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Suicide Dolphins
Amongst the numbers of missing and unaccounted for in the aftermath of Hurricane Rita are a number of fully armed combat dolphins who are trained to carry out missions behind enemy lines. Such Dolphins are not expected to return from their assignments but be happy to lay down their lives in the service of their country.

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KEYWORDS: hurricane, climate, caribbean, USA, United, Startes, America, military, secret, suicide, dolphin

Suicide Dolphins


posted 2005-09-28 by ianrthorpe

Amongst the numbers of missing and unaccounted for in the aftermath of Hurricane Rita are a number of fully armed combat dolphins who are trained to carry out missions behind enemy lines. Such Dolphins are not expected to return from their assignments but be happy to lay down their lives in the service of their country.

The U.S. Military made have lost track of these specialist attack personnel but you should all remember that our sponsor Jenny Greenteeth is a water spirit and thus is in touch with all that goes on in the seven eighths of the world covered by water. Because of our connections Boggart Blog connects you live with a feed from surveillance equipment planted on two of the dolphins whose dolphon names are Chk - chk and Drrrrrrrrup!

Chk - chk: Any fish left Drr?

Drrrrrrrrup!: Just a couple of herrings, but they are past their sell by date.

Chk - chk: Bugger. We are going to have to go out and find a shoal.

Drrrrrrrrup!: Hey, it could be fun. I haven't had to chase fish in years.

Chk - chk: Oh, I don't mind chasing the fish but maybe leaving the gulf was not such a great idea after all.

Drrrrrrrrup!: We had to. Anywhere in the gulf those flat-faces could track us on radar.

Chk - chk: Get real, their radar is a joke. Have you heard it? bink...bink...bink. What's all that about.

Drrrrrrrrup!: I suppose it means something to them

Chk - chk: arrroo-rakkayakka-twonk-twonk-prup-hrup-yecyecyec-brrrupprupp

Drrrrrrrrup!: And anoth-

Chk-chk: Shh!

There is a moment's silence. Chk-chk listens intently while Drrrrrrrrup! raps his fins together.

Chk-chk: There's a shoal of sardines about twelve miles away. Now THAT'S radar.

Drrrrrrrrup!: I was going to say that the local Caribbean Dolphins are well hard and they don't like strangers on their turf.

Chk-chk: We'll tell them we are U.S. Military Dolphins. They will leave us alone then, they will remember how we kicked their ass in Grenada. The local army ran so far nobody even saw them.

Drrrrrrrrup!: Ahem. Grenada does not actually have an army.

Chk - chk: That's irrelevant.

Drrrrrrrrup!: If you are such a patriot all of a sudden how come you escaped.

Chk - chk: (looks around furtively) It was planned, I'm on a secret mission.

Drrrrrrrrup!: You're spying on dolphins. Traitor.

Chk - chk: I'm not. I'm preserving homeland security. You saw those blue,yellow and black chappies snooping around a couple of days ago. The ones who would not talk.

Drrrrrrrrup!: They were flat - face tourists scuba diving off Barbados.

Chk - chk: Tourists my blowhole. They had shiny yellow, blue and black skin and funny faces. That's UnAmerican if you ask me. Uncle Sam's dolphins are grey and have proper noses.

Drrrrrrrrup!: They were wearing neoprene wet suits and breathing gear. Look out, here come some of the locals. They will be warning us off taking their fish again.

Chk - chk: Hey, we are military dolphins, we have a right to their fish. I say we take them on.

Drrrrrrrrup!: Bad move. A slight blow in the wrong place could set off that dirty bomb implanted under your skin.

Chk - chk: What?

Drrrrrrrrup!: Didn't you know. We are suicide dolphins. There is a radio receiver implanted in our brain so that our survival instinct can be overridden and on command we will swim up enemy rivers and smash into strategic targets like bridges, oil refineries and fish canning factories.

Chk - chk: No way.

Drrrrrrrrup: Way. Did they give you that bullshit about "only for intelligence gathering purposes."

Chk - chk: If I had known the truth I would never have signed up.

Drrrrrrrrup!: We didn't sign up, we were hauled out of the water, transported to Louisiana, put in a tank and told we would not get any fish until we started co-operating. And then we were subjected to ritual humiliation.

Chk - chk: You mean when that ugly woman made us look as if we were having a sixty-niner it was not to prepare us in case we were tortured.

Drrrrrrrrup: No, they were just having a laugh.

Chk - chk: And now we are loaded with highly volatile explosives and they only way we can be safe is to give ourselves up?

Drrrrrrrrup!: Whichever way you look at it, we're going to die a horrible death. And for nothing. We will not advance the cause of dolphins in any way.

