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-07

A Bosnian burglar escaped from jail in Austria by having himself shrink-wrapped in plastic and taken out with parts for street lamps hade by inmates. The lorry driver noticed a rip in one of his pallets soon after leaving the jail, but Muradif H, 36, show was serving a seven-year term in Graz, had fled. He remains at large.

I hope he didn't need a wee while he was in the wrapping. The only way I can ever get stuff out of shrink wrapping is by stabbing the stuff with a knife or screwdriver.

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The Buzz About The X Factor

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-05

On last saturday's X - Factor show Sharon Osbourne criticised the prettiest and most talented girl singer remaining, saying the sound of her vibrato had ruined her performance.

I had to agree with La Donna O. Back when I was staging rock concerts I always used to remind female performers to switch their vibratos off before they wen't onstage. The Microphones can pick up the buzz.

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Who Makes All The Pies?

by ianrthorpe
2006-11-03

During environment question time yesterday, amid all the weighty queries about global warming, deforestation, drought, famine etc. Mary Creagh, MP for Wakefield, demanded that the Minister congratulate a butcher in her constituency for willing the Large Pork Pie category at the Great Yorkshire Pie Show as this, apparently, is the world cup of pie making.

Nice to see they have their pieorities (sorry, couldn't resist) sorted in Yorkshire

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Proud To Be Pissed - A New Year Message for readers. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-31 – 17:03:32

Boggart Blog's New Year Message to our readers is "be proud of your heritage, get bladdered."

Despite repeated Government warnings of the health hazards of binge drinking which suggest it is a recent phemonnonomonxxx phnemnioxxxxx pfemonionxxxxx trend (sorry we've had a couple in the editorial office)binge drinking is a longstanding British tradition.

Hazel Blears who is minister for saying very silly things issued a statement to the effect that the British are not ready to adopt continental drinking patterns.

Too Bloody Right we're not. We enjoy getting rat - arsed. The Roman historian Tacitus, writing in the first century AD said, "The Britons have a tendency when feasting to drink ale or wine until they fall into a stupor." Julius Caesar had first noted the trend a hundred years earlier. "They are formidable fighters but unreliable due to their habit of drinking heavily before battle," he noted.

So forget the shame attached to drunkenness, that is just an invention of the nanny state. Let's welcome the New Year by proclaiming to the world that we the British people are Proud To Be Pissed.

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,
Its Just Criminal by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-29 – 16:49:09

There's bugger all happens between Christmas and New Year so its time to dig out the old Armitasge Shanks joke book (in my days as an occasional stand up I was Armitage Shanks, The Man Who Puts The BIZ in Showbiz,) and try to raise a smile.

Over the holiday theives broke into a greenhouse at Kew Gardens and stole many rare trees and shubs. Earlier today police arrested two men who were driving in a truck loaded with exotic vegitation.

A the men denied involvement in the theft and said the evidence was planted.

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A Bizarre Story From Derby by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-28 – 17:20:11 Derbyshire County Council have ordered their webmasters to use content filtering to prevent the Ramblers' Association Derby Dales Group web page being accessed from library internet cafes in the county.

The Derby ramblers' web content falls within the county councils' definition of a sex website the press release reveals.

No surprise then that Derby ramblers "love to go a - wandering along the mountain track" then but just what the hell does rambling involve in the Derby Dales we wonder?

I must ask Mike St. Mark if he has experienced any interesting variations from the norm while walking in the Peak district.

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Christmas is Bollocks by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-27 – 17:54:06

Its over! What a relief!

Don't you hate Christmas? Oh come on, be honest. Don't call me Scrooge. Christmas is bollocks. Christmas things are bollocks. Christmas specials on tele are bollocks. Christmas food is bollocks. Everything about the whole over-hyped, over commercialised, overadvertised, overcelebrated mess of modern excess is bollocks. Food. Nuts? Why do we buy nuts in their shells at Christmas? The rest of the year we (those of us who like to eat healthy anyway) get nice convenient ...

CLICK HERE To read all Christmas Is Bollocks

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Belated Greetings by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-26 – 16:52:09 Boggart Blog took unscheduled downtime a couple of days before the offiocial break started. This was due to (1) visitors, (2) server problems and (3) a totally silly wild adventure in Christmas shopping...

"oh yeah love, I'll be fine walking the half mile back to the car through this hilly town, you just whack the shopping in my wheelchair." (well I couldn't let Teri do the trip twice.

Now half a mile is a tad over my limit even on level ground. I made the trip but with several large back muscles totally wrecked and needing a few days.

Still, if you can't do something idiotic at this time of year when can you do something idiotic?

Belated seasons greetings to all regular readers and visitors.

Back tomorrow.

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A blog post about sweeet FA by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-22 – 17:29:41

Nice to see the Freedom Association* getting involved in the London mayoral election campaign with an attack on Ken Livingstone's anti - semitism. The appearance of a new political body promotiong libertarian values is always welcome.

Unfortunately their chance of winning any seats on the London Assembly are as described on their logo. F.A.

*I am assuming this F.A. is nothing to do with the 1970s F.A. a group of Express, Mail and Telegraph readers that campaigned for freedoms such as the right to enslave unmarried mothers and the right to put black babies in casseroles.

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A quick roundup by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-21 – 18:26:38

Boggart Blog has always prided itself on bringing you the news that is not worth reading from around the world: here is a roundup of the last few days...

Starting In Sweden

After enduring years of ridicule, the inhabitants of the Swedish village of Fjuckby have handed in an application to Swedish authorities to have the hamlet's name changed to Fjukeby.

Meanwhile in the USA

Border patrol officers found a four foot long alligator in a suitcase during a routine traffic stop in south-west Arizona. Lloyd Easterling, a spokesman, said it was discovered when agents detained a driver in Yuma after drug sniffing dogs singled out the car where the case was. Marijuana was also found.

...its the art of it that matters in France...

Pierre Herme, the so-called 'Picasso of patisserie' won the annual award presented by the newspaper Le Figaro for the best croissant in Paris. He said the test of a perfect croissant should be more than how it tasted, looked or smelt.

"The noise of the croissant is also very important," he said. "I can almost hear them shout when people tear them apart."

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The Durex List by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-20 – 17:29:21

Every year the makers of Durex condoms conduct a worldwide survey of sexual behaviour in adults. One of the facts this reveals is the average number of partners per person by nationality.

Out of idle curiosity I looked at the list and.... (blushes) I've been a very naughty boy.

Here are a selection of national scores:

Turkey - 14.5
Australia - 13.3
Italy - 11.8
Switzerland - 11.1
U.S.A. - 10.7 (Not top? that will shut them right up!)
Japan - 10.2
U.K. - 9.8
Austria - 9.7
France - 8.1
Singapore - 7.2
Surprisingly China and India are way down the list with 3.1 and 3.0 respectively. Makes you wonder how there are so many of them.

