Boggart Blog Central

SAS - Satnav Antipathic Soldiers and The Misadventures Of Suzie From The Isle Of Skye
Boggart Blog loves Sat Nav stories. We love all stories that make those people trying to turn science into a religion and make technology one of its idols look stupid. Not that we are against science and technology, we are simply against the kind of people who try to tell us what we can and can't think. And if we give up map reading slikks and the power to think for ourelves then when the machines go wrong as sat nav often does, we're fucked. As a young friend of ours found out.

SAS - Satnav Antipathic Soldiers and The Misadventures Of Suzie From The Isle Of Skye
by Ian R Thorpe
2010-11-18
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: sat nav, satellite, navigation, technology, science, computer, Hull, Leeds, Wales, machine, satire, humour, humor

This is a trueish but highly embellished version of something that happened to one of Cleo Hart's friends. Cleo is travelling at the moment.

As all our regular readers know we Boggart Bloggers are great fans of all whacky and totally unnecessary technologies and Sat Nav systems especially. Sat Nav seems to lead the field in providing an expensive, complicated, extremely fallible and irritating way of performing a function that should be simple and free. If you want to drive from London to Leeds and don't mind going via Bristol, Aberystwith, Preston Gubbals, Carlisle, Burton on Trent and Wigan or being rescued from mountain torrents, bogs, feral chavs in Blackbird Leys or a snowdrift outside Kiruna and having to face the ridicule of your friends down the pub trust your Sat Nav. If however you just want to get from London to Leeds without much fuss simply drive round the M25 until you see signs for M1, Watford, The North. Follow them and keep following signs for The North. Ignore your Sat Nav' yelling that you should take the next exit. It will only lead you eventually to the A666, the road to hell. Actually the A666 runs from Bolton to Blackburn so for most people is probably the road to somewhere worse than Hell. Leeds is at the other end of the M1 from London. Just stay on the M1. Easy peasy.

So why do we cruel, sarcastic bastards love Sat Nav?

Because of the blind faith that people who buy one have in their system and the way that when things have gone so badly wrong blind faith is no longer enough the childlike trust they show that their parent - surrogate gadget will somehow make things alright.

At this time of year our esteemed colleague Cleo Hart and numerous others set off for The Alps to work in ski resorts throughout the season. Most make the long and arduous trek via London and the M25 (gridlocked 24 / 7 because of sat nav users driving at 5mph while scratching their heads and saying "This doesn't look much like the Lake District) to Dover for the short, unpleasant crossing on the regular cattle ship to Calais.

Cleo however, tipped off by her dear old Dad who knows about these things, heads from Lancashire across to Hull (just get on the M62 and head east (the opposite way to Liverpool) until you come to the North Sea Ferries terminal or drive into the water off Spurn Head. Even easier than peasy.

Several of the others now use the northern crossing, its an easier drive in the UK, a more comfortable crossing with a good meal, a pleasant evening and a good night's sleep on the ferry and a better route across France. So last year another girl from northern parts, let's call her Suzie from the Isle of Skye thought it would be a good move for her too. Western Scotland to Hull sounded easy. At the time Suzie was seeing a soldier, a member of and elite regiment (we are a bit sceptical about the veracity of this claim, members of this elite regiment as well as being trained to jump out of planes, navigate by the sun and stars, live on a diet of worms, beetles and dandelion leaves and light fires by rubbing two boy scouts together are trained to read maps.

Suzie's soldier friend approved on her idea and volunteered to programme the sat nav for her. Great, who could be better equipped to program map references into a sat nav than a man trained to find his way round barren, featureless deserts and tundras? Surely Suzie could not go wrong if she just relied on her sat nav.