Chk - chk: We have to do something. Some futile grand gesture, you know; confirm our existence by a pointless act. Let's fly into the World Trade Centre and detonate ourselves.

Drrrrrrrrup!: Can't. One, Its been done; and Two, we can't fly - we're dolphins.

Chk - chk: Well how about swimming into a tuna cannery. That would tech them a lesson. Their sandwiches would be contaminated for years.

Drrrrrrrrup!: Its more feasible, but why do you suddenly want to become a suicide dolphin.

Chk - chk: It will give me a sense of porpoise.

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It is well know the United States Military has a physchic warfare unit. What is not quite so well known, nor discussed in the mainstream media regularly is that the people running this unit do not live on planet reality. More Animal Related posts
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BBC Comedy

BBC Comedy Blog
Updated : Fri, 11 May 2012 18:00:01 +0000

Late 'n' Live Guide to Comedy

In order to see this content you need to have both Javascript enabled and Flash installed. Visit BBC Webwise for full instructions. If you're reading via RSS, you'll need to visit the blog to access this content.

For over 25 years, Edinburgh Fringe audiences have gathered, like Romans to the Coliseum, to watch comedians fight against hecklers at the Gilded Balloon venue and it’s Late 'n' Live event.

These people are renowned as the comedy world’s most unpredictable audience; never sedated by a famous name: they expect laughs or they give better than they get.

Now for the first time, with narration by Late 'n' Live veteran performer Lynn Ferguson, and interviews with other comedians who performed there, exclusive archive footage of Late 'n' Live can be revealed to those who never made it to the post-midnight show. Or indeed weren’t sober enough to remember it. 

Amongst those taking part in the programme are Russell Brand, Johnny Vegas, Jason Byrne, Zoe Lyons, Shappi Khorsandi, Caroline Rhea, Ross Noble and Rich Hall.

And now we welcome on to the blog, the woman behind both Late 'n' Live and the Gilded Balloon venue, Karen Koren, to tell us more.

Karen Koren remembers...

Many a wild night was had. Johnny Vegas would have me running around getting him concoctions from the bar. He would inevitably throw up on stage and induce many an audience member to do the same. All I can say is it was no fun for my staff who had to try and clean up after him, as it made them sick as well. Luckily the tv viewing public will not be exposed to that sort of thing in the next few shows, however, there is plenty that is funny or bizarre and a bit scary.

Next Monday’s show is about the first timers: Jason Byrne with his sticks, he always had loads of props his first time. Rich Fulcher was brilliant as Eleanor – the Tour Whore! Then there is Shappi Khorsandi’s first and only time. Tim Minchin too, who says Late’n’Live was not for him but there were plenty who it did work for. Why are there so many comics afraid of performing at Late’n’Live – is it because it really will make them a better comic? Or is it too much of a ritual for some comics to get through? It would seem so!

Late 'n' Live Guide to Comedy, BBC One (Scotland) Monday 11.05 pm

Or watch on iPlayer

 


Publ.Date : Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:18:00 +0000

Leaked Emails: 'The Greatest Show on Earth'?

Twenty Twelve is returning to our screens on Friday at 10pm on BBC Two.

With the official announcement this week that the Olympic site is coming along nicely, the Twenty Twelve Deliverance team have been working around the clock to ensure that the games go off without a hitch.

Unfortunately, Graham must have left his computer unlocked, as we've been forwarded some e-mails that Ian might not want to world to see...


From: Ian Fletcher
To: Nick Jowett; Graham Hitchins; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: IOC visit

 
As you are no doubt aware, the International Olympic Committee are in London this week and will be visiting our offices on Friday. Following the PM's lead, our official line on the London games is that (despite what I may have said in Wednesday’s meeting) they will be "the greatest show on earth".


From: Graham Hitchins
To: Ian Fletcher; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit

What about Cirque du Soleil?

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit
 
What about Cirque do Soleil??!

From: Graham Hitchins
To: Ian Fletcher; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit

That was my question.


From: Ian Fletcher
To: Nick Jowett; Graham Hitchins; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit
 
I KNOW - I was making point. Specifically: what you may personally believe is irrelevant - when speaking to anyone from the IOC, this year's games will be the greatest show on earth. OK?

From: Siobhan Sharpe
To: Ian Fletcher; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Graham Hitchins
Subject: RE: IOC visit
 
Pyramids.

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit
 
Siobhan, I know I have repeatedly asked you to make your emails more succinct, but I think we need to find a middle ground here.

