"Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind." - Albert Einstein
Einstein was a cunt - Mohandas K Gandhi
- Eammon de Valera
- Guiseppe Garibaldi
- Nelson Mandela
- Daniel O'Connel
- Oliver Cromwell
- August Sandino
- and many others (Hitler did not invent nationalism)

A Koala Is For Life Not Just For Christmas. If you want to make a loved one very happy this Christmas, forget all the usual presents, wine, a gift token, tacky sweaters or T shirts, exotic lingerie (unless you're buying it for a man - if he's into wearing lingerie something from Agent Provocateur or Victoria's Secret will make him very happy) flashing Stana dolls and all the usual rubbish. You can get a really original gift that anybody would love by adoping a Koala on behalf of your friend or relative.

Koala's are cute, cuddly and totally lovable, who could resist one. Well even though the publicity omits to mention the poo and the fleas with which the tree dwelling marsupials are often infected there are other drawbacks. First the Koala has to stay in Australia and then it is not just a one off payment but $US40 per year. And as Koalas all tend to look the same how would anyone know which is theirs if they travelled to Australia to visit it?

Hmm, perhaps it would be best to stick with Agent Provocateur for your dear one. Especially if his name is Bruce or Kevin. (story: Reuters)

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Reassuring Scotland

The Scots accent has come top in a poll of the most reassuring voices to hear in times of emergency. The Royal National Lifeboat Institute (RNLI) who you would think had better things to do, conducted a survey asking 2,000 people which accent is most soothing in a crisis. Scots received almost a fifth of votes, beating Geordie, Irish and Welsh. Estuary English, spoken in the Thames area, came second with 15 per cent.

We find this rather strange. OK, those stories about Scotsmen throwing a line to someone drowning in a lake and then chrging them £5 for use of the rope are just tired old jokes but in dire straits surely we would be equally reassured to hear any human voice.

On the other hand if you are choking on a mouthful of bread and meat in the Edinburgh branch of MacBurgers you would, would you not, want somebody to perform the heimlich Manouvre rather than saying in a reassuring voice, "You'll no be wanting fries wi' that then Jimmy."

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Carla's Corner for the silliest gifts.

From Greenteeth's friend Carla Dodd. I’m delighted to bring you some fun, unique gift ideas for your Christmas list and beyond. I’ve recently opened a new store at Café Press called Carla’s Corner (www.cafepress.com/carlascorner) with shirts, mugs, greeting and note cards, tote bags, and shirts of all sizes.

Here are a few samples:
“Frostafarian” snowman complete with stocking cap and dreadlocks
Grownup humor for babies, including “I’m at the grownups table and you’re not”
Cute ideas for kids: snowgirls, Christmas trees, and slogans
Designated driver t-shirts to honor the person who keeps you safe
Gifts for the wine lover, the cat lover, and the computer systems guy
Humor for women of all sizes
“Fiftylicious” shirts for those celebrating half a century
…much more at the shop!

"I am truly thankful this holiday season to take a longtime hobby and turn it into a business with an excellent company like Café Press. Thanks to all of you for your encouragement, support, and friendship in the past and present."

Dread Snowman sounds great but he can't compete with the novelty toy in our house, Uncle Windy The Farting Gnome. He has a movement sensor to control his fart-noise generator so we stand him in the hallway and when anyone passes he rips one off for them. What a pity smells can't be digitized but good luck to Carla with her venture.

Please take a look at Carla’s Corner, and e-mail the address to your friends. You'll be helping a fun person.

Keywords: Christmas gift snowman humour humor

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Healthy hand Relief?

Sydney brothels are passing off sex acts as therapy and billing health insurers. The fraud was uncovered after insurers investigated a newspaper advert offering a “young attractive masseuse with a health fund rebate”. It is not yet clear if criminal charges will be bought against those involved.

The brothel keepers were a bit unwise we feel to mention the young attractive masseuse. In Britain both brothels and car repair shops advertise "full service."

On the other hand if the advertising was more vague you could have problems if someone arrived at the premises expecting a scantily clad woman to greet him and was welcomed by a hairy arsed grease monkey who wanted to check his dipstick. Keywords: brothel massage sex health humour humor

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What a bunch of Bankers

The banking giant HSBC is considering repossessing its own Canary Wharf headquarters, as it holds talks with the troubled Spanish property company which owns the building. Metrobacesa, which bought the building from HSBC for more than £1bn in a sale and leaseback agreement in 2007, is facing increasing financial difficulty and looks unable to pay back the bridging loan, from HSBC, of £810m which is due on 28 November.

It will be fascinating to see how HSBC go about evicting themselves

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French Films Are A Joke

Les Cahiers du Cinema, a prestigious French Cinema magazine, has drawn up a list of the best 100 movies made. Most are American, many are French, there are German, Italian, Spanish, Russian, Swedish, Indian and Japanese films on the list – but none are British. All 100 movies will be shown at a cinema in the fifth arrondissement of Paris until July 2009.

Typical of the pretentious French movie industry. They can vote for Japanese boredomfests or interminable two dimensional animatons made in Czechoslosoddingvakia but cannot find a place for such British Classics as Ooer Missis, You Made A Double Entenre, Don't Make It Look Realistic and Confessions Of A Very Bad Scriptwriter. And of course they would never consider Greenteeth Multi Media's classic pastiche of French movie making, Effoncez Votre Vedettes Comique Monsieur. effing Hulot.

Bloody chauvinits

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Batman Sues

The mayor of a city called Batman in south eastern Turkey is claiming a stake in the multi-million dollar movie franchise. Husseyn Kalkan, Batman’s mayor, is suing Warner Bros for film royalties for using the city’s name without permission. “There is only one Batman in the world,” Mr Kalkan reportedly said. The film’s psychological impact on Batman inhabitants is said to be blamed for a number of unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate.

You can understand the women wanting to top themselves if their hubbies insist on dressing as the Caped Crusader every night, especiaaly if he insists on his Boy Wonder getting into bed with them. Apart from that the village sounds like an ideal holiday destination for members of "Fathers For Justice.

The mayor should stop whingeing and see this as an opportunity..

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