Suzie missed Hull, in fact she ended up in Wales Not just the civilised bit of Wales that joins on to Cheshire or the Wales, populated by Gavin and Stacy, Charlotte Church and the only gay in the village but Welsh wales where it is a crime to speak English and those things that look like basketwork garden ornaments can be assembled in a matter of minutes into a wicker man. A combination of blind faith, childlike trust in the parenting skills of inanimate machines and her boyfriend's ignorance of maps and references, the cardinal points of the compass, left and right and the difference between his arse and his elbow led to her turning right instead of left and driving past all the signs printed with red dragons and pointing to towns with names like Llanfairpwyllgwillgynn-bibble-yibble-yibble-yibble-llantisiliogochgochgoch give or take the odd goch without realising she had a problem. Maybe it was because the signs were printed in two languages, Welsh and Ogham (the secret language of The Druids)

Now in our house we think we have an idea how this might have happened. You see we know a young person who some years ago was headed from Lancashire to Sheffield and phoned home in a panic to say. "Help, I think I've taken a wrong turning and ended up in Wales, I've just passed a sign for Pontefract . Maybe the sat nav logic had made a similar mistake and interpreted "continue past signs for Pontefract" as "follow the shortest route to Pontypridd". We shall never know however.

The problem for our lovely lass Suzie from the Isle of Skye was not so subtle. She was still following her sat nav's orders and desperately trying to convince herself the device was taking her via a shortcut to Holyhead which must be near Hull as they both start with H. For Suzie, even though the blacktop road had become a muddy track several miles ago blind faith had been replaced by childlike trust in the machine. When the muddy track became a verdant Welsh hillside even childlike trust gave out. Suzie stopped and got out of the car only to be confronted by a Welsh farmer who spoke in Welsh, not saying "Iached Da (pron. Yakki da) young lady, do you need any help" but something she guessed from the way he was pointing a shotgun sat her meant "GET ORF MOI LAAAAAAAAAND".

Suzie did get to France eventually after spending several weeks in a clinic where she was given post traumatic stress therapy.

From this shocking sat nav story of betrayal we learn several things:

(1) When driving from West Scotland to Hull it is a good idea to turn left somewhere no matter what the sat nav is telling you.

(2) Sat nav is useless, whatever it tells you, do the opposite.

(3) We are not going to win the Afghan war for the simple reason that when our elite soldiers' were sent to flush the Taliban out of the Hindu Kush their map reading skills caused them to end up running round Patagonia.

(4) Never listen to the kind of techieheads, webbyheads, sciencyheads and other pointyheads who try to tell you machines are smarter than we are. Machines are unthnking automatons and people who think they will ever be intelligent are cunts.

Anti - Social NetworkingThe people who are grabbing control of the internet, Schmidt, Page and Brin, Zuckerberg et al should make us afraid, very afraid. They are all nerds you see. Now we all know some geeks, they're harmless, a bit obsessed with science and technology they spend too much time hunched over their computer ... Nerds are different however. They want to control the technology so they can control the internet so they can control the information so they can control the world. And then they want to programme us all to be like them. Another Stupid Sat Nav Story
Sat Nav Can't See The Wood For The Trees
Puffin Up The Power Of Sat Nav Technology
Internet Anti Virus ScamGangsters are tricking internet users into buying anti-virus protection that is actually malicious software in disguise, security experts have warned. Investigators fear the hacking gangs are pocketing millions of pounds by infiltrating customers� computers and stealing their banking details...read about how blind faith in the internet threatens us all

Effin Hopeless: A Rant about the internet, ISPs, customer service and the general crappiness of everythingAs we regard the state of western civilisation with it's 'liberating' internet that puts all the information in the world (and fart lighting videos) at our fingertips, lives lived online by increasingly isolated and dysfunctional people, the ability of authoritarian governments to control information and the politicians parallel and contradictory exhortations to reduce our carbon footprint and start spending to get the economy back in growth we are entitled to ask "Why are you telling us everything is great when experience tells us everthing is very, very crappy.".
Self Driving Cars Are The Latest Dehumanizing DevelopmentDon't be evil, that's Google's job. The world's greatest corporate Nazis are always eager to promote the latest dehumanizing technological advance. The most recent project they revealed from a long line of technologies aimed at cutrailing our ability to think for ourselves and make our own choices is the self driving car. No doubt the Evil Empire will sell this as something to keep us safe and ...