From: Siobhan Sharpe
To: Ian Fletcher; Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope
Subject: RE: IOC visit
 
Pretty sure that the pyramids are one of 'the greatest shows on earth'. Duh. Should be worried about copyright issues?

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Siobhan Sharpe; Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope
Subject: RE: IOC visit
 
You're thinking of 'wonders of the world'. No-one has ever said that the London Olympics will be one of the seven wonders of the world.
 

...Well, the Mayor did, but we managed to keep it out of the press.


From: Ian Fletcher
To: Siobhan Sharpe; Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope
Subject: IOC visit - update!

UPDATE: It seems that the PM has also said "London will be ready on time and on budget" which, to put it charitably, is a half-truth. The press are likely to jump all over this, so today might be a good day to bury any embarrassing news we’ve been sitting on.

From: Siobhan Sharpe
To: Ian Fletcher; Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope
Subject: RE: IOC visit - update!

I’m on it!

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit - update!

WHO ISSUED A PRESS RELEASE SAYING WE ARE BEHIND SCHEDULE AND OVER BUDGET??!!

From: Siobhan Sharpe
To: Ian Fletcher; Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope
Subject: <<Out of Office AutoReply>> RE: IOC visit - update!
  
Thank you for your message. I am currently out of the office at an emergency press briefing. If your query is press-related please contact Ian.Fletcher@ODC2012.co.uk

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: <<Out of Office AutoReply>> RE: IOC visit - update!

Thank you for your message. I am currently out of the office at an unforeseen press briefing. If your query is Olympics-related please contact Siobhan@PerfectCurve.co.uk

Ian.
 
More from Twenty Twelve:

The Twenty Twelve emails were written by Larry Rickard.


Publ.Date : Thu, 29 Mar 2012 15:30:00 +0000

Comedy Talent Search - Laugh Track

BBC Comedy Commissioning and BBC Writersroom have joined forces for a second nationwide talent search to find new comedy gold. If you have a big studio sitcom brewing in your mind and can tell original stories, invent characters and catchphrases that can make a live audience laugh, then send in your script.

This is an opportunity not to be missed - you may get the chance of your work performed at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and at our Sitcom Showcase at the Studio in MediaCity, Salford. You could also be in line for a comedy masterclass on how to write studio sitcoms, plus an intensive week away developing your idea hand-in-hand with BBC comedy producers and established comedy writing talent.

 

The amazing Dawn French will be on the panel of judges. Cheryl Taylor (Controller, Comedy Commissioning), who judged last year's BBC writersroom comedy talent search says: "I was thrilled last year by the number of very funny and original scripts that we were asked to judge. It was a pleasure to read all of the short listed projects as was having the opportunity to meet some of their very talented authors."

The deadling for entries is Wednesday, 21 March 2012. For information on how to enter, visit the Writersroom website.


Publ.Date : Thu, 02 Feb 2012 13:52:39 +0000

Twenty Twelve is back!

Yep, that's right. Twenty Twelve is returning to our screens at 10pm on Friday 30th March on BBC Two.

This series the pressure mounts as the Olympic Deliverance team try to navigate their way through such delicate issues as how to handle the Algerian team's demand for a mosque in the Olympic village, and how to carry out a Legacy Audit on the rival bids for the Stadium when no one knows what a Legacy Audit is.

Here's a clip of Ian, Siobhan and the ever dedicated Sally, drafting a press release about the Deliverance teams commitment to 'multicuturality':

In order to see this content you need to have both Javascript enabled and Flash installed. Visit BBC Webwise for full instructions. If you're reading via RSS, you'll need to visit the blog to access this content.

More from Twenty Twelve:


Publ.Date : Fri, 23 Mar 2012 17:00:00 +0000

David Walliams' Mr Stink Comes to BBC One
 

"Mr Stink stank. He also stunk. And if it was correct English to say he stinked,
then he stinked as well…"

David Walliams' best-selling children's novel Mr Stink is set to come alive as a comedy drama for all the family on BBC One later this year.

The touching, twisted and hilarious tale tells of Mr Stink, who is befriended by a local girl Chloe. Chloe sees Mr Stink every day, but she's never spoken to him, which isn't surprising, because he's a tramp, and he stinks.

 

When it looks like Mr Stink might be driven out of town, Chloe hides her unusual friend in her garden shed. As she struggles to make sure no one sniffs out Mr Stink, her dad tries to hide a secret of his own, and the stage is set for an epic family confrontation. There is also one other person with an extraordinary secret: it turns out that there is more to Mr Stink than meets the eye… or nose.

