Apprentice Prime Minister
A helicopter swoops over London. Inside Sir Alan Sugar shuffles piles of papers.
Cut to a montage of shots of the candidates, talking, laughing, grimacing, in the boardroom, walking away with their wheeled suitcases.
The helicopter lands on a lawn. Surralan emerges buttoning his jacket.
Cut to shot of 10 Downing Street.
Cut to Surralan being ushered in through the back door.
Title music fades away.
Surralan enters and takes up his position between his two trusty advisers.
In the outer office the phone buzzes. The receptionist answers, listens, replaces the receiver and then tells the nervous looking contestants,
"Surralan will see you now."
They stand up, straighten ties, smooth skirts and file into the boardroom.
They split into their two teams, Tories to the right, Labour to the left.
Surralan: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
Contestants: Good afternoon Surralan.
SA: So this week's task.
Gordon, you elected yourself to be team leader of the Labour party. Again. Was this a good task for you?
GB: Look Surralan, this is a difficult time for all of us. I am the man to lead the team through these difficult...
The other team members start speaking over Gordon.
"You dither too much....
"You spend too much time on YouTube..."
"You are a bully, you won't let anyone else have a go..."
"You run a two tier government..."
Surraln looks on, bemused.
SA: Alright alright. That's enough.
David , you were team leader for the Tories.
Was he a good team leader, George?
GO: Yes, Surralan, he was a good team leader. He stood up, took control, showed his authority.
Some people didn't like some of the decisions, but Dave dealt with everybody honestly and fairly, and I think that showed in the public's response to us.
The other team members nod their agreement.
SA: Good. Now let's find out how the teams did this week.
The task was to handle the expenses crisis in the run up to local and European elections.
The public voted on Thursday. How did the Tories do, Margaret.
MM: Well Surralan, as had been predicted in our opinion polls, the Tories appear to have handled the expenses scandal exceptionally well, despite the moats and duckponds, and they managed to gain 265 seats in the local elections.
The Tories, turn to each other and smile, nod, shake hands. They sit back looking pleased and relaxed.
SA: Now Nick, how about Labour?
NICK: Well, again as predicted in the opinion polls, Labour didn't do very well at all, they managed to lose 305 seats. They also fell to third place behind the Liberal Democrats.
There are gasps from the team mebers, who sit back stunned.
The Tories share another round of smiles.
Gordon Brown forces a rictus grin across his face.
SA: So congratulations to the Tories, you will of course enjoy a reward.
We've lined up an all expenses paid day at Ascot races for you, where you'll be admitted to the Royal enclosure.
Tories: Thank-you Surralan.
They stand and leave the room, smiling and grinning.
Surralan swivels on his chair. He rubs his face with his hand.
The Labour party looks uncomfortable.
Gordon is still grinning.
SA: Gordon, do you really think your are the man to lead the Labour party?
As I understand it, two of your team walked out earlier in the week. One of them said she wanted to spend more time on politics!
GB: If I didn't think I was the right person, leading the right team I would not be sitting here.
James P: I am not alone in thinking that you are doing more harm than good to our party, Mr. Brown. You should step down now. I'll show you how it's done.
He stands up and leaves the room.
SA: Does anyone else feel like that, if so you had better go now.
Carolyn F: I think that was a terrible thing to do. I give Gordon my full backing.
SA: Have you done now?
Gordon who would you like to bring back in with you?
GB. I think a lot of the responsibility for this mess lies with the Chancellor.
AD: You're not dragging me into it matey. You have insisted that I continue with your policies and you have blocked me when I wanted to downgrade your rather optimistic figures for the economy.
There's no way I'm coming back in this room with you. I'm staying as Chancellor, like it or not!
GB: Erm, well in that case, Carolyn...
CF: What. I can't believe you. Here I am willing to support you and you just keep me sidelined. You won't let me into your inner circle, you prefer to keep that to your fotball daft, male cronies.
There's no way I'm supporting you now. I resign.
SA: Oh dear. Is there going to be anyone left to come back in with you?
You're not very good at man-mangement are you?
GB: Surralan, I have a vision for this country...
SA: I keep hearing about this bloody vision. You've been banging on about your vision all through the series. Isn't it about time we started seeing something coming out of your vision?
GB: Surralan, the financial crisis is a global financial crisis. It started off in America. It wasn't anything to do with me. But I am the man the country is looking to to lead them out of recession...
SA: So you keep saying but what are you actually doing?
You brought in the scrappage allowance to help the motor industry, but sales of new cars fell again last month.
You've used millions upon millions of taxpayer's pounds to rescue failing banks, and then you broker a deal for the majority state owned Lloyds TSB to buy HBOS without finding out about the hideaous amount of debt they were carrying.
You were aware of the abuses of the MPs allowance system, yet you did nothing to curb those abuses or to bring about reform, until the Daily Telegraph started running its story.
Even then you failed to take decisive action until after your rival, David Cameron, had stated what he was going to do.
It looks like you don't have any of your own ideas...
GB: Surralan, if I can just say the expenses scandal is not my fault. That all started off with Mrs Thatcher and Tony Blair.
Nobody broke the rules.
The media have blown it up out of all proportion.
But I am the man the public is looking to, to clean up politics.
I will not waver. I will not walk away. I will get on with the job.
SA: Gawd give me strength, you just don't get it do you?
However in view of the fact that at least 8 members of your team have walked out in the last week and we still have the European election results to come I'm going to send you back to the flat until Monday.
Use the time to think about the mess you are in, your party is in. You need to consider whether you are a good leader and whether your team think you are a good leader.
You need to come back here on Monday and you'd better have something positive to show me, otherwise Gordon, you WILL be fired.
Gordan stands and leaves the room with his few remaining supporters. His shoulders are slumped, his head hangs down.
Surralan watches him go, swivelling in his chair and rubbing his face with his hand.
Closing music and fade to credits.
Apprentice Speak: Talking Corporate Bollocks.
As the government tried to sell off last year's stock of swine flu by telling us the pandemic that did not happen last year had come back to not happen again this year. There is a pandemic running round at the moment though as evidenced by this year's UK run of The Appentice on television. If Lord Sugar's candidates were as good at getting things done as they are at talking management spek bollocks he's be on a winner.
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