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SAS - Satnav Antipathic Soldiers and The Misadventures Of Suzie From The Isle Of Skye
Boggart Blog loves Sat Nav stories. We love all stories that make those people trying to turn science into a religion and make technology one of its idols look stupid. Not that we are against science and technology, we are simply against the kind of people who try to tell us what we can and can't think. And if we give up map reading slikks and the power to think for ourelves then when the machines go wrong as sat nav often does, we're fucked. As a young friend of ours found out.

SAS - Satnav Antipathic Soldiers and The Misadventures Of Suzie From The Isle Of Skye
by Ian R Thorpe
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: sat nav, satellite, navigation, technology, science, computer, Hull, Leeds, Wales, machine, satire, humour, humor

This is a trueish but highly embellished version of something that happened to one of Cleo Hart's friends. Cleo is travelling at the moment.

As all our regular readers know we Boggart Bloggers are great fans of all whacky and totally unnecessary technologies and Sat Nav systems especially. Sat Nav seems to lead the field in providing an expensive, complicated, extremely fallible and irritating way of performing a function that should be simple and free. If you want to drive from London to Leeds and don't mind going via Bristol, Aberystwith, Preston Gubbals, Carlisle, Burton on Trent and Wigan or being rescued from mountain torrents, bogs, feral chavs in Blackbird Leys or a snowdrift outside Kiruna and having to face the ridicule of your friends down the pub trust your Sat Nav. If however you just want to get from London to Leeds without much fuss simply drive round the M25 until you see signs for M1, Watford, The North. Follow them and keep following signs for The North. Ignore your Sat Nav' yelling that you should take the next exit. It will only lead you eventually to the A666, the road to hell. Actually the A666 runs from Bolton to Blackburn so for most people is probably the road to somewhere worse than Hell. Leeds is at the other end of the M1 from London. Just stay on the M1. Easy peasy.

So why do we cruel, sarcastic bastards love Sat Nav?

Because of the blind faith that people who buy one have in their system and the way that when things have gone so badly wrong blind faith is no longer enough the childlike trust they show that their parent - surrogate gadget will somehow make things alright.

At this time of year our esteemed colleague Cleo Hart and numerous others set off for The Alps to work in ski resorts throughout the season. Most make the long and arduous trek via London and the M25 (gridlocked 24 / 7 because of sat nav users driving at 5mph while scratching their heads and saying "This doesn't look much like the Lake District) to Dover for the short, unpleasant crossing on the regular cattle ship to Calais.

Cleo however, tipped off by her dear old Dad who knows about these things, heads from Lancashire across to Hull (just get on the M62 and head east (the opposite way to Liverpool) until you come to the North Sea Ferries terminal or drive into the water off Spurn Head. Even easier than peasy.

Several of the others now use the northern crossing, its an easier drive in the UK, a more comfortable crossing with a good meal, a pleasant evening and a good night's sleep on the ferry and a better route across France. So last year another girl from northern parts, let's call her Suzie from the Isle of Skye thought it would be a good move for her too. Western Scotland to Hull sounded easy. At the time Suzie was seeing a soldier, a member of and elite regiment (we are a bit sceptical about the veracity of this claim, members of this elite regiment as well as being trained to jump out of planes, navigate by the sun and stars, live on a diet of worms, beetles and dandelion leaves and light fires by rubbing two boy scouts together are trained to read maps.

Suzie's soldier friend approved on her idea and volunteered to programme the sat nav for her. Great, who could be better equipped to program map references into a sat nav than a man trained to find his way round barren, featureless deserts and tundras? Surely Suzie could not go wrong if she just relied on her sat nav.