Segway Into InsanityEven as the case for global warming made by climate change science crumbles, the green get rich quick schemes get nuttier and nuttier. Take the Segway electric scooter being promoted by former MP Lembit Opik. This mode of ecofriendly transport technology is neither green, safe nor practical but it is advertized as all three.
Apple iPad Will Not Rewrite The BookThe word on the street for nearly twenty years has been e books will kill print, the internet will kill traditional media. With the launch of the latest e book reader and the latest overpriced, overhyped, under achieving gadget from Apple former Iinformation Technology consultant Ian R Thorpe can't see the death of print occurring yet for a few centuries.
Apple iPad: Another Pointless Product For Pointless PeopleOne of the reasons we established this page was to fire broadsides at marketing and public relations hype. Apple is a company that built is success on highly manipulative hype by persuading people to buy expensive technology that performs less well than much cheaper versions but has a prettier logo. The launch of Apple's most pointless gadget yet, the iPad was a natural target.
The Apple Of His LiverWill Steve Jobs liver transplant be the inspiration for a range of new high technology replavement vital organs all prefixed with the letter 'i' for branding purposes?
The Great, The Gullible and the Apple iPadOne of the reasons we established this page was to fire broadsides at marketing and public relations hype. Apple is a company that built is success on highly manipulative hype by persuading people to buy expensive gadgets that perform less well than much cheaper versions. The launch of Apple's most pointless gadget yet, the iPad was a natural target.

Folding Plug Wins Another Useless Gadget Design Award.Politicians and leading science and technology commentators were quick to hail the inventor of a new folding mains plug as a genius. But who needs a folding mains plug? Or has the guy mistaken the powrer transformer for his laptop computer for a bulky, overweight mains plug?

Nothing Good Has Come Of The InternetWhen a technophobe denounces the internet as anti - social, anti jobs, a force for dumbing down or a waste of time it can easily be dismissed but when the CEO of a major technology company like Sony saays nothing good has ever come of the internet we should perhaps listen..

Internet Access As A Human Right?A survey carried out by the BBC found a majority of people around the world believe internet access should be a basic human right. We suspect a bit of statistical rigging because the majority of people in the world live below the poverty line and probably have more urgent priorities than surfing the net.

A-level pass? Computer Says No
What happened when a computer programme was set to marking English A - level examination papers? Well it wasn't literature.

Is The Internet Making Us All Stupid.The more gullible and wide eyed among academics like to burble ecstatically about how the internet has ushered in a new age of creativity. We have to wonder just how much time these self styled experts have spent surfing scial networking sites
Web Induced DementiaIn most civilised societies there are laws governing what outrageous claims advertisers can make for their products. This does not apply on the web it seems, where 'revolutionary new world changing technology' means 'not fit for purpose'
Who Needs HDTVDo you ever wonder why you bought all your stuff? Do you really need a new cellphone every two years and how many times have you replaced a perfectly good computer because something new had come of the market. Technology is the biggest scam ever. For example, why do we need HDTV?
Internet Threat To The Way We Live

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BBC Comedy

BBC Comedy Blog
Updated : Tue, 28 Aug 2012 09:53:42 +0000

BBC Set For Festival Fringe at Edinburgh 2012

We're going back to the Fringe!

This summer, we'll pick up from where we left off last year when all our Fringe action came together under one roof. Expect even more performances and shows from across our site on TV, on radio and online.

We're going extra mile at the Fringe this year, hosting an overnight Comedy Marathon. BBC Three will start an epic overnight journey with a specially billed, anarchic eight hour show which will go out live on the Red Button from 9pm till 5am and forms part of the London 2012 Festival.

Our tented festival village opens on Friday, 3rd August and doesn't come down until the early hours of Monday 27th August, with over a 100 shows under its belt.

Last year, our venue enjoyed hosting shows from across the BBC. Where else in Edinburgh could you have found Ricky Gervais, Mark Lawson, Sarah Millican and David Hasselhoff on the same stage? (OK, not necessarily at the same time) - in case this all passed you by, here's a video of last year's highlights:

In order to see this content you need to have both Javascript enabled and Flash installed. Visit BBC Webwise for full instructions. If you're reading via RSS, you'll need to visit the blog to access this content.