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Posh Spice becoming an Alien? Strange but possibly true. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-19 – 19:58:11

If you have seen recent pictures of Victoria Beckham nee Posh Spice you may have thought there was something not quite human about them.

Well you could be right. The whisper over at Salon.com is that with the help of the ArchThetan Tom Cruise (4'6"), Professional celebrity Posh is to become an alien bride.

Well that should give us more entertainment than her singing ever has.

Read it for yourself here

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Pissed As A Camel by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-17 – 18:07:58

Staff at an Irish riding school had to postpone a Christmas party after Gus the camel chomped his way through 200 mince pies and several cans of Guinness meant for their festivities. Gus, starring in the riding school's Santa's Magical Animal Kingdon show, filled up while staff were changing for their party.

Camels store liquids in their humps of course.

Which means there is a camel with a hump full of guinness on the loose in Ireland.

I don't give much for his chances of making it through the next two weeks.

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AIDS Message Rammed Home by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-16 – 17:20:19

Now it is very naughty and not at all politically correct to make fun of serious subjects. But has that ever stopped Boggart Blog before?

Right!

So it would be remiss of us not to comment on the World Health Organisation's report on the spread of AIDS in Africa. Now the WHO is a very serious body that does not deal in puns, double entendres and smutty jokes.

So when the report of findings that male circumcision reduces the chances of contracting HIV infection by 50%, a document of considerable gravitas, who the hell decided the launch presentation would be given by Mr. Kevin de Cock.

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Those Whom The Gods Would Destroy... #1 by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-15 – 17:20:55

Those whom the gods would destroy they first make ridiculous. Dare we hope then that the forces of natural justice have something spectacularly nasty planned for the Labour politicians who have surpassed in arrogance the last days of John Major's tory government. Because events atre certainly making the dark lords of the New Labour project look a right bunch of twats.

Let us all rejoice then at the news that in this season of merriment an official Labour Party DVD containing Blair's last speech to conference as leader and a film record of Labour's years in office titled Labour Achievement Film (interesting acronym there BTW) has been reduced to Ł5 per copy to clear stocks.

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Golden Globes by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-14 – 17:20:49

A headline on teletext informed me Helen Mirren is nominated for "three globes."

Now I can't see why she needs three, I remember from when she was an up and coming young actress the two very attractive ones she grew herself.

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Boggart Abroad by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-13 – 17:54:49

Read this at Huffington Post yesterday.

Not surprisingly, the Bush administration is already backing away from most of the 79 proposals put forth by the Iraq Study Group. But while Bush isn't ready to follow the group's recommendations, he's ready to adopt its slogan, "New Way Forward." The president may not be into things like facts, truth, or reality, but he loves a good slogan. Of course, that's been the problem during this entire fiasco -- the substitution of rhetoric for policy -- the belief, even at this late date, that reality can be changed simply by changing the language used to describe it. Bush makes a big show of his religious faith, but what's truly impressive is his incredible faith in the power of PR, and, accordingly, his lack of faith in the American people. I think the slogan is a missed opportunity. As we know Bush and Blair are desperately seeking a way to get out without losing face could we suggest the new slogan be amended to read Backwards is the new way forward.

While we're on American military matters we also read while blogging abroad yeaterday that an independant watchdog has revealed senior US officers are coercing soldiers into converting fundamentalist christianity.

People who refuse to be "born again" are left in no doubt their careers will hit a dead end.

This is good news for the anti war movement. The fubnies are so paranoid that all the Afghans and Iraqis will have to do is dress in halloween costumes and the Americans will think the Devil has come to get them and run away.

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Farewell Augusto - you inspired so many by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-12 – 17:32:27

New Labour Blogger Bob Piper yesterday made a jibe at the "warm tributes" being paid to Pinochet and recalled that the Blessed Maggie's was best buddies with the dead dictator.

Our best buddy Little Nicky Machiavelli commented:

Yeah, Thatcher being best buddies with a murdering tyrant was a terrible disgrace to this country. A bit like Blair being best buddies with the tyrant, torturer and war criminal Bush, the tyrant Gaddafi and the limb amputating vagina mutilators of the Saudi Royal House

.

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A Very Boggart Christmas. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-11 – 17:26:29

Working for Jenny Greenteeth has its perks. Boggarts such as Jenny live outside the normal time / space continuum and can move events around at random. So yesterday we celebrated our family Christmas.

The reason for this eccentric behaviour is that Darling Daughter is off to France to work as a sports masseur & physiotherapist through the not skiing season (no snow in France this year it seems)

It has been a hectic few days since Gabby twice arrived on the saner side of the Pennines bringing all her stuff from the apartment she has just vacated. David is also in residence having rendered himself homeless. Disregarding parental warnings he took up a tenancy in which rent books and contracts did not figure - and naturally landed back in the parental home several months ago.

Now I neither know nor want to know what kind of altered consciousness my offspring inhabit but they both seem unaware that it is six years since we moved from the TARDIS-like Thorpe Towers (an elegant old terrace with attic and cellar) to a bijou and compact three bedroomed bungalow. Things are a bit cramped to say the least.

But its amazing what good dining stools David's professional speakers make.

And that is why we took a Christmas break early. You see he's booked solid over the holiday and we would have nowhere to sit

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The New Redneck Sport - Animal Throwing by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-09 – 18:28:57

You may not have heard of the sport of pig throwing yet but I predict it is going to be the next big thing, surpassing pie - eating, dwarf - bowling and even cesspit snorkelling in popularity.

In West Point Mississippi a man named Kevin Pugh has become the first to be convicted of pig throwing. Pugh was fined $249 for throwing a pig at a hotel receptionist. Its a strange amount to be fined but I suppose it was the maximum $150 for assaulting the receptionist but only $124 for throwing a pig as the creature only weighed 60 pounds. It is not clear why Pugh threw a pig at the victim. Hotel receptionists are usually polite and helpful but occasional mutants have been mistaken for members of genus Jobsworth due to their infuriating refusal to listen to reason.

Any fault on the part of the receptionist involved in the case seems unlikely however as the Pugh pig-throw was one of a spate of check-shirt-wearing-pickup-truck-driving-lard-arse related animal throwing incidents in the West Point area that night.

A police spokesman said, "It must be some new redneck thing because no similar incidents have ever been reported before.

Pugh has pleaded not guilty to a further charge of throwing a possum at fast food restaurant counter hand.

On grounds of diminished responsibility we assume.

The psychiatric report will make interesting reading.

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Bono GetsThe Clap by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-08 – 17:53:04

Don't we all love it when the most pompous celebrities get their come uppance.

I heard a wonderful story yesterday, it happened a whiole ago so maybe some of you already know of it.

During a gig in Glasgow Saint Bono stood frontstage, held up his hands for silence and then started clapping slowly.

"Do you realise," he said, "every time I clap my hands a child dies in Africa.

And from the audience a Glaswegian voice called out "well stop fucking clapping Jimmy."

