A television studio set of a panel game. four panellists are arranged in pairs on either side of the host, Stephen Fry.
Stephen Fry:
A very good evening and welcome one and all to Q.E. the panel game about Quantitative Easing and other aspects of the financial crisis that have led to recession and possibly the end of civilisation as we know it. This is a show similar to QI in many ways in that I ask incredibly difficult questions about the collapse of the global economy so the panel can give excruciatingly incorrect answers. I then correct them in a smug and patronising yet simultaneously witty and charming way only a national treasure like myself could possibly carry off.
It matters not though that our panel are seldom able to give the correct answer as nobody truly knows what the correct answer is so we give them points for being Quite Entertaining which is a form or Quantitative Easing for the stressed out spirit.
Well now that everybody is totally confused about what is going on I shall introduce the panel. On my left we have The Politicians, a dour, curmudegeonly Scot to whom we shall refer as The DCS and a Tory Posh Boy (though obviously he is not as posh as me) who shall go by the monicker of TPB.
Over on my right meanwhile, straining at the leash as they wait to dive into the fray we have The Entertainers, a Working Class Dolt or WCD for short…
WCD:
That’s a bit like WMD innit? WCD, that could be weapon of complete destruction. I like that.
SF:
That is Quite Entertaining so you can have a point. It is I however who shall be the Weapon Of Complete destruction as I make you all look ridiculous. And speaking of looking ridiculous, completing the line up tonight our final panellist is the woman with the biggest tits in Britain; Katie Price. And now the formalities are done with let us move to the first question. Who or what is to blame for the credit crunch?
WCD:
Yeah, I know this. It was Oscar Wilde. (bells ring, sirens wail and a chorus of Flash Bang Wallop What A Picture plays.)
SF:
No, no, no, oh dear me no. In this game you should not give the obvious answer because nothing is ever what it seems to be. No it was not Oscar Wilde, a character portrayed with no little excellence by myself in a film some years ago I might add.
WCD:
Samuel Johnson, George Bernard Shaw, Shakespeare, Winston Churchill?
SF:
Unfortunately it was not Samuel Johnson, George Bernard Shaw or indeed any of the usual suspects. When an inquisitor asks for the originator of a particular epigram it is always a good idea to answer Wilde of Shaw. The point you missed though is the credit crunch is not an epigram but a sobriquet for the collapse of confidence in the global banking system.
DCS:
Aye och aye, it was the last Tory government.
TPB:
What ho chaps and chapesses; It was the Dour Curmudgeonly Scot on my right, Absoluteleah yah?
SF:
You all lose points for not being entertaining.
Katie Price:
I got the biggest tits in Britain.
SF:
That’s very nice for you Katie but I hardly think it is the cause of the credit crunch.
WCD:
It might be, right. If the Sun and Nuts and all that lot paid Katie per inch for the amount of busty tissue she was getting out cos they knew the more she got out the more copies they’d sell if could have led to all the blokes in the world maxing out their credit cars to see more of Katie’s boobs.
SF:
Total nonsense but very entertaining. Have some points.
TPB:
It was the ban on foxhunting.
SF:
Why, how did the ban on inbred idiots like you molesting small furry animals cause the credit crunch you inbred idiot?
TPB:
No idea but it did. I said so and I’m posher than you.
DCS:
I know, och aye. It was that fat tongued idiot Jamie Oliver and his healthy school dinners. Mt predecessor Tony (hack – phut) Blair let the fool loose with school dinners budgets and instead of feeding little cavs on turkey twizzlers and monster munch that they enjoy he was giving them cous cous that costs a fortune and they hate.
SF:
A cous cous conspiracy. That’s quite entertaining but completely wrong.
TPB:
I say you chaps, it was caused by the Bee Colonies dying. (Bells ring, Sirens wail and a chorus of The Bee Gee’s Stayin’ Alive plays)
SF:
Oh dear, we knew somebody would say the decline of the Bee population was to blame but it is not right. The decline of the bee population is a problem as bees are responsible for pollinating many important food crops but I’m afraid they are not involved in pollinating the global economy.
WCD:
Did you know Bees invented radar.
TPB:
Two bees featured on the logo of Bradford and Bingley Mortgage Banks and the credit crunch started when they went bankrupt.
WCD:
My uncle had his savings in Bradford and Bingley. When they went bankrupt he lost the lot. It stressed him out so much he had an attack of hives.
SF:
That’s very entertaining, you can have five points.
