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Comedy Cops Oust Plod.
Police chiefs have finally come clean and admitted their officers spend more time dealing with bureaucracy than chasing criminals. This exposes the ever improving crime statistics proclaimed by the previous government as a fraud. It was not jut that police were not investigating crimes, they wrre not even logging the calls. Boggart Blog reports on the bureaucracy of policing.

Comedy Coppers Oust P.C Plod
by Ian R Thorpe
2010-09-24
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: bureaucracy, police, crime, coppers, criminals, politically correct, management, statitics, hazard, satire, humour, humor

It was reassuring to see in the news earlier this week the Inspectorate of Constabulary, a fine body of men and women who sound as if they escaped from a Gilbert and Sullivan comic opera have finally admitted that local police forces (the comedy coppers) are so snowed under with important paperwork they have can't be arsed turning out to chase criminals. Citizens who have dialled 999 to report their houses being robbed, their kids being kidnapped or the neighbours being brutally murdered have been reporting for a long time the standard response from the police is a weary sigh, a promise to send someone round as soon as an officer is available and a stern reminder tat the 999 number is strictly for emergencies and you should never again waste their time with trivial matters. When someone eventually does "pop round" to the crime scene it will most likely be PCSO Tiny Littlebottom on his Raleigh Chopper and he, having no powers of arrest and no training in crime scene investigation will give you some leaflets on victim support counselling. For years police chiefs have strenuously denied that the force were more concerned with targets, statistics and budgets than with making the streets safe for DHWFS* Chief Superintendent Gripper Feltham of Slaghoughton Constabulary told a Boggart Blog reporter, "People don't understand how modern crime control works. We can't send round Dixon Of Dock Green to say "'ello, ello, ello, what 'ave we 'ere then" when a member of the public phones in a crime report. Nowadays governments require us to employ modern management and comply with health and safety at work regulations and employee rights legislation. Before we can investigate a crime we have to investigate the nature of the offence and define the scope and objectives of the project. Then there has to be a feasibility study, a resource planning exercise, the investigation project plan has to be costed and budgets allocated. Once we have done all that but before we can send a squad car round we have to complete a 95 page risk analysis showing whether the officers at the scene are likely to encounter rough terrain, hazardous materials, bad tempered dogs, naked flames, tropical diseases, or large, aggressive criminals wielding baseball bats with nails through the end. That done, we can then go ahead and assign officers to the case after they have been given a thorough psychological examination. It can be quite nasty out there on the streets and we don't want police personnel to be traumatized by the things they encounter. Only when we have done all we can to ensure the safety of our officers and avoid exposing the force to costly lawsuits can we afford to think about the safety of the public. The problem with the criminal classes you see is many of them tend to have a sociopathic mindset, they have no intention of trying to live like decent citizens and contributing to the community. Because of this negative attitude they are seldom prepared to hang around until we have worked through our management procedures. Then there is the question of unrealistic expectations among the public. People watch characters like Jack Bauer and Gene Hunt on television and they think real officers can behave like that. We can't though, we have to bear in mind that criminals have the same human rights as anybody else, more if they are members of ethnic, sexual or religious minorities, or have mental or physical disabilities or if they are supported by community organisers. I hope that helps your readers understand policing a modern society in no an easy matter. We are convinced our approach to fighting crime is the right one for the twenty first century. The wheels of bureaucracy may turn slowly but they grind exceeding fine as the old saying goes. So instead of people criticizing us for not catching the people who murdered their granny, stripped their house or hacked their computer and emptied the bank accounts I hope people will take comfort in the knowledge that our managed approach to policing means justice will eventually catch up with the perpetrators of serious crimes when they overstay their time on a parking meter, break the speed limit or talk too loudly in a public space. *Decent Hard Working Folks. RELATED POSTS:
Stupid Criminal Of The MonthYou can't help loving stupid criminals. They don't do much harm and provide us with endless enetrtainment. Here's an example from our Stupid Criminal Of The Month Series
Authoritarian Box TickingAmong the things that have alienated people from the Labour party apart from general incompetence, is their arrogant and patronising conviction the public are ready to believe anything the government tells them so long as it is dressed up in statistics and delivered by some fresh faced, smooth talking Labour spinmeister. Their bureaucratic dictatorship is very like the authoritarian regime of Orwell's 1984.
Burglary For DummiesBoggart Blog occasionally gives an award to the Stupid Criminal Of The Week. We do this to try to highlight to aspiriring young criminals the importance of working hard and paying attention in school if they hope to have a successful career in crime. Too many people think of crime as a soft option career wise, there are no degree - entry restrictions or difficult apprenticeships. This story however shows a career in crime is not for dummies.
Another Stupid Criminal Story
Childhood Drinking Put Us On The Slippery SlopeWill the odd sip of wine or beer from the parents glass for young children or a small glass of watered wine or lemonade shandy for older ones lead to moral decrepitude, alcoholism, living in a carboard box and early death as a government survey claims or will children included in this adult activity develop a heathier attitude to drink. Give us traditional values over the new politically correct morality any time.
Ello ello ello, whose engine is running 'ere thenThe crazier a law is the more enthusiastic the police will be in enforcing it. Report a murder, robbery or gand fight and the boys in blue will turn up two days later to give out leaflets on victim counselling but go 1mph over the spped limit and they're like mustard. Escalastor crime increasesAs concerns grow about crime and anti-social behaviour among young people we not a trent of rising violence among mechanical street furniture. Is this the end of civilisation as we know it. Has the rule of law finally given way to the tyranny of bureaucracy?
Is He Brain DeadNot all footballers are thick, some are highly intelligent, articulate, witty and well read. But who gives a flying f*ck about them. We like the dimwits especially if they are funny like the guy in this story.
Government By Organized CrimeImagine a powrerful nation run by people with the moral compass of The Mafia. Imagine a government that prioritizes eliminating its opponents over sorting out the economy. Imagine a government that tries to sort out the economy by handing sweetners to its supporters in organised crime...
Government By Fear And PanicThe more the Government try to control people through fear and panic the more sceptical people get. Read about the latest installment in this post Psycho Benefit Fraud
Knife Crime - Missing The Point
Police Statistics Prove Scatisticians Are Innumerate

The Drug Dealer (comic verse)A news slant on the old folk song The Wild Rover

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