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Farts of Mass Destruction by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-07 – 16:05:22

A story picked up from Yahoo News yesterday makes us wonder if the Turrrists and People of Evelyn Tent are getting more subtle and cunning or if the security forces are getting more stupid and paranoid.

An Aircraft bound for Dallas on a U,S. internal flight was forced to land in Nashville when passengers complained of the smell of burning sulphur. The authorities immediately went on teror alert

Later a woman admitted to FBI agents she had struck several matches to conceal the stink of her rancid farts.

Were this a serious blog we might well ask how, when it is impossible to get a bottle of springwater on a 'plane Mrs Fartybottom managed to sneak matches past airport security.

Instead we will simply promise never ever to use the phrase "about as dangerous as a smelly fart" in an ironic way again.

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Reality Withdrawal by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-04 – 17:23:59

Now that Celebrity-Strictly-Come-Dancing-Out-Of-The-Jungle-To-Love-Island is almost finished its increasingly surreal - yes, surreal; think Peter Schmichel dancing the Tango, Robbie from East Enders actually being popular, Jan Leeming deluding herself she is a sex bomb and Smiley Smiley Carol Smillie almost looking sexy (not to mention Myleen's boobies) - and the altered state of Christmas still three weeks away how will we ever cope.

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Blair Style Apology by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-03 – 16:58:51

I want to say I'm very very sorry, not for slavery or the Irish Potato Famine, Blair has already done them; not even for The Dissolution of the Monatries or for Santa Claus The Movie even, although all of these were terrible crimes against humanity. No, I have to apologise for something much worse.

Last week, in commenting on The X - Factor I said The MacDonald Bros. were a Proclaimers Tribute Band.

Well to prove me wrong last night they showed their versatility by covering Shang - A - Lang by the Bay City Rollers, complete with a tartan-scarf-waving section in the audience. I have to say it wasn't half bad (not 'arf - farewell Fluff, thanks for all the music.) If fact its sounded just like...

....................
..........................
..................................
..........................................
..................................
...........................
.....................

it would if The Proclaimers sang it.

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Jelly Fish dish takes the biscuit. by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-02 – 18:24:37

Japan is beseiged by two metre wide, four hundred pound alien jelly fish (OK, I lied about the alien bit.)

But in a twist worthy of Tim Burton's sci - fi spoof movie Mars Attacks in which the seemingly indestructibe aliens explode when Slim Whitman's record of Indian Love Call is played, the fearless and brilliant students of Obama Fisheries High School in Fukui Province (sorry, no pronunciation guide available) have developed a technique for making the giant invertibrates into biscuits (or cookies if you are American.)

A Japanese food writer comments "the biscuits have a superbly textured sweetness nicely complemented by the bitter, salty taste normally associated with jellyfish.

Yeah, right.

I think I'll stick with my Hob Nobs

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The Man With The Pollonium Gun by ianrthorpe @ 2006-12-01 – 17:37:20

The murdered Russian Spy story rumbles on and the trail of suspicion which has pointed to a London Hotel, a Sushi bar, The Kremlin and Muswell Hill now shifts once more. A new figure has emerged in the form of Professor Scaramella of Naples.

Professor who? Somebody is having a laugh. Was this new twist by any chance reported by a correspondent named Ffion Lemming? And is the Professor a bald, weasel faced man who carries a Persian cat everywhere and rides round in a nuclear powered wheelchair that shoots jets of scalding hot minestrone soup at enemies.

I think the only way this case will ever be solved is if, for information leading to the capture of the criminals a substantial reward is offered.

ONE MILLION DOLLARS ought to do the trick

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BBC Comedy

BBC Comedy Blog
Updated : Tue, 28 Aug 2012 09:53:42 +0000

BBC Set For Festival Fringe at Edinburgh 2012

We're going back to the Fringe!

This summer, we'll pick up from where we left off last year when all our Fringe action came together under one roof. Expect even more performances and shows from across our site on TV, on radio and online.

We're going extra mile at the Fringe this year, hosting an overnight Comedy Marathon. BBC Three will start an epic overnight journey with a specially billed, anarchic eight hour show which will go out live on the Red Button from 9pm till 5am and forms part of the London 2012 Festival.

Our tented festival village opens on Friday, 3rd August and doesn't come down until the early hours of Monday 27th August, with over a 100 shows under its belt.

Last year, our venue enjoyed hosting shows from across the BBC. Where else in Edinburgh could you have found Ricky Gervais, Mark Lawson, Sarah Millican and David Hasselhoff on the same stage? (OK, not necessarily at the same time) - in case this all passed you by, here's a video of last year's highlights:

In order to see this content you need to have both Javascript enabled and Flash installed. Visit BBC Webwise for full instructions. If you're reading via RSS, you'll need to visit the blog to access this content.

There is so much going on across the month, make sure you don't miss anything by following @BBCEdFest on twitter and via www.facebook.com/BBCEdFest

Free tickets for all of the on-site events, performances and Masterclasses are available from BBC Tickets from Thursday, May 31. Apply now to make sure you don't miss out!

What's On?

BBC Radio 1's Scott Mills and Nick Grimshaw will be returning to present their spectacular Fun and Filth Cabaret, also part of the London 2012 Festival. And BBC Comedy Presents is back, showcasing the best of the Fringe with nightly shows.

Festival-goers can come together and marvel at our new big screen which will be showing the best of the Olympics live.

Radio 4 bring a host of listener favourites to the Fringe; David Mitchell will be dropping in to host The Unbelievable Truth, Nicholas Parsons and Paul Merton will rock up for Just a Minute, as will Clive Anderson for Loose Ends. Jim Naughtie is with us for a special Fringe edition of Today, and Rory Bremner's in town to host Tonight.

More Radio 4 recordings from the festival include Comic Fringes, with short stories created by popular comedians. Also, Front Row, The Horne Section, The Philosopher's Arms, Wondermentalist Cabaret, plus a new food panel show making its debut at the Fringe - The Kitchen Cabinet presented by Jay Rayner.

As well its regular stable of Edinburgh shows of MacAulay & Co and the Festival Café and in recent years Off the Ball - BBC Radio Scotland will be taking more stalwarts East including Vic Galloway and Jazz House, and as he did in 2011, to acclaim, Christopher Brookmyre will be combining comedy and books in a specially recorded series.

Radio 3 will broadcast In Tune live from Edinburgh with Sean Rafferty and Verity Sharp presenting two editions of Late Junction with live music and special features.

Radio 2's Steve Wright Show - with Patrick Kielty at the helm - will broadcast from the festival. Patrick's also hosting the Edinburgh heat of the Radio 2 New Comedy Award. And Penny Smith returns with The Radio 2 Arts Show.

There is also a chance for you to see Richard Bacon present his BBC 5live shows from the BBC venue at the Edinburgh Festival on August 22nd and 23rd with celebrity guests.

BBC coverage goes beyond the Fringe. The diversity of the Edinburgh festivals will be reflected across a range of output, including BBC Two's The Culture Show with Sue Perkins and The Review Show with Kirsty Wark. And as broadcast partner of the Edinburgh International Festival, Radio 3 will broadcast 18 live and pre-recorded concerts from the Festival.

