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Mozart Exposes Another Scientific Scam
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Mozart Exposes Another Scientific Scam
by Ian R Thorpe
2011-09-12
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS:mozart, classical, music, science, scientific, bogus, research, babies, pregmnant, women, foetus, liberal, intelligent, drugs, evidence, satire, humour, humor, ianrthorpe, ian thorpe

Playing Mozart to your unborn child will not boost your intelligence, new research has found. So if you have been playing Rondo A La Turk or Eine Kleine Nachtmusic up you wife or girlfriend's chuff tewnty-four/seven hoping it will improve your child's performance at school or turn said child into an infant genius who gets their first PhD at age seven, give the lass a break and let her listen to some Take That or Adele.

The so called "Mozart effect" was first introduced to the public's attention in 1993, when a "peer reviewed" study published in the prestigious and gobsmackingly pompous "scientific" journal Nature reported that fastening a set of speakers playing Mozart's 1781 sonata for two pianos in D major (KV 488) to a pregnant lady's belly with gaffer tape would lead to her having a super intelligent and preternaturally mature child. (OK I misrepresented that a bit for comic effect.) In fact the study showed that listening to classical music improved college students cognitive abilities compared with students who listed to other music or none at all.

Since then sales of Mozart CDs for children have become popular very popular among "Liberal" parents in the USA and Daily Mail readers in the UK. In 1998 the state of Georgia even gave every mother of a newborn baby a free classical music CD. It's no effing wonder then that kids are all hooked on Ketamine, Miaow miaow and Crystal Meth, are sexually degenerate and are out of the streets causing trouble. The burden of such expectations and the derogatory effect of classical music on the minds of people who want only to listen to Rage Against the Machine or the simian rapping of MC Kunty Kunt and the Misogynistic Kuntz.

Some of you will have noticed that I am seldom impressed by those who call themselves "scientists" and bang on about the "scientific method" as if a bunch of addle brained coneheads in white coats are the only human beings who are capable of working methodically. Accountants are, are they not, methodical? Bookies who lay bets on horse racing and other events are, are they not, methodical? Child murderers are, are they not, methodical in the way they stalk, groom, abduct and kill their selected victims and then cover up the evidence?

Although I said this was a properly set up and conducted experiment and study, carried out scientifically by science tits using science as usual the so called scientific method got in the way of the science tits seeing what was staring them in the fucking face, i.e. that people are different and react differently to stimuli.. The findings of the classical music study, met with scepticism in the neurological community (Mozart schmozart) and other studies failed to reproduce the results. And no wonder, those among you who are well informed may recall Alex, the murderous young thug who is the central character in A Clockwork Orange was a big fan of Beethoven. Anthony Burgess knew just what he was doing in creating that fictional device.

Now, to determine once and for all whether the Mozart effect really exists, psychologists from the University of Vienna have conducted a meta-analysis of the results of 40 different studies involving over 3000 people worldwide.

The researchers say their findings clearly demonstrate the Mozart effect is no more than a myth.

"I recommend listening to Mozart to everyone, but it will not meet expectations of boosting a person's cognitive abilities," said Dr Jakob Pietschnig, who led the study.

As The Daily Stirrer has said many times, science is not a method, a religion or a political position, it is "a formal and classified body of knowledge," (OED). Nor is it a branch of the dark arts like statistics. For a test to be scientific the conditions and results must always be the same. And babies, unscientific little fuckers that they are, have this frustrating knack of all being different.

Once again the purpose of a Daily Stirrer article on science is (apart from taking the piss out of cupid stunts who think they're scientists because they can't get laid) to demonstrate to people who have been brainwashed into believing science is an Almighty and omnipotent deity, that it isn't. On a scale of human activities graded by their contribution to the greater good, modern science ranks somewhere between selling used cars and operating Ponzi schemes.

(The Mozart effect was recently ranked sixth in the book '50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology', authored by psychologist Scott E. Lilienfield - Read more.)

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CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS:mozart, classical, music, science, scientific, bogus, research, babies, pregmnant, women, foetus, liberal, intelligent, drugs, evidence, satire, humour, humor, ianrthorpe, ian thorpe

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