There is so much going on across the month, make sure you don't miss anything by following @BBCEdFest on twitter and via www.facebook.com/BBCEdFest

Free tickets for all of the on-site events, performances and Masterclasses are available from BBC Tickets from Thursday, May 31. Apply now to make sure you don't miss out!

What's On?

BBC Radio 1's Scott Mills and Nick Grimshaw will be returning to present their spectacular Fun and Filth Cabaret, also part of the London 2012 Festival. And BBC Comedy Presents is back, showcasing the best of the Fringe with nightly shows.

Festival-goers can come together and marvel at our new big screen which will be showing the best of the Olympics live.

Radio 4 bring a host of listener favourites to the Fringe; David Mitchell will be dropping in to host The Unbelievable Truth, Nicholas Parsons and Paul Merton will rock up for Just a Minute, as will Clive Anderson for Loose Ends. Jim Naughtie is with us for a special Fringe edition of Today, and Rory Bremner's in town to host Tonight.

More Radio 4 recordings from the festival include Comic Fringes, with short stories created by popular comedians. Also, Front Row, The Horne Section, The Philosopher's Arms, Wondermentalist Cabaret, plus a new food panel show making its debut at the Fringe - The Kitchen Cabinet presented by Jay Rayner.

As well its regular stable of Edinburgh shows of MacAulay & Co and the Festival Café and in recent years Off the Ball - BBC Radio Scotland will be taking more stalwarts East including Vic Galloway and Jazz House, and as he did in 2011, to acclaim, Christopher Brookmyre will be combining comedy and books in a specially recorded series.

Radio 3 will broadcast In Tune live from Edinburgh with Sean Rafferty and Verity Sharp presenting two editions of Late Junction with live music and special features.

Radio 2's Steve Wright Show - with Patrick Kielty at the helm - will broadcast from the festival. Patrick's also hosting the Edinburgh heat of the Radio 2 New Comedy Award. And Penny Smith returns with The Radio 2 Arts Show.

There is also a chance for you to see Richard Bacon present his BBC 5live shows from the BBC venue at the Edinburgh Festival on August 22nd and 23rd with celebrity guests.

BBC coverage goes beyond the Fringe. The diversity of the Edinburgh festivals will be reflected across a range of output, including BBC Two's The Culture Show with Sue Perkins and The Review Show with Kirsty Wark. And as broadcast partner of the Edinburgh International Festival, Radio 3 will broadcast 18 live and pre-recorded concerts from the Festival.

There will be a host of other live music acts across the month, featuring special performances from world loop-station champion, Shlomo, as well as up-and-coming live music acts showcased by Vic Galloway and the BBC Introducing... team in Scotland. There will also be lots exciting things to do for families with young children.

Key events at the BBC@Potterrow are included in the Edinburgh Festival Fringe brochure, but further details of additional events including Masterclasses and Workshops will be announced in due course.

Publ.Date : Thu, 31 May 2012 16:55:00 +0000

Leaked Emails: 'The Greatest Show on Earth'?

Twenty Twelve is returning to our screens on Friday at 10pm on BBC Two.

With the official announcement this week that the Olympic site is coming along nicely, the Twenty Twelve Deliverance team have been working around the clock to ensure that the games go off without a hitch.

Unfortunately, Graham must have left his computer unlocked, as we've been forwarded some e-mails that Ian might not want to world to see...

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Nick Jowett; Graham Hitchins; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: IOC visit

As you are no doubt aware, the International Olympic Committee are in London this week and will be visiting our offices on Friday. Following the PM's lead, our official line on the London games is that (despite what I may have said in Wednesday’s meeting) they will be "the greatest show on earth".

From: Graham Hitchins
To: Ian Fletcher; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit

What about Cirque du Soleil?

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit

What about Cirque do Soleil??!

From: Graham Hitchins
To: Ian Fletcher; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit

That was my question.

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Nick Jowett; Graham Hitchins; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit

I KNOW - I was making point. Specifically: what you may personally believe is irrelevant - when speaking to anyone from the IOC, this year's games will be the greatest show on earth. OK?