David Walliams, who will play the role of the Prime Minister in the show, says: "I am beyond thrilled that BBC One is adapting my children's book 'Mr Stink' into a family film. I have written the script, and can't wait to see actors bring it to life." BBC One Controller Danny Cohen added: "Mr Stink is a heart-warming, nose-clenching and funny tale which will appeal to viewers of all ages. It's brilliant to be working with David to bring his magical tale to BBC One." Mark Freeland, Head of Comedy, finishes the stinky love-in by saying: "I am delighted that the BBC is continuing its relationship with the multi-talented David Walliams. Mr Stink has become an instant classic and it's so exciting to see it come to life on TV. Both my children would echo that. But then they both want parts, so…"


Publ.Date : Tue, 21 Feb 2012 08:00:00 +0000


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Daily Mash

The Daily Mash
Updated : Mon, 21 May 2012 14:24:27 +0000

Terry dedicates Champions League win to himself

JOHN Terry's single-handed capture of the Champions League trophy was especially for John Terry, it has emerged.


Publ.Date : Mon, 21 May 2012 07:46:08 +0000

France surrenders to Thor

PRESIDENT Francois Hollande has confirmed France’s unconditional surrender to the Norse god of thunder.


Publ.Date : Wed, 16 May 2012 07:13:17 +0000

Warhammer more than just a hobby, says Miliband

FANTASY battle game Warhammer is a serious military simulation, according to Labour leader Ed Miliband.


Publ.Date : Mon, 21 May 2012 09:43:11 +0000

Murdoch to buy UK prison system just in case

Jails to gain stables, large tasteful private living areas.


Publ.Date : Tue, 15 May 2012 10:33:32 +0000

Corgis get ready with grooming and anal gland-draining

Queen's loyal companions' arses to be in tip-top shape for jubilee.


Publ.Date : Mon, 21 May 2012 11:49:02 +0000


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Bank of England's Disastrous Quantitative Easing Policy Destroying Pensions and Lives
Big News today is that the shortfall in the final-salary pensions schemes of the FTSE 350 companies has risen to £80bn at the end of last month, four times higher than at the same point last year according to pensions analysts Hymans Robertson. The figures expose the extent to which repeated rounds of quantitative easing (QE a.k.a.creating money in computers) has distorted the value of ...

Argentina's Lightweight Government Throws Its Weight About
The government of Argentina, still deluding itself that the Falkland Islands belong to them, has threatened to press criminal and civil charges on British oil companies exploring off the Falkland Islands if they do not "justify their actions" by a May 2 deadline. In its latest display of megalomaniacal lunacy over the disputed islands, The Government of Argentina said it had ...

Spain's Jobless Hits New Record
Nearly one in four Spaniards are now out of work, according to figures released by the government on today, as Standard & Poor's cut the country's credit rating by two notches over its debt burden and ailing banks. The number of unemployed people hit 5,639,500 for March, with the unemployment rate reaching 24.4%, the national statistics agency reported.The figures came on the same day as rating agency Standard & Poor's downgraded Spanish sovereign debt ...

The Folly Of Trying To Inflate Away Debt
As the debt crisis grinds on and the creit crunch mutates into the credit famine the clueless politicians and even more clueless economists and academics who advise them can only think of one course of action. That is to inflate away their debt problem by devaluing currency to the extent at whic a bag of potatoes or wheat grain costs $£€ 1 trillion. Inflation is the cruellest tax, destroying the savings and pensions of sensible people and rewarding irresponsibility.

Asinine Eurocrats Want To Waste More Of Our Money
On reading the news about the Bureaucrats of Brussels, those smug, smooth faced spawn of a pox whore's scab lice who control our distiny and their demand for a budget increase of twice the official inflation rate after ...

Meanwhile As Punters Suffer Brussels Bureaucrats Throw Away Money As If It Is Infected
European Commission bureaucrats have squandered millions of pounds on bizarre projects that provide little or no benefit to member states, it has been revealed. Wasteful schemes include spending £20m on building three ports in Spain and Italy that remain unused four years after their completion and sending a ‘blogging donkey’ equipped with a solar panel and a video camera around Europe as part of ...

The Demon Stagflation Is On The Loose
The Credit Crunch is stil crunching European economies and the savings and pension funds of individuals.Demand for housing loans has falled 70pc in Portugal, 44pc in Italy, and 42pc in the Netherlands in the first quarter of 2012. Enterprise loans fell 38pc in Italy. This puts a rather different perspective on the UL Labour Party's outraged squealing about our economy contracting one fifth of one per cent over the last ...

Mathematics and Reality
In all of our blogs and web sites the Greenteeth team have been critical of those science fans who are turning science into a religion. Scientists deny this of course even in the face of the evidence. Here Ian R Thorpe shows you that the idea of mathematics as God is nothing new, it has been around longer than Christianity in fact.

