Sally Redfern
2009-10-06
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non - commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: education, immigrants, immigration, english, humour, humor, satire
News this week that hands on, off or just slightly singed experiments will no longer be allowed in the classroom. This move is no doubt fully compatible in the eyes of the Politically Correct Thought Police with the government's plans to promote interest in the sciences among secondary school pupils
Although children are now mollycoddled with plastic specs, asbestos gloves, and full body armour during science lessons, practical experiments have been deemed too risky by the Health and Safety elves and perhaps by some members of the teaching profession worried about the litiginous nature of pupils' parents.
Boggartblog CEO, Jenny Greenteeth (pictured above), did a bit of gazing into her pint of Guinness and came up with these predictions.
2009: All PE lessons using "appararus" banned because of the danger in assembling, disassembling and using said equipment. Children could strain muscles, trap fingers, trip and fall in any number of situations involving the use of apparatus.
2010: Outdoor play no longer permitted due to varying weather conditions. Children could catch cold during the winter months, or chills from running round getting hot on cold days. They could slip on ice, drown in puddles, graze themselves on frost, be hit in the eye by a hailstone, get hayfever or other allergies during the summer.
The necessity for children to use and apply frequently sufficiently high factor sun protection cream precludes them from playing outdoors during the summer, late spring and early autumn.
Furthermore children frequently fall over or bump into each other resulting in cuts and bruises to various parts of the body, which teachers and supervisors cannot treat because they are prevented from applying disinfectant, antiseptic or elastoplasts.
2011: A review of the curriculum takes place resulting in the decision not to teach any lessons which may cause offence to ethnic minorities, disabled, homosexuals and religious fanatics.
This effectively means that Literacy, Numeracy, Science, Geography, History, Music, Art, P.E. and R.E. will no longer betaught in schools.
Instead children will watch educational pod casts presented by androgynous, anodyne educational assistants, which will have been screened to ensure their political correctness.
2015: Children not allowed to walk to school because of the danger of paedophiles lurking along the routes taken. Even when accompanied by adults it is still feared that the children may be looked at a bit funny which probably means that the looker should be on the sex offenders register.
2020: Children not allowed to travel to school in any motorised vehicle because of the incidence of accidents involving said vehicles. As schools open and close at the busiest time of the day, trafficwise, it has been decided that parents should not be under any pressure to travel at these times.
2040: Children to be re-classified as slugs as they are now so fat, unfit and incapable of doing anything apart from lie on the sofa flicking through the channels on telly by pushing the extra large buttons on the remote control.
2060: Slugs, formerly known as children, to be banned forthwith as they serve no useful purpose, merely consume large amounts of food, fizzy drinks and probably enough electricity to light a city for a whole year, in just one day.
The original purpose of childen was to ensure the continuation of the species, however as all slugs now die of Type 2 diabetes related chronic conditions before they reach maturity and as all adults can expect longer and longer life spans there seems little point in going through all the trauma in the first place.
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