There will be a host of other live music acts across the month, featuring special performances from world loop-station champion, Shlomo, as well as up-and-coming live music acts showcased by Vic Galloway and the BBC Introducing... team in Scotland. There will also be lots exciting things to do for families with young children.

Key events at the BBC@Potterrow are included in the Edinburgh Festival Fringe brochure, but further details of additional events including Masterclasses and Workshops will be announced in due course.


Publ.Date : Thu, 31 May 2012 16:55:00 +0000

Feed My Funny Exclusives

Last month YouTube celebrated its 7th birthday. Hulu, the largest legal TV streaming service in the US, will be 5 in August (It's four months older than iPlayer). There's been much talk in the US recently about online video "growing up". Google's decision to foster partnerships with content producers, starting with its YouTube Partner Program, has now seen the launch of premium video channels. At a presentation to advertisers in May, US comedian Chris Hardwick, who runs YouTube's popular Nerdist channel, summed up Google's intentions best: "The web will be to cable TV what cable TV was to broadcast".

Google though is not an isolated case, and other online platforms are taking it further. Both Hulu & Netflix have commissioned exclusive web series including political sitcom "Battleground", a new reality show from Morgan Spurlock, and a series of documentaries from the acclaimed director Richard Linklater. US online video services are for a wide variety of reasons evolving, but what's still unknown, and so exciting, is what effect the continual growth of this video market will have on Television.

This is contextually interesting, and relevant to the BBC, because today we published seven brand new comedy shows online. Of course that happens regularly on the iPlayer, but these shows have never been on television; they were commissioned for bbc.co.uk. Promoted by BBC Three as Feed My Funny Exclusives, and championed by controller Zai Bennett as a chance to find "the next Gavin and Stacey or Little Britain", they throw up exciting possibilities for comedy, a genre where traditionally you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the next Prince or Princess, like Mrs Brown.

Dawson Bros. Funtime

New talent, new formats and new scripts can be developed at relatively low cost in relation to TV production and put in front of an audience. Architecturally, the Feed My Funny Exclusives, use the same templates as TV shows, working within bbc.co.uk/programmes, utilising iBroadcast, and they can appear in IPlayer. But the differences are what makes this so exciting going forward. These shows don't need to be 28 minutes long, they cost less to make than most TV comedy and they are at that intersection between technology and storytelling Ralph Rivera described a few months ago.

How many of this year's Feed My Funny Exclusives will go to full TV series remains to be seen. What we do know is that when more are commissioned later this year, we can ask some interesting questions. For example, what would data driven comedy look like? After all, Yahoo, who now commission web series, make programming choices driven by data. After tracking the torrent of clicks that news stories about wedding engagements routinely get they commissioned a reality web show "The Ultimate Proposal".

Could we create a personalised comedy akin to the Tipp-Ex Bear on YouTube using bbc programme pages? Or create live comedy driven entirely from social media feeds? Technology is changing what we can do with comedy but all that really matters is how funny the end product is. So I will leave you to judge and comment on what's been produced for the first series of Feed My Funny exclusives, but I would like to point out that without this project we would never have been able to unveil the latest revolution in equine technology. It keeps you up to date with news for horses, surf websites for horses, and connect with friends, who are horses.

Feed My Funny Exclusives

Will Saunders is an executive producer within BBC Comedy.


Publ.Date : Mon, 02 Jul 2012 19:00:00 +0000

Radio 4's Beauty Olonga

Jocelyn Jee Esien as Beauty Olonga

Radio 4's comedy, Beauty of Britain, is about a woman called Beauty Olonga, who works as a carer and sees herself as an inspiration to other young African women in Britain. Here she tells us more about her show.

"One of the people in charge at Radio 4 asked me to tell you about my new series. She said she would do it herself only she's not very good at 'writing-ey type stuff' and she's got a wedding to go to.

"I could tell she was important because she had a little fold-up bicycle and she only goes into the office two days a week. Since coming to this country to work as a carer, I have learnt to recognise how much power someone has by how small their bike is, how long their holidays are and how much extra work they ask you to do for nothing.

"The British also expect you to compliment them on their sense of humour - like when those elderly gentlemen sang about 'My generation' on TV the other night. But I've noticed that although they like to laugh they don't want to make eye contact. I think that's why Radio 4 is such an important part of their culture.

"A lot of the elderly people I look after have a machine on the bedside table that suddenly starts playing Radio 4 at 6.15 in the morning while, at the same time, squirting them with steam and boiling tea - that fantastic sense of humour again!

"Radio 4 normally starts the day with three hours of high-status men shouting at each other. Sometimes you can hear the velcro tearing on their cycling anklets when they get really worked up. Most of my clients like to shout back at the radio, especially when a man called Gary Richardson is on. The elderly women I look after tend to get very annoyed when Kirsty Young starts talking. Personally I can't see anything to complain about with Kirsty - okay, she lost her professionalism when Morrissey was her guest but I've seen a photo of her in Asda Shopper magazine and she is the only Radio 4 presenter who takes the trouble to do her highlights properly.

"If you are an African girl working as a carer you will pick up plenty of top tips from my new series; from how to upstyle your tabard to slow-cooking carrots overnight to getting your clients seen by NHS professionals who are so young they can't write out a prescription without sticking their tongues out and moving their lips. I'd been living here for nearly two years before I learned the key to dealing with registrars is patience and understanding. Young doctors are very overworked so it doesn't help to criticise them for not knowing how to dress for their shape and for only visiting the barbers once every six months.

"But I hope there will be something useful for everyone who listens to my show. And let's face it that means all of you because how many Radio 4 listeners actually go in to work on a Friday? Exactly."

Beauty of Britain goes out on Radio 4 Friday mornings at 11.30am.

Dictated from the vintage section of the PDSA shop to Christopher Douglas and Nicola Sanderson


Publ.Date : Tue, 28 Aug 2012 09:53:42 +0000

New Jason Byrne Sitcom 'Father Figure'

 

BBC One has commissioned a pilot of Father Figure, a new sitcom created, written by and starring the stand-up comedian Jason Byrne, to go into production early next year.

Jason Byrne plays married father Tom. He tries to be the best dad he can to his two sons, but bad luck and his extended family are always upsetting his plans. Jason will be accompanied by Pauline McLynn (Father Ted), Michael Smiley (Luther) and Dermot Crowley (Bleak House).

Jason said "It's been a big dream of mine and I'd never have thought I would get the chance to join the ranks of the television sitcom world. The characters all come from real life and the outrageous situations Tom gets into have, more often than not, actually happened to me. The people in my life will never realise that it's them I'm writing about, unless my wife and two sons, mother, father and best mate ever watch it."