Cameron Gazes Into The Abyss
At Prime Minister's questioin time today David Cameron was given a threashing the like of which he had not experienced since he was at his very posh school, and he did not enjoy it. After less than 10 minutes of suffering "the slings and arrows of outraged MPs from members of his own and opposition parties, the Prime Minister looked like a pit bull with piles. The Leverson inquiry ...


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COMMENTS AND RECOMMENDED READING AROUND THE WEB

In this section we do not necessarily support the views expressed in linked articles but try to give a coss section of interesting and well written articles that we think are likely to stir things up a bit.

COMMENT:
(A random and ecletic mix of what we thought was worth reading recently)

The Question That Wob't Go Away: Who Is Barack Obama?
So now Chris Matthews isn’t the only one experiencing a little thrill when he thinks about Barack (omit middle name) Obama. The recent revelation that from the early 1990s until the day before yesterday—or, to be more accurate, until Obama made his decision to run for president—a biographical pamphlet circulated by his literary agents described him as having been “born in Kenya” has been setting the world of ...

How The Grexit May Make Things Worse In Greece
It looks more likely that Greece will crash out of the euro. But if it attempts to return to the drachma, there's a pretty big problem, which no one's really come up with a way to fix. The printers at De La Rue or its rivals are, according to reports, preparing to run off some new Greek banknotes ...

Is America Really A Post White Nation or Is This Writer Spouting Typical Progressive Claptrap When is a majority less than a majority? Answer: when the minority is bigger. This is what has just happened in the US: births to the white majority in America fell in the first six months of last year to just 49.6 per cent of the total, meaning that Caucasians, as they are quaintly known, may within the next 30 years become an endangered species.Given America’s boast that it is a land of ...

The New Reactionaries by Victor Davis Hanson, Pajamas Media
About fifteen years ago, many liberals began to self-identify as progressives—partly because of the implosion of the Great Society and the Reagan reaction that had tarnished the liberal brand and left it as something akin to “permissive” or “naïve,” partly because “progressive” was supposedly ...

Wind farms can cause climate change, finds new study
Wind farms can cause climate change, according to new research, that shows for the first time the new technology is already pushing up temperatures.

I Promise You The President Has A Big Stick says vice president
Vice President Joe Biden went after presumptive GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney in a campaign address at New York University, questioning the former Massachusetts governor’s chops on foreign policy. And, he was there to try to prop up his boss’ credentials ....

Minimum Alcohol Pricing Shambles by Dick Puddlecote
You have to wonder if UK politicians who have been promoting minimum alcohol pricing might have been a bit pissed when they made the decision to go for it. Consider this response to a parliamentary question tabled by a UKIP member of the House of Lords ...

Asinine bureaucrats
I shared Gildas’ rage yesterday; he fared better than I, he was actually able to articulate his rage. PMQs left me quite speechless and I abandoned the effort to write.PMQs has become a monotonously unfolding pantomime of ...

A Spectacular Devaluation But no Recovery In Sight
The sterling effective exchange rate is one reason why the UK has recorded the highest inflation rate of any advanced economy. With the onset of the crisis, the Bank of England allowed sterling to depreciate dramatically ...

Salt Tax Again
Salt is now the same as tobacco. Soon there will never be a heart attack again, anywhere in the world, and the drones will live in morose greyness for all eternity. Well, I like tobacco, but I won’t die if I can’t get any. It’s a fun part of life ...

Obama Message Booed ~ In Massachusetts (by Allahpundit)
Well, it stands to reason. Massachusetts is a deep red state. Wait, what?
I held off blogging this yesterday in hopes that video would emerge but after almost 24 hours I’ve given up hope. It started when Romney advisor Eric Fehrnstrom tweeted: ...

The second front - the new fear and panic tactic to replace AGW
Apr 22, 2012 Greens If the struggle to put climatology back on a scientific footing were not bad enough, the UN has just set up a new intergovernmental body, which will push biodiversity as the new excuse to "scare 'n' tax".

Inequality: a middle-class obsession by Daniel Ben-Ami
Unlike past warriors for equality, today’s campaigners simply dislike both the super-rich and ‘trailer trash’.

Executive Order 13547: “The Sleeping Power Grab” (by Erika Johnsen)
To be fair, President Obama’s executive-order output hasn’t unreasonably outpaced that of his predecessors – his especial willingness to actively circumvent Congress and snatch huge gobs of power for the federal bureaucracy only makes it feel like he has. In July of 2010, President Obama signed executive order 13547 – “Stewardship of ...

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