Suzie missed Hull, in fact she ended up in Wales Not just the civilised bit of Wales that joins on to Cheshire or the Wales, populated by Gavin and Stacy, Charlotte Church and the only gay in the village but Welsh wales where it is a crime to speak English and those things that look like basketwork garden ornaments can be assembled in a matter of minutes into a wicker man. A combination of blind faith, childlike trust in the parenting skills of inanimate machines and her boyfriend's ignorance of maps and references, the cardinal points of the compass, left and right and the difference between his arse and his elbow led to her turning right instead of left and driving past all the signs printed with red dragons and pointing to towns with names like Llanfairpwyllgwillgynn-bibble-yibble-yibble-yibble-llantisiliogochgochgoch give or take the odd goch without realising she had a problem. Maybe it was because the signs were printed in two languages, Welsh and Ogham (the secret language of The Druids)

Now in our house we think we have an idea how this might have happened. You see we know a young person who some years ago was headed from Lancashire to Sheffield and phoned home in a panic to say. "Help, I think I've taken a wrong turning and ended up in Wales, I've just passed a sign for Pontefract . Maybe the sat nav logic had made a similar mistake and interpreted "continue past signs for Pontefract" as "follow the shortest route to Pontypridd". We shall never know however.

The problem for our lovely lass Suzie from the Isle of Skye was not so subtle. She was still following her sat nav's orders and desperately trying to convince herself the device was taking her via a shortcut to Holyhead which must be near Hull as they both start with H. For Suzie, even though the blacktop road had become a muddy track several miles ago blind faith had been replaced by childlike trust in the machine. When the muddy track became a verdant Welsh hillside even childlike trust gave out. Suzie stopped and got out of the car only to be confronted by a Welsh farmer who spoke in Welsh, not saying "Iached Da (pron. Yakki da) young lady, do you need any help" but something she guessed from the way he was pointing a shotgun sat her meant "GET ORF MOI LAAAAAAAAAND".

Suzie did get to France eventually after spending several weeks in a clinic where she was given post traumatic stress therapy.

From this shocking sat nav story of betrayal we learn several things:

(1) When driving from West Scotland to Hull it is a good idea to turn left somewhere no matter what the sat nav is telling you.

(2) Sat nav is useless, whatever it tells you, do the opposite.

(3) We are not going to win the Afghan war for the simple reason that when our elite soldiers' were sent to flush the Taliban out of the Hindu Kush their map reading skills caused them to end up running round Patagonia.

(4) Never listen to the kind of techieheads, webbyheads, sciencyheads and other pointyheads who try to tell you machines are smarter than we are. Machines are unthnking automatons and people who think they will ever be intelligent are cunts.


Personal Irritation Claims - Professional claims service
OMFG, we've had about ten calls yesterday and today about personal injury claims, mis - selling, unfair treatment at work, medical negligence, you name is, a bunch of shyster lawyers want to sue someone on your behalf for it.

Personal Irritation Claims - Professional claims service
OMFG, we've had about ten calls yesterday and today about personal injury claims, mis - selling, unfair treatment at work, medical negligence, you name is, a bunch of shyster lawyers want to sue someone on your behalf for it.

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Scots Wha Hae When Wallace Bled - A Boggart's view of Scottish Independence.
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Segway Into Insanity
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Take one footballer, add one Sdat Nav, stir in one Porsche Anti - Social NetworkingThe people who are grabbing control of the internet, Schmidt, Page and Brin, Zuckerberg et al should make us afraid, very afraid. They are all nerds you see. Now we all know some geeks, they're harmless, a bit obsessed with science and technology they spend too much time hunched over their computer ... Nerds are different however. They want to control the technology so they can control the internet so they can control the information so they can control the world. And then they want to programme us all to be like them. Another Stupid Sat Nav Story
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Puffin Up The Power Of Sat Nav Technology
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Self Driving Cars Are The Latest Dehumanizing DevelopmentDon't be evil, that's Google's job. The world's greatest corporate Nazis are always eager to promote the latest dehumanizing technological advance. The most recent project they revealed from a long line of technologies aimed at cutrailing our ability to think for ourselves and make our own choices is the self driving car. No doubt the Evil Empire will sell this as something to keep us safe and ...