From: Siobhan Sharpe

To: Ian Fletcher; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Graham Hitchins

Subject: RE: IOC visit

Pyramids.

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe
Subject: RE: IOC visit

Siobhan, I know I have repeatedly asked you to make your emails more succinct, but I think we need to find a middle ground here.

From: Siobhan Sharpe
To: Ian Fletcher; Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope
Subject: RE: IOC visit

Pretty sure that the pyramids are one of 'the greatest shows on earth'. Duh. Should be worried about copyright issues?

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Siobhan Sharpe; Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope
Subject: RE: IOC visit

You're thinking of 'wonders of the world'. No-one has ever said that the London Olympics will be one of the seven wonders of the world.

...Well, the Mayor did, but we managed to keep it out of the press.

From: Ian Fletcher
To: Siobhan Sharpe; Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope

Subject: IOC visit - update!

UPDATE: It seems that the PM has also said "London will be ready on time and on budget" which, to put it charitably, is a half-truth. The press are likely to jump all over this, so today might be a good day to bury any embarrassing news we’ve been sitting on.

From: Siobhan Sharpe

To: Ian Fletcher; Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope

Subject: RE: IOC visit - update!

I’m on it!

From: Ian Fletcher

To: Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe

Subject: RE: IOC visit - update!

WHO ISSUED A PRESS RELEASE SAYING WE ARE BEHIND SCHEDULE AND OVER BUDGET??!!

From: Siobhan Sharpe

To: Ian Fletcher; Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope

Subject: <<Out of Office AutoReply>> RE: IOC visit - update!

Thank you for your message. I am currently out of the office at an emergency press briefing. If your query is press-related please contact Ian.Fletcher@ODC2012.co.uk

From: Ian Fletcher

To: Graham Hitchins; Nick Jowett; Kay Hope; Siobhan Sharpe

Subject: <<Out of Office AutoReply>> RE: IOC visit - update!

Thank you for your message. I am currently out of the office at an unforeseen press briefing. If your query is Olympics-related please contact Siobhan@PerfectCurve.co.uk

Ian.

More from Twenty Twelve:

Twenty Twelve on Twitter: They're in charge of the biggest show on earth - so how difficult can Twitter be?
Watch interviews with Hugh Bonneville and Jessica Hynes.
Find out more about the characters from Twenty Twelve.

The Twenty Twelve emails were written by Larry Rickard.

Publ.Date : Thu, 29 Mar 2012 15:30:00 +0000

New Jason Byrne Sitcom 'Father Figure'

BBC One has commissioned a pilot of Father Figure, a new sitcom created, written by and starring the stand-up comedian Jason Byrne, to go into production early next year.

Jason Byrne plays married father Tom. He tries to be the best dad he can to his two sons, but bad luck and his extended family are always upsetting his plans. Jason will be accompanied by Pauline McLynn (Father Ted), Michael Smiley (Luther) and Dermot Crowley (Bleak House).

Jason said "It's been a big dream of mine and I'd never have thought I would get the chance to join the ranks of the television sitcom world. The characters all come from real life and the outrageous situations Tom gets into have, more often than not, actually happened to me. The people in my life will never realise that it's them I'm writing about, unless my wife and two sons, mother, father and best mate ever watch it."

Publ.Date : Thu, 09 Aug 2012 07:00:00 +0000

Feed My Funny Exclusives

Last month YouTube celebrated its 7th birthday. Hulu, the largest legal TV streaming service in the US, will be 5 in August (It's four months older than iPlayer). There's been much talk in the US recently about online video "growing up". Google's decision to foster partnerships with content producers, starting with its YouTube Partner Program, has now seen the launch of premium video channels. At a presentation to advertisers in May, US comedian Chris Hardwick, who runs YouTube's popular Nerdist channel, summed up Google's intentions best: "The web will be to cable TV what cable TV was to broadcast".

Google though is not an isolated case, and other online platforms are taking it further. Both Hulu & Netflix have commissioned exclusive web series including political sitcom "Battleground", a new reality show from Morgan Spurlock, and a series of documentaries from the acclaimed director Richard Linklater. US online video services are for a wide variety of reasons evolving, but what's still unknown, and so exciting, is what effect the continual growth of this video market will have on Television.