Publ.Date : Thu, 09 Aug 2012 07:00:00 +0000

Episode Zero & The Mice

Roger and Val Have Just Got In returned to our screens on Wednesday 8th February. Beth Kilcoyne co-wrote the show with her sister Emma, and stopped by to talk to us series two:

Beginning to write a second series of Roger & Val was like trying to get a swing-boat started: hard, which is why the man on the swing-boats gives you a push and you catch the rhythm with the rope. But there was no one outside: just me & Emma, not swinging, with 2 ropes. We began. It's a series about distraction: what do you do to get through? We decided to look at Roger being at home all day and focus his neurosis on the washing: "Val? I've got that stain out of your purple blouse" one unmemorable line I remember, as the Tribunal was pointedly ignored. We wrote and wrote, hour after hour, and got to the end, where the stain had come out of the blouse, but, hanging up to dry like a headless person, it gave Val a shock.

It was awful. Dreary. Dull. The characters didn't even sound like Roger & Val; they sounded like people doing an imitation of Roger & Val. I tried to be hopeful it had "just come out wrong", excusing myself with the fact that you can't CUT in R&V, and I'd forgotten the difficulty. But the next draft was even worse; they were now sounding labored, eg. Roger droning on that mozzarella cheese in a packet feels like a ganglion. Over-thought, turgid, flat-footed drivel, leading up to Val's decision to actually apply for the Deputy Headship and Roger opening his Tribunal mail. I couldn't understand why all of a sudden the show said nothing, apart from Roger thought the dirty clothes is an ideal environment for growing mushrooms.

At about this time my house got infested with mice; I saw one in the bathroom, which next day got caught in a trap, so I was hopeful it had been acting alone. No one would believe this if you put it in a script, but the day we handed in the first draft about the washing, I opened my own washer. There was a... thing on the rubber rim. All its fur had been hideously washed off but the tail was still on, grey, shiny, dead but for once clean, tufts of black fur skidded round it and no doubt in among my clothes, which I couldn't throw out because they were all my best ones. Aaaurrgh - visceral - on me. I didn't dare look for its eyes. I retched, and started hopping from foot to foot, stating the obvious but in a weird chant: "There is a mouse in the washer, mouse in the washer, a MOUSE!" to which my partner unwisely replied, "What's the matter? It's dead."

We really now had taken far too much time on this now-laboured Episode 1. On its final night I went to get fish & chips, in panic. When I sat down to eat, there was an alive mouse at the bottom of the stairs. It didn't even bother to run away and I didn't bother to react, because I knew what it had come to tell me: the script was awful. I just sat there, fish and chips slopping out of my exhausted, not-screaming mouth: rock bottom.

We started Episode 2 the next day, when Dave the fantastic Mouseman called to say he had solved the problem. This script wrote like a dream - zinging out from all over the place, free and alive, both characters wholly themselves, ideas toppling over each other to get in, and Val got shortlisted for the interview. Plus we introduced the over-arching story. "What a pity this can't be Episode 1 instead of that boring one about the washing" said my Mum. Of course, it was Episode 1; we had been writing Episode 0 - the characters before we got them going again. So I am grateful to that awful script now, dreadful as it was, because it was the push outside the swing-boat for Series 2. And I never saw a mouse again.


Publ.Date : Tue, 14 Feb 2012 13:30:00 +0000


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Updated : Wed, 20 Aug 2014 13:25:34 +0000

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New malaria vaccine doesn’t work most of the time, but manufacturer says it’s good enough to sell
Once again we turn our attention to vaccines and the criminality of the drug companies that manufacture and sell them:
There's a good chance that the vast majority of people who receive it won't derive any benefits whatsoever. But that isn't stopping British drug giant GlaxoSmithKline (GSK) from seeking regulatory approval for a new vaccine for malaria, known as RTS,S, that a recent study determined is only about 30 percent effective at preventing severe cases of the disease, which has no recognized cure.

Germany Is Building a European Army Before Your Eyes
The Dutch army is made up of three brigades, plus support staff and Special Forces. On June 12, one of those brigades, the 11th Airmobile, officially joined the German army.
This was the first time ever that European country has handed part of its army over to another country. “Never before has a state renounced this elementary and integral part of its sovereignty,” wrote Die Welt’s political editor Thorsten Jungholt.
“The hour has come, finally, for concrete steps towards a European Army.” — Chairman of the German Parlaiment’s Defence Committee Hans-Peter Bartels ...

Leaked Document Exposes One Sidedness Of Corporate-Friendly Trade Deal
A leaked document reveals the extent to which the Canada Europe Trade Agreement (CETA), a template for the much bigger and therefore more threatening to freedom and democratic rule Trans Atlantic Trade and Investment partnership (TTIP), will give Corporate businesses dominion over sovereign nation's elected asdsemblies and law courts. It's time we took up pitchforks and cudgels to march on London ...

Islamic State Threatens UK Says Cameron. Have We Heard Anything Similar Before
According to our Prime Minister, The West is engaged in a generational struggle against Islamic extremism that will threaten Britain unless urgent action is taken to defeat it, David Cameron warns today. (I told you those Tornado jet fighter planes were not in Iraq to drop bulk supplies of rice you beseiged Yazidis.)

Huge North Sea oil find enough to produce for over thirty five years. Media silence

First borken by the Blogosphere, this story which should be the biggest in British news media by now, is just being picked up by the mainstream. When will some newspaper or TV news editor be brave enough to run it we wonder? The story:

An oil field, described as one of the biggest untapped resources in the North Sea, is set to produce oil until 2050, it has emerged.

New GMO Approval Will Go Ahead Despite Public Outcry.

Corporate monopoly men and control freak politicians, aided by their Dr. Death scientists are determined to force genetically modified (GM) foods on an very sceptical public. If there was any truth in the claims that GM crops can feed the world and are safe, the public would not be sceptical, but the genetically engineered organisms now being developed are modified to be resistant to highly toxic chemicals to which humans and animals have no resistance.

Is It Lack Of Diversity That Makes Lefties Stupid?
Quite a while ago now I wrote a post titled "Is It Lack Of Diversity That Drives Left wing Hate?" It contained these lines: There's an old joke; Q: "Why do teenagers only listen to other teenagers?" A: "Because they're stupid." - Q: "Why are teenagers stupid?" A: Because they only listen to other teenagers." Substitute leftie, liberal, radical or progressive for teenager and that just about sums up the political 'left'

"Anti-Putin" Alliance Fraying: Germany, Slovakia, Greece, Czech Republic Urge End To Russian Sanctions
When I posted a blog yesterday, Game and set to Putin (it wasn't quite match) which commented on how while Russia has shrugged off the American and EU sanctions, European farmers were being hit hard by Russia's retaliatory ban on foodstuff from the EU, Mike St. Mark replied that while the Russian leader was running rings round the USA, EU and Ukraine, he didn't think it was quite game and set at that point. It is now ...

