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Back To Basics by Sir Hector Gobbett - Broadsides
Sir Hector Gobbett Broadsides, Conservative MP for Rawtenborough since 1832 and a great champion of old fashioned values has agreed to write for us in support of a return to traditional convervative values, self determinations and the restoration of traditional British right like Primae Noctis. In this first article he argues for the reten of ritualistic beatings in schools, the death penalty for single mothers and the 95 hour working week for poor people.

Back to Basics - the Gobbett - Broadsides #1
by fatsally
2010-05-06
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: politics, political, work, jobs, convervative, values, class, working, work, education, satire, humour, humor

Back to Basics
by
Sir Hector Gobbett - Broadsides MP (Conservative, Rawtenborough)

As the battle lines are drawn in the fight for the heart and soul (?) of the Conservative party a new front runner has emerged. Sir Hector Gobbitt - Broadsides has been in Parliament since 1832 He is known for a deep commitment to traditional values and opposition to progress of any kind. Also said to favour the return of capital punishment as part of his solution to social issues like crime, unemployment, non payment of parking fines and the problem of single parent families. After a long period in the wilderness occupied only by the baby - eating wing of the conservative movement Broadsides has recently re- emerged as an influential political thinker.

On the Conservative benches in Parliament my colleagues and I, the party that stands for old fasdhioned values, sincerely believe that education is a good thing. So much so in fact that we aim to bring about its return, in a limited way of course, in state schools. Not this touchy - feely stuff that passes for education nowadays; there is quite enough touchy feely stuff in the exclusive private schools favoured by the wealthy, and quite right too. Boys will be boys but let us remember that gender preferences are for the rich. The poor must work hard, be thrifty and concentrate their energy on the redemption of their mortal souls I say. Taxpayers are footing the bill and they have a right to expect value for money.

Victorian values in education, that's what we need. Remedial beatings and ritual humiliation. The problem with modern education is that it teaches aspirations don't y'see. And aspirations are no good to people who have no hope of getting anywhere. I'm always hearing from my constituents that the young have no respect. That, I put it to you, can only be a result of not being taught their place. Forget all this social science gobbledegook, empowerment, equality and such, the class system is very simple really. The function of the upper class is to remind us all of our place. They get drunk, take drugs, catch syphilis, gamble away the family fortune, have homosexual love affairs with married women, and go hunting. And we all respect them because they are upper class and therefore the rules do not apply to them.

The middle class work as managers or in the professions and are respectable because if they start trying to have a good time the whole system collapses. How do the middle class know they are respectable? Well, because the upper class and the working class aren't of course. Now the working class, there's a rum bunch for you. They got along quite well, working long hours for starvation pay, living in vile conditions, catching diseases that left them twisted and misshapen, breeding like rabbits, being miserable and dying until all this socialism and free thinking came along. Now they have washing machines and social workers, but are any of 'em happy? I think not.

In my Grandfather's day, and that isn't so long ago - the Old Queen, God bless him, was taught to expect deference, in Grandfather's day the working class knew their place and were grateful. They knew who they had to thank for misery, rickets, consumption, malnutrition, cholera and all the rest and they knew they had no business being ambitious or wanting equality. And as for education, what business of their was it that Newton invented gravity hmm? If they were hit on the head by an apple it was because they were poor and so deserved the pain for being so presumptuous as to sit under an apple tree without paying the going rate. People knew better than to want something for nothing in those days. In those days the poor were very careful not to go to prison because they could not afford to pay for their food and shelter. Oh yes, the way to solve all this crime is to make sure the people most likely to commit crimes can't afford to be criminals.

Then the socialists came along and started saying there should be equal opportunities and before you can say Consumption they are wanting equal education and public health care, demanding social justice, better housing, paid holidays, a ninety - five hour working week and more. And where has it got them eh? Into therapy, that's where. They're all dysfunctional. How about that hmm? Should have been grateful for misery and malnutrition and they'd have been a lot happier. Didn't hear of anybody being dysfunctional when they had rickets and cholera to think about did you? Lack of gratitude, that's what makes them dysfunctional. So how do we propose to build a better world? Flogging and ritual humiliation that's how. Teach 'em the 3 'R's, Reading, Respect and Retribution. First lesson every morning in the New Educational Order will be groveling, forelock tugging and cap doffing with punishments for those who don't come up to scratch. More than one mistake and they will be stripped naked and made to stand on one leg in a bucket of pease porridge all day. And anybody who is absent or late for register without a note from a doctor, police officer or magistrate will have his legs cut off. How's that for education hmm? That will teach them to know their place and be grateful. Our policies will soon have the country back on its feet.

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