This is contextually interesting, and relevant to the BBC, because today we published seven brand new comedy shows online. Of course that happens regularly on the iPlayer, but these shows have never been on television; they were commissioned for bbc.co.uk. Promoted by BBC Three as Feed My Funny Exclusives, and championed by controller Zai Bennett as a chance to find "the next Gavin and Stacey or Little Britain", they throw up exciting possibilities for comedy, a genre where traditionally you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the next Prince or Princess, like Mrs Brown.

Dawson Bros. Funtime

New talent, new formats and new scripts can be developed at relatively low cost in relation to TV production and put in front of an audience. Architecturally, the Feed My Funny Exclusives, use the same templates as TV shows, working within bbc.co.uk/programmes, utilising iBroadcast, and they can appear in IPlayer. But the differences are what makes this so exciting going forward. These shows don't need to be 28 minutes long, they cost less to make than most TV comedy and they are at that intersection between technology and storytelling Ralph Rivera described a few months ago.

How many of this year's Feed My Funny Exclusives will go to full TV series remains to be seen. What we do know is that when more are commissioned later this year, we can ask some interesting questions. For example, what would data driven comedy look like? After all, Yahoo, who now commission web series, make programming choices driven by data. After tracking the torrent of clicks that news stories about wedding engagements routinely get they commissioned a reality web show "The Ultimate Proposal".

Could we create a personalised comedy akin to the Tipp-Ex Bear on YouTube using bbc programme pages? Or create live comedy driven entirely from social media feeds? Technology is changing what we can do with comedy but all that really matters is how funny the end product is. So I will leave you to judge and comment on what's been produced for the first series of Feed My Funny exclusives, but I would like to point out that without this project we would never have been able to unveil the latest revolution in equine technology. It keeps you up to date with news for horses, surf websites for horses, and connect with friends, who are horses.

Feed My Funny Exclusives

Will Saunders is an executive producer within BBC Comedy.

Publ.Date : Mon, 02 Jul 2012 19:00:00 +0000

Radio 4's Beauty Olonga

Jocelyn Jee Esien as Beauty Olonga

Radio 4's comedy, Beauty of Britain, is about a woman called Beauty Olonga, who works as a carer and sees herself as an inspiration to other young African women in Britain. Here she tells us more about her show.

"One of the people in charge at Radio 4 asked me to tell you about my new series. She said she would do it herself only she's not very good at 'writing-ey type stuff' and she's got a wedding to go to.

"I could tell she was important because she had a little fold-up bicycle and she only goes into the office two days a week. Since coming to this country to work as a carer, I have learnt to recognise how much power someone has by how small their bike is, how long their holidays are and how much extra work they ask you to do for nothing.

"The British also expect you to compliment them on their sense of humour - like when those elderly gentlemen sang about 'My generation' on TV the other night. But I've noticed that although they like to laugh they don't want to make eye contact. I think that's why Radio 4 is such an important part of their culture.

"A lot of the elderly people I look after have a machine on the bedside table that suddenly starts playing Radio 4 at 6.15 in the morning while, at the same time, squirting them with steam and boiling tea - that fantastic sense of humour again!

"Radio 4 normally starts the day with three hours of high-status men shouting at each other. Sometimes you can hear the velcro tearing on their cycling anklets when they get really worked up. Most of my clients like to shout back at the radio, especially when a man called Gary Richardson is on. The elderly women I look after tend to get very annoyed when Kirsty Young starts talking. Personally I can't see anything to complain about with Kirsty - okay, she lost her professionalism when Morrissey was her guest but I've seen a photo of her in Asda Shopper magazine and she is the only Radio 4 presenter who takes the trouble to do her highlights properly.

"If you are an African girl working as a carer you will pick up plenty of top tips from my new series; from how to upstyle your tabard to slow-cooking carrots overnight to getting your clients seen by NHS professionals who are so young they can't write out a prescription without sticking their tongues out and moving their lips. I'd been living here for nearly two years before I learned the key to dealing with registrars is patience and understanding. Young doctors are very overworked so it doesn't help to criticise them for not knowing how to dress for their shape and for only visiting the barbers once every six months.

