Meet Roxxxy The Totally Unconvincing Robot Fuck Buddy
by Ian R Thorpe
As most readers of Boggart Blog will know by know I have little respect for the people who style themselves scientists, and why should I? Far too many of them appear to be batshit crazy sociopathic psychopaths who want to turn my steak into a laboratory grown dollop of grey goo coloured with beetroot juice, crossbreed my favourite apples with shrimps, turn my sporty hatchback with it's gratifyingly snorty engine note into a glorified milk float with metallic paint, take the alcohol out of my beer, wine and whisky, implant processors in my brain so the government can control my thoughts, ensure my grandchildren are half human, half potato, and replace my beautiful, sexy, spontaneous, capricious, feisty, fascinating lover with a robot fuck buddy.
And don't get me started on Brian Fucking Cox and his fantasies about finding life on planets many light years away. We can't expect intelligence from someone who was involved in making a record like Things Can Only Get Better but he could at least have the decency to disappear like that bloke from the manic street preachers did. Or screw up one of his experiments and teleport himself to the nth dimension.
It seems to be the the rule however that the craziest, most pointless, most idiotic ideas are the ones scientists find the hardest to give up. Thus is is that every few months the totally crap idea that by 2050 we will all be in meaningful relationships with robots.
Now if the coneheads want to shag robots fair play to them, no real woman is likely to want to bed a boring nerd who talks about science all the time, has the dress sense of a bag lady, personal hygiene issues and who thinks it is kewel to drive a G-Wiz. But why do they insist we must all want to bonk a battery powered prozzer. And why do they insist that we should invest a lot of taxpayers money in developing something so hideous to look at, so unconvincing that not even an adolescent Labrador Puppy would want to hump it. You don't believe me?
Meet Roxxxy with a triple XXX, the latest attempt to develop a sex robot that will turn men away from real women forever. The fact that all these sex robots are vaguely feminine looking and resemble the famous sex dolls (with ever open lips and legs) advertised for years in top shelf magazines tell us all we need to know about the nerds who want research grants for developing robot fuck buddies. Depending on your point of view or degree of desperation, Roxxxy is either "at the cutting edge of the human-robot interface technology", or a modern reflection on many men's difficulties in relating to real-life partners.
While sex aids are nothing new, what makes Roxxxy different is that "we've taken artificial intelligence" and "combined it with a human form," says creator Douglas Hines of TC Systems and True Companion, the company that developed Roxxxy. Human like he said, hmmmm, how human like. The one in our picture has the same gaping lips and the same "Realistic Hair" as those ads in top shelf magazines promised? Come to think of it, those dolls, which could also also be bought from sex shops, had vibrating vaginas. Who needs Artificial Intelligence when you can have an inflatable doll with a vibrating vagina for a fraction of the price?
Of course, humanoid robots have been the stuff of science fiction for decades - ever since Fritz Lang's 1927 film Metropolis, or Isaac Asimov's I, Robot stories.
The gap between what is robotic and mechanical and what's human-like will minimise” says Douglas Hines. Such robots would be a "terrific service" for mankind, he argued. Really? How many men are there out in the streets who regularly get the knock back from prostitutes we wonder? Or who perhaps are so autistic they can only talk to machines.
If you like to play the stock markets, don't invest in TC Systems because while Hines may have found the love of his life in the monstrosity that is Roxxxy, the reality is somewhat more clunky.
Walking robots currently have little commercial value - they are expensive and are prone to falling over if they required to perform (oops, pardon) on anything other than a perfectly flat surface. But isn't Roxxxy a lying down robot, you might well ask. OK, yeah, but is their a difference between a lying down robot and a shop window mannequin?
One of the best of the robot fuck buddy bunch is Japan's all singing and dancing female robot, HRP-4C, from the National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology (AIST). Unfortunately she has a very short battery life - they only last for about 20 minutes, enough for a rather impressive dancing routine from HRP-4C says the team, but for little else. Not much chance of foreplay then.
"One practical application for biped humanoid robots is the entertainment industry," says AIST "provided the robots can move very realistically like humans." A pole dancer who moves like R2D2 however would probably not make much in tips.
In 2007, the British chess player and artificial intelligence (AI) expert David Levy said in his book, Love and Sex with Robots, we would be having sex with robots in five years - and be capable of falling in love with them within 40 years. Hmmm again. It's 2013 now, how many Amourous Android knocking shops have opened up across the country.
Ah well, top class chess players have always been wankers ... like scientists.
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