Katie Price:
Ashley, the credit crunch was caused when the so called sub prime mortgage market in Britain and the USA was revealed as a glorified Ponzi scheme. Bad loans made to clients lacking the means to repay were collateralised by over-valuing poor quality properties. Eventually the overvaluation of assets to provide collateral for loans reached such ridiculous levels the banks lost confidence in the collateralised debt obligation they were trading, realising that such derivatives were not underwritten by real, negotiable assets.
SF:
That’s amazing Katie, you’re absolutely right, but who is Ashley? Moving on to the next question, what is the biggest thing in the solar system?
WCD:
A Blue Whale. (Bells ring, trumpets blare and the theme from Jaws plays.
SF:
Oh no, you always fall for it, it isn’t a Blue Whale.
WCD:
It’s a very big Blue Whale that is swimming through space with The Universe balanced on its back.
SF:
Not, that’s a turtle you are thinking of. Lose all your points.
WCD:
You know in The Bible right? It says a whale swallowed that bloke Jonah. Well a Blue Whale can’t swallow anything bigger than a grapefruit so Jonah must have been a dwarf.
SF:
Very good, that is quite entertaining, you can have back half the points you just lost. Anyone got an answer? What is the biggest thing in the solar system.
Katie Price:
Ashley it’s me tits.
SF:
I’m sorry Katie, I don’t want to destroy your self esteem but there are much bigger things in The Solar System than your tits although a Blue Whale could not swallow either of them let alone both.
DCS:
This is easy, it’s the Labour majority in Parliament. (Bells ring, foghorns hoot and a chorus of The Red Flag plays)
SF: No.
TPB:
Easy peasy lemon squeezy. The Sun. (bells ring, a lone wolf howls and a chorus of The Sun Has Got His Hat On is played.)
SF: Absolutely wrong and very obvious. You will have to be more entertaining than that.
Katie Price:
Ashley it’s the total indebtedness of the American nation, not the annual trade deficit, not even the national debt but the total indebtedness of every household, business, non commercial organisation and government department. It currently stands at $63.7 trillion and if you stacked up 63.7 trillion dollar bills they would reach further into the sky than me tits do when I lie on be back.
SF:
Absolutely right Katie but don’t call me Ashley, it isn’t my name.
Katie Price:
I know you’re called Stephen Ashley.
SF:
No, I’m called Stephen Fry actu… oh I see. Apologies. Anyone able to tell me what a trillion dollars is?
WCD:
The amount what Katie has insured her tits for?
Katie:
Gerrahtofit. Those is priceless.
SF:
They would be if you had them amputated but on to the final question. If the government’s Quantitative Easing policy fails what could possibly solve the global crisis?
DCS:
Och aye, copy everything Barack Obama does
TPB:
OK yah, we can bet The Crown Jewels on Kauto Star to win The Gold Cup again next year.
WCD:
Start printing money.
Rob a few banks.
Ask Vince Cable.
SF:
All wrong except for the one about Vince Cable but he isn’t here. Everybody loses all their points.
DCS:
Aye but ye see Mr. Fry…
WCD:
You sound like a Bond villain, ye see Mr. Bond nobody can stop me because I control all the porridge in the world.
DCS:
Ye see Stephen Quantitative Easing cannae fail because transferring toxic assets to the taxpayer will free the banks to restart lending at usurious rates to people who have no jobs, no income and no means to repay the loan except by borrowing more, using the toxic assets they hold as collateral.
TPB:
OK yah, my party would reintroduce slavery. There has never been a successful economy that was not based on slavery.
Katie Price:
The Tory Posh boy is not living on Planet Reality and the Dour Curmudgeonly Scot has lost the plot, what he is proposing is just a repetition of the debt fuelled boom that got us into the mess. We must first address the deep flaws in the system used to move money around the world by introducing strict but fair and transparent regulation then the banks can be held accountable for their malfeasance. Secondly the government must be willing to let banks fail rather than throwing taxpayers money at them. It is sufficient to underwrite clients’ savings. Bail outs and stimuli are simply a reward for failure. Third we must buy up houses with serious mortgage arrears due to the mis-selling of mortgages. By doing that we can allow people to stay in the homes they have made for themselves. Finally we must close tax loopholes which make it profitable to import from China good that could be made here. A system that exports British jobs and punishes local enterprise is insanity.
SF:
Absolutely right. Katie Price, for a former glamour model with the biggest tits found anywhere except in a prize dairy her you astound me.
Katie:
Of course I do because…
(she rips off her prosthetic breasts and tears away the false skin that has covered her face)
I’m not Katie Price at all, I’m really Vince Cable, the only personb in politics who saw the crash coming.
***
