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Should Spending Cuts Hit The NHS?
As anticipation mounted about Chancellor George Osborne's emergency budget aimed at bringing the public sector spending deficit under control people were asking if budhgets for the National Health Service (NHS) would be cut. We can think of one area of the NHS where cutting the budget might improve matters...

Should The Cuts Hit The NHS?
by Ian R Thoepe
2010-06-20
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: budget, finance, economy, government, coalition, NHS, health, psychology, doctor, satire, humour, humor

Having slept quite late this morning, (well I woke up at a normalish time had a brew and then George Osborne appeared on the Andrew Marr show on television and sent me back to sleep,) awareness only kicked in when the talk show thingy, Big Question, was in progress. The main topic was how will the anticipated public spending cuts affect the NHS.

Somebody was banging on about how we need to spend much more on the NHS rather than cutting budgets. This person’s point (bear in mind I was only semi conscious) seemed to centre on the fact that people are going to see their GP because they want to talk about psychological problems and as GPs are not qualified in shrinkology every practice should have a resident psychotherapist to deal with the problems of mentalist patients.

If that sounds like a good idea to you WTF are you doing reading this blog, but apart from that there are a few things you should consider.

First; shrinks tend to be nuttier than their patients:
Second; people who are really mad never think they are mad and so will not go to the doctor about it:
Third; shrinks are much easier to fool than GPs, so it is easier to get put on Incapacity Benefit if you claim to have a mental problem.
Fourth; being disabled due to being a nutter does not stop anyone from playing football or golf, swimming, going for long walks, hang gliding or going to a ski resort and sliding down the black slopes on an inflatable elephant (the latter might actually enhance one’s claim to be totally stark raving bonkers in the head)
Clearly we do not need more shrinks in the NHS in fact apart from their salaries the extra shrinks would increase public spending by putting more people on higher levels of benefit.

All that is needed is for GPs to be given basic training in handling patients who claim to be mentally ill. The procedure would be very simple:

Say to the patient, “Good Morning Mr / Ms X, what seems to be the problem.”
If the patient says. “Its me ’ed Doctor, I fink I’m going mad. Life don’t seem worff living any more, most days I can hardly be arsed getting out of bed.” you response should be, “Well what do you want me to do about it, here’s a prescription for some barbiturates, a bottle of gin and a Radiohead record, now fuck off.
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