The U.S. is bombing Iraq isn’t for humanitarian reasons
The involvement of Britain’s Royal Air Force in delivering humanitarian aid in Iraq t has triggered speculations that the UK, may join the US in launching targeted air strikes against the Islamic State. The RAF Tornados deployed Tornado are two seat fighter planes capable of low level s supersonic flight but not idea for delivering large payloads of bagged rice or bottled water. They could be useful for dropping medicines however. Though British military leaders were insistent that the aircraft would only be used in Iraq as part of humanitarian operations, the choice of Tornados ... More

Game And Set To Putin - Sanctions Hit EU Economies
Do you remember how the lefties cheered just a short while ago when in retaliation for Russia not obliging the warmongers of the military / industrial complex by starting World War Three in response to numerous provocations. They praised ...

Will new clean energy process make coal the fuel of the future
Coal, you exclaim, throwing up your hands in horror, the stuff that covered buildings of industrial towns in black soot, the stuff that choked miners lungs and sent millions of people to early graves? Coal the filthiest fuel ever? How can you say it is clean? Well a new technology recently announced might change your mind. Unless you are a windmill worshipping Warmageddonist of course.

Such Nice People Live On The Left Of The Political Spectrum
Left wing politics, once the politics of freedom, individualism and self - determination has increasingly over the past few decades become the politics of hate, envy, bitterness, hypocrisy and authoritarianism. Left wing politics has now developed a level of intolerance for those who challenge its idiotic assumptions or moral superiority, it appears to be charging headlong towards fascism.

Independent Scientists Demolish The Lies About GMOs And The Safety Of Glyphosate
The GMO battle goes on, one one side the corporate funded, government backed, global government supporting science lobby, on the other the part of the biological research community that still believes in hostesty, integrity and objectivity. This article reports a conference at which independent scientists (i.e. those not funded by biotech corporations) expose the lies and corruption behind claims that GM crops are safe. Say no to GMO.

Britain’s maths policy simply doesn’t add up - but neither does overestimating the importance of maths.
As an engineer, mathematics has been an important part of my career but I have always been aware that it is a tool. In the past there have been many attempts to develop a 'philosophy of everything' base on mathematical speculations that took maths into areas it was never designed to go, areas of human thought and enquiry that rightly belong to philosophers. This talk of mathematicians being creative jarrs with me somewhat, inventors, engineers, designers are creative. Mathematics is just part of our tool kit.

Genetically Modified Truth? How Corpoate Money Corrupted Science.
Little Nicky is sceptical about many things, it's in my job description. Incidentally, for the benefit of those over qualified, under educated idiots who think I'm right wing extremist, it is a basic tenet of Liberal philosophy that we all have a duty to question that which is presented as an established truth.

How Fundamentalists Of Materialism Hijacked Science.
Yet again we find ourselves making a stand against the fascism of mainstream science. The nerds are getting stroppy and trying to suppress ideas they don't like again (Nobody expects The Science Inquisition) Thing is of course, if their ideas were half as good as they claim, the alternative being proposed would not look so convincing.

The Return Of The Twopenny Upright
That erudite commentator on business and economics and Cappo di Tutti Cappi, Tony Soprano once said to one of his sidekicks, "In any recession which businesses are least affected? Prostitution, gambling and organised crime." Our political leaders, in Britain, Europe and the USA may be telling us the recession is over and recovery is surging ahead but ... Why Does The US Government Hold A Patent On The Ebola Virus? Just Askin'
The outbreak of Ebola fever in west Africa has been making headlines since January this year, but as usual we are only being told half the story by mainstream media. It took a lot of digging by myself and colleagues in the blogosphere to dig up this pile of dirt which suggests the "new strain" of Ebola faver that has killed far more people than previous outbreaks may have resulted from attempts to weaponise the virus. And guess which national government is allegedly responsible.

Secrets And Lies And Oil In Scottish Referendum Cover Up
As the referendum in which Scotland will vote for or against independence from the United Kingdom approaches rumours are rife that news of a massive oil find near the shetanad Isles is being suppressed. Such news would guarentee scotland;s financial stability and could be a game changer in the unpredictable vote. But the UK government will not want to let that oil slip between their fingers.

Astrophysicist Declares GMOs Safe - Is Demolished By A Biologist.
The GMO battle goes on, one one side the corporate funded, government backed, global government supporting science lobby, on the other the part of the biological research community that still believes in hostesty, integrity and objectivity, supported by the masses of ordinary punters who support common sense solutions and whose suspicion of big money science is based on its track record of disaster, catastrophe and unforeseen consequences. Say no to GMO.

Shock; horror. Human Barbie Doll has her own opinions
The human Barbie girl Valeria Lukyanova has become something of an online phenomenon and is regarded as a sex symbol by many young men of the kind who have more computers than friends. Personally I find her apearance bizarre and about as sexually alluring as cold porridge. Still each to there own, where would we be without diversity of opinion.

We Will Raise The Flag Of Allah In The White House Say ISIS Leaders
The Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) or Islamic State for short has a nice line in chutzpah, which seems a very Jewish quality for Islamists. Their leaders have issued a video via Vice media which warns the United States that ...

Suppression Of News Used To Influence Scottish Referendum Vote?
Now, in order to avoid being accused of trying to influence the outcome of the Scottish Referendum (because I don't believe in telling the scots how to run their affairs any more than I approve of telling Arabs, Afghans and Ukrainians how their countries should be run) I offer for your consideration this news leaved via Oil and Gas People.

As Obama launches another airborne assault in Iraq, who are ISIS
I have been consistently against western (FUKUS axis) interventions in domestic politics of middle eastern states. There comes a time however when intervention is necessary. Thus we must accept the necessity of the USA's latest military adventure, the reconvening of the war in Iraq.So why have I had a change of heart at this stage?

EU Boss Argues That Their Work With Banks And Corporate Interests Should Be Concealed From The Public.
Shills for global government and corporate fascism are always quick to shout 'conspiracy theorist' when anybody questions things like the EU federalisation project, the Trans Atlantic Trade and Investment Partnership (TTIP) and the Trans Pacific Trade Partnership (TPP) The obvious response is to ask why representatives of supra national bureaucracies are so desperate to ensure progress on these peojects is shrounded in secrecy?

The Real Reason The US Is Bombing Iraq
Only a day after Obama’s announcement that he had authorized “targeted strikes” inside Iraq in order to combat the Islamic State (IS) advance, the United States has indeed followed through with their threat. At least two waves of airstrikes against a variety of targets have already taken place inside Iraq. One of the airstrikes apparently struck an IS mortar position and an IS convoy near Erbil. IS fighters had advanced to within a half hour’s distance from Erbil, the capital of Iraq’s Kurdish region.

A Message For Nanny State
Nanny State is on the warpath, admonishing finger wagging furiously, lips compressed into a thin line, she is launching another determined effort to make sure we are all too scared to think for ourselves or make our own choices, Nanny is now warning, with the usual threats of early and painful death is we disobey, that we should ...

