edits the Youth page.
Your Right To Party
11 June 2009
The status of student has always carried a responsibility to behave irresponsibly, get up the noses of honest, upright citizens and generally cling by one's fingernails to the freedoms of childhood while indulging unrestrainedly in pleasures normally reserved for adults. Several of the pieces in Carl Orff's famous Carmina Burania suite (cool classics containing the music from The Omen that always plays when the Devil is about to off somebody) are based on Medieval Drinking Songs sung by students. Similarly, many well known English folk songs are based on bawdy chants of students contemplating what they would like to do to the serving wench when she bent to pick up coins thrown on the floor. We will not go up that road, although some of the students probably did. For centuries in the towns of Oxford and Cambridge students have been responsible for seventy - five per cent of the street brawls and even more of the illigitimate births. But now those days are gone and students are not so self assured. The burden of expectation that weighs us all down lies particularly heavily on those in whom parents and state have invested heavily. On top of that a degree is now essential to get a job washing up in a fast food restaurant (first or 2.1 in Hotel and Catering Management) or driving a bus (must have a degree in travel services) and students already under enormous pressure to achieve also have to pay for their tuition by selling their bodies. Failure at this stage could blight their entire lives but in the quest for a decent degree young people are forgetting how to enjoy themselves. Our Youth Editor and long serving party animal herMann (39) offers some advice on remedying this.
herMann asks us to point out that the tattoo of Irish crooner Daniel O' Donnell now on his neck but originally, several facelifts ago, on his upper arm does not indicate a history as a more conservative person but is a post modern irony directed at lack of invention in the current crop of popular music. The boil on his cheek is actually a nipple - see above.
Your Right To Party by Headbutt Youth Correspondant, herMann
Hi, my name is herMann and I'm an al - no, no that is in the past and I'm taking it one day at a time. The thing is I don't need booze and drugs to enjoy myself any more. I'm still young and the world is my lobster. And anyway I regret nothing (well actually I remember nothing) I'm thirty nine, having my seventeenth gap year, and I still know how to rave. Having been a fully fledged member of "the youth of today" for quite some time now, I am disturbed by the increasing number of young people turning at an early age into boring, ignorant, self-centred old farts, quite content to stick happily to the blueprint of life forced upon them by such media, education and corporate fascism.. Whatever happened to the rebellious, outgoing, anarchic youth that spoke out against the system in days gone by? Ill tell you what happened! They all wimped out, got married, took cosy little office jobs and sold out to the liberal vision of modern stakeholder society. The only stake young people should be interested in is the one they are about to hammer through the government's heart.
Rebellion is the function of the young. Take the sixties for instance, not that I remember those years of course. The hippy movement and the campaign for nuclear disarmament. Digging up cricket pitches, having love - ins, drunk on sweet cider, drunk on life. Perhaps the ideas people had back then were very good in principle and so the governing fascists were actually scared of a bunch of peace loving hippies in sandals brandishing josticks and threating stunts like levitating the Pentagon (which was a brilliant idea but not amusing in the slightest. Who needs a flying Pentagon for fuck's sake? A bunch of witches or something. I mean, trying to levitate London's phallic-shaped Canary Wharf and ramming it through the Arc de Triomphe would be a hilarious proposal and much more of a statement. Besides, no one likes Canary Wharf and the French just love a bit of visual innuendo. Marcel Marceau and all that shit.
Young people today are afraid to enjoy themselves in a way that makes them feel as though theyve broke the rules - broken? broke? oh what the hell? Parties these days are not what Id call parties, more like sitting around a house talking and telling each other your plans for cosy future, how you want to get on the mortgage ladder, how you want to be married by the age of twenty-five and have three children by the time youre thirty etc. The list is endless. Therefore I had to compile this partygoers guide for disempowered youth and budding anarchists, read it then get out there and DO IT. And remember it - er - it is er - well remember something, OK.
Beginners Guide to The House Party.
Your landlords are on holiday for two weeks, so you organize a little soiree for you and your freinds. Youll go crazy, have the best laugh youve had in ages and spend the the next week or so cleaning up the mess and mainlining antibiotics, or so you think! The Truth is your peers are too unimaginative and up themselves to know how to do this and you will all sit there making smalltalk for three hours then everyone leaves and the partys over by midnight. That's OK for schoolies but now you are free, a student, and contractually committed to trash you Halls of Residence / Shared House. You're panicking because having previously been a well behaved kiddiwink you haven't a clue how to start. Well its a good job you checked out the HEADBUTT youth page because were going to tell you.
- Tell everybody. Fifteen hundred people and a 500kw sound system in a dormitory or small suburban house is perfectly feasible. Anyway student accom. is always in shithole areas so nobody will complain about the noise, they'll just assume its another riot.
- Get you and your friends into serious drinking and a few beginners drugs, nothing big, just some hash cakes and maybe a bit of LSD in the lemonade. Dont pretend you dont know where to score it from. The guy in the Helly Hansen Bubble Jacket with the ray - bans who always sits in the darkest corner of the pub/bar/nightclub can sort you out.