"But I hope there will be something useful for everyone who listens to my show. And let's face it that means all of you because how many Radio 4 listeners actually go in to work on a Friday? Exactly."

Beauty of Britain goes out on Radio 4 Friday mornings at 11.30am.

Dictated from the vintage section of the PDSA shop to Christopher Douglas and Nicola Sanderson

Publ.Date : Tue, 28 Aug 2012 09:53:42 +0000

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Daily Mash

The Daily Mash
Updated : Fri, 24 May 2013 11:24:29 +0000

Everything co-workers do is annoying
ABSOLUTELY everything your colleagues do is annoying, it has emerged.
Publ.Date : Fri, 24 May 2013 10:00:13 +0000

Gay marriage will affect things that don’t matter, reveals Tebbit
GAY marriage could force Britain to read about a newly married lesbian queen opening a hospital, it has emerged.
Publ.Date : Tue, 21 May 2013 10:52:54 +0000

Apple fans queue overnight for tax avoidance scheme
APPLE'S diehard fans are queuing outside the company's stores eager to snap-up the latest beautifully designed way of avoiding tax.
Publ.Date : Tue, 21 May 2013 09:11:18 +0000

Rolling into a ball not as good as running like f*ck, hedgehogs told
A SHARP decline in hedgehog numbers has been blamed on the ineffectiveness of curling into a ball when threatened.
Publ.Date : Fri, 24 May 2013 07:48:19 +0000

Retired footballers start tropical detective agency
FORMER Premier League players have joined forces to fight crime in exotic locations.
Publ.Date : Tue, 21 May 2013 08:12:12 +0000

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The shadowy and secretive Bilderberg Group will hold their annual meeting at The Grove country house hotel complex just outside watford, England in early June. As usual this gathering of the super - rich and super - powerful will be accompanied by levels of secrecy and security never seen elsewhere.

Global Warming Theory Debunked By NASA
NASA, America's National Aeoronautical And Space Agency was in the forefront of the Anthropogenic Global Warming scare. Do you remember 'The Science Is Settled'? Well it wasn't, a trickle of thoise really awkward bastards who insist on thinking for themselves became a torrent and now even NASA are admitting it was all a hoax based on dodgy statistics and fraudulent physics.

What Is All That Aid Money Really being Used For
The marketing hype accompanying wars becomes progressively more boring and predictable. Whenever a "coalition of the willing" of western governments and their rather unsavoury regional allies deploys military intervention, it is certain the European Union will host or participate in a “donors’ conference”. These grotesque charades have become a feature Afghan campaign since 2001. When Gaza was bombed for three weeks in late 2008 and early 2009, the EU rushed...

Angelina's Tits: Was the world too quick to celebrate the unnecessary double mastectomy
Was the world right to make Angelina Jolie a hero for having her healthy breasts removed? Now the commercial motivations behind the move are coming to light, it seems Ms. Jolie's double mastectomy on the strength of manmmograms that revealed patented genes that contribute little to cancer risk but much to corporate profits could have been a career destroying misjudgement.

Prescription of dangerous antidepressants that cause sudden death is rapidly expanding
The criminality of Big Pharma goes on and on. Stop them committing one crime, they start another ten scams, frauds or deceptions to make up for the lost profits.

'The list of antidepressants that can cause sudden death is growing exponentially, with citalopram - under the brand names ...

Two stories that show how the banksters plant to control your cash and how you spend it
I have written many articles over the years about how machines and technology are talking over our lives. Slaves To The Machine ( www.scribd.com/doc/117509296/Slaves-To-The-Machine ) is a keynote article for all my websites and blogs and new stories bringing more evidence to support the predictions I make in it are emerging constantly. Two new ones appeared this week ...