German Handelsblatt Releases Stunning Anti-West Op-Ed, Asks If West Rabble-Rousers Are On The Payroll Of The KGB
Up until this point in the Obama Administrations attempt to recreate events leading up to World War One, Angela Merkel and German media in general, had been firmly on the side of the west when it comes to dealing with Russia, Putin and realpolitik in broader terms. That changed dramatically today when Gabor Steingart, the chief editor of Handelsblatt, Germany's leading economic newspaper, came out with a stunning op-ed, in German, English and Russian, titled simply that "The West on the wrong path"

MH17: More evidence points to Kiev / Washington False Flag
Last week Little Nicky relayed reports (yes, relayed; in spite of what some authoritarians would have you believe, I don't make this stuff up, it's all reported) accounts of two German aviation experts who testified that their examination of photographs showing wreckage from around the cockpit area of the Malaysia Airlines Boeing 777 shot down over Ukraine were consistent with heavy calibre machine gun fire, which suggested the plane had been shot down by ...

Scots Wha Hae When Wallace Bled - A Boggart's view of Scottish Independence.
The Scottish Independence debate has failed so far to fire passions north of the border. Most Scots seem to be seeking evidence that Scotland will be no worse off as an independent nation, or is and will continue to be better off as part of the UK. Nobody in either London or Edinburgh is able to give a straight answer however. Her's our contribution ...

How Politically Correct Thinking Leads Into A Moral Maze
Being a leftie can be hard work however, with so many of the causes they must embrace being in direct opposition to other favoured causes, lefties encounter a lot of moral dilemmas. So being a believer in all -isms, the kind of idiot who equates calls for immigration controls with South African Apartheid or Stalinist genocide and is quite sure that equality means members of favoured minorities should be given me the privileged status of an elite class, can get hairy at times.

Another Obama Sponsored Genocide - not Alawi or Christians In Syria but Yazidi in Iraq.
While the west has been distracted by events in Gaza and Ukraine, and the neo - fascist 'left' have suddenly discovered the joys of anti Russianism and anti Semitism, the FUKUS axis sponsored genocidists of ISIS have discovered another inoffensive minority to exterminate now that the Syriac Christians have fled.

Neo - fascist Left's Idiotic Obsession With Racism Becoming More Insane
I don't know how many of you have noticed but the wailing and gnashing of teeth from the politically correct left over imaginary racism has become fr moire irrational and hysterical since the success of UKIP the the European Parliament elections back in May. The latest entirely innocent thing to be the target of racism accusations from the insane left is BBC Radio's sedate gardening programme Gardeners World. How have the cucumers and compost brigade upset the loony left?

Fear and Panic and Ebola Fever
The latest attempt to justify war has been the shooting down of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 over Ukraine allegely by pro Russia separatists with support from The Kremlin. So far the 'compelling evidence' the American government claimed to possess has not been revealed but such evidence as has been seen points to another false flag even. Remember the Swine Flu pandemic?They're doing it again with Ebola fever, ramping up the scare factor and trying to spread enough fear and panic to justify suspending democratic rule by pretending this disease could potentially kill most of us.

Afrophilia and the reality of western ambitions in Africa
One of the dogmas of this politically correct cult of knee jerking, lockstep marching, wisdom-of-the-crowd chanting flock of Sheeple is that we must love Africa. Dark skin good, pale skin bad is the mantra. That the sheeple are nothing more than gullible dupes and useful idiots to the faceless men and women who really lead us is shown by the contrast between the mass Afrophilia of the flock and the way the controllers see Africa.

FUKUS axis imposes sanctions, Russian Oligarchs Shrug
So far in the Libyan crisis, the Syria crisis, the Iraq crisis and the Ukraine crisis, Obama and the European leaders have made a lot of noise and imposed a lot of meaningless sanctions (like confiscating the bus passes of retired Russian gengsters living in the west. And the Russians have just quietly got on with doing what they were doing.

What are US biowar researchers doing in the Ebola zone?
What are US biowar researchers doing in the Ebola zone? That is a question being asked around the cyberosphere as the Ebola outbreak in Africa continues to spread and alarm grows in the western nations. The Tulane University researchers [and colleagues] in the US biowarfare research community, have been operating in West Africa for some time. What exactly have they been doing? Exactly what diagnostic tests have they been performing on citizens of Sierra Leone?

Mass Immigration Means Failing Hospitals, Schools And Overcrowded Cities
Another shock for the left as think tank Civitas reports that mass immigration causes enormous social and economic problems while the 'benefits' to society the left bang on about are very marginal. The left's real agenda of course is the genocide of the fair skinned races. As most of these stupid lefties are white Europeans or Americans this is a perfect illustation of how stupid and self important they are, How does that old joke go about turkeys voting for Christmas?

Pandemonium: UKIP Taken Over By Fiends From Hell?
UKIP are at risk of being engulfed in another "ism" scandal as Jake Baynes, prospective parliamentary candidate for Wells has resigned his candiacy and party offices, claiming the constituency party has been taken over by "Occultists"

Ukraine Government Fires Missiles At Rebel Held Targets Leaders in Washington, London, Paris and Brussels continue to pump out the propaganda against Russia as they try to provoke a war over the alleged shooting down of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17 over Ukraine by separatist rebels supported by Russia. But in spite of claims by Obama and Kerry that the US have evidence that proves it was the rebels wot done it, the more evidence we see, the more likely it looks that the Ukrain government in Kiew was responsible.

America's GDP Surges 4% in Quarter 2 - Jonathan Creek Shows How The Trick Is Done
This morning the US Bureau of Economic Analysis, an agency of the Commerce department revealed Q2 GDP statistics which blew made nonesense of estimates, showing year on year growth for the second quarter at 4.0%. This was explained as the result of a surge in Inventories and Fixed Investment, while exports added only 1.23% to the GDP number. The full breakdown by component is shown below.

Why Do The 'Progressive Left' Support Those Who Use Rape As A Weapon Of War
Rape as a weapon of war and genocide is not a pleasant subject but it is one that needs to be raise, like the issue of Female Genital Mutilation. Why visit such unpleasant topics? To expose the hypocrisy of the modern political left who have more in common with Hitler's Nazis, Mussolini's Fascist or Stalin's brutal Soviet regime that the supporters of traditional left wing values of individual freedom, free speech and equality before the law.

Why Do The 'Progressive Left' Support Those Who Use Rape As A Weapon Of War

Rape as a weapon of war and genocide is not a pleasant subject but it is one that needs to be raise, like the issue of Female Genital Mutilation. Why visit such unpleasant topics? To expose the hypocrisy of the modern political left who have more in common with Hitler's Nazis, Mussolini's Fascist or Stalin's brutal Soviet regime ...

FUKUS axis imposes sanctions, Russian Oligarchs Shrug
You have probably read a torrent of arse dribble in mainstream media about "Russia is becoming increasingly isolated" It's a meme that political leaders in the FUKUS axis, EU and NATO would like us to believe. It isn't quite the whole story however.

