Ian R Thorpe
2008-04-12
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non - commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: education, immigrants, immigration, english, humour, humor, satire
A Polish digital television channel provinding education programmes, TVN Lingua, plans to include the Big Brother series that featured Jade Goody in a series aimed at teaching English as a ‘living language’ to help new migrants integrate.
Most people arrivng from Poland speak English very well, if a litle stiffly. So will the Jadeish project help. Imagine how a conversation with a plumber might go next year.
-- Hello, thanks for coming round. My boiler had a leak.
-- Yer wha’. Yer old lady pissed, yer joking me ain’cha? Wha’cha wan’ me ter do abaht it?
-- You misunderstand, my gas boiler, it’s part of the heating system.
-- Aww, yer mean yer geyser. Sorry I’m a bit fick. Wha’ sor’ is it?
-- Its a Rio, I think.
-- Like that footballer Rio di Janiero? Big lips, long legs?
-- No, like a white metal box with switches and dials and lots of gubbins inside. It stands on the floor.
-- Gubbins eh? Nah yer talkin’ my lingo, I’m a techhwossname innit? Let’s ‘ave a butchers.
-- Its in the kitchen, this way please.
-- Nice arse.
-- Pardon? I’m not up for making porn films if that’s what you’re thinking.
-- Naw, its a nice arse wo’cha live in, ‘spensive was it? They goes for a fortune rahnd this end o’ tahn.
-- Oh, I see. yes it was quite pricey, we could never have afforded it without my husband’s inheritance. Even so, the mortgage is a stretch.
-- None o’ my business, sorry. Don’cha go finkin’ I’m the type tha’d stick the price up if I forwert you was well minted. I just meant ’s worf payin’ frew the nose if yer ain’t go’ the pakis next door eh?
-- Look I really find racist language quite offensive, could you get on with fixing the boiler please?
-- Righ’. Me mum awzws sez I gab too much. Go’ a big gob see. Le’’s ‘av a look at this bleeder then.
(He bends to the boiler and farts loudly.)
-- Whoops, shu’n’t of ‘ad that extra chilli kebab las’ night. ‘ere, good job yer boiler was switched off eh, we could of started a noocular explosion. Them chilli kebabs is leathal. Now wha’ we got ‘ere?
(He sucks breath noisily between his teeth.) Ooh, yer got a problem here awight, gonna be pricey that.
-- Is my pipe blocked
-- Dunno love, but if it is I reckons a couple of pints of Guinness is as good as anythink, ge’cha moving a treat. Boiler’s knackered though, you’ll need a new gubbins.