Rebellion is the function of the young. Take the sixties for instance, not that I remember those years of course. The hippy movement and the campaign for nuclear disarmament. Digging up cricket pitches, having love - ins, drunk on sweet cider, drunk on life. Perhaps the ideas people had back then were very good in principle and so the governing fascists were actually scared of a bunch of peace loving hippies in sandals brandishing josticks and threating stunts like levitating the Pentagon (which was a brilliant idea but not amusing in the slightest. Who needs a flying Pentagon for fuck's sake? A bunch of witches or something. I mean, trying to levitate London's phallic-shaped Canary Wharf and ramming it through the Arc de Triomphe would be a hilarious proposal and much more of a statement. Besides, no one likes Canary Wharf and the French just love a bit of visual innuendo. Marcel Marceau and all that shit.

1. Tell everybody. Fifteen hundred people and a 500kw sound system in a dormitory or small suburban house is perfectly feasible. Anyway student accom. is always in shithole areas so nobody will complain about the noise, they'll just assume its another riot.
2. Get you and your friends into serious drinking and a few beginners drugs, nothing big, just some hash cakes and maybe a bit of LSD in the lemonade. Don’t pretend you don’t know where to score it from. The guy in the Helly Hansen Bubble Jacket with the ray - bans who always sits in the darkest corner of the pub/bar/nightclub can sort you out.

3. Start to drink deadly cocktails in pint glasses. For example, why not try White Lightning cider (11% by vol) mixed with Carlsberg Special Brew (9% by vol) and a very large shot of Peach Schnapps; Snakebites with double whiskey chasers or a cocktail of Swedish Aquavit mixed with Aquavit and more Aquavit. Aquavit tastes like rocket fuel but is stronger. No wonder Swedish cars are unwreckable, when it comes to getting wrecked nothing can compete with their drinks. A few of these and you're 100% guaranteed to shag senseless (which you definitley will be after what you’ve just drank), the most undesirable person at a party who, was it not for your condition would remain a virgin. Or if there is a lack of undesireable people to have sex with just move onto student special Tequila Slammers as the evening wears on. Drink a half pint of Tequila (Gold) without removing the glass from your mouth and then slam yourself face first into the floor. Now that's living.

4. Party games were always a favourite but in the words of the barman at Bar Mitzvah, a really hot club in Ibiza "it is time to put aside childish things and get more sofist .... sophfist..... soffitist....grow up." To be an unfettered soul you need to get more risque than other people. Once you are all in full a party mode, i.e. well on the way to being alchoholics and drug addicts, you will need to find ways of getting people off with their objects of desire (its a good idea at this stage to make sure you remembered to put the cat out.) If you are all straight lads at the party the absence of women of any kind, including inflatables suggests you must be a sports team or dungeons & dragons club and therefore should not be reading this you sad, sub - masonic wankers. At mixed parties why not suggest a game of nude Twister, everyone loves it with clothes on so just think of the screams of joy/fear that will engulf the participants when they are all writhing naked on a plastic sheet, arses in the air. The enjoyment factor for this could be increased tenfold if you appoint yourself referee and impose a penalty on the first bloke to get an erection, like tying him to a lamp-post in the town centre or something. Girls should be extra vigilant when playing this. Always take a pill before you play as you never know when some guy's cannon will go off. Another good one is what we at HEADBUTT like to call Virtual GBH. All you need for this is a few crash helmets with pix of Lara Croft stuck to the inside of the visors and a load of empty beer bottles. Put on the crash helmets and smash bottles over each others heads thus recreating an authentic bar-room brawl without actually getting hurt, Not very good for scoring with the opposite sex but it might be one for all you Fantasy Role-Play people to think about. Finally you could always play spin the bottle, with positively embarassing forfeits like if the bottle points at a bloke then they have to have sex with the next person the bottle points to though why anyone waits for bottle to give them the OK is beyond me, no wonder the world is in a state of economic collapse).

4. So your party is now in full swing, and you want to wake up the following afternoon believing you got laid or at least believing that everybody else thinks you got laid. As mentioned in the previous paragraph you could try party games, if this fails to force you together with a desirable member of the opposite sex however, you need to put plan B into action and use your irresistable charm to get them to your bedroom.

Boys: Remember,you are not Richard Gere or Brad Pitt. You are most likely an acne-ridden, nerd in Bill Gates glasses who uses chat up lines like " Have you got a light for my cigarette?" or "I'm a physiotherapist and when I saw you across the room I wanted to feel every bone in your body, including mine!". It probably takes you an hour to pluck up enough courage to say this shite in which time you drink yourself into oblivion and what you actually say is "Yooouuu yibble blargle wi maaahh shaaggaggle, sweetie?". What you should do if you are serious about getting laid or are a total wuss and want to cop out of entering the choking on your own vomit competition is not drink quite as much as usual. This is really a cop out because all the girls will be totally bladdered by the end of the evening too and you will end up being the only sober person at the party and become a social outcast; the Billy No - Mates who only gets invites so there will be somebody still capable of calling the paramedics at the end of the evening.