He Who Controls The Food Controls The Universe.
A reference to Frank Herbert's Dune in the title, but this is not a fan piece. While the US Administration bends, lifts its shirt and invites fascist biotech corporate to fuck the American public up the arse, it's good to know some people are stll fighting to keep some democratic control of what goes into our bodies.

All Your Gene Are Belong Us - You Don't Own Your Body, Obama's Government Does Barack Hussein Obama is rapidly becoming known as the sellout President, he has welched on every electoral promise and bent over backwards (and forwards we hear) to accomodate his corporate paymasters. Well some of us did try to warn you he was The New World Order's houseboy. Now he is even giving the corporations rights over citizens bodies.

He Who Controls The Food Controls The Universe Remember that famous line from Frank Herbert's science fiction novels in the Dune series, "He who controls the spice controls the Universe"? Just substitute the word food for spice and the line is starting to look eerily prophetic. Greenpeace the environmental protection group claimed a rare victory against the march of corporate fascism when

Washington Signals Fears Over Dollar
Over the past month there have been some bizarre movements in financial marketsthat can only be explained as a conspiracy to protect the US dollar from the inevitable consequences Federal Reserve’s policy of Quantitative Easing (QE) which has been going on since the financial crisis began in 2008.

Economic Insanity: We Spend $11 million to create each green job
Cast you mind back to the last round of elections where you live. Do you remember al those politicians promising to make the economy greener, to create...

Lies, Damned Lies and ... umm... Those Other Things ... oh yeah, statistics.
Were I able to muster the kind of blind faith Mr. Chivers and other "science" nerds place in statistics I would invest it in one of the traditional religions and at least be able to convince myself there is a chance of being resurrected into the life eternal. As it is, unlike Science fans who proclaim their atheism but have a zealots faith in science, I am a true sceptic...

Children Given Chemical Cosh For Fictitious Disease

Critics of the Ritalin disaster which saw many lived ruined by the prescription of 'bonkers' drug Ritalin for "ADHD" are now getting support from an unexpected quarter. The German weekly Der Spiegel quoted in its cover story on 2 February 2012 the US American psychiatrist Leon Eisenberg, born in 1922 as the son of Russian Jewish immigrants, who was the “scientific father of ADHD” and who said at...

Looming Health Crisis: Wireless Technology and the Toxification of America
As a multitude of hazardous wireless technologies are deployed in homes, schools and workplaces, government officials and industry representatives continue to insist on their safety despite growing evidence to the contrary. A major health crisis looms that is only hastened through the extensive deployment of “smart grid” technology.

Scientific Dictatorship: The Total Surveillance Society Is Coming Soon.
Just because you're paranoid, it does not mean they are not watching you. The totall surveillance society is spreading as fast as your freedom is disappearing. CCTV, Drones, Google data snooping, giant databases, everything you do is monitored and logged.

War On Terror, War On Drugs, Jihad Against Junk Food
why have the elite taken against 'junk food' a concept for which their is no accepted definition. Well there has been talk of a tax on fatty foods but that went quiet when it was pointed out pate de fois gras, Chateaubriand, Steak Diane and other gourmet treats were very fatty.

Monsanto Owns The Life Reproducing Process Says U S CourtPoliticised Judges show bias in finding for the Corporate giant and helping advance its agenda to control the food supply. This is the corporation that wants to make sure nobody ever eats ant product, plant or animal, that is not genertically modified. And the shits who have hijecked our societies, the politicians, lawyers, bankers and scientists are happy to sell us out to these fascists and help create their Brave New World.

Eat Insectes, good food is only for elitists says United Nations
Very survivalist, very Soylent Green. The scientific advisers of that hotbed of elitism where the politicians, international lawyers, bankers and top academics, the U N (United Nazis) has been thinking about the incipient food crisis. And they say the food shopping list of all us ordinary punters in future will include Bread, Milk, Grubs, Beetles, Maggots, Locusts, Worms and Spiders.

The Jihad On Junk Food
You must have grown tired of all the wars governments are fighting. Not shooting wars (although the war on terror is war on an abstract concept) but war on smoking, war on drugs, war on crime, war on anti - social behaviour and the one they will never win, the war on alcohol. Government's must have grown tired too, or maybe