God's Blog #1 What's In A Name
by Ian R Thorpe
12 September 2009
"There are two kinds of people," Napoleon Bonepart said, "sheep and goats." Sheep, he explained, are stupid and have to be driven while Goats are intelligent and can be led. I always had plenty of time for Boney, he was a smart boy and never involved my name in his schemes. Of course I thought of the sheep and goats thing first, nothing you humans do is original. Why do you think Bishops have those hooked Shepherds' sticks. Its because religion is for sheep.
You must know the kind of people I mean, when you look into their eyes the lights are on but there's nobody home. If you go up to a bunch of sheep people and say "hey, that hill looks interesting, let's climb it and see what's at the top," they will answer "yeah, OK." And then they will stand around with those expressions on their faces that woulld be inscrutible if there was anything to scrute.
So half an hour later you say "well are we going to get moving then?" and they will say "OK, but we don't know how to climb hills, we're sheep, we eat grass. You will have to show us how to climb hills."
Then you have two options. You can carry the sheep up the hill one at a time or you can get a couple of sheepdogs to chase them while you run behind hitting strays and laggards with your hooked stick.
Actually there ought to be a third option, to remind the sheep that sheep make very good mutton stew or meat pies but try that and the sheep would only say "we don't know anything about mutton stew or meat pies, you will have to show us." Which explains why so many sheep end up as mutton stew or meat pies.
That may all seem very cruel but its the only way to get things done with sheep, trust me. (Mrs God just reminded me that a sheep provided this heavenly sweater I'm wearing.) Anyway, that sort of thing never happens with goats, a goatherd never even has to say "hey why not climb that hill?" Just turn the goat loose near a hill and because it is intelligent it will be curious and want to know what is on the other side of the hill.
Goats are not half so much work as sheep, at least not until its time to bring them home for milking, then you can never find the buggers. There is an old African proverb, "to not know is bad, to not want to know is unforgivable." Which says it all about sheep really, so you can enjoy your mutton stew without feeling guilty.
Let's extend the analogy. I like extending analogies because it shows anything is possible for Me even if a lot of things are not probable.
Think of preachers as shepherds and Me as a goatherd. I'll let you into a secret about preachers; sooner or later they all think they are Me. They tell their congregation "God wants you to do this or that" but they really mean "I want you to do this or that." They all have hidden agendas. Preachers like to work with sheep. Goats ask too many questions, sheep will believe anything you tell them. Me, I like working with goats, I'll tell you why.
Youse think you are the only thing I've got to bother about. Along you come, nyah, nyha,nyha Dagda, there's a famine, help us please for we are your children. Nhya, nhya, nhya, Dagda, there's a flood, help us please for we are your children. Nhya, nhya, nhya Dagda there's a plague. Well why should I give a flying fuck. Do you see grown up bears and gron up lions following their parents about. No, the parents give them life and protect them while they're vulnerable, they they tell the young to fuck off. OK, so I'm the great father of all things. The trouble wit' youse is you think that means I have to wipe your shitty litle arses for you for all eternity. Feck that, I've a hundred billion galaxies each with a hundred billion stars in them to think about. Thats erm... a hundred billion times a hundred billion times... that a fecking lot of potentially life supporting planets. Some are populated by dying races of technologically advanced lifeforms, some are just evolving the first single cell life forms. And yose want me to find time to wipe your shitty arses for you?
Look, I know it seems harsh but life owes you nothing. Things are the way they are because that's the way they are. Great father of all things doesn't mean I'm yer Da' giving out pocket money and taking you to the football. I just started things off, I'm the life force like. So stop thinking of me as your protector and best mate. See, I'm called Dagda, the good, not because I'm a nice bloke but because I'm good as what I do. This mainly involves shagging goddesses, giving gifts like fire to primitive life forms and banjaxing enemies with a club made from the trunk of a full grown ash tree.
Now do you understand? Right, stop acting like a bunch of sheep. Think for yourselves like goats. Now feck off.
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