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Is The Internet Making Us All Stupid.The more gullible and wide eyed among academics like to burble ecstatically about how the internet has ushered in a new age of creativity. We have to wonder just how much time these self styled experts have spent surfing scial networking sites
Web Induced DementiaIn most civilised societies there are laws governing what outrageous claims advertisers can make for their products. This does not apply on the web it seems, where 'revolutionary new world changing technology' means 'not fit for purpose'
Who Needs HDTVDo you ever wonder why you bought all your stuff? Do you really need a new cellphone every two years and how many times have you replaced a perfectly good computer because something new had come of the market. Technology is the biggest scam ever. For example, why do we need HDTV?
Internet Threat To The Way We Live

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Fact Checker Snopes Lie About Obama ‘Birther’ Smear.
Yesterday US Presidential candidate Donald Trump said that President Barack Obama was born in the U.S., and by doing so he “finished a birther controversy” which he said was started by Hillary Clinton in 2008. “Hillary Clinton and her campaign of 2008 started the birther controversy. I finished it, I finished it. You know what I mean," he told a campaign event audience.

US woman arrested for selling a dead body in a freezer at yard sale Marcella Jean Lee, 56, was recently arrested in North Carolina after her mother’s dead body was found in a freezer she sold at a yard sale. Lee was charged on Thursday (15 September) with concealing a body and failure to report a death ... (You just ca'nt make up stuff like this)

Now YouTube are censoring videos critical of the establishment.
A few days ago, after examining evidence offered by certain bloggers who defend net neutrality we reported that allegations against Google of blocking access to sites that criticise Hillary Clinton's presidential election campaign or raise questions bout the candidate's very obvious health problems is is pretty irrevocable. Since then a reader mailed us an item on how YouTube are censoring videos whose content is critical of government ...

MPs attack Cameron over Libya 'collapse'
Not before time Britain's politicians are asking for justification of our role in the bombing campaign againsyt the regime of colonel Gadaffi in Libya, which since 2011 has led to that country, at the time the most prosperous and advanced nation in Africa, becoming a chaotic failed state with three different groups all claiming to be the legitimate government.

Lawless Immigrant Chaos Accounts for Quarter of Swedish Police Resources
Police officials in Värmland, Sweden have revealed 25 per cent of their time and resources are consumed by dealing with the lawlessness of illegal immigrants, as the Swedish government yesterday announced a further two billion Swedish Krona for policing to 2020. Chief Superintendent Lars Serenander estimates that around a quarter of police time is spent dealing with issues related to migrants ...

‘Opportunities are ENORMOUS’ Liam Fox launches trade talks with India, China and Singapore
We told you Brexit would be good for Britain. It will surprise many people to learn that we as a nation had no trade deals with former comonies India, Singapore and Malasia, or with the vast market that is China, but since those teasonous bastards in Westminster sold out much of our national sovereignty to the unelected bureaucrats of Brussels we have not had trade deals with commonwealth nations.

Obama-Duterte Blow Up: What the Corporate Media Doesn’t Get
The recent bad blood between US President Barack Obama and Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte is based on hostilities far more profoundthan could be caused by a simple clash of personalities.

Hillary's Facebook Attempt To Connect With Voters Misses Target Again
The biggest advantage Donald Trump has in the US Presidential race is that his opponent Hillary Clinton not only has a terrible reputation for being involved in dodgy dealings is but is a cold, unlikeable person who is seen as selfish, egotistical, petulant and inclined to gloat in moments of triumph. In an attempt to redress some of the harm this impression is doing to her campaign, Hillary has taken to Facebook

Negative Interest Rates & The War On Cash, Part 3: "Beware The Promoters"
Bitcoin and other electronic platforms have paved the way psychologically for a shift away from cash, although they have done so by emphasising decentralisation and anonymity rather than the much greater central control which would be inherent in a mainstream electronic currency. Despite the loss of privacy, electronic currency is much favoured by techno-optimists, but not so much by those concerned about the risks of absolute structural dependency on technological complexity.

Shock, Horror! Millennials Safe Space Violated As Facebook Algo Accident Exposes Them To Diverse Ideas Late last month (August 2016,) the Zuckerbugger's zoons put an algorithm in charge of the Facebook “trending” feature, to select the most popular topics, articles and keywords on the web in a narrow timeframe and with due respect for the 'safe space' of millenials who can be traumatised if they encounter microaggrrrrressions in the form of controversial ideas or unorthodox opinions ...