3. Start to drink deadly cocktails in pint glasses. For example, why not try White Lightning cider (11% by vol) mixed with Carlsberg Special Brew (9% by vol) and a very large shot of Peach Schnapps; Snakebites with double whiskey chasers or a cocktail of Swedish Aquavit mixed with Aquavit and more Aquavit. Aquavit tastes like rocket fuel but is stronger. No wonder Swedish cars are unwreckable, when it comes to getting wrecked nothing can compete with their drinks. A few of these and you're 100% guaranteed to shag senseless (which you definitley will be after what youve just drank), the most undesirable person at a party who, was it not for your condition would remain a virgin. Or if there is a lack of undesireable people to have sex with just move onto student special Tequila Slammers as the evening wears on. Drink a half pint of Tequila (Gold) without removing the glass from your mouth and then slam yourself face first into the floor. Now that's living.
4. Party games were always a favourite but in the words of the barman at Bar Mitzvah, a really hot club in Ibiza "it is time to put aside childish things and get more
sofist .... sophfist..... soffitist....grow up." To be an unfettered soul you need to get more risque than other people. Once you are all in full a party mode, i.e. well on the way to being alchoholics and drug addicts, you will need to find ways of getting people off with their objects of desire (its a good idea at this stage to make sure you remembered to put the cat out.) If you are all straight lads at the party the absence of women of any kind, including inflatables suggests you must be a sports team or dungeons & dragons club and therefore should not be reading this you sad, sub - masonic wankers. At mixed parties why not suggest a game of nude Twister, everyone loves it with clothes on so just think of the screams of joy/fear that will engulf the participants when they are all writhing naked on a plastic sheet, arses in the air. The enjoyment factor for this could be increased tenfold if you appoint yourself referee and impose a penalty on the first bloke to get an erection, like tying him to a lamp-post in the town centre or something. Girls should be extra vigilant when playing this. Always take a pill before you play as you never know when some guy's cannon will go off. Another good one is what we at HEADBUTT like to call Virtual GBH. All you need for this is a few crash helmets with pix of Lara Croft stuck to the inside of the visors and a load of empty beer bottles. Put on the crash helmets and smash bottles over each others heads thus recreating an authentic bar-room brawl without actually getting hurt, Not very good for scoring with the opposite sex but it might be one for all you Fantasy Role-Play people to think about. Finally you could always play spin the bottle, with positively embarassing forfeits like if the bottle points at a bloke then they have to have sex with the next person the bottle points to though why anyone waits for bottle to give them the OK is beyond me, no wonder the world is in a state of economic collapse).
4. So your party is now in full swing, and you want to wake up the following afternoon believing you got laid or at least believing that everybody else thinks you got laid. As mentioned in the previous paragraph you could try party games, if this fails to force you together with a desirable member of the opposite sex however, you need to put plan B into action and use your irresistable charm to get them to your bedroom.
Boys: Remember,you are not Richard Gere or Brad Pitt. You are most likely an acne-ridden, nerd in Bill Gates glasses who uses chat up lines like " Have you got a light for my cigarette?" or "I'm a physiotherapist and when I saw you across the room I wanted to feel every bone in your body, including mine!". It probably takes you an hour to pluck up enough courage to say this shite in which time you drink yourself into oblivion and what you actually say is "Yooouuu yibble blargle wi maaahh shaaggaggle, sweetie?". What you should do if you are serious about getting laid or are a total wuss and want to cop out of entering the choking on your own vomit competition is not drink quite as much as usual. This is really a cop out because all the girls will be totally bladdered by the end of the evening too and you will end up being the only sober person at the party and become a social outcast; the Billy No - Mates who only gets invites so there will be somebody still capable of calling the paramedics at the end of the evening.
Guaranteed to break the ice at parties
. herM>anns' top ten chatup lines (in reverse order)
10. I've just flown in from Katmandu with two ounces of Afghan up my arse
9. Do you take it up the Gary Glitter? (for US readers this is rhyming slang)
8. You've heard the expression "Come to bed eyes?" In your case "to bed" is spurious
7. Do you make a noise when you fart?
6. I hear tattoos are out and zits are in this year.
5. My Aunt Rose can tell the future by studying the patterns of carrot chunks in spew.
4. We could share a pot noodle and get to know each other
3. If you're looking for committment I'll stick with you like herpes
2. Has anybody told you that melanoma on your back looks like a map of Australia?
1. If I say you have a beautiful body will you FUCK ME NOW please?
Teen Binge Drinking Crisis
Practical Sex Education - Humour
Right To Party - Humour
Surprise, sex does not sell - Humour
Beauty And The Beastly Homo - Satire
Sexual Salvation - Satire
Season Of The Witch
Compulsory Sex Education
Sleeping With Conservatives
Let Us Seek New Journey's Together
Decadent Exam Results Day
Beware Of Dangerous Trees
The Pissed Pensioners Of Harrogate
Skin Up A Toad
Childhood Drinking Put us On The Slippery Slope
Inspirational Old Queen
Rat Arsed Badger
You Live, You Die
E versus J & B
Well We Did Warn You
Decadent Exam Resuts Day
A career in substance abuse
Grow Your Own
Some People Never Learn
NVQ In Retail
God's Little Careers Consultant
MacOlogy: The Science Of Burger Flipping
Obama's Creepy Child Safety Czar
Exam Pass? Computer Says No.
Obama's Watered Down Speech To Schools
Children Revolt Against CCTV In Class
Education Alone Cannot Make People Clever
Is Education Wasted On The Not So Bright
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