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Ascot Follies
KEYWORDS: Horse Racing, Ascot,humour,humor,satire,sport

Horses know they have no manners and they jusdt don't care. This freedom from inhibition was the cause of an extraordinaruy incident in 2005 when the Royal Ascot meeeting (transferred to York due to rebuilding) was taking place. The normal horse racing activities of betting, boozing and socialising gave way to an explosion of mirth when one of the horses got excited.

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Ascot Follies ( horse racing )
by Ian R Thorpe

Posted: 2005-06-16 - 19:43:12

Horses know they have no manners and they just don't care.

Preparations for the 4:20 race at Royal Ascot (transferred to York) yesterday were disrupted when favourite Eden Rock got his dick out during the pre - race parade. Now we are not talking about some gelding politely getting enough out to enable him to have a waz in comfort, but an excited stallion with a full erection., a good two feet or more of equine schlong was swinging wildly from side to side endangering life and limb as he trotted round the parade ring oblivious to the consternation he was causing. All this of course was going on in close proximity to our dear Queen, God Bless Her.

Just moving aside for a moment, if any human males are feeling inadequate I should point out that a racehorse has about seven times the body mass of an average sized adult male, so work that out and you will see that far from wishing to be "hung like a stallion" we can curl our lip and sneer "puh!"

Back to Ascot (in York.)

Horse racing is the only sport I take an interest in these days, the drug - fuelled, avaricious prima donnas who compete for obscene amounts of money in other sports only deserve attention when caught in compromising positions with ladies of negotiable affection. In racing though, no matter how venal and mercenary the trainers and jockeys may be, the horses are noble and brave and untainted (even when they get their dicks out in public.) These wonderful creatures give their all and sometimes more than their all, in return for a bucket of oats and molasses, a pat on the neck and the freedom to get their dicks out at inappropriate times or to defecate at will (all over him in fact if he is not quick on his feet.)

Having been both a member of a racing syndicate that had some good winners, and an owner of horses as pets I sometimes get the impression that horses are smarter than we give them credit for. There was a steeple chaser about ten years ago called Vodkatini that must have had some appreciation of mathematics because he worked out that in the long distance races the runners came back to the same spot. So at the off Vodkatini would plant his feet and refuse to budge until the rest had gone round the course. Then he would join in for the second circuit.

One of our syndicate's horses was of similar intelligence, he worked out that the job was a lot easier without a jockey on board so he would run like a donkey and jump like a housebrick until he got rid of his rider at which point he would suddenly become a wonder horse.

Royal Ascot is not about racing in that sense of course. At my level a sense of humour was as important as bottomless pockets and incurable optimism. Ascot is about ostentatious displays of wealth and status. In the parade of women in silly hats and men with silly suits and sillier accents though bottomless pockets are as much in evidence as bottomless totty (don't you hate this Atkins diet stuff? What happened to proper ladies?) the main competition is between the old landed gentry and the "new money" to find who can be most obnoxious. Nigel Wright - Farquhar and Darren Chavver may appear to be best mates as they swill overpriced champagne, but they despise each other and what is going on is a duel to establish superiority by sneering most offensively at people less fortunate but much finer than they are.

The only sense of humour on display was Eden Rock, who seemed to be saying with exquisite irony as he paraded before the crown "hey everyone, look around. This is not the biggest dick on display here."

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