Google, Facebook, Amazon: algorithms will soon rule our lives so we'd better understand how they work
One of the most interesting announcements in last week's Budget – well, for me at least, as someone who has no savings and doesn’t play bingo or drink much – was the new Alan Turing Institute: £220 million of government support will be invested into "big data and algorithm" research.

G20 Leaders Dismiss Obama As An “Irrelevant Child” At Beijing Summit
China set the tone when airport officials refused to let Barack Obama's handlers flout Chises law so the US President's arrival in Beijing for the G20 Summit to be trurned into a stahe managed celebration of The Obamessiah;s greatness. This is our airport, this is our country", a Chinese official yelled as Obama's entourage attempted to usher The White House press corps into an area that was clearly marked out of bounds.

Underage Migrant Gang Sexually Assault German Women On City Street
In a worrying echo of antisocial behaviour by Muslim immigrants at Swedish music festivals throughout the summer it has been reported that five women were sexually assaulted by a gang of young Muslim asylum seekers in Germany. Police say the migrants threatened to beat the women with beer and champagne bottles ...

TTIP - This so -called free trade deal is a full-frontal assault on democracy
The purpose of the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership (TTIP) is not so much as to remove tariffs and other protectionist devices as to remove the regulatory differences between the US and European nations. And that is quite significant for us as British and E.U. comsuper protection, fair trade, environment and employment laws have always tried to strike a balance between the interests of consumers, workers and business.

If This Does Not Disqualify Hillary For The Presidency, It's Hard To Know What Will
Even the conservative Wall Street Journal is waking up to the massive deception that is being perpetrated on voters by the American political establishment, media and judiciary. Unfortunately the around half or the voters seem to be willingly complicit in this deception. In fact the USA collectively appears capable of a level of cognitive dissonance on an unprecedented scale in relation to the crimes and corrupt practices of Hillary Clinton ...

Smart Phones Will Not Make Banking Safer
Yet the war on cash goes on. The latest move is to encourage people to use their smartphone to do their online banking. My first reaction on reading this was, "They're having a laugh aren't they?" laptops and tablets are ridiculously easy to hijack, smartphones don't even need to be hacked, like tired old slappers whose sexual allure has gone south, but who still crave attention, they will offer themselves without needing to be asked.

Hillary Clinton's Oh Shit Moment. How The Candidate Wiped Her Server With BleachBit Despite Subpoena

In the USA ignoring a subpoena can have similar consequences. But increasingly throught the developed world we are finding the law does not apply to everybody equally. The story of how Hillary's "personal" emails came to be deleted using, the now infamous, BleachBit, even after a subpoema had been issued requiring the Democratic Party candidate to hand over certain documents relating to her time as Secretary of State is quite the tale.

Top Academic: Muslims Would Not Tolerate Multiculturalism in Islamic Countries
Leading Iranian academic Afshin Ellian has warned that cultural Marxist delusions of “multiculturalism” are a one-way street as left wing activist in the secular Christian nations of the west clamour for appeasement of Islamic extremists. Muslims in Europe oppress historic minorities in their own lands and have no intention of showing “tolerance”

Can Americans Overthrow The Evil That Rules Them?
The anti - establishment, anti - globalisation mood that manifested itself in the Brexit vote is sweeping across Europe, the cosy government - corporate cartel is desperately trying to control the narrative, but against the combined strength of millions of new media commentators all challenging the official; narrative, the dark forces of globalism are on the back foot.

Swedish Commentator: Migrants Enforcing Sharia Law, Bill Clinton ‘Evil’ For Wishing Same On U.S. Swedish writer and news commentator Ingrid Kristina Carlqvist, speaking on an internet radio station, said that Islamists and migrants "have already succeeded in introducing Sharia law to Sweden". Speaking to Breitbart London Editor-in-Chief Raheem Kassam, she explained that, because Swedish girls are becoming afraid to go to certain places where there have been rapes and attacks, key tenets of Islamic law are effectively being enforced.

The Difference In Voting For Hillbillary or Trump Is Only One Promises War With Russia
Essential reading for our american readers who must soon decide who they want as their next president. Important too for non Americans who cannot influence the outcome of the election but are entitled to know why their arses might be blown from here to eternity sometime in the next few years.

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