THE HEALTH OF THE NATION
Jim Fitton was a surgeon's mate, a humble artisan,
Success, fame and glory was not part of his plan.
He was content to clean the tools and mop up all the blood
While the great and good of medicine took the cash and knighthoods
But when the government in its wisdom (or an economic crisis)
Decided to run hospitals on a more commercial basis
To give the patients better choice, make room for enterprise,
Jim thought "Now here's a chance to make a few quid on the side.
Plasterers' mates and Plumbers' mates learn tricks of their trade
And do foreigners to make some cash the taxman cannot raid,
So why should a surgeon's mate like me not also have a go"
He put an advert on a postcard in the newsagents window.
The front room was converted to a makeshift surgery.
There were no forms or magazines, waiting lists or VAT
Just a borrowed bag of surgeon's tools from the Hospital stockroom.
Word spread and all the neighbourhood took their pains to Jim.
It started in a small way with verrukas, boils, whitlows
Operating on ingrown toenails, reshaping the odd nose
But soon his reputation grew and he was asked to quote a fee
For performing amputations and an appendectomy.
Jim knew his limitations and where his talents lay
So he recruited an assistant, a young man from Bombay
Who became the technical expert leaving Jim with more time spare
To work on sales promotions for which he had a flair.
They moved, first to the garage then a shop in the High Street,
With a sign, J Fitton Limited, Operations While You Wait
The service was spread nationally through Sunday press small ads
Placed between the latex underwear and undetectable wigs.
Demand was overwhelming,but a Merchant Bank was keen
To back the launch of ten new branches and an easy payment scheme.
Inside a year Jim had a clinic in every major town
Where surgery could be obtained for twenty five pounds down.
Jim knew their was just one way to build on his success
So with connivance from the treasury he bought the NHS
This saved so much Government money they abolished income tax
and promised Jim the just reward for his patriotic acts.
When in the New Years honours list he received his barony
His title was Lord Fitton of the Hysterectomy.
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