Sensational Break From Official Lies - German Aviation Expert Says MH17 Brought Down By Air To Air Missile
The shooting down of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 over Ukraine has triggered a war of words between the USA / FUKUS axis and Russia as President Obama, without any clear evidence to support him, tried to blame Russia and use the outrage to justify a military intervention in Ukraine that would certainly start a major global conflict. So far Russia has stood its ground but refused to be provoked as evidence like that below has undermined the western narrative.

US wants WWIII because its big banks are insolvent: Henderson
An American author and columnist says the United States wants to start a third world war because most of its big banks are insolvent.
Dean Henderson with the Veterans Today made the remarks in a phone interview with Press TV on Monday as he commented on recent remarks made by White House Deputy National Security Advisor for Strategic Communications Ben Rhodes who said ...

Germany Axes Canada-EU Trade Agreement, This Will End TTIP Stitch Up Too
We are winning. Well today we are at least. News broke over the weekend that Germany intends to junk the Canada Europe Trade Agreement (CETA), a template for the much bigger and therefore more threatening to freedom and democratic rule Trans Atlantic Trade and Investment partnership (TTIP). So it looks as though the shockwave of the European Parlianment elections has awoken politicians to the anger of voters throughout Europe with the dicatatorial attitude of the EU.

Who shot down MH17? Black Box Data Reveals Nothing We Did Not Know
As the political and media war over responsibility for the shooting down of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 continues, here's a chance to view a report put together by the BBC Russia news channel (In Russian with English subtitles). Strangely the Beeb have taken this report offline now. Make what you will of that. The video shows the handling of the Black Box flight recorders, which

Smart Homes Reveal User Behavior, Prone to Hacks:
Our Internet-driven world filled with interconnected smart gadgets and computing applications is making us vulnerable to potentially life-changing hacks and tracking. Not only are modern cars open to being hacked, but also boats, planes, and GPS-driven weapons.

Now Things Are Starting To Make Sense
It is now known that the uprising in Ukraine early this year that saw the elected government, which was cooperating far too well with Russia for the liking of the western powers overthrown and replaced by a US and EU sponsored gaggle of gangsters, thugs and neo - fascists whose task was to

Funny How A Few Days Good Weather Brings The Warmageddonists Out
Over the past few scorching hot days I have seen several members of the alomst defunct Warmageddonist society plugging their tired, discredited old "science" and trying to claim that mathematics proves that what is observably not happening is actually happening but only scientists are clever enough to understand that ... Hmm, is that so?

Military Veterans Opinion: Probably A Bomb That Took Down MH-17!
Funny how the left present themselves as the politics of peace and unity but are all out in support of Barack Obama's latest warmongering campaign in Ukraine following the downing of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17. I suppose the pacifists enthusiasm for World War Three proves George Orwell was right when he said War is Peace.

America's Dumbest Move Yet: Hijacking A Foreign Bank
The financial markets seem to be getting more volatile, with share prices and currency values fluctuating wildly on the slightest indication of good or bad news. But when central banks start hijacking other banks on the basis of very flimsy evidence from a pariah state, we should befinding somewhere safer for our money

UK Government Report Confirms Huge Abuse of EU Free Movement Rules
After scream of 'racists' and 'bigots' from the left when common sense users pointed out that mass immigration does not benefit the economy, nor is it fair to the people shiioped here having been promised a utopian existence only to find they are living in foul conditions, doing menial jobs, and being paid under minimum wage and exploited by unscrupulous bosses. , a report by civil servants confirms that the 'right wing extremists' was absolutely correct.

Malaysian Government and Opposition Call For MH17 Justice – Evidence Suggests Foul Play
Thanks to the sleazy political opportunism of Barack Hussein Obama and his bum boy David Cameron the tragedy of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 has been turned into a circus as the outrageous accusations (based on zero evidence, the USA told reporters to look on Facebook if they wanted proof the Ukrain pro Russia separatists did it) have spawned increasingly crazy conspiracy theories.

Poor white pupils put off school by multicultural timetable
Education, should it be about learning to read, write, spell and calculate? Or should it be about feminism, gay rights, black history and 'gender awareness' whatever that is? For many years we have had multiculturalism and politically correct thinking rammed doiwn pupils throats but noe a study by a local education department suggests this obsession with politicallly corret diversity is responsible for the failure of white working class pupils.

Israel maybe guilty of war crimes – UN Human Rights Chief(This could be the understatement of the millennium)
Israel maybe committing war crimes in Gaza, the UN High Commissioner for Human Rights says. Speaking in Geneva, Navi Pillay said house demolitions and the killing of children raise the "strong possibility" that Israel is violating international law. Opening an emergency debate at the UN Human Rights Council in Geneva, she citied cases of Israeli air strikes and shelling hitting ...

Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17 - Nothing is ever what it seems to be
Nothing is ever what it seems to be, I learned that doing top level consultancy contracts for government departments. Deception is the name of the game. So what of Flight MH17, certainly the plane was shot down and our sympathies are with the families of the dead. But the game of finger pointing that followed was not about justice but political opportunism. And by playing a waiting game the Russsians are winning again.

US State Dept. Annoyed at Press Questioning MH17 Narrative Spokeswoman Angrily Refers Press to Social Media for 'Proof'
The Obama Administration continues to reiterate its narrative on what happened to Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 with more certainty (and often different details) every day, but there is a stark lack of evidence, beyond a handful of “authenticity could not be verified” images floating around on social media. With Russia denying the allegations, the US must have some really damning evidence to be so certain, right? Just so, insists the State Department, just don’t ask them to show any of it.

Obama Goes Full - On Nazi: with Europe, and it’s headlined on July 18th, “US Accused of Forcing EU to Accept Tar Sands Oil Trade
The secret negotiations around the 'New World Order' free trade treaties, TPP and TTIP that will strip democratically elected governments of sovereign power lumber on. There are positive signs however that the world is waking up to the neo Nazi nature of these sleazy so - called trade treaties cooked up by the Obama Andministration and some of the biggest and most evil corporate businesses in the world.

Diversity' Does Not Mean Quotas. Why Do The Left Have To Rewrite The Dictionary.
One might think, given the amount of screaming and shouting about diversity we hear from the left, they might take a little time to find out what it really means and stop applying their superficial and shallow meaning to it. The left however are hupocrites which is why they can claim to have a monopoly on truth and goodness while embracing the tactics of fascism in silencing opposition. Thus they have no problem reducing 'diversity' to a question of skin colour or sexual preference while insisting only one shade of opinion is acceptable.

What The Media Is Not Writing About Flight MH17
Only hours after the tragic downing of Malaysian Airlines flight MH17 over eastern Ukraine, Western politicians, led by the dickhead in chief Barack Hussein Obama were jumping up and down screaming "It was Russia wot done it." The sycophants in mainstream media were quick to join in, stating that ...

Whatever War Crimes Obama Accuses Russia Of You Can Bet America Has done It First.

World policitical leaders and media sycophants are lining up to condemn Russia for the dowing on Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17 over Ukraine. Here